Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[WornOutLife]

I feel like dancing!
Bob Segar's "Old Time Rock n Roll" song is just amazing!

 

[Sensei]

The anxiety is killing me and none of the usual distractions work. I'm alone, but I don't feel lonely, just incredibly restless. Should I call J? No, I can't invite myself. What about U? Is she dead? A very unpleasant day indeed.

 

[http-410]

mental pain

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I'm scared I'll never be able to CTB. I'm so so scared. I'm also so so angry at those who abused me and destroyed me. Having flashbacks and feeling traumatized. Very very traumatized very very angry. Very very sad and hopeless and very very frightened I won't have the change to ctb, at least not while my parents are alive and on top of me. That could be at least 20-30 more years. I desperately want my old life back, my health back, I desperately want to turn back time and change the course of action of events. To never have been drugged. I desperately want to. I desperately want my life back. My health back. I'm tired of living this nightmare. I'm tired of my body and mind being a prison. I'm tired of feeling this immense grief, anger, sadness due to all I lost. Thinking about the past brings immense grief, my mind keeps torturing me. I'm tired of dreading every single day I live ill. I'm so tired. And since I can't change the past nor get my health back, I want to end this. But I'm frightened I'll never be able to. I just can't keep this ill and with all this trauma. It's torture. Why why why why?!! Why did this had to happen to me!!! I feel as if my life is a big cosmic joke.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I went from being super anxious and about to do a really idiotic thing...to being super anxious and about to do a really idiotic thing but also really angry about something completely unrelated.
God help me. Do I message him on Facebook and wonder if he ever fucking checks it, or do I commit a social faux pas of texting someone whose number you're not supposed to have?
The little piece of the life I built for myself is about to fall apart, and I'm jumping on the stupidest of excuses to contact one person that always used to make it all better when it hurt like hell, getting ready to be completely crushed with a "new phone who dis". I want to do it so badly and I'm so terrified of doing it.
Where's my liquid luck when I need it?

 

[030366]

Im feeling anxious, scared about the future. I'm basically feeling the same way as I did a year ago (maybe not as bad but i'm getting there). It took me a few months to recover and lots of therapy, after that I had some good months but these past few weeks I'm feeling anxious everyday again, and I've lost interest in doing the things I enjoy, also turning a year older recently, hasn't helped either. It feels like I'm getting older and I havent accomplished anything important. I spend most of the day ruminating and I rarely focus on the present moment.

 

[Imaginos]

Same garbage predicament as any other night. Every moment is exactly the same as the last. Such is the lowly existence of an agoraphobic hermit like me. I just want something to distract me from myself and to allow me to while away all this empty fucking time on my hands. The mental agony of all this is excruciating. And that's just it. It'll never let up. I'll be enduring this, night after night, for the rest of my miserable existence. I can't even....it's too much. How can an existence like mine be so bereft of anything good. Why the fuck aren't I dead already. People die randomly all the time on this planet, but not me. Damn it.

 

[the_final_countdown]

Super fucking frustrated at my lack of ability to do anything. I want to try getting my eyes fixed with PRK/LASIK at some point this year, but with all the shit happening around us right now, it's probably not going to happen. I tried a few years ago, but gave up after it seemed like someone with my prescription wouldn't be eligible for the treatment. My parents accompanied me to the one appointment I had, but the lady there pretty much told me that I was fucked and there was nothing they could do for me. Then I talked to some guy on reddit who claimed he was an expert eye doctor and he also told me that I was fucked and that I shouldn't even bother with it. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't listened to them. People like me can still have it done and aren't anywhere near impossible cases. However, now I'm fucked because too much time has passed and now there's a hundred other random problems that stand in the way of it.

At this point, the only person I can rely on to help me is my mother, but she's nowhere near a point of possessing enough wherewithal to help me with this. And, honestly, I'm not even sure if I do either. I just fucking hate how helpless I am and how I rely on her support/involvement in things like this so hard, to the point where if she isn't part of it then it simply will never happen.

I wouldn't recommend LASIK.

So many horror stories of people living with dry eyes and other complications. Just Google them.

I suffer from dry eyes because of other reasons and it's frustrating every moment of every day.

 

[idkkkkkk]

Like I don't matter

 

[Hirokami]

I don't want to keep hearing about this low-IQ bullshit. I feel the few brain cells I have left die by every second. Shutthefuckupshutthefuckupohmygodshutthefuckup. I hate being around people like this jesus fuck why do I subject myself to shit like this?

 

[SuicideTrooper]

alone and worthless, hopeless and in need of someone to understand my agony

 

[http-410]

It feels like slipping into a crisis.

 

[Rn110bg101]

i wish i could see my friends again

 

[nofutureghost]

frustrated and constantly wanting to ctb as soon as possible, sleep doesn't seen to help as I just wake up the same way, hope to die while sleeping is tiring... I just can't handle all this shit anymore I want to rest, peacefully or not.

 

[Neo288]

tired, irritable, agitated, paranoid, depressed, lonely

 

[SuicidalDoomer]

Emptiness. Living in constantly auto-pilot mode.

 

[Imaginos]

I wouldn't recommend LASIK.

I'm actually not eligible for it anyway. Above a +3 and the only things available are ICL and LIKE. Unlike LASIK, these procedures specialize in adjusting the cornea with a specially made contact lens, or using donor tissue to thicken the cornea. It still remains to be seen whether or not I'm a candidate for either of those two other procedures, but I'd still like to find out. I'm not sure of the possible risks associated with them in particular, but as a +5 they represent the only way I'll ever have my eyes corrected.

 

[Imaginos]

What the hell do I do now? Even if I can busy myself with a momentary task or distraction, the moment it ends I'm back where I started. It wouldn't be so bad assuming I could only string together enough of those distractions to prevent having to stare directly into the soul crushing void that is my irredeemably unjoyful existence. I have nothing else to fill said existence with, but empty time wasting. My mom's no better off, so we're both lost to the same problem. We have nothing. We know no hope, no friends, no future, no chance of anything ever being any better. There is simply....nothing. It's like slowly falling into a black hole, or nauseously circling a giant sink drain to oblivion.

The days are just so painfully empty. And all the things that used to kill my thoughts have been for...so....fucking.....long....just as painfully empty. Usually only accentuating how fucking void ridden it is that I feel. In the end, it just leaves the countless minutes and hours, wherein loneliness and listlessness ravage me to the core. Not only that, but also just pure, unfiltered fatigue. I'm just so fucking tired of this shit. It's carved out every last piece of me like a fucking pumpkin and left only the rotten vestiges behind. The many weaknesses and yearnings inherent to the human condition both disgust me and weary me in overwhelming abundance.

And for a wildly random side note, I watched a documentary the other day about some South Korean anti-suicide squad, and man that pissed me off. If people want to kill themselves then just leave them the hell alone and let them do it. What the hell business is it of these self-righteous pricks to interfere? And yeah, yeah, I suppose there are some, or a lot of people, that want someone to come galloping in there to stop them, but what about those that don't? I guess they just don't matter? I mean, honestly, when speaking to the latter, all they've done, at best, is momentarily inconvenience them, since they'll simply turn around and kill themselves through some other means and, at worst, outrageously interrupted what was otherwise intended as a deeply private act to begin with.

What was even more disgusting were all the putridly platitudinous comments heaping these fuckers with praise (praise of all things!), while indulging in a bunch of empty "feel your pain" type language on top that amounts to just a load of sickeningly saccharine bullshit. Excuse me while I projectile vomit so hard it'll breach the atmosphere and count as its own moon landing. It is simply not enough just to "survive". Anyone who says that has never reached such a point of continuous mental anguish that every moment is nothing, but a test of pure, pain filled endurance. If someone's life fucking sucks, and I mean REALLY fucking sucks, then why on earth should they stay alive? Who exactly is gaining anything by the act of their doing so? Certainly not them, and certainly not anyone else. And that's just it. It boils down to nothing more than pure, pro-life ideology. Suicide punctures the pro-lifers rosy world view where life is always fundamentally worth living (and goodness we can't have that, now can we?), even if it's only to watch the next episode in some dumb fucking TV show, and those that wish to get on with it and at last release themselves their torments via death should instead see to scraping by with what little they can possibly get, such as by petting a non-existent cat or by playing another distractionless video game because, boy, that sure makes up for it all, doesn't it?

The general public are virtue signaling cowards who can't admit the obvious that there are many irreparably miserable people out there who are simply better off dead and no efforts should be made to interfere with their self-annihilation, since to do so would both be deeply insulting to the sufferer themselves and entirely self-defeating to everyone else.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I need to kill myself like now, or soon but I can't AHHHHHH I just can't keep seeing how my life keeps getting worse and worse and do nothing about it... there's no solution to my problems and they keep getting soooo much worse. I'm very scared.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I WANT TO DIE NOW!! I NEED RELIEF

 

[nerve]

I can't wait to die. I'm so upset that I can't yet. Hopefully not much longer of this...

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I hate my mom sooo much!!! She's part of the main reason I'm sick and my life destroyed and now that I'm suffering she likes to make life harder for me!!!

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I'm crying and shouting because I can't stand all of this suffering I just can't, it's too much for me, too much suffering, too much, yet I can't ctb because of my stupid overprotective family. I want to die so bad :(((
Too much pain too much

 

[Hirokami]

Sometimes, I think the only person who would actually care if I died would be my mother. No one else would give a shit.

 

[Imaginos]

The fact is, is that I'm not a very good person. The harsh truth is that I'm just a corrosive heap of toxic thoughts and feelings. It's really quite tragic that those who actually want to live will find themselves struggling with imminent death (cancer and the like), whereas someone like me will probably live a long and immensely miserable existence filled with intense bitterness, misanthropic hate, and sadness.

Spoiler

For instance whenever any kind of noteworthy disaster happens out in the world, all I feel is schadenfreude. Assuming I feel anything at all. I also bear a sometimes significant bitterness towards those who actually enjoy life. That's why I both hate and do not browse the wider internet in general, because it's quite common to see happy and successful people everywhere, which only spikes my feelings of bitterness and hate. Why should they be happy, while I'm left to rot in misery? It's not fair and it makes me angry, so that's why I avoid 99.9% of the internet like the plague. Like I said, I have many ugly and bitter feelings inside me and my existence is one of profound and near constant misery. Everyone dislikes haters, but I can't help, but feel hate when my life is such a tortuous grind of pain and nothingness. When you contrast that with someone who actually enjoys life, how exactly are you not supposed to feel bitter by the unignorable juxtaposition between them and you? Either we should all be happy, or no one should be. Ugly though it might be to say so, that's how I feel.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Pain. Hard to breathe properly. The air gets stuck in my throat. I have no hope. All I see is darkness.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Why the hell is my mom still up this late/early watching tv in the living room? I wanna be up this late/early watching tv in the living room! If I go out there she's gonna get mad and just tell me to go back to sleep not caring about the irony of the situation.

 

[Freedom Believer]

Guilt. Loads and loads of guilt. Today I did something terrible. I hate myself for what I did.

Once the event of what I've done sunk in, I did something that I haven't done in a while; prayed to God. I've done so many things wrong in my life, for once the one thing that broke me made me kneel and pray at my bed for forgiveness. Today was my last day as an addict. I will no longer have it control me anymore.

 

[reginas.specter]

like i wish i could just be a bug. or some creature with less awareness and a shorter life span, no emotions. life is hella painful. i think that my ability have all these thoughts and feelings is a curse. a fault in human evolution. i am in pain constantly, just because i can feel. a few days ago i was feeling amazing. like maybe life is worth living. like i have people who love me and there are beautiful things to experience. but now i just can't bear the thought of all the pain that's left for me, in spite of the nice things. in this moment all i feel is sadness. my life has been painful and unremarkable thus far, why would there be anything worth waiting for in the future?

 

[Imaginos]

I've been sleeping like a narcoleptic cat lately. There isn't much reason not to, when there's nothing compelling me to stay awake in the first place. I'll never understand those who are actually bothered by how much of their lives are lost to sleep. Such silly fools they are. Sleep is the only thing, the only thing, that makes life tolerable to begin with, even beyond matters of base survival.