Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Fehler]

A member I appreciate took the bus yesterday and I didn't realize it. We never spoke directly but I found him so nice, I was always happy with his answers. I didn't expect it to affect me so much.

 

[http-410]

Trapped and desperate.

Trapped in my head, in my body, at home.
I'm waiting for my COVID test result, so I'm a little nervous. I want to go for a walk, I want to get out.

It feels like I'm going to implode.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Very disappointed in myself for not being able to overcome my singular life problem despite having it my entire life.

 

[Ame]

Stop it!

Stop reading about the condition and looking out for potential fixes and treatments. Even if you find the answer in one of your obsession driven research binges, it won't benefit him. Your obsession didn't help him while he was living and it certainly won't now that he is dead. It is all too little and too late. Always too little, too late. The Nile is a river in Egypt and you are swimming in it - but remember, you've never been a good swimmer and it is only question of time before you drown in it.

 

[idontwanttobeme]

i'm sorry but i have to write this somewhere. don't even bother reading. it's okay. i just wanna say i feel so incredibly unwanted and misunderstood. i want to scream how bad i'm feeling. how badly i want to die. need to die. i can't deal with myself. i can't deal with my feelings or thoughts. i don't want to be me any longer. i need to die. i can't go on. yet i'm still here for others. so i don't possibly hurt them and so they don't have to deal with everything that comes with my death and funeral and unnecessary shit. and i hate it cause i want to die so bad. every second of every day i only feel like the biggest burden. i'm way too much and never good enough at the same time. but i can't be selfish. suicide isn't selfish, don't get me wrong. but i just feel that way about me if i ctb. i'm just still here breaking my own heart, going more insane and losing myself more than ever.. waiting till i go completely insane and impulsively ctb or till i feel less selfish, plan everything and hopefully die in peace. sorry for my bullshit. i'm so sorry for existing. sorry

 

[reginas.specter]

feeling guilty and worthless. every problem i have and many of the problems those close to me have would be gone were i dead. it's getting exhausting to keep pretending like i want to fix any of this. i don't have the energy or the drive to fix it.

i'm sorry but i have to write this somewhere. don't even bother reading. it's okay. i just wanna say i feel so incredibly unwanted and misunderstood. i want to scream how bad i'm feeling. how badly i want to die. need to die. i can't deal with myself. i can't deal with my feelings or thoughts. i don't want to be me any longer. i need to die. i can't go on. yet i'm still here for others. so i don't possibly hurt them and so they don't have to deal with everything that comes with my death and funeral and unnecessary shit. and i hate it cause i want to die so bad. every second of every day i only feel like the biggest burden. i'm way too much and never good enough at the same time. but i can't be selfish. suicide isn't selfish, don't get me wrong. but i just feel that way about me if i ctb. i'm just still here breaking my own heart, going more insane and losing myself more than ever.. waiting till i go completely insane and impulsively ctb or till i feel less selfish, plan everything and hopefully die in peace. sorry for my bullshit. i'm so sorry for existing. sorry

don't be sorry i'm glad you posted this and i'm glad you exist

 

[Imaginos]

I wish I could just enjoy solitary activities again. They're so fucking empty now. The mere thought of sitting down to play a video game downright nauseates me. Anhedonia was the deathblow to even the barest amount of satisfaction I could get in my life. Each night it's always the same thing. What I keep waiting for to return in this regard, is now gone forever. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to accept that. At least if I could still play video games, life would be tolerable. It wouldn't be great, but it'd be enough of a small consolation to help smooth over all the rest of the bullshit and pain. But nope. Couldn't even have that. Life tackled me over and stomped my balls in with a mocking laugh saying, "Fuck you. You get to keep nothing."

 

[Sensei]

I'm at work so I need to keep up appearances. I'm struggling with anxiety, but my work is an effective distraction.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

It's 11AM. My roommate is in bed with the girl I really like, probably in my bed because that's where she dozed off yesterday, and they are probably not just snoozing there. I slept on the kitchen floor to avoid bothering her, and now I'm already in a pub, already on my second beer. I feel so worthless. Absolutely worthless. I don't even want to kill myself, I want to curl up in a ball in some dark corner and lay like that until I perish. Somebody help me deal with this misery.

 

[ropingsubhuman]

god

 

[Callie Arcale]

I'm having painful palpitations. Please, Pain, can't you just give me a little respite? Just long enough so I can catch my breath.

Oh God.... I am the Pain, am I not?!?!?!!

 

[FreeAngel]

Alone

 

[greebo6]

Very sad and a little scared at what is coming.

 

[Tortured_empath]

I feel like a lot of shit is crumbling down at once and I am at my wit's end.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I can't even pick myself up anymore without the fear of falling.
I know it's coming, sure as gravity, tomorrow, this evening, one hour from now, it will pull me back in.

 

[Sensei]

Emotional chaos right now. I'm glad I don't have everything I need to kill myself at home, because then I would have been dead by now. Why did I have to develop bipolar disorder of all fucking disorders?

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Feels like I'm recovering well from today's workout. Body is getting into shape, bf% is being lowered and muscle is developing. Anxious about the near-mid-and-long-term future, since I don't like any scenarios available. Tfw no gf. Suicidal ideation like every other day. Have started to drink coffee a bit too late and moving the sleep schedule an hour or two, will get on fixing that right away. Guy and his gf are apparently at the gym every time I'm there, slightly disturbing.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Not sure if I'm still drunk, if that's the weird thing Modafinil does to your low mood, if that's the weird thing sleep deprivation does to your mood...or if I'm actually feeling a little better for the first time in a long while?

 

[W’ren]

Is it me? Of course it's me-
Take responsibility for your actions i was always told, no, screamed at- meaning really "take responsibility for everything".
Ok. Done.
It was always me- from the beginning of time- everything that ever went wrong in the household...
.....
subject shift

And tonight he said to me "it's like you're just trying to feel bad"

Um... yeah. That's what i do, BF, sit around trying to feel depressed and despondent, as though it doesn't come naturally to me...

*Ahem* It must be me... because HE can't be wrong.... right? F*ck the world. Tell me again WHY i must wait for my dog to pass away before i ctb? *sigh* No need... loyalty. Empathy. That which i have for my dog that none around me seem to hold for me.

Middle finger salute, jackass.

 

[Relic]

When the day comes where I can express my thoughts coherently, maybe I'll get my level of insanity re-evaluated.

 

[whywere]

When the day comes where I can express my thoughts coherently, maybe I'll get my level of insanity re-evaluated.

HI!! WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide. Having you as a new global family member is great! My wish is that we can give you love, caring and support. All of the global family has been so helpful, nice and UNDERSTANDING to me that I can not imagine living without my family here. I hope that we can do/be the same to/for you. Again, WELCOME to our global family!! Walter

 

[Relic]

HI!! WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide. Having you as a new global family member is great! My wish is that we can give you love, caring and support. All of the global family has been so helpful, nice and UNDERSTANDING to me that I can not imagine living without my family here. I hope that we can do/be the same to/for you. Again, WELCOME to our global family!! Walter

Thank you for the welcome.
As I live on tranquilizers, the departures and tragedies hit me with a delay. The whole last year was a nightmare. I guess people here could help me... by sticking around for a while, if only for that elusive alternate ending.

 

[whywere]

Thank you for the welcome.
As I live on tranquilizers, the departures and tragedies hit me with a delay. The whole last year was a nightmare. I guess people here could help me... by sticking around for a while, if only for that elusive alternate ending.

Thank you for the nice reply @Carcass. I live on opoids for pain control as I was in a nasty car crash in 2015, car crash not my fault, I am just like you as far as most of my years since 2015 have either been a nightmare or questionable at best. You ARE part of our global family and whatever one chooses down the road, we are here with lots of love and support. Please feel free to pm me if you evver want to talk. Walter ( I am 100% real as far as Walter is my REAL first name)

 

[Relic]

Speaking of car crashes, I was in one 30 years ago. Technically it was a truck vs. bicycle, and I lost in round 1. That defines a large part of who I am.
They don't give here anything except codeine for pain, so I am on a cocktail of Lyrica, codeine, and various benzos. Beggars can't be choosers. As Lyrica is Alzheimer's in a pill, any meaningful conversations could prove to be difficult.

 

[FreeAngel]

I feel tired ... from life

 

[angelfeather]

Something has seriously gone wrong. I literally have no life goals anymore.

 

[Imaginos]

Super fucking frustrated at my lack of ability to do anything. I want to try getting my eyes fixed with PRK/LASIK at some point this year, but with all the shit happening around us right now, it's probably not going to happen. I tried a few years ago, but gave up after it seemed like someone with my prescription wouldn't be eligible for the treatment. My parents accompanied me to the one appointment I had, but the lady there pretty much told me that I was fucked and there was nothing they could do for me. Then I talked to some guy on reddit who claimed he was an expert eye doctor and he also told me that I was fucked and that I shouldn't even bother with it. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't listened to them. People like me can still have it done and aren't anywhere near impossible cases. However, now I'm fucked because too much time has passed and now there's a hundred other random problems that stand in the way of it.

At this point, the only person I can rely on to help me is my mother, but she's nowhere near a point of possessing enough wherewithal to help me with this. And, honestly, I'm not even sure if I do either. I just fucking hate how helpless I am and how I rely on her support/involvement in things like this so hard, to the point where if she isn't part of it then it simply will never happen.

 

[FreeAngel]

I feel desperate

 

[http-410]

I don't feel anything, but I'm still incredibly tired. Dissociation has a firm grip on me. I don't remember when, either today or yesterday I dreamt that I had taken SN. The process of dying concerns me. Strange things are happening to my body. I think it's dissociation, but I'm not sure. I feel numb. I don't know whether that is good or bad. My sleep is fucked up.

I think about doing the exercises from therapy, but I end up doing nothing. I am too tired in every way. I'm fooling myself. Both by trying to do something and by doing nothing. It feels like everything in my head is too much. Or like I'm going way too fast down a mountain on a sled unable to stop. I just want to lie down in bed and shut my brain off.

 

[Fehler]

The bitterness and irritability that I bear make me rethink many things. To what extent would it be worth continuing without being happy. I have tried to leave everything explained in the letters but it is not to be of any use either. It is tiring to pretend to be happy in front of others.