Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[february in alaska]

quiet

 

[AInilam]

Tired, burning with anticipation for next month and happy to be back to this site.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Anger... Nothing ever goes right. I have zero will to live. If my parents weren't alive I would be long gone.
Zero energy. Of course I can't sleep. Even though I'm tired. Hatred for life. I hope there is nothing after this.
If god is real and this is a test, that is a sick fucking joke !!!!

 

[real person]

"need SN need SN need SN need SN"

 

[EndingEagle]

Pain,sadness and hopelessness ,some resignation and eerie calmness.

 

[patheticpal]

disgusting and ugly. I want to kill myself

 

[Kit1]

Really sad and lonely. Wondering how I am going to get through Christmas.

 

[Life_and_Death]

"youre trying to talk me into it "
umm, no. how are you suppose to talk me out of it if you dont know why i think its a good idea in the first place. its not my fault you cant come up with good counter arguments

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I've been staying with my grandparents for the last couple of days (I'm very close with my grandparents, especially since I am their only granddaughter). I thought that it would bring up my mood but instead I have found myself holding back the urge to get my belt and just hang myself. I've also been cutting a lot more than I thought I would. The night before last night something happened (it wasn't that big of a deal but I don't really want to talk about it) and it caused me cut a bit deeper than I usually do and a little bit of fat popped out again (It wasn't as bad as last time it happened, thankfully).

Sometimes I find myself wishing that more bad things had happened to me. That more bad things would happen to me. I constantly feel as though I don't deserve to feel the way I do because I don't consider my life to be that bad. At the end of the day, the only people who are truly hurting are those around me. To make matters worse, whether I like it or not, I am in some way responsible for that hurt.

It makes me want to do things to put myself in harms way. I remember last year, when I met up in real life with a man that I met online, He told me that if I was his daughter he would have freaked out if he found me meeting up with some random older man in his car. It made me feel good for some fucked up reason. I want to put myself in harms way, but I'm also too scared to do so. It makes me feel pathetic.

I hate myself so much that it's painful. I mean physically painful. I can feel a sense of pain and tightness in my chest whenever I think about it. I don't like my body, I don't like my face, I hate my personality. I look at my breasts and I want to chop them off with a knife, I think about myself and all the things I've done and I want to stab myself over and over again. I want to kill myself so badly but I can't because I don't want to ruin the holidays and my grandfather's birthday for my family. As a result, I'm stuck here, under the covers, at 6am, with all of these feelings churning inside of me.

I feel as though I have been ranting a lot on this thread lately and I apologize for that. I know I could probably just create a thread too talk about these things, but I'm too scared to create a thread. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry.

 

[R_N]

Woke up with severe upper stomach pain I can't explain and I am observing myself in pain like some exotic animal.

 

[Kit1]

Went out shopping, took one look at the car park, came home and in hiding. On my way home, stopped on the high street to pick up something for a child (nothing stops me when it comes to meeting a child's needs and wants) - walked past, smelt fish and dissociated (didn't realise that there was a fish shop as I wpuld have normally crossed the road to avoid the places). Cloudy and overcast day here - and still found it too bright to be out. Too many people, smell, too much light and I don't want to step out of the house again. Feeling quite vulnerable, lonely and sitting in a dark room aline without any noise till the feeling passes.

 

[Reuthry]

Hopeless, tired of the cycle of "depressed, consider suicide, get afraid of not dying, bang your head to the wall, repeat" I just want to die, why can't it just come and find me and kill me when I am sleeping? What did I do to feel agony and suffer every single minute of my life, I just want a way out.

 

[Life_and_Death]

my "therapy" pet, my best friend, my baby girl passed away 3 days after my bfs bday...

how the hell am i suppose to celebrate him when its not for several months and im already/still grieving her.....
i know he'll understand and wont say anything about it...but its suppose to be his day.....

 

[Celerity]

Just learned that a goal I had been working toward isn't going to work out. I am just so angry with myself, about what I have done with my life. I wish I had killed myself years ago before things got so bad.

 

[Life_and_Death]

even doing right is wrong...

 

[leloyon]

I'm browsing a suicide forum at 5AM on Christmas Day, how do you think I'm feeling?

 

[Life_and_Death]

why is my brain so empty!? its f'en useless

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE IT WILL RUIN MY FAMILY'S CHRISTMAS SO INSTEAD I'M STUCK HERE CUTTING MY WRIST LIKE THE STUPID LOSER I AM!!

 

[trashhologram]

Midly annoyed.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm fighting the urge to cry right now. I didn't fall asleep until around 6 and when i woke up I was so angry and felt miserable. I ended up ruining my family's christmas and made my grandmother cry. I've calmed down now and I've already apologized to her. She's in a better mood now. I feel so bad.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired... I dread every day. I can't believe I'm here for another Christmas.
I hate life !!! I shouldn't be alive. Just want my forever sleep. This better be a one and done life.
I can't do it again. Trying to stay awake. I already had a nap. Depression Rules Everything Around Me !!!
If my parents weren't alive I would be long gone from this shitty planet.

 

[Life_and_Death]

interesting...
shroom high. come down from a shroom high.
stopped smoking weed before taking shrooms. stayed off weed for slightly over 24hrs.
and then had another joint (with the filter taking most of it so theres less weed)

lets just say...
i somehow ended up in the sanctuary trying to get here

a sobering experience? XD
i told my bf that id go another 24hrs tomorrow (so just this one)
we'll see how tomorrow goes.
what if i prefer myself high........

 

[dumbgirlonline]

I feel so replaceable around people. Like who I am doesn't really matter. I wish someone would love me. But truly love me. This vodka tastes like shit

 

[HollowDrop]

I'm scared because I have feelings. I'm unlovable and filthy. Mentally ill and broken. I'll never be good enough, I'm just a big red flag.

 

[Life_and_Death]

why do i fail so badly at doing the right thing
my brain is so stupid and useless.

 

[therenexuefrbue]

so I did a bunch of autism screeners (again, but more this time) and they all came back with quite strongly positive results. I do not know what to do with this information. I didn't know what to do with it before either. my brother has an autism diagnosis and the rest of my family has a shit ton of autistic traits so it checks out, but I don't know whether to bother pursuing a diagnosis; would it actually help? on an unrelated note, I love christmas food and we have loads of leftovers and I bought a shit ton of brie, cranberry sauce, and smokey bacon to make into toasties. they are delicious and quite possibly my favourite food ever. anyway, sleeping soon is probably a good idea...

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly awfl life no want Stay all hpn pain sffr

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I really want to be euthanized.

 

[Life_and_Death]

between wanting a joint and being pissed off at existence i had a shroom chocolate an hour or so before work. i havent left yet but its starting to hit me

ill admit my mistakes and that im an idiot
but at the same time maybe life shouldnt be so fucking stressful

besides...the paper said 1 makes you feel good or something and thats all i took

 

[Life_and_Death]

my bf is proud of me for not having a joint at all yesterday.... wait till/if? he finds out why
not until im more improved... not until i can say "see? its fine"
then he can be pissed at me for going behind his back and lying about throwing it out....