Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[tiger b]

Low

 

[yesil]

it feels like something burns inside me

 

[Life_and_Death]

"id rather be with you"

no you wouldnt..youd rather be financially stable...
I'd rather be with you..
"im gonna get this place and its gonna be mostly paid off"
i do have this place and it is paid off, but i didnt even think about that..i didnt care.. id throw it all away to be with you..

you had a chance to be with me...you decided to not take it.
and it leaves me sitting here wondering what im still fighting for..

 

[leaf23]

It's so unbearably lonely coming home to an empty house. I want to come home to someone

 

[Life_and_Death]

gaslit again, big surprise
you know im with someone else. sorry i didnt let you touch me, but youre being a little obvious about it
"im not gonna fall asleep" *touches me, gets pushed away, gets up* "are you coming back?" "no i was falling asleep"
no you clearly f'en werent!! people dont move the way you did when theyre "falling asleep"

"you dont have to have s*x with me"
and im suppose to just believe that youre gonna be fine with me not? pfft, im just waiting to get kicked out..

for a fucking guy that i have to question how much he cares about me vs himself..
ive been loyal to you since us.... i dont want to be with him but im risking houselessness (seeing that im already homeless) and i really have to question if thats worth it....if having everything stripped from me for someone that wont budge is worth it....

i want to say love is enough....but youve proven its not...i wish i didnt feel the need to hold on. i wish i could let go... i wish i lived in a big city and got accidently caught up in a drive-by...

how are you today?

 

[nezu.061]

im tired of feeling . i dont know what to do anymore , i just feel . useless. i really dont know what to do anymore

i have friends but i always feel too out of it to talk. usually im okay, but .. i dont know what to do, i dont feel like putting effort into anything at all like i should give up.
im in no position to simply give up on everything ive worked for. i have a life ahead of me, sadly. giving up would mean stopping entirely. and i guess ive just turned away the thought of ever dying like its impossible

it seems really impossible right now .. but not unappealing. i feel like ive amounted to nothing. im no better than the average..... and even failing at something small pushes me over the edge. it always has. ive always been pushed over the edge over little things.i guess it really shows how i feel about myself or something. i guess ive always felt like im nothing special. yeah. thats how it is i guess

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

I feel exhausted. I'm tired of trying to maintain "friends" who just build me up just so I crash and give them entertainment. They do it because I make everything a joke even when I'm feeling my worst and once they figured that out they constantly find ways to drag me down.

I just want to be my antisocial self again. I know I'm not meant to have any long term relationship so I need to quit trying because it hurts each time.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i want to be sympathetic and supportive for you... but thats really difficult when youre sitting there going "i dont want to be here. i dont want to be there. id rather be with you"

well.... this is exactly my problem with your "financial stability"
youre depressed, uumm.. duh, i tried to tell you that. thats why i tried to talk you into living together.
and being financially stable, isnt granted for anyone really. even rich people. a stock market crash and everyones screwed, but you need your "financial stability" even though its not even close or has the possibility to actually be stable. than to have the person that would hug you and hold you through the hardships....

no... you picked your house... you made your choice.....

 

[graceland777]

Lonely. Betrayed. Abandoned. Listless. Guilt.

Mostly, pissed off. Every day that I wake up, I'm angry that I have another 24 excruciating hours to get through. It's all mentally exhausting.

I just want to disappear, silently, without hurting anyone's feelings.

 

[sleepy10]

Numb, lazy, useless. I used to be a huge gym rat and that just makes me sad. i went to a standard gym today and just felt out of place i even started creating fantasies in my head about finally taking my life. i fear that i cant do it alone i almost wish that i had someone to help me but in order for that to happen i have to know somebody who is ready to die like i am and then that also means that that person would be hurting or numb like me and the thought of another human feeling the way i feel makes me sick. why couldn't have i been born a penguin. born in a Hurd with instincts and instantly having community and a family. Penguins don't care about how much they weigh, whose the next hot celebrity or anything like that they are just penguins.

 

[monk-in-hell]

like I barely even exist

 

[Lullaby]

I've been having ridiculous amounts of pain over the last few weeks and decided to go to the ER tonight to check what's going on.

Apparently it's Gallstones and they want to keep me overnight so I can see the doctor in the morning.

I feel like crying because being in a hospital gives me so much anxiety. It's ridiculous since it's already so late and I live around the corner, what's a couple of hours? But I just want to be home in my own bed.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i have so much trauma it triggers each other

 

[MarsProxy]

How much I miss my partner. I wanted to hold him so much and tell him I could take care of him. To not worry about anything. Literally anything to help him. I hate being so alone in this apartment. All that's left are possessions and memories. And I'd give anything to have him back, for even a minute.

 

[eddy hendryx]

lost as hell, don't know what the future will lead to me

 

[fadedphotograph]

"If I jumped to where my head met the part of the track where the wheels go, I'd die for sure and not end up like that woman in that video where she climbed up from underneath the train, disappointed.

But what about those paintings I wanted to make for my family?

They would be heartbroken. But I only care because I'm alive. When I'm dead, I can't feel shame or regret. I won't hear how hurt they are, so does it matter?

Someone's waiting at the door. I should get back to work.

Maybe I'll reach out to him and see if he's selling anything other than psychedelic shit, though I doubt it."

 

[Seered Doom]

If people were just able to be able to engage with me instead of saying doomers piss them off, then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to censor every fucking thing from them, especially someone who I'm supposed to see as a friend and my partner knows I'm on this site and doesn't want me to kms, so I'm in a catch 22. I wish I can die gracefully. My parents won't let me die for anything because they need someone to blame for everything. My partners won't let me die. I just want death. I bet there's several here who wished my attempts succeeded just as much as I do. I'm just that hateable. I want to die. Please, let me die.

 

[D!psh!tMcgee]

all i feel right now i the over whelming want to explode grab my shotgun and go to town take out the people that live behind me take out the people that caused my trauma put as many pedos in the dirt as i can before the police catch me then CTB in an honorable way death in combat killing those who hurt me and those around me but i've had this urge since the day i met her so its easy to manage rn but the want to put rounds down range in the direction of pedos and those who i hate is immense but as the song Soldier On by megadeath says "No reason left for living, living all alone And dying unforgiven, with unforgiven bones Dead years and the dread years, they were all throughout your life The road was soon your mistress and the stage became your wife, oh Marching off to war, everyone can see They're paralyzed with fear They get down on their knees and pray Of all the battles won and lost The lives and treasures that it cost I know I've got to soldier on Watching mankind destroy itself Walk straight into the mouth of Hell I know I've got to soldier on"

 

[TapeMachine]

I feel agitated. I feel lonely.

I'm sick of having to pretend like I don't hate sex.

Sick of being a glorified maid, putting so much time and meticulous care into making his house pleasant, just for him to take every bit of it for granted.

Sick of having to stop what I'm doing every single night to make *him* his separate dinner and then clean the kitchen by myself, no help from him, ever. Sick of him feeling justified in not helping because he's the one with more money.

I'm sick of there being zero emotional connection with him, the only person I come into contact with on a regular basis.

This is my pathetic reality, and I will eventually kill myself because it is my only option of escaping this pitiful existence without having to subject myself to an even shittier existence.

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

Desperate agony and mind-melting depression is all I perceive at any given moment.

I can't even begin to heal here, no matter how much spiritual advice I cope with, or how many therapy terms I can learn, or shadow work I perform, or affirmations I repeat.

I don't even know how to be a fucking person.

For years, and years, I've done nothing except isolate myself and live vicariously through a computer screen, to the extreme that actually interacting with reality seems like a foreign concept; something that simultaneously tantalizes and repulses me.

I'm so fucking desperate for an outlet, for catharsis.

 

[TrigSpook]

I hate everyone and everything. No one trusts me, I have no friends. My parents hate me and my siblings all moved out. I have no support. My heart hurts and I can't stop crying. I want to take my last breath. I want to feel a tight sensation around my neck suffocating me. It's not fair how people keep me here when they never answer my texts. I do nothing in this world and this world does nothing for me. I hate everything. Let me leave. My arms and legs burn and I hate looking at them. Mistakes. I can't live like this.

 

[leaf23]

My bs meter is broken. I can't tell if he's sincere or not

 

[Life_and_Death]

i couldnt even bother saying no this time..

fear of being kicked out? (even though he says i wont..)
giving up because my no's arent heard? (but 'i dont r* you'... yeah... you just ignore my body language and words.. thats not literally the definition or anything)

theres so little fight left in me for this world.....

 

[Kit1]

Fat. Exhausted in every way possible. Stressed. In pain. Empty. I want to sleep and not wake up.

 

[sad_rock]

i am hopeless. theres nothing for me in these next years- i see nothing in myself, have no drive for anything. the only thing getting me by in this life is deep sleep itself as it is the closest thing that brings me to death. ive lost interest in everything. i really have nothing substantial to live for. i dont want to live this pitiful life.

 

[Life_and_Death]

wanting to attempt rn... hes sleeping anyway...
i need to find a way a 'comfortable' way to induce vomiting..ive been eating and hate myself..

 

[dimaxim]

Emptiness and hopelessness.
Anger.
I need a smoke.
Just so hopeless, theres really nothing going right ever in my life + i genuinely don't see it becoming better.
I wanna call my friend but i dont want to wake them up and bother with my suicidal thoughts/urges.

 

[Celerity]

I hate that I completely fucked my twenties and didn't even have a good time doing it. I will be 32 at the youngest by the time I am able to move again. Why did I do this to myself? I'm going into a career I may not even like and have shit prospects for finding a mate in time to even think about kids. If you want to debate me on the ethical merits of that choice, kindly fuck off. I am not in the mood.

I just wish I could go to sleep tonight and not wake up.

 

[Life_and_Death]

was debating on finding someone to...not help me recover but keep my head above water. (just check im doing basics like brushing my hair and teeth)
but whats the point.. i have bpd... i know part of the purpose/expectation of doing anything you struggle with doing is to fall down... and im sure i could probably get back up... but i just feel like while im down id be too much of a burden on the person i asked to help me.. maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i could at least say "oh its not that bad, im only gonna be out for a couple days then try again", but i dont know... it can be weeks or longer... it doesnt help that i suck at talking in general considering basically everything is a trigger..

 

[delora]

Flirting with death again. It just seems so tempting, and I think it's mostly the thought of getting some rest. Being left alone. Disappearing. These wishes are consistent with my current urge to move somewhere far and cut everyone off. Maybe I should talk to my partner about that.

But most of all, I wish trauma would go away. Wish people could truly heal from it, forget, wipe their memories and start anew. Yet I know it will always be here to haunt me, warping my perception of others and myself. Making me unable to fully enjoy life, even when things get better. And I am so tired of it.