venomousSSërpent74
Member
- Oct 19, 2023
- 94
empty, toxic, proud
I wish I could hurt him
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NeedAnEscape
awaiting the end
- Oct 16, 2023
- 250
I feel adrift. Everything has just been so routine lately. Yet, I still experience a sense of dread with each approaching morning. My life feels nonsensical and meaningless, and I don't know what's coming next. Life is incredibly dull.
Morgengrauen
Sunshine Ward
- Sep 10, 2023
- 99
Both empty and numb yet in agony and sorrow at the same time. Like a glowing metal ball slowly burning through ice.
Very mich affected by the fact i'm drunk but it's a general thing that i felt the past month. Just want it to end feeling so numb to everything yet i'm still feeling the same sorrows over and over burning through the core, so much grief for everything yet nothing.
Very mich affected by the fact i'm drunk but it's a general thing that i felt the past month. Just want it to end feeling so numb to everything yet i'm still feeling the same sorrows over and over burning through the core, so much grief for everything yet nothing.
itsraining
Sleep With A Baseball Bat
- May 18, 2023
- 64
I miss how things used to be, I was still in pain every day -- in some ways worse than others. At least I still had my friends to be around, I feel like I don't even get that now. Everyone's moving on without me and I'm pushing everyone away and all I can do is sit and watch as a spectator. Is this all life is? A constant balancing act that swaps out good from some places and transfers them to others? I hate it, I don't want to take part in this anymore. I'm so tired of fighting every day for no reason than to live for another painful memory. I wish I wasn't born into this life or into this body.
Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 645
I got a preview of my mail this morning and I saw I've gotten a letter from Social Security and their review office.
I've been on Disability for a few years and I know this is the start of them putting me through hell to stay on it. They do a review, claim I'm fine, I appeal, then I have to face a judge who scrutinizes the hell out of me like a criminal.
I don't even have the energy to break down about it, but I should probably just wait until I actually open the letter to see what it says. This happening when my mental health is the worst it's been in a long time just has me on edge.
I've struggled with my mental health for YEARS, I'm talking about having a record of being in treatment and hospitalizations since I was 11, which originally wasn't enough for them.
The only reason the last judge found me eligible is because I've spoken about and attempted suicide, which could affect me at work (like, yeah that would obviously not be okay??).
They made it seem like a temporary thing I could be 'cured' of in just a few years…which is why they're doing this review.
I've been on Disability for a few years and I know this is the start of them putting me through hell to stay on it. They do a review, claim I'm fine, I appeal, then I have to face a judge who scrutinizes the hell out of me like a criminal.
I don't even have the energy to break down about it, but I should probably just wait until I actually open the letter to see what it says. This happening when my mental health is the worst it's been in a long time just has me on edge.
I've struggled with my mental health for YEARS, I'm talking about having a record of being in treatment and hospitalizations since I was 11, which originally wasn't enough for them.
The only reason the last judge found me eligible is because I've spoken about and attempted suicide, which could affect me at work (like, yeah that would obviously not be okay??).
They made it seem like a temporary thing I could be 'cured' of in just a few years…which is why they're doing this review.
BRAINWORMS
dust to dust
- Jul 20, 2020
- 98
I managed for a while. I stayed busy, I accomplished some goals, whatever. But ultimately I made it through by burying my pain in other people. The last person I managed to quiet the pain with doesn't want me now. I don't know if he ever did. I don't want to look for anyone else. There is no one else. I'm tired of searching. I'm so, so tired, and now pain is all I can notice. Why fight through it for a future that might not even exist?
Nauseous when remembering that my parents, husband and pets are dead. Panicked about being alone. Terrified that I no longer feel safe or at home anywhere anymore.
CTB Dream
Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
- Sep 17, 2022
- 2,233
Smtm think want have lovy lesbi , but v v late now no brain no any
all have injury damage no more no slf no chemy no any
all have injury damage no more no slf no chemy no any
Quiet_Cricket
Member
- Sep 18, 2023
- 36
iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 133
Im so fucking sick of the torture
Everyday is fucking horrible everyday is a consequence
Everyday is fucking horrible everyday is a consequence
Asingletwig
Member
- Oct 1, 2020
- 92
Tired, don't want to exist anymore
vitbar
Escaped Lunatic
- Jun 4, 2023
- 310
Jumpy. Thinking a lot about a friend who seems to be giving me the cold shoulder. No idea even if I did something let alone what.
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 8,412
(This is from my rambling thoughts thread... I thought I would post it here as well, since it's exactly how I feel)
Well,
I haven't posted in here in a bit.... I usually post life stuff in the "how are you feeling thread".
After another lifesmack .... I have had enough. I'm not saying goodbye yet but if I get the courage I will CTB.
There are only so many defeats one can take. I've run out of options.
I'm tired of the attitude of picking yourself back up and trying again. Fuck that !!!!
"There is no try, there is only done"
I am so over being a wage slave so the rich can buy more yachts or rockets.
I don't know what else to say. I'm not encouraging anyone else to CTB but for me life certainly did not get better. It's been on a steady decline for years.
I 100% hate life. There is nothing good enough to make me want to stay. Not even my love of music.
I don't know what is after this. I hope peace and quiet. I want my forever sleep.
My life clock has run out. Absolutely zero energy left...
Well,
I haven't posted in here in a bit.... I usually post life stuff in the "how are you feeling thread".
After another lifesmack .... I have had enough. I'm not saying goodbye yet but if I get the courage I will CTB.
There are only so many defeats one can take. I've run out of options.
I'm tired of the attitude of picking yourself back up and trying again. Fuck that !!!!
"There is no try, there is only done"
I am so over being a wage slave so the rich can buy more yachts or rockets.
I don't know what else to say. I'm not encouraging anyone else to CTB but for me life certainly did not get better. It's been on a steady decline for years.
I 100% hate life. There is nothing good enough to make me want to stay. Not even my love of music.
I don't know what is after this. I hope peace and quiet. I want my forever sleep.
My life clock has run out. Absolutely zero energy left...
Altalune
alea iacta est
- Oct 21, 2023
- 48
I miss my boyfriend. I wish I hadn't been this far gone, then I wouldn't have pushed him away. He had some mistakes for sure, but it was mainly mine for being so deep into my issues and not wanting to find a way out. I wish I could apologize to him for everything and start on a fresh page, but it doesn't seem possible anymore. I love him so much that my heart breaks into pieces when I think about not seeing him, not hugging him anymore.
BananiFatFat
Member
- Oct 20, 2023
- 19
I'm feeling anxious and unsure about life.
Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 645
Lots of stress, crying yesterday and this morning. Don't think I'll be getting out of bed, but thankfully I have my best friend right by my pillow.
Amyend88
A&E
- Oct 22, 2023
- 167
Zegers
Enlightened
- Dec 15, 2021
- 1,763
Very tired, foggy, barely energy, no point. I can't even remember the last time i had a good time.
Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 645
Really hurting :\ I always made the same stupid mistakes, and whine about it. Wish I could just learn for once.
A close friend of mine and someone I considered important, clearly didn't think the same of me and I wish I had realized that a lot sooner; there were so many red flags.
He didn't wish me a happy birthday this summer and I mentioned I was kind of upset about it. He then went on to blame that on me, because I didn't respond to a text in time (??). Then gave a half assed apology…
I was going back and forth for days on if I should even bother reaching out for his because of what happened. I figured if I didn't, it would come back to bite me. That I should just be the bigger person.
It turns out it didn't matter either way…I did send a nice message for it recently, but got ignored/left on. It stings a lot.
I feel like such a moron. To be such a non factor in someone's life…I guess I really overestimated my worth in his.
Really setting in that I've been used to make someone else feel better during their rough times, and when things are good, I've kinda outlived my 'usefulness'. He put so much nonsense and false promises in my head over the last year; I'm sure I brought it up, he'd pretend like the never said those things…I'm such an idiot.
If I could go back into time and stop myself from ever meeting this person, I would in a heartbeat. I really regret ever letting my walls down and being vulnerable to begin with.
Overall, really struggling bad this week. I don't think I can go outside without trying not to break down crying. Canceled any appointments I had, because I really just want to stay in bed and forget the world exists…
A close friend of mine and someone I considered important, clearly didn't think the same of me and I wish I had realized that a lot sooner; there were so many red flags.
He didn't wish me a happy birthday this summer and I mentioned I was kind of upset about it. He then went on to blame that on me, because I didn't respond to a text in time (??). Then gave a half assed apology…
I was going back and forth for days on if I should even bother reaching out for his because of what happened. I figured if I didn't, it would come back to bite me. That I should just be the bigger person.
It turns out it didn't matter either way…I did send a nice message for it recently, but got ignored/left on. It stings a lot.
I feel like such a moron. To be such a non factor in someone's life…I guess I really overestimated my worth in his.
Really setting in that I've been used to make someone else feel better during their rough times, and when things are good, I've kinda outlived my 'usefulness'. He put so much nonsense and false promises in my head over the last year; I'm sure I brought it up, he'd pretend like the never said those things…I'm such an idiot.
If I could go back into time and stop myself from ever meeting this person, I would in a heartbeat. I really regret ever letting my walls down and being vulnerable to begin with.
Overall, really struggling bad this week. I don't think I can go outside without trying not to break down crying. Canceled any appointments I had, because I really just want to stay in bed and forget the world exists…
icari
Member
- Oct 24, 2023
- 27
Exhausted and confused over a situation with a woman. She is part of a friend group I've been hanging around with for the past couple of years. Over this time there's been occasions where she's shown a bit of interest but it was always badly timed, short notice requests to do something and after a few that I genuinely couldn't make it to she didn't really show an interest in my alternative suggestions.
Anyway as I have gone on to get to know her better in group hangouts I have noticed something in her that I also see in myself, a similar kind of loneliness and anxious discomfort perhaps, and began to feel very connected to her. I've only felt this specific feeling towards one other person before, the previous love of my life. Eventually she showed a little more interest again and we met up alone a few times and had some really great chats, but whenever I returned her suggestions with more ideas for days out, she was "busy". This happened on a few separate periods where I'd give up for a while after she seemed to be cold shouldering me.
Our group hangouts have got more and more frequent recently and she began to show interest in hanging out just us two again. We've been out for drinks a few times and had again some really good chats and I'm at the point now where I've developed a very strong feeling connection to this woman and have absolutely no idea to what degree it is reciprocal.
I should mention here that I have crushing social anxieties which make this pretty difficult for me, maybe normally the answer would be "tell her". I've also got a bad anxiety about making things awkward within this friend group if she does not feel the same, as this group has been a very positive aspect of my life recently (as you can probably assume due to me being on this site, I'm not doing too great).
She asks me to do things with her, she tells me she can have conversations with me she couldn't with most other people, she complements me on things... all signs, I would say, that she is interested. When I try to initiate further contact myself though... it never happens. What gives?
Either she is in the exact same position as me, anxious and confused about how I feel, or my perception of how other people see me is very wrong, which is pretty scary and affirming of my anxieties (that others harbour secret negative feelings towards me and my relationships are lies).
A lack of love and connection in my life is a big trigger for my current depressive episode, which puts a massive amount of psychological pressure built up around this thing as it seems like a kind of way back to happiness that is just out of reach. I have no idea what to do, and I'm kind of scared that if I lose the hope of this going anywhere, that I will genuinely have nothing left to hold on for.
Anyway as I have gone on to get to know her better in group hangouts I have noticed something in her that I also see in myself, a similar kind of loneliness and anxious discomfort perhaps, and began to feel very connected to her. I've only felt this specific feeling towards one other person before, the previous love of my life. Eventually she showed a little more interest again and we met up alone a few times and had some really great chats, but whenever I returned her suggestions with more ideas for days out, she was "busy". This happened on a few separate periods where I'd give up for a while after she seemed to be cold shouldering me.
Our group hangouts have got more and more frequent recently and she began to show interest in hanging out just us two again. We've been out for drinks a few times and had again some really good chats and I'm at the point now where I've developed a very strong feeling connection to this woman and have absolutely no idea to what degree it is reciprocal.
I should mention here that I have crushing social anxieties which make this pretty difficult for me, maybe normally the answer would be "tell her". I've also got a bad anxiety about making things awkward within this friend group if she does not feel the same, as this group has been a very positive aspect of my life recently (as you can probably assume due to me being on this site, I'm not doing too great).
She asks me to do things with her, she tells me she can have conversations with me she couldn't with most other people, she complements me on things... all signs, I would say, that she is interested. When I try to initiate further contact myself though... it never happens. What gives?
Either she is in the exact same position as me, anxious and confused about how I feel, or my perception of how other people see me is very wrong, which is pretty scary and affirming of my anxieties (that others harbour secret negative feelings towards me and my relationships are lies).
A lack of love and connection in my life is a big trigger for my current depressive episode, which puts a massive amount of psychological pressure built up around this thing as it seems like a kind of way back to happiness that is just out of reach. I have no idea what to do, and I'm kind of scared that if I lose the hope of this going anywhere, that I will genuinely have nothing left to hold on for.
Space Outlaw Bunny
autistic magical girl gender neutral
- Apr 29, 2023
- 244
I feel like shit, a lot happened last 2 months and I don't know what to do. Maybe I will post about it bc I'm attention whore
I'm just really, really tired lately. I do not have any motivation, energy or enthusiasm to do anything. All I do is lie in bed, mindlessly browsing the internet for hours, watching some series or youtube videos and that's it. Day after day after day. Feels like I'm stuck in a loop of sorts. I hope it ends soon.
Space Outlaw Bunny
autistic magical girl gender neutral
- Apr 29, 2023
- 244
I just broke my writer's block, in the ward I wrote some poems for me and only after almost 3 weeks I managed to write a few lines 
Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ Sometimes I'm stressed
- Jul 1, 2020
- 6,746
i finally fucking moved out of that abusive household...im not even out 2 days and i seem to have to move back...of fucking course. i knew i should have just killed myself....
now i sit here with my stuff packed...again....wondering if i should wake up my bf and let him know or just walk out the door
im done eating... it clearly doesnt matter if i try or not....
now i sit here with my stuff packed...again....wondering if i should wake up my bf and let him know or just walk out the door
im done eating... it clearly doesnt matter if i try or not....
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dogsandcats
Member
- Oct 11, 2023
- 15
Alcoholic Teletubby
Rip in piss
- Jan 10, 2022
- 372
My pot edibles are gone. There goes my day's reprieve (and my money), and I feel like blowing my fucking brains out.
I can't sleep. Worried about stuff that I can't think myself out of. There are no guarantees in life. You have little control and it's useless to try and prepare for it all. If someone else has more power than you they can force you into anything. So what is the answer supposed to be? 'That's life'. How are you supposed to be okay with that? I'm done with being in pain. But that's not really something I have control over.
Wanting to find a solution. But I'm just stuck. For years now. But grateful for this forum. I tried looking at some autism forum and was disappointed with the amount of toxic positivity. The answer always seems to be: 'keep trying, you can do it'. Reading that stuff makes me worse.
Wanting to find a solution. But I'm just stuck. For years now. But grateful for this forum. I tried looking at some autism forum and was disappointed with the amount of toxic positivity. The answer always seems to be: 'keep trying, you can do it'. Reading that stuff makes me worse.
Clive
Student
- Oct 23, 2023
- 128
Trapped / imprisoned
In my current environment I don't have a support system to get me out and be understood.
My family is thousands miles away and I'm counting the days until the plane ride.
I got myself in a deadlock, where it seems like any of my decisions would hurt someone and so I'm delaying any decision making, which of course doesn't make it better.
I live like a zombie, just waiting it out and it's a big struggle. I'm not depressed enough to think of CTB any more, that deep feeling of despair has been replaced by the feeling of being imprisoned. I don't feel hatred for people around me, but in my situation seems like I can only give others a reason to hate me. I hope for their forgiveness, most of all I wish they would just forget they I exist.
In my current environment I don't have a support system to get me out and be understood.
My family is thousands miles away and I'm counting the days until the plane ride.
I got myself in a deadlock, where it seems like any of my decisions would hurt someone and so I'm delaying any decision making, which of course doesn't make it better.
I live like a zombie, just waiting it out and it's a big struggle. I'm not depressed enough to think of CTB any more, that deep feeling of despair has been replaced by the feeling of being imprisoned. I don't feel hatred for people around me, but in my situation seems like I can only give others a reason to hate me. I hope for their forgiveness, most of all I wish they would just forget they I exist.
