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Celerity

Celerity

shape without form, shade without colour
Jan 24, 2021
2,738
I am very insecure about where I am in life living at home aged 30 working a shitty retail job and with no sexual experience under my belt. If this is how I thought I'd turn out when I was 18, I would have stepped out in front of a bus. I moved out after high school and boomeranged back home after my PhD didn't work out. Here, I have rotted for the last six years. Even as I try to improve my situation, I can never shake the feeling that I should have CTB before I let the years pile on and bury me like this.

Feeling very much like I am working under the gun lately, I am working steadily toward getting a nursing degree I'm not sure I even want but will have to do. As for the relationship/sexual issues, I am doing my best to make progress on this front as well. A guy from my high school asked me out a few weeks ago, and I decided to give him a chance. Not sure if that is going to work, but it's something. I have explored my sexuality for the first time and have gotten acquainted with toys, something I really should have done years ago like everything else.

It would be so much easier to just blow my brains out and get it over with. Only the fear holds me back. I can argue with myself until I'm blue in the face that I won't give AF about anything once I'm dead, but the animal fear of it keeps me in place. My worst fear is that I will just continue to deteriorate and live a long life not worth living. I guess only time will tell which fear wins.
 
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
7,471
I feel the most regularly shamed when I fail at my job or am judged to be too slow or, not good at something- because that I guess is what I care about the most.

A shame I can't even bear to face sometimes is how badly I treated people who were so good to me. Not that I was actively nasty to them but, I just got so caught up in work that I didn't bother to stay in contact with them when they were old and ill and now, they're dead- so- it's too late.

I have plenty of things I have felt shame over in the past that worry me less now. My appearance, my weight, my complete lack of relationship, not earning much, not having a stable job, being pretty stupid sometimes!

I tend to feel more ashamed when I am around other people, so I tend to avoid that where I can!
 
W

wCvML2

Member
Nov 15, 2021
181
A list of everything I was ever (and still am) ashamed of would be tremendously long. I lack in every possible desired characteristic without any redeeming qualities to compensate for it. Some of the shameful things I've done in the past will randomly pop up in my head while I'm in public and it will trigger my fight-flight-freeze-or-fawn response because my subconscious will turn increasingly more anxious about potentially being humiliated, mocked or ostracized. Self-improvement/help never motivated me to overcome this struggle but having to get a job to support myself kinda did. I work in a shitty retail job too as mentioned in the first comment in the thread, and what I like about it is the feeling of real-life pseudo-anonymity because of the high employee turnover (some employees come here for only a year, 2 months or even as short as a week). I wish for a reality of full anonymity, maybe it will be achievable living through virtual reality.

edit: and "my own stupidity" is so relatable, same
 
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Wormfood

Wormfood

I like people... I said it
May 23, 2022
127
Bad decisions. Being 30 yet feeling like a manchild. Feeling like my penis is n't long enough. Feeling parasitic. Feeling like a burden. Housing situation so bad I have to cramp in a bucket. My entitement. My narcissism. I feel ashamed that I am attracted to men and feel as if I'd want to be penetrated. I feel ashamed to be atheist ( weird). I feel ashamed that my hygiene deteriorate. I feel ashamed that I can't seem to hold a job for a month. I'm ashamed that I have a violent brain that sees violence as the first response to stress. I'm ashamed that I have a conscience. I'm ashamed that I'm clingy. I'm ashamed that I am the one that is always reaching out. I am ashamed that I'm so friendly. I'm ashamed that I'm so soft. I'm ashamed that I'm a simp.
I'm ashamed of my soft hands.

Right now am in bed depressed. I'm not dealing with it so well.
 
N

Nigh

Experienced
Oct 12, 2020
226
I have ocd staring, so I'm very insecure about that. I know I make people uncomfortable, including those I live with.

I've had different experiences with different types of pills when it comes to trying to combat it. Terrified of opening up about it (outside of here), as I don't think anyone will understand. However, I did speak briefly about it to a counselor, but she just seemed to gloss over it

Honestly it spurs on my need to escape from here.
 
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L

LonelyTurkey

Each day is more exhasuting than the last
Jul 6, 2023
39
I bite my fingers so they look terrible, I've been trying to stop for years but can't seem to. I also am horribly judgemental of women and often feel a sense of doom when I find out a woman I had feelings for slept or someone in general with many people. I think I am just horribly jealous of other people getting that attention so easily but I don't know. I'm just so ashamed that I have thoughts and want them to go away. I deal with it through distancing myself from women and never talking about sexual experiences. I have not overcame it at all and it's the main reason I feel so hopeless.
 
T

TwoWaysOnly

Member
Dec 18, 2023
20
I have ocd staring, so I'm very insecure about that. I know I make people uncomfortable, including those I live with.

I've had different experiences with different types of pills when it comes to trying to combat it. Terrified of opening up about it (outside of here), as I don't think anyone will understand. However, I did speak briefly about it to a counselor, but she just seemed to gloss over it

Honestly it spurs on my need to escape from here.
Do you mind explaining what ocd staring is ?
 
N

Nigh

Experienced
Oct 12, 2020
226
Do you mind explaining what ocd staring is ?
Yeah, sure. It's the compulsive need to stare inappropriately, even if you don't want to. Usually at private areas of the body. This can include breasts, groains and even legs.

I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder. And I'm always anxious around people, even familial people. I can get so worked up and nervous, that I try to avoid eye contact at times and end up laying eyes on them inappropriately, just because I'm trying to avoid their eyes. Also when you constantly tell yourself not to look somewhere you more than likely end up doing it.
 
Ashu

Ashu

novelist, sanskritist, Canadian living in India
Nov 13, 2021
611
I have ocd staring, so I'm very insecure about that. I know I make people uncomfortable, including those I live with.

I've had different experiences with different types of pills when it comes to trying to combat it. Terrified of opening up about it (outside of here), as I don't think anyone will understand. However, I did speak briefly about it to a counselor, but she just seemed to gloss over it

Honestly it spurs on my need to escape from here.
"OCD staring"... I used to do that, I'm remembering for the first time in decades. My condition has changed dramatically over time, for the good - and without psychiatric drugs, incidentally, though everyone is different, I was lucky. These conditions are not stable things, though the psychiatric naming and defining of them gives that impression.
 
torturedmind

torturedmind

What the hell am I doing here?
Nov 5, 2023
9
I'm ashamed of the amount of time I spend in bed, staring at my phone and avoiding my responsibilities. My lack of friends, inability to make friends, failure to be successful and independent, and my dependence on my parents. I certainly should do more to try and make my life better, but my bad habits stick. I'm currently rotting in bed as I type this and it's 12:30 pm.
 
T

TwoWaysOnly

Member
Dec 18, 2023
20
That I did not see the signs of my friend.
Did he pass away, you mean ?
I'm ashamed of the amount of time I spend in bed, staring at my phone and avoiding my responsibilities. My lack of friends, inability to make friends, failure to be successful and independent, and my dependence on my parents. I certainly should do more to try and make my life better, but my bad habits stick. I'm currently rotting in bed as I type this and it's 12:30 pm.
What would you consider success ?
 
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Cepi

Cepi

It’s not a bad existence, just a bad life
May 12, 2023
70
I'm ashamed that I recovered from my mental struggles to the point of having a future and still want to kill myself for the way I look. Which is sorta what started my mental problems. Guess that's just OCD for you, life fucking blows.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
18,642
There are only two aspects of myself that I am not ashamed of: my name, which is actually think is pretty cool and I don't see much reason to change it, and my height which is six feet or 183 cm I think.

None of those are enough to overcome all the other things that bring me shame such as my ugly face, my anxious disposition, my crackly voice, my tiny organ, my past mistakes which I keep making and haven't learned from, my own biases and beliefs, my lack of romantic or sexual experience, and so much more that I can't even name. I even feel ashamed of my self loathing, which of course only compounds it.
 
LoiteringClouds

LoiteringClouds

Tempus fugit
Feb 7, 2023
3,440
And how does it negatively affect you ?
I'm ashamed of my incompetence.
And no willpower to fix it.
I do everything with reluctance -
So for every job I am unfit.

How do you deal with it ?
I'm just avoiding to confront it -
That cannot be solved in the first place.
I need a peaceful sewer slide kit -
I want to end my life of disgrace.

Does it increase SI ?
Yes I think I'm destined to fail -
I'm too inept to change anything.
I can't break this very secure jail,
Whose warden is our heavenly king!

Have you made progress to overcome it ?
I can't grow up, and the more I try,
The more it has become evident,
That my life will always go awry -
My life is merely an accident!



Shame is the primary reason why I want to die.
Sorry for my weird post, but I wanted to demonstrate my deep sense of shame - I've been badly humiliated at work to the point where I no longer feel ashamed of being called weird.
That enabled me to wax lyrical on my disgrace. I think I'm hardly good at anything but if there was a competition where the most disgraceful person would win, I'd strive to be a world champion...

In Osamu Dazai's "No Longer Human", the protagonist's first words are "I have lived a life full of shame." (I used Google Translate)
It perfectly describes me.
 
T

TwoWaysOnly

Member
Dec 18, 2023
20
I'm ashamed that I recovered from my mental struggles to the point of having a future and still want to kill myself for the way I look. Which is sorta what started my mental problems. Guess that's just OCD for you, life fucking blows.

Does OCD mean you have intrusive thoughts about bad things, in your case ?
 
Cepi

Cepi

It’s not a bad existence, just a bad life
May 12, 2023
70
Does OCD mean you have intrusive thoughts about bad things, in your case ?
Yes I can't help but hyper focus on flaws about myself which makes it hard to function in the world when you feel like everyone else doesn't have them. But simply put I'm just hyper aware of myself than others features.
 
johann_liebert

johann_liebert

verzweifelt
Nov 11, 2023
82
Kinda like my entire existence. It feels like a bad joke to me. As if someone created a Sims character with the worst possible stats just to laugh on how he pathetically fails at every single embarrassing situation he gets himself into. A born loser.
 
pilotviolin

pilotviolin

Member
Jan 27, 2024
85
many things, but more shame itself. i am ashamed of being ashamed and i feel like (me not other people) being ashamed is a way to avoid responsibility yet i blame myself yet nothing is done but something is done but not enough and i come back to shame and discard the good i forgot to see while ashamed, therefore i am ashamed. shame is like a ticket to a train that looks justified, tells you to do the "right" thing but it just a loop hidden behind the forest, ready to blind and entrap. i still do not know if my shame is warranted or not, apparently it is a tool to see where you stand in society and groups. but honestly shame is mostly cruel and punitive, or maybe mine is correct? i have no way to tell tbh thats the problem. but i see how others' shame treats them and i wish it could be alleviated for most of them.
 
nodaysleft

nodaysleft

Hanging on by a thread
Jan 27, 2024
14
When my mom was on palliative care in hospital - she was expected to die any day. That particular evening it started to look like things were taking a turn for the worse and we were allowed to spend the night in hospital (my brother, sister, my dad and me). We took turns that night to sit next to her, ready to call everyone if we suspected that she'd pass soon. She got through the night and things looked 'ok' in the morning and everyone took turns to shower, I was the last one up and the last one to shower. When I was halfway done, when suddenly my dad banged on the door screaming that I needed to come immediately. But you can't just turn up naked and wet so I tried my best to dry up and jumped into my clothes as fast as I could. Once I got in room, it turned out that my mom had already passed. Everyone was there except for me. It feels like I failed her one last time, at the most important time. I'm so so incredibly angry, disgusted and ashamed of myself.
It's been 2 years and I still have trouble taking a shower, most of the time I just can't get myself to do it. The memory replays in my head and it just hurts too much.I've already been a failure of a son to my parents due to my mental illness and this was just the icing on the cake for me.