What are you ashamed of ?

[UsagiDrop]

Right now I'm pretty ashamed of my bipolar disorder, or whatever causes me to act the way that I do. I'm ashamed of my inability to control my emotions. I'm ashamed that it's getting harder and harder for me to hide them from others. I'm ashamed that I really want to be a good person but I think the way that I am makes me bad. I'm ashamed that I'm just miserable, empty and rotten no matter what is going on around me, and that I have just always been that way. I feel like a broken person that's just wasting this "gift" that others are always telling me to be grateful for. Although I know I probably should be, that just feels impossible.

It increases my ideation a lot. Currently I'm at work and even at a place like this, I broke down and verbally wished to die just a moment ago. Now I'm trying desperately to grab my words back from the air, because I don't really want to die in a horrific and sudden way today lol. But I wish I had the courage to just end it all myself. I don't know how to work on it or overcome it, I just know how to manage myself well enough so that I don't hurt myself or others, and that's pretty much all I can do right now with no access to help. I hope one day I can overcome it, but since this is how I always have been, I think it's also how I always will be.

 

[lurk3r]

dropping out of post secondary and radically having to rethink what my future will look like. I am ashamed to admit that I am almost incapable of working hard for anything,

Kinda like my entire existence. It feels like a bad joke to me. As if someone created a Sims character with the worst possible stats just to laugh on how he pathetically fails at every single embarrassing situation he gets himself into. A born loser.

This REALLY resonated with me. I did a lot of silly things during psychosis. If I were someone else Id look upon myself with morbid fascination

 

[Ephemeron]

My ex and I split up. I tried to move on and found another woman whom I slept with. Despite that, I couldn't get over my ex, so I went back to her and was somewhat receptive. However, she asked if I had slept with this other woman. I was honest about it. Even though we had split up, I still feel ashamed about it to this day, that I destroyed what pure love we had together.

 

[sammiechzxv]

Never having the motivation to do anything

 

[tabletop]

And how does it negatively affect you ? How do you deal with it ? Does it increase SI ? Have you made progress to overcome it ?

Yes I did make progress to overcome it. To the point that I haven't any shame left at all! Or in other words I've given away all the fucks I have to give and there just aren't any fucks left for me to give a fuck what others think.

How did I deal with it?
By developing what I call my broken robot perspective. omg I've been looking for an excuse to share this with others and I think it fits here lol. I look at all humans as broken robots. Including and especially myself! For two reasons. One, I do not want to put myself above others therefore I too am a broken robot. Also because looking at my own self as a broken robot gives myself the understanding and therefore the freedom to forgive my own mistakes. But what's the most helpful is looking at all humans as broken robots. Why would I care what any broken robot thinks of me? Or how a broken robot looks at me? It gives me incredible confidence and has entirely cured me of social anxiety! Gosh I was so nervous and face turned red and even used to have panic attacks.

That said this isn't a simple, easy, quick process. We've been trained to care what others think of us. It took time to train myself to not give a fuck what anyone else thinks. Through repetition. I had to catch myself giving a fuck what someone else thought. I had to remind myself that they're just a broken robot and it doesn't matter what they say/think or how they look at me. Over and over again I had to catch myself and remind myself over a period of years.

Okay so here's some of the more realistic thoughts that makes my broken robot perspective possible. First of all most humans are pretty low on intelligence. They run on emotions and not logic. They insist religion is right and loving when in fact it's abuse at it's very basic core. They stay in toxic mentally abusive relationships for years on end. They choose a career and exclusive life partner before their brains are fully developed. That makes absolutely no sense. They vote for the same politicians over and over while also complaining about them accomplishing nothing and being corrupt and stealing from us. They operate on the illogical failed logic they were taught by repetition and no amount of facts will ever change that. Cause human brains don't care about facts. Only repetition.

 

[kane9191kosugi]

My life

 

[sserafim]

And how does it negatively affect you ? How do you deal with it ? Does it increase SI ? Have you made progress to overcome it ?

Nothing really, although I dislike my Asperger's, I'm not ashamed of it. I think if it more as a nuisance and annoyance.

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

Personally can't say i feel ashamed of anything, i never asked to be a puppet for 2 people on this planet.

I'm a virgin with basically zero retirement fund, no friends and haven't even left the UK.

I don't give a shit honestly, sounds exhausting being constantly ashamed to me.

Just like those jealous people as well, i don't understand it at all.

 

[Kit1]

Shame is one of my primary enemies as well as a loyal companion that walks with me and haunts, that leaves me suicidal after flashbacks and nightmares and that often leads to dissociating and time loss. What am I ashamed of;

1. Being born when I was not wanted
2. Being abandoned at birth and not getting it right with the caretakers that I was left with that they thought I was hard work as a baby and shared me around
3. Being abused and raped mercilessly by so many men from a toddler (started at least when I was two years old). This is probably what haunts and damaged that little the most. Knowing that I was poisoned, contaminated by others even before I could speak or run
4. Not being able to talk till I was 5 or 6. The children in the area called her names, mocked her, threw stones etc - thoigh she has no memory, but people still remind her.
5. Meeting my birth mum and moving in with her at the age of 6 and being a disappointment to her and dad. The next 5.5 years was full of beatings, screaming and other stuff including rape by different men. She never did understand me and I will never be worthy of her love.
6. Somehow managing to get abused wherever I went. It followed me and that is so shameful - reinforcing that I was on planet earth to be abused.
7. Losing my dog - I was warned that if I went on a trip, my dog will die. I was 11 and had no choice. He did what he threatened and when that little girl returned, she was imprisoned for a week and he made her life hell.
8. Running away as a 14 year old and night after night, hiding out in an outside area where people wouldn't find her. That terror has never left her and the shame that she could still be raped again - but thankfully nothing happened.
9. Eating out of a bin as a hungry, homeless, underage teenager and still feel the shame I felt then.
10. Being assaulted after being a so called adult.
11. Being in a responsible job now where I am able to reach out to vulnerable people and at times, the intense shame and self hatred that I feel when I feel that I have not been able to fully help someone.
12. Being denied medical care by my GP/surgery due to accessibility issues and changes they brought in and realising that I was so dependent on a particular doctor to keep me aline and feeling ashamed that I had yet again been abandoned and I had left myself open to be vulnerable.
13. History of no 12 repeats itself with the clinical psychologist who I worked with through the NHS Commhnity Mental Health team - and finally understanding that I am not really worthy of being saved or helped.
14. Sitting here, writting this feeling suicidal and knowing that for me to live will be a life of shame and for me to die to escape from this hell will make the lives of my loved ones hell and still feeling utterly ashamed and selfish that I even have the need to fight to stay alive (just plain selfish of me).

Shame is destructive and I spend ao much of my time trying to talk others who are vulnerable about how to handle the shame they feel and so many have returned to tell me that they are working through those feelings after speaking with me. Yes it is shameful as I realise what a hypocrite I am.

 

[Unhumanly.]

Ashamed by the way I'm always slow at processing and understanding emotions and information

Ashamed by my disease that makes my skins rot and falling

Ashamed by my current state of relationship, family, partner and more

Ashamed to not move from my current state yet, I want to get out

 

[TapeMachine]

I feel ashamed of:
-my inconsistent moods
-my lack of drive/ambition
-how distant I've become from absolutely everyone

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't know. My mind is a mess. Sometimes I think that I'm ashamed of how incompetent I am at doing most things and how easily I give up under pressure (or even just the thought of pressure). However, other times, I think that I shouldn't be ashamed for this as, if I were to be competent enough at doing things or be resilient enough to go through life, would it be worth it? What's the point of struggling so hard in life? I don't even know and I'm so confused. Should I be ashamed or not?

 

[Kewan]

I´d say i feel ashamed of all those occasions i have hurt someone due to my mental unstability.
I know that in those moments i was unaware of the behaviours that might end up hurting someone, but i still wish those mistakes had never hapenned.
I guess that the way that i try to redeem myself it´s trying to not make the same mistakes again

 

[superwacki]

there are a lot of things abt myself that i am ashamed abt, but there are 3 things that take the cake and i dont know if i can disclose any of those, even if my identity is anonymous. it's really bad, and even by the standards of this forum it's something i just cannot share. it haunts me and it would haunt me more if someone were to not only know about it, but if they also looked down on me for it, which im sure they will. im not that kind of person but people can be very judgmental about something like those three things, even as open-minded as they are. i dont care how close you are to me, youll never know about what i've done. id rather rot & die with that stuck in my mind than tell someone

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

there are a lot of things abt myself that i am ashamed abt, but there are 3 things that take the cake and i dont know if i can disclose any of those, even if my identity is anonymous. it's really bad, and even by the standards of this forum it's something i just cannot share. it haunts me and it would haunt me more if someone were to not only know about it, but if they also looked down on me for it, which im sure they will. im not that kind of person but people can be very judgmental about something like those three things, even as open-minded as they are. i dont care how close you are to me, youll never know about what i've done. id rather rot & die with that stuck in my mind than tell someone

I can relate. I've had strong bad reactions to almost every medication I've cleared all the available drugs in 2 classes of drugs. My body couldn't tolerate them and I had bad symptoms or the drugs caused new or worse mental symptoms.

There was one drug that caused me to feel irritable and get intensely hostile thoughts and impulses. The psychiatrist said it would resolve after a month. It did not. I ended up killing an animal because of it. I stopped taking the drug because I was so shocked that I did that and I enjoyed the act.

After the drug was out of my system I've felt horrible, sick, and a pos for that. I feel haunted by it. Like I want to tell someone, but I can't. I want to be forgiven, but it's dead so there is no forgiveness. I don't want to imagine myself hurting anything. Yet I have a memory of me doing so. I don't even kill bugs, snakes, spiders, or giant centipedes or eat chicken pork and beef due to suffering. I sometimes get the thought was it the drug or just me that's a POS.

 

[superwacki]

I can relate. I've had strong bad reactions to almost every medication I've cleared all the available drugs in 2 classes of drugs. My body couldn't tolerate them and I had bad symptoms or the drugs caused new or worse mental symptoms.

There was one drug that caused me to feel irritable and get intensely hostile thoughts and impulses. The psychiatrist said it would resolve after a month. It did not. I ended up killing an animal because of it. I stopped taking the drug because I was so shocked that I did that and I enjoyed the act.

After the drug was out of my system I've felt horrible, sick, and a pos for that. I feel haunted by it. Like I want to tell someone, but I can't. I want to be forgiven, but it's dead so there is no forgiveness. I don't want to imagine myself hurting anything. Yet I have a memory of me doing so. I don't even kill bugs, snakes, spiders, or giant centipedes or eat chicken pork and beef due to suffering. I sometimes get the thought was it the drug or just me that's a POS.

don't beat yourself down too much. yes, i see that you've killed an innocent animal and got kicks out of it during the moment, whether it may be the drug that induced severe homicidal ideation/impulses or you may have had those kinds of thoughts under the rug and the drug just enhanced those things a thousandfold, don't blame yourself for what a drug has made you do. there may not be room for forgiveness directly from the animal itself as it is gone, unfortunately. but, if you seek forgiveness from anyone else, i believe what happened to you after all of this is beyond redeeming. you've changed your ways ever since that tragedy so much that you wouldn't even crush a fly, nor would you eat meat.

you seem like more than a good guy bro, i don't see you as evil

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

don't beat yourself down too much. yes, i see that you've killed an innocent animal and got kicks out of it during the moment, whether it may be the drug that induced severe homicidal ideation/impulses or you may have had those kinds of thoughts under the rug and the drug just enhanced those things a thousandfold, don't blame yourself for what a drug has made you do. there may not be room for forgiveness directly from the animal itself as it is gone, unfortunately. but, if you seek forgiveness from anyone else, i believe what happened to you after all of this is beyond redeeming. you've changed your ways ever since that tragedy so much that you wouldn't even crush a fly, nor would you eat meat.

you seem like more than a good guy bro, i don't see you as evil

I minimized killing things and didn't eat mass produced meat before the event. I didn't have impulses or thoughts about hurting or killing things before or after I had the drug in my system.

The only thing that really changed is make me question if it takes just a pill to make me a monster who can enjoy causing harm. The animal I killed was invasive so it can be considered a net positive. While I was on the medication, I wanted to do it again and wanted to cause it pain. That's a pretty big change.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I am ashamed of being born on a lowly planet when I deserve to be on a better one. This earth experience is shit.

 

[Death is my goal]

myself

 

[slightoverlooked]

wanting to be loved. i think i always cringe at myself bc i feel stupid for believing anyone could ever love me. and i also kind of feel like im betraying myself bc growing up i was always this independent child (lol child neglect) and i feel ashamed admitting to myself that i might want this affection and attention. idk. its rlly bad. the shame is rlly bad it rlly makes me suicidal most of the time or relapse sh.

 

[JordanF]

I've been homeschooled my whole life and I'm terrible with social contact. I'm 20 and I only had a job once, at which I lasted 2 days before I had a panic attack and quit. The adjustment from childhood to adulthood is so hard when you've never really experienced social contact.

 

[Mayfly]

I can't help my boyfriend

I love him with my whole heart and it shatters me to know he's going through so much. He can't confide in me. He doesn't trust me. And I can't blame him for his internalized loathing—I never give him reasons to show any faith in my assurance; I can't regulate my own emotions and he's paying the price.

I feel like such a dead weight in our relationship. He's so smart and funny and attractive that it kills me that he doesn't know it: I feel like such a failure as a girlfriend! Sometimes I think about how much happier he would be if he had a prettier girlfriend. He always comforts me and talks to me but I'm so useless in reciprocating. I feel like a stupid little girl all over again.

I don't know who or what I am… I used to think that being a boy would remedy my troubles but now I'm convinced that nothing can mend the vacancy in my chest. This world is so hopeless and *God* am I burdensome. Guess I'll keep screaming into the echo chamber instead of coping productively though… Wawaa lol

I love you, Sam

 

[MidnightCat]

This hits hard.

I'm ashamed of being alive. I've been thinking and fantasizing about suicide for years. Yet, I'm still alive. I feel like a liar.

Also, I'm ashamed I'm not even a person right now, more just like a piece of furniture. Can't enjoy, can't work, can't do anything. I'm useless.

I can't help my boyfriend

I love him with my whole heart and it shatters me to know he's going through so much. He can't confide in me. He doesn't trust me. And I can't blame him for his internalized loathing—I never give him reasons to show any faith in my assurance; I can't regulate my own emotions and he's paying the price.

I feel like such a dead weight in our relationship. He's so smart and funny and attractive that it kills me that he doesn't know it: I feel like such a failure as a girlfriend! Sometimes I think about how much happier he would be if he had a prettier girlfriend. He always comforts me and talks to me but I'm so useless in reciprocating. I feel like a stupid little girl all over again.

I don't know who or what I am… I used to think that being a boy would remedy my troubles but now I'm convinced that nothing can mend the vacancy in my chest. This world is so hopeless and *God* am I burdensome. Guess I'll keep screaming into the echo chamber instead of coping productively though… Wawaa lol

I love you, Sam

I may be overstepping, I apologize if I do.


I'm kinda on the situation your bf is, I can't confide on my wife. I wanted to share to maybe, bring a little bit of light or a different prism on the situation.


In my case, the problem is not that I do not trust her. I actually do. But, when I explain something to her... She usually cries, which makes me enter in a spiral of guilt/sadness. I feel guilty for making her feel sad with something I cannot really be helped with, so I end up feeling worse if I vent with her.


However, although I won't really explain much.. she's always trying her best for me, and I do appreciate it a lot, it actually really helps me keep going and not catching the bus.

Sometimes, all you can do and all we need is just be there.


You're a kind soul, I'm pretty sure you help him more than you think.

 

[Nigh]

Yeah, sure. It's the compulsive need to stare inappropriately, even if you don't want to. Usually at private areas of the body. This can include breasts, groains and even legs.

I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder. And I'm always anxious around people, even familial people. I can get so worked up and nervous, that I try to avoid eye contact at times and end up laying eyes on them inappropriately, just because I'm trying to avoid their eyes. Also when you constantly tell yourself not to look somewhere you more than likely end up doing it.

Just wanted to say that I'm not really great at explaining things. So as not to confuse people, much of the first paragraph is from an article on OCD staring, as I also wanted to get a professional take. If you want to learn more this is the website, https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-compulsive-staring. Xx

 

[broth0100]

im ashamed of my attitudes about other ppl and of my expectations of others, im ashamed of my mental illnesses and inability to b productive or get hired for a job or earn money

 

[ConfusedClouds]

im ashamed of my attitudes about other ppl and of my expectations of others, im ashamed of my mental illnesses and inability to b productive or get hired for a job or earn money

Similar to this. Just ashamed at myself and my attitude and attempts at actions in so many ways.

Sorry for bringing my jumble to this forum.

 

[Malaria]

I'm ashamed of a lot of mistakes I've made and I'm ashamed of my addictions. The mistakes I've made and my addictions continue to persist and fuck up my life even to this day. It's not truly something that happened in the past because these events and addictions continue on to this day. They ruin my ability to feel pleasure, have meaning in my life, and my relationship with loved ones. I don't cope with it well. In extreme cases, they can cause me to SH and/or attempt suicide. Many times I've tried to get better, I've relapsed and am back to square one.

 

[LittleCupcake]

The only thing I'm really asshamed of is having these thoughts, It gets annoying. Most nights I cant sleep untill mid night as I worry someone will call the services on me, and then im up again at 9 for some reason.

 

[hot]

Iam ashamed of my looks, iam so fucking ugly.

 

[RosesFlourish]

I'm awkward. I wish I was more charismatic. Not for surface level attention, but to stop getting perceived as annoying. Being annoying has gotten me abused. Then again, maybe this way I know who my real friends are because they accept me?

When my mom was on palliative care in hospital - she was expected to die any day. That particular evening it started to look like things were taking a turn for the worse and we were allowed to spend the night in hospital (my brother, sister, my dad and me). We took turns that night to sit next to her, ready to call everyone if we suspected that she'd pass soon. She got through the night and things looked 'ok' in the morning and everyone took turns to shower, I was the last one up and the last one to shower. When I was halfway done, when suddenly my dad banged on the door screaming that I needed to come immediately. But you can't just turn up naked and wet so I tried my best to dry up and jumped into my clothes as fast as I could. Once I got in room, it turned out that my mom had already passed. Everyone was there except for me. It feels like I failed her one last time, at the most important time. I'm so so incredibly angry, disgusted and ashamed of myself.
It's been 2 years and I still have trouble taking a shower, most of the time I just can't get myself to do it. The memory replays in my head and it just hurts too much.I've already been a failure of a son to my parents due to my mental illness and this was just the icing on the cake for me.

Having been diagnosed with PTSD, I know what it's like to have awful memories repeat over and over in my head. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope eventually you can heal and shower even just once a week.