a_carbon_based_life
I deserve peace
- Aug 16, 2023
- 43
Tw: SA, child abuse
Howdy, idk if im putting this in the right place but I want to talk to someone who won't automatically freak out at the mention of suicide as an option. I'd like to get better but I'm in the process of trying to gauge if I have it in me to try one more time. Ive had depression since I was 8 and it has been consistently been getting worse since then. (I'm 19 now). I've had anxiety as long as I can remember, chronic depersonalization and de realization since 10, intense gender dysphoria since 7, cptsd since childhood, and am suspected of being autistic. By 8 I had already been beaten repeatedly by multiple teachers and I would continue to be abused in various ways by most of the adults in my life both in and out of school until high school. The anxiety being in a school building or even just having to join online classes became so bad that I had to drop out. The only way I could keep myself calm enough to actually take the GED tests was to show up drunk, otherwise I'd freeze and start sobbing, my brain wouldn't stay calm enough for me to so much as read the questions on the screen while sober. I haven't had any sort of susbstance issues other than this. I've had multiple therapists say that my school related PTSD could qualify me for disability if I wanted and that it's very possible that I wouldn't be able to hold a job anytime soon. In early 2020 I had a mental breakdown and went into psychotic depression, I can't remember much of what happened during the first 3-4 months but j do remember my nails getting brittle enough that I started using super glue to hold them together. I didn't start leaving the house regularly again until last December. I thought I had made a new friend, an old one came back, I got my drivers license, etc and it was the first time since I was 8 that I could actually say my depression was getting better instead of worse. Then 2 months later I lost them both along with my best friend of 6 years and my therapist within the span of a couple weeks. After talking with someone else I figured out that the new friend I made love bombed me, repeatedly sexually assaulted me, went from texting me whenever she got the chance to constantly saying she was too busy to talk to or see me after the first time I held my ground and didn't let her push past my boundaries. At the time I refused to believe what was going on and convinced myself that it had to have been a mistake. She was one of the only people I could say I ever really loved. So when I confronted her about why she suddenly grew cold she "cut me off" then kept switching between saying she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that she just needed a break because she wasn't feeling well and would contact me again when she was better for 4 months. When she initially cut me off, I turned to my best friend for support only for her to slowly pull away. Long story short I realized that any time I really needed her support she would lie to me and say she needed a mental health break and come back 1-3 months later when she thought everything had blown over, I got mad at her, and she decided to end the friendship over thinking I was in the wrong for being mad. I haven't felt entirely comfortable going out in public regularly since. For the first half a year I convinced myself that it was entirely my fault because how else would 3 people, including the 2 people I loved most leave me all at once. I felt like I'd lost the one chance at happiness I'd been given in a over a decade and I still kind of feel like that. Ive been trying to slowly get back to what little goals and passions from before but everything seems so small, especially knowing the amount of pain I'm going to have to go through in order to be able to be independent eventually. Idk if this made a lot of sense, idk I have it in me to edit it and make it coherant right now. It's a lot, I'm sorry. Idk what to do. I'd like to get better, I'd like to do justice to all the pieces of me that stayed strong and hung onto any sort of happiness they could find over the years. I'd like to do justice to the version of myself that was excited to learn and explore and create and love, no matter how deeply buried he is right now. But I just don't know how
Howdy, idk if im putting this in the right place but I want to talk to someone who won't automatically freak out at the mention of suicide as an option. I'd like to get better but I'm in the process of trying to gauge if I have it in me to try one more time. Ive had depression since I was 8 and it has been consistently been getting worse since then. (I'm 19 now). I've had anxiety as long as I can remember, chronic depersonalization and de realization since 10, intense gender dysphoria since 7, cptsd since childhood, and am suspected of being autistic. By 8 I had already been beaten repeatedly by multiple teachers and I would continue to be abused in various ways by most of the adults in my life both in and out of school until high school. The anxiety being in a school building or even just having to join online classes became so bad that I had to drop out. The only way I could keep myself calm enough to actually take the GED tests was to show up drunk, otherwise I'd freeze and start sobbing, my brain wouldn't stay calm enough for me to so much as read the questions on the screen while sober. I haven't had any sort of susbstance issues other than this. I've had multiple therapists say that my school related PTSD could qualify me for disability if I wanted and that it's very possible that I wouldn't be able to hold a job anytime soon. In early 2020 I had a mental breakdown and went into psychotic depression, I can't remember much of what happened during the first 3-4 months but j do remember my nails getting brittle enough that I started using super glue to hold them together. I didn't start leaving the house regularly again until last December. I thought I had made a new friend, an old one came back, I got my drivers license, etc and it was the first time since I was 8 that I could actually say my depression was getting better instead of worse. Then 2 months later I lost them both along with my best friend of 6 years and my therapist within the span of a couple weeks. After talking with someone else I figured out that the new friend I made love bombed me, repeatedly sexually assaulted me, went from texting me whenever she got the chance to constantly saying she was too busy to talk to or see me after the first time I held my ground and didn't let her push past my boundaries. At the time I refused to believe what was going on and convinced myself that it had to have been a mistake. She was one of the only people I could say I ever really loved. So when I confronted her about why she suddenly grew cold she "cut me off" then kept switching between saying she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that she just needed a break because she wasn't feeling well and would contact me again when she was better for 4 months. When she initially cut me off, I turned to my best friend for support only for her to slowly pull away. Long story short I realized that any time I really needed her support she would lie to me and say she needed a mental health break and come back 1-3 months later when she thought everything had blown over, I got mad at her, and she decided to end the friendship over thinking I was in the wrong for being mad. I haven't felt entirely comfortable going out in public regularly since. For the first half a year I convinced myself that it was entirely my fault because how else would 3 people, including the 2 people I loved most leave me all at once. I felt like I'd lost the one chance at happiness I'd been given in a over a decade and I still kind of feel like that. Ive been trying to slowly get back to what little goals and passions from before but everything seems so small, especially knowing the amount of pain I'm going to have to go through in order to be able to be independent eventually. Idk if this made a lot of sense, idk I have it in me to edit it and make it coherant right now. It's a lot, I'm sorry. Idk what to do. I'd like to get better, I'd like to do justice to all the pieces of me that stayed strong and hung onto any sort of happiness they could find over the years. I'd like to do justice to the version of myself that was excited to learn and explore and create and love, no matter how deeply buried he is right now. But I just don't know how
