chronichope
New Member
- Oct 22, 2023
- 1
I got my ass kicked by long covid for the second time and now I can't stop wanting to kill myself.
First time I had it it was in 2020, right out of high school, so instead of getting any job experience I was basically bedridden for almost 2 years. I got a job almost by miracle the moment I was able to and I worked my ass off for a year to provide for myself and my mother who is currently on disability. I was able to move out, start a life for myself, I got a girlfriend and started planning on moving in together when I got covid again and everything fell apart. In my country long covid is not recognized so my only option was to quit my job and hope to god I would be well enough by the time my funds ran dry.
Well here I am desparately looking for a job, already in dept to my friends, my girlfriend also recently lost her job so she can't move here and so I'm stuck in a home I don't know how long I'll be able to pay for missing the only person who was able to make me feel happy when I lost my job and feeling like I'm on level zero once again.
I'm so tired of starting over again. I feel like that's all I've ever done. I did everything I could to get out of poverty, generational trauma, abuse, everything. I was always independant because I knew I could never rely on anybody. I was finally on my way to a life I could actually do something with, a life worth living, a start, something cozy I could build my future off of. And now here I am. Suicidal again. With razor scars on my arm which my friend commented on with: "How are you going to get a job with that?".
I don't know man...I know he's right, but I can't bring myself to really care. I just want to hurt myself over and over again. It's like all the work I've done was for nothing.
I guess the worst part is the fact that I know how I could fix it but I don't have the resources. Like if I had the time and money I'd just go to a lung doctor and a neuro doctor and an endo and get all my shit checked and figured out so I could feel a little better physically and maybe even start EMDR or TMS therapy, or at least get something to combat my OCD symptoms. Idk man anything...anything to help this. I've never given up even when doctors prescribed me meds that fucked me up for good, I still went on and on and tried my darnest to make it work. I've been trying to get help for a literal decade and it never helps because I always have to pick myself up and have no one I can rely on. I've done everything you're supposed to and the universe just keeps sending me more pain. Everyone expects me to be strong but I can't do it anymore.
I know there's things worth living for and that I'm only 22 and there's things that can help but I've been holding on for so fucking long and I can feel myself slipping every day. I'm expected to be an adult but I feel like a scared child that doesn't know what he's doing. I just want to curl up into someones arms and be taken care of but no one can do that for me. I want it to stop I want to stop having to hold on. But i can't. Because there's no one there to catch me. My last attempt was a few weeks ago and ever since I've been battling the need to try again. I know I'm a coward and most likely won't be able to ever do it properly but it's so fucking tiring.
Anyway sorry for the long rant. I needed to let it out because I'm just tired. I have to wake up in like 3 hours to go to a new psychiatrist. Pray that she doesn't get me hospitalized or some shit and actually listens to me. Anyway I'll probably update with another rant about that. Hope that's okay. Stay strong out there.
First time I had it it was in 2020, right out of high school, so instead of getting any job experience I was basically bedridden for almost 2 years. I got a job almost by miracle the moment I was able to and I worked my ass off for a year to provide for myself and my mother who is currently on disability. I was able to move out, start a life for myself, I got a girlfriend and started planning on moving in together when I got covid again and everything fell apart. In my country long covid is not recognized so my only option was to quit my job and hope to god I would be well enough by the time my funds ran dry.
Well here I am desparately looking for a job, already in dept to my friends, my girlfriend also recently lost her job so she can't move here and so I'm stuck in a home I don't know how long I'll be able to pay for missing the only person who was able to make me feel happy when I lost my job and feeling like I'm on level zero once again.
I'm so tired of starting over again. I feel like that's all I've ever done. I did everything I could to get out of poverty, generational trauma, abuse, everything. I was always independant because I knew I could never rely on anybody. I was finally on my way to a life I could actually do something with, a life worth living, a start, something cozy I could build my future off of. And now here I am. Suicidal again. With razor scars on my arm which my friend commented on with: "How are you going to get a job with that?".
I don't know man...I know he's right, but I can't bring myself to really care. I just want to hurt myself over and over again. It's like all the work I've done was for nothing.
I guess the worst part is the fact that I know how I could fix it but I don't have the resources. Like if I had the time and money I'd just go to a lung doctor and a neuro doctor and an endo and get all my shit checked and figured out so I could feel a little better physically and maybe even start EMDR or TMS therapy, or at least get something to combat my OCD symptoms. Idk man anything...anything to help this. I've never given up even when doctors prescribed me meds that fucked me up for good, I still went on and on and tried my darnest to make it work. I've been trying to get help for a literal decade and it never helps because I always have to pick myself up and have no one I can rely on. I've done everything you're supposed to and the universe just keeps sending me more pain. Everyone expects me to be strong but I can't do it anymore.
I know there's things worth living for and that I'm only 22 and there's things that can help but I've been holding on for so fucking long and I can feel myself slipping every day. I'm expected to be an adult but I feel like a scared child that doesn't know what he's doing. I just want to curl up into someones arms and be taken care of but no one can do that for me. I want it to stop I want to stop having to hold on. But i can't. Because there's no one there to catch me. My last attempt was a few weeks ago and ever since I've been battling the need to try again. I know I'm a coward and most likely won't be able to ever do it properly but it's so fucking tiring.
Anyway sorry for the long rant. I needed to let it out because I'm just tired. I have to wake up in like 3 hours to go to a new psychiatrist. Pray that she doesn't get me hospitalized or some shit and actually listens to me. Anyway I'll probably update with another rant about that. Hope that's okay. Stay strong out there.
