Venting Dealing with friend that's also suicidal

[octopusinu]

I wouldn't say we are actually close close but we've known each other for a few years. She has a rough life from whatever bits I gathered from her, and talks about ctbing a lot. I'd hate to see her die, last year she almost did if her other friend in her country didn't call the police on her, when she disappeared from her social media I was devastated for days. I always wanted to CTB before she did, maybe I'm narcissistic and wanted her to be sad and remember me, idk. But she had already lost a friend to suicide a few years back that contributed a lot to her suicidal thoughts, and I'd hate to be cruel to her a second time. I'd literally bother her to do things for me overseas(since we're so far apart so it takes months) just so I can have a little insurance that she will live through another month.

Recently she started talking about wiping her accounts clean and staging a fake accident to at least get money out of insurance, and I'm again worried. I'm obviously in no place to tell her to not do it, I write similar shit like that all the time too. I wish I can tell her I want her to live and I care about her, I don't think I'd give that much of a crap if it were anyone else. I can only hope her closer friends will stop her if she really decides to do it. At least when I finally ctb I can stop thinking and worrying so much ig.

 

[attheend13]

I wouldn't say we are actually close close but we've known each other for a few years. She has a rough life from whatever bits I gathered from her, and talks about ctbing a lot. I'd hate to see her die, last year she almost did if her other friend in her country didn't call the police on her, when she disappeared from her social media I was devastated for days. I always wanted to CTB before she did, maybe I'm narcissistic and wanted her to be sad and remember me, idk. But she had already lost a friend to suicide a few years back that contributed a lot to her suicidal thoughts, and I'd hate to be cruel to her a second time. I'd literally bother her to do things for me overseas(since we're so far apart so it takes months) just so I can have a little insurance that she will live through another month.

Recently she started talking about wiping her accounts clean and staging a fake accident to at least get money out of insurance, and I'm again worried. I'm obviously in no place to tell her to not do it, I write similar shit like that all the time too. I wish I can tell her I want her to live and I care about her, I don't think I'd give that much of a crap if it were anyone else. I can only hope her closer friends will stop her if she really decides to do it. At least when I finally ctb I can stop thinking and worrying so much ig.

This is a huge issue for me too. If someone said to me what I say here , I would want to help. That's not fair. Help isn't what I want. I want a way out. We passed help a few stops back. Yet my inner savior comes out to play and I can't silence it, I'm so good at helping others. I'm that person in your life you run to. I'm the one who gets those calls. I'm so good at running my mouth about the value in others. If I CTB, I'll be exposing a mountain of lies that actually helped other people. Trouble is I don't believe a word of it. I'm a toxic person.

 

[octopusinu]

This is a huge issue for me too. If someone said to me what I say here , I would want to help. That's not fair. Help isn't what I want. I want a way out. We passed help a few stops back. Yet my inner savior comes out to play and I can't silence it, I'm so good at helping others. I'm that person in your life you run to. I'm the one who gets those calls. I'm so good at running my mouth about the value in others. If I CTB, I'll be exposing a mountain of lies that actually helped other people. Trouble is I don't believe a word of it. I'm a toxic person.

Yea there's a point in life where if it gets shitty enough you may as well ctb than continue living. The biggest reason I don't want my friend to ctb is because I'd feel really sad and miss her, even though I want to do the same thing to her, its selfish.

 

[yearsoflonliness]

I don't get it. You aren't even that close but you're worried that she'll die first and that makes you upset because you want her to be sad over you dying first?

Secondly, if you also want to die, wouldn't you feel empathy for her situation, and accept that she wants to die? Instead of hope that she gets stopped again?

I'm confused. Do you want to help her, or do you want to use your suicidal tendencies as a way to cause her more grief?

 

[golta]

I have a friend who is also suicidal and I feel similar to you. You could try to court down contact so she might never know about you doing ctb

 

[theboy]

I would like to have a partner

 

[octopusinu]

I don't get it. You aren't even that close but you're worried that she'll die first and that makes you upset because you want her to be sad over you dying first?

Secondly, if you also want to die, wouldn't you feel empathy for her situation, and accept that she wants to die? Instead of hope that she gets stopped again?

I'm confused. Do you want to help her, or do you want to use your suicidal tendencies as a way to cause her more grief?

We aren't close as in we don't talk about everything everyday, but we've still known each other the longest out of all of our respective friend groups. We also share a lot in common and trauma bonds I just really like her dawg. The whole reason why I'm venting is because I know she's beyond help and theres nothing I can or should do but I can't control my brain feeling conflicted, feeling sad and want to do selfish shit. I don't get how ur interpreting it maybe my wording is bad but the whole point is I'm "venting", not "asking for advice", not "making other people understand" dude.