RainAndSadness
Administrator
- Jun 12, 2018
- 2,085
I wasn't quite sure where to post this thread. I wanted to post it in suicide discussion because the subject I'm talking about relates a lot to my suicide ideation, on the other hand, it's a positive topic, so I decided to put this in here. This procedure I'm talking about isn't gonna put me into recovery but maybe it can ease some of the gender dysphoria that I'm going through and therefore, some of my mental pain and distress. So, what's this about? I have a surgery on March 25. It's an FFS, a so called "facial feminization surgery" - covered by my insurance. As a trans person, this is probably the most important surgery of my life because it could finally reduce my gender dysphoria permanently. I definitely look feminine but I have many masculine facial features, despite 4 years of transition. My facial hair is almost gone completely and I definitely have a feminine face. But it's not enough, at least in my opinion, to achieve a full-on passing as a woman. I still get misgendered from time to time and I think people are rather confused about my gender because I look very androgynous and that's not a very pleasant experience either.
The plastic surgery includes:
-forehead reduction
-chin and jawline reduction
-brow lift
-nose lift
-lip lift
It sounds like a lot but it really isn't. The changes are gonna be very subtle but all of these changes combined will achieve an overall female passing. Now, I don't know how much it would change in terms of my suicide ideation. To be honest, it's probably not gonna affect my desire to leave that much but it's gonna definitely improve my daily experience simply because I can finally look into the mirror without cringing and I'll get recognized as a female member of society after so many years. This in itself is gonna make life easier and therefore more endurable. But I'm still suffering from depression, borderline personality disorder (very bad condition), dysthymia, social anxiety and rheumatoid arthritis - so when put into perspective, it's probably just a minor change. But it's still a huge step for me because gender dysphoria is one of the main reasons why I want to ctb and without the approval for this surgery I would probably be gone already.
There is just one problem: I don't know if it's effectively gonna erase my gender dysphoria. The issue is, gender dysphoria is a very strong mental condition and there is no cure for it. You can only treat it so much and FFS is definitely a very effective tool to reduce the distress to a large degree but we don't know if that's gonna be the case here. I know plenty of trans people that are still suffering a lot from gender dysphoria after that surgery, despite looking like a woman. Why? Well, because gender dysphoria makes us thinks we look male, even if we don't. I could pass as a woman and still see a male person in the mirror and that's the problem. I really hope that's not gonna happen because it would be a waste of resources and money. But if it turns out that this is the case, it would simply be another reason for me to ctb because if an invasive surgery like FFS doesn't help, nothing is gonna help. And that would essentially turn me into a hopeless case, doomed to suffer from gender dysphoria until my last breath.
Initially, I wanted to leave before the surgery takes place but after talking to some people in this community I made the decision to wait and give this procedure a chance. There is no harm in waiting, my N isn't gonna run away and in the best case, I'll actually appreciate the outcome of this surgery and experience an decrease of my suffering. So, let's see how it turns out. I'll keep you up to date.
The plastic surgery includes:
-forehead reduction
-chin and jawline reduction
-brow lift
-nose lift
-lip lift
It sounds like a lot but it really isn't. The changes are gonna be very subtle but all of these changes combined will achieve an overall female passing. Now, I don't know how much it would change in terms of my suicide ideation. To be honest, it's probably not gonna affect my desire to leave that much but it's gonna definitely improve my daily experience simply because I can finally look into the mirror without cringing and I'll get recognized as a female member of society after so many years. This in itself is gonna make life easier and therefore more endurable. But I'm still suffering from depression, borderline personality disorder (very bad condition), dysthymia, social anxiety and rheumatoid arthritis - so when put into perspective, it's probably just a minor change. But it's still a huge step for me because gender dysphoria is one of the main reasons why I want to ctb and without the approval for this surgery I would probably be gone already.
There is just one problem: I don't know if it's effectively gonna erase my gender dysphoria. The issue is, gender dysphoria is a very strong mental condition and there is no cure for it. You can only treat it so much and FFS is definitely a very effective tool to reduce the distress to a large degree but we don't know if that's gonna be the case here. I know plenty of trans people that are still suffering a lot from gender dysphoria after that surgery, despite looking like a woman. Why? Well, because gender dysphoria makes us thinks we look male, even if we don't. I could pass as a woman and still see a male person in the mirror and that's the problem. I really hope that's not gonna happen because it would be a waste of resources and money. But if it turns out that this is the case, it would simply be another reason for me to ctb because if an invasive surgery like FFS doesn't help, nothing is gonna help. And that would essentially turn me into a hopeless case, doomed to suffer from gender dysphoria until my last breath.
Initially, I wanted to leave before the surgery takes place but after talking to some people in this community I made the decision to wait and give this procedure a chance. There is no harm in waiting, my N isn't gonna run away and in the best case, I'll actually appreciate the outcome of this surgery and experience an decrease of my suffering. So, let's see how it turns out. I'll keep you up to date.
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