Venting I was born wrong, and death is the closest I can get to making myself right.

[Naked Weapon]

I'm here to make another "being trans is hard" post, but in an effort to see if anyone else understands.

I always knew I was in the wrong body despite not caring about my gender. I played with boys' toys and girls' toys. Wore boys' clothes and girls' clothes. When the clothes came off, however, I wanted to flay myself. I hated the way my body looked and the genitals attached. I was never sure what to name myself or refer to myself as because it felt like less of an issue of the mind--and more of the body. I felt the urge to remove myself from my form from such a young age that this hatred weighs on me. I look at myself and cry.

That is not to say that I didn't try. I did HRT to look more feminine. I've had a gender-affirming surgery and changed my name and gender marker. But none of this has alleviated my dysphoria. I still feel just as I did in elementary school. No matter how many medical professionals I tell, they do not understand. When I went to see another surgeon, he even laughed at me when I described my thoughts on my transition. I can't ever seem to be content, let alone happy with my body because I know it will always be wrong. I have no issues with gender, and if I were born correctly I might even still consider HRT to go the other way. It's just that that's the body I want. Not this. I see other trans people slowly start to feel happier and happier after medical transitioning and while I feel happier with them I also feel slightly jealous. I have no doubts that what I did was right (I'm not regretful or wanting to detransition in any capacity), but I don't have anything else I can do. Do I just want an excuse to attack being born at all?

Death is seemingly my only way to escape constant body horror. Why couldn't I be born in a body I could live with? It's not a matter of "my gender will never be valid", but "my body will never be right".

 

[K-β]

"my body will never be right".

i felt seen by this. i'm transfeminine as well and have been taking hormones for over 9 months now. i feel like i'm living in a shell, like this is just some husk my consciousness was thrust into as some sort of sick joke, watching my body slip away into a living nightmare has ruined my life. i try so hard to make myself more feminine but it never feels like enough. i suppose what i am trying to say is that i understand how you feel on a deeply personal level.

 

[Naked Weapon]

i suppose what i am trying to say is that i understand how you feel on a deeply personal level.

Thank you. I'm in a particularly fragile mood as of late because of this realisation and you made me shed a tear. I'm with you in solidarity, and even if it seems like an impossible dream I wish for us to achieve something even close to contentment

 

[K-β]

Thank you. I'm in a particularly fragile mood as of late because of this realisation and you made me shed a tear. I'm with you in solidarity, and even if it seems like an impossible dream I wish for us to achieve something even close to contentment

i appreciate that you shared those feelings. it means a lot. and yes, hopefully some day we can achieve contentment.

 

[cantthinkofusername]

real i wish i was a girl

 

[Lexapro]

same, hopefully there is reincarnation and i can be born as a girl or as someone who is content with their gender, starting fresh sounds better than living like this for 60 more years

 

[eian]

i dont want to be referred by anything i dont want to be seen as anything i dont want to be anything i just want to be treated like i dont have any gender or any sex or anything just want to exist