Venting i hate being trans

[acdef0]

im a trans man and my trans identity is ruining my life. i would do anything to just be a cis man or even a cis woman, anything to not be trans. i know its wrong to feel this way because theres nothing wrong with trans people i just have problems with me myself being trans but i really wish i could just go somewhere and be "cured" of my identity and live my life as a cis woman.

some days my dysphoria is so bad i dont want to go out and talk to anyone, i often skip meet ups and stuff because my dysphoria gets the best of me. whenever im out i always pay close attention to all the cis men around me and compare myself to them. i look at their facial features and structure and wonder what i can do to look the same and why i wasnt born like them. its not just dysphoria that makes me feel like shit, its also society and how unsupportive it really is.

one of my friends almost found out i was trans and began to push me around and grab me, threatening to punch me. i managed to convince him im cis and he stopped. my other friends call me slurs, threaten to out me to people i dont like. my family is very supportive of me being trans but i cant help but feel a few of them really dislike me for it and dont want to help me with my transition or anything. i get scared whenever im out because a lot of people in my area know im trans (or maybe im just thinking to much into it) and i feel like they are out to get me. i know it sounds absurd but ive already been assaulted for being trans and i just know it will happen again someday. i hate posting online because i get people telling me to seek help because im trans, tell me im ruining my body and stuff but i try and ignore it for the most part and block them but transphobes are very rampant, they want me to know that there is something very wrong with me and im sick and twisted and perverted for thinking i could be anything more than a woman.

i havent started it yet but the thought of taking hrt is very scary too. i know i would probably feel so much better about myself if i took it but theres two side effects which are the deal breakers to me. theres a lot of disadvages to taking testosterone but it depends on how you look at it but to me male pattern baldness and weight gain are the worst. ive been ridiculed my whole life for how i look especially for my hair. im 5'3 and weight like 64KG so im already pretty overweight and ive been trying to loose weight but its just a long process. i just wish the one thing i need in my life didnt effect the parts of me im most insecure about in the worst ways. i know not every trans person who takes testosterone will experience male pattern baldness or weight gain but it can happen and its not at all uncommon. i cant minimise the effects, taking a smaller dose of testosterone wont make me less likely of developing these issues.

theres nothing good about being trans, my family tells me that they're so proud of me for being able to express myself and my gender but theres nothing to be proud of. i wish i didnt come out at all. not because i dont think im trans or im having doubts but because of the overwhellming amount of issues its caused me. i should have expected that coming out would mean id be faced with more ostracization and transphobia but i didnt even willfully come out myself. one of my family members kind of forced me into it but i dont want to blame them for my problems that wouldnt even exist if i was just cis.

i wish i could be cis so bad but i cant so id rather be dead. i think people really underestimate how much it really hurts to be trans. it really fucking hurts. no matter what i do, no matter how masculine i look i will always carry this burden with me. i will always know deep down im trans and thats all ill ever be.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Your situation is so heartbreaking, it really shows by the way you write, I'm so sorry you're in that predicament...it sounds like hell :(

You're right about the side effects and they're common, or at least I've seen a lot of people report them. I know very little about being trans beyond what I read online so pardon my ignorance but is there anything you could do to feel more comfortable with your body beyond testosterone? I'm sure you'd have done it by now if there was but I felt I needed to ask.

Would therapy help in any way? Working on self esteem? I really know very little but your post pulled at my heart strings, I wish I could help with something, some advice that would make you feel better with the wonderful person that you are.

 

[restless.dreams]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. You have made it this far, and that is something to be proud of. Your "friends" sound like assholes tbh. Is there an LGBTQ+ support group where you live? I think if you spent time with other trans people, you might have an easier time accepting yourself. Wishing the best for you <3

 

[hot]

one of my friends almost found out i was trans and began to push me around and grab me, threatening to punch me. i managed to convince him im cis and he stopped. my other friends call me slurs, threaten to out me to people i dont like.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I will always ask myself why people don't just leave other people alone. No one was born and chose to be the way they are. I wish you a lot of strength. I hope you will feel better in the future. Much love

 

[Scythe]

Perhaps it's time to cut contact with those friends. They aren't good people. A way to determine if you will experience male pattern baldness is to ask your parents and grand parents when they started balding.

I'm trans ftm as well, and yeah, my transition is never going to satisify me either. But transitioning is still better than nothing, even if I can never be satisified.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The fact that your friends reaction to you being trans is to start calling you slurs and threatening you is a good sign that you need better friends. Good friends care for your well-being and support you, even when it comes to things they don't fully understand. You deserve better than them.

I'm sorry your gender dysphoria has caused you so much stress. I can barely handle having to deal with these two strands of terminal hairs that grow on my face without it making me feel like shit (I have pcos, sadly), so I can't even imagine having to deal with going through what you go through. I'm glad that your family seems supportive of you though. Despite the progress that has been made in the past, transphobia is still incredibly rampant in our society and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. People like to hate and discriminate against those they don't understand, rather than just leaving them alone. It's really pathetic.

If male pattern baldness and weight gain scare you then maybe you could trying looking into seeing if there is anything you can do to minimize these issues on hrt. I found this blog talking about things that can be done to help trans men with male pattern baldness:

Trans Men, HRT & Hair Loss | RHRLI

No man likes to see himself starting to lose hair, but hair loss in trans men poses some specific challenges. Since the most common form of hair loss,

rhrli.com

Along with that, weight gain on hrt is determined by a mixture of genetics and diet. I think that so long as you keep up a proper diet and exercise regime you might be able to minimize any weight gain and even build up some muscle mass. It should be noted that I'm cis and not a medical professional, so it'd probably be best to ask a doctor about this.

You are more than just trans. Being trans is only a single aspect of you as a person and while a lot of assholes will try to reduce your entire being down to just that, others will see you as more than that. I hope that things get better for you and that you get better friends because your current "friend" suck.

 

[Ash]

Everyone deserves better "friends" than that. I had a similar experience from some people when I came out (sexuality) but what I can tell you is that every single one of my trans and NB friends are so much happier since they started transitioning, whether just clothes etc or hormones or operations. (In fact they found an asymptomatic but malignant tumour during one of my friend's operations so being trans literally saved their life.)

I can't speak as to your life and circumstances but I firmly believe in Pride and I hope that one day you can celebrate yourself in full blown glorious technicolour and shout down everyone who tries to undermine who you are.

Sending love and solidarity

 

[maxoffline]

I feel this entirely, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Sending complete solidarity