goodoldnoname923
Wanting to find peace
- Mar 28, 2024
- 834
Classic star wars reference i know but very accurate to my situation
I always considered myself to be a good person and i think for the many years of my life i was,i wanted the best for people i wanted to be liked by everyone etc or so i believe i feel i was deprived alot of love and affection growing up which was probably more my own doing
I didn't really have many friends down to poor social skills and eviroments i was in i did bad stuff even from a young age genuinely not knowing any better and for years i guess this became a common trend
Over time problems started to occur in my life at school at home and my brain never knew how to process or identify these problems therefore dealing with them was definitely challenging…
I didn't really go to anyone about these feelings so what did i do? I held on to them conciously or not i over thought stuff…when i went to talk to someone about the bulling i was dealing with it was shut down immediately,my parents did the same and because or a lack of friends irl i relyed alot on friends online
But i never told them about the bulling i was facing the troubles i was having at home and even within myself as i never understood the problems i just felt what i felt
I went about these emotions in many of the wrong ways over the years hurtint people in the process as well as myself losing tons of friends struggling to mantain and sustain relationships
I always felt i could improve but for various reasons I don't even fully understand i was never entirely capable and the constant doubt hate and mislabelling never helped that
For years i'd have people call me many things "attention seeker,manipulator,psychopath" so on and forth and having this told to you especially from a young age years on end (and looking back on my behaviour and even now i can understand why people get these perceptions but projecting them onto someone as impressionable and caring about others feelings myself really isn't helpful) because no one else would understand me i felt i had to but because of that i could never get the support i needed or actually work on these issues directly because i spent my whole life tryint to explain them
For years i've been mislabelled to a point where i just think was i all these things all along or have i just become it?…even if I'm not because i know there is good in me i'm at a stage where i'm like why bother trying to be a good person anymore when for years thats what i always wanted to be and tried to be
But i've gotten to a stage now that all these years of unintended (maybe intended in some cases) of abuse gaslighting and character assassination
As well as the one friend i had that saw good in me and believed in me and gave me the love and support i needed abandoned me..because of my shitty actions admitely
The only way i see a way back to being a good person (as i see the recovery path) is there return…otherwise if I can't find a way to off myself which is the reason i came here and I've definitely had some helpful pointers from people and even the huge blog posts i've done my best to take information from there
comprehension isn't my strongest suit it definitely has me worried it i can really achieve the fate i prefer
If she comes back or i can CTB i don't see this as a problem but if not well…idk what will become of me
I always considered myself to be a good person and i think for the many years of my life i was,i wanted the best for people i wanted to be liked by everyone etc or so i believe i feel i was deprived alot of love and affection growing up which was probably more my own doing
I didn't really have many friends down to poor social skills and eviroments i was in i did bad stuff even from a young age genuinely not knowing any better and for years i guess this became a common trend
Over time problems started to occur in my life at school at home and my brain never knew how to process or identify these problems therefore dealing with them was definitely challenging…
I didn't really go to anyone about these feelings so what did i do? I held on to them conciously or not i over thought stuff…when i went to talk to someone about the bulling i was dealing with it was shut down immediately,my parents did the same and because or a lack of friends irl i relyed alot on friends online
But i never told them about the bulling i was facing the troubles i was having at home and even within myself as i never understood the problems i just felt what i felt
I went about these emotions in many of the wrong ways over the years hurtint people in the process as well as myself losing tons of friends struggling to mantain and sustain relationships
I always felt i could improve but for various reasons I don't even fully understand i was never entirely capable and the constant doubt hate and mislabelling never helped that
For years i'd have people call me many things "attention seeker,manipulator,psychopath" so on and forth and having this told to you especially from a young age years on end (and looking back on my behaviour and even now i can understand why people get these perceptions but projecting them onto someone as impressionable and caring about others feelings myself really isn't helpful) because no one else would understand me i felt i had to but because of that i could never get the support i needed or actually work on these issues directly because i spent my whole life tryint to explain them
For years i've been mislabelled to a point where i just think was i all these things all along or have i just become it?…even if I'm not because i know there is good in me i'm at a stage where i'm like why bother trying to be a good person anymore when for years thats what i always wanted to be and tried to be
But i've gotten to a stage now that all these years of unintended (maybe intended in some cases) of abuse gaslighting and character assassination
As well as the one friend i had that saw good in me and believed in me and gave me the love and support i needed abandoned me..because of my shitty actions admitely
The only way i see a way back to being a good person (as i see the recovery path) is there return…otherwise if I can't find a way to off myself which is the reason i came here and I've definitely had some helpful pointers from people and even the huge blog posts i've done my best to take information from there
comprehension isn't my strongest suit it definitely has me worried it i can really achieve the fate i preferIf she comes back or i can CTB i don't see this as a problem but if not well…idk what will become of me
