goodoldnoname923
Wanting to find peace
- Mar 28, 2024
- 834
Starting to feel anxious again guess my mind is starting to wander off again
i'm not sure if I've made this apparent here before but I'm on the autism spectrum and was diagnosed at around the age of 5
I have cognitive problems that makes stuff way more difficult than it should be without really realising such as comprehensive challenges being a prime example as well as emotional difficulties for reasons i don't fully understand all i know is that it causes me to act out and lash out on people irrationally causing people emotional damage which makes creating and sustaining relationships to be significantly hard.
over the years the amount of people i've hurt and lost,my best friend especially has really forced me to take a long and hard look at myself,I struggle to feel full guilt for my actions as i dont seem to have an easy time acknowledging or accepting them i either seem to repress them or dissociate from them
Making it hard to ever learn from or correct them even when I identify my issues and problems that doesn't seem to change anything about my behaviour at all which i guess is a heavy factor why i find myself being pushed more towards wanting to end everything
considering she and many others genuinely think i'm a monster for what i do and what I've done and there is days i even believe those narratives or others were i find it hard to argue…I never want to hurt people yet i do it so off making the same mistakes i guess it makes me question myself even…reality is i don't think i am capable of changing no matter how hard i try even though I desperately want to
I unfortunately haven't had much help psychologically over the years but even if i did now i've lost so much of my life friends hurt so many people and lost the person that meant more than the world itself for me so i don't see a reason to continue anymore, i've not enjoyed my own life for an extremely long time which is another story in itself i could go into lack of experiences or any real hobbies or passions growing up lack of meaningful and long term relationships and so on
I struggle to form and maintain deep relationships and the lack of that really damages me emotionally
i'm not sure if I've made this apparent here before but I'm on the autism spectrum and was diagnosed at around the age of 5
I have cognitive problems that makes stuff way more difficult than it should be without really realising such as comprehensive challenges being a prime example as well as emotional difficulties for reasons i don't fully understand all i know is that it causes me to act out and lash out on people irrationally causing people emotional damage which makes creating and sustaining relationships to be significantly hard.
over the years the amount of people i've hurt and lost,my best friend especially has really forced me to take a long and hard look at myself,I struggle to feel full guilt for my actions as i dont seem to have an easy time acknowledging or accepting them i either seem to repress them or dissociate from them
Making it hard to ever learn from or correct them even when I identify my issues and problems that doesn't seem to change anything about my behaviour at all which i guess is a heavy factor why i find myself being pushed more towards wanting to end everything
considering she and many others genuinely think i'm a monster for what i do and what I've done and there is days i even believe those narratives or others were i find it hard to argue…I never want to hurt people yet i do it so off making the same mistakes i guess it makes me question myself even…reality is i don't think i am capable of changing no matter how hard i try even though I desperately want to
I unfortunately haven't had much help psychologically over the years but even if i did now i've lost so much of my life friends hurt so many people and lost the person that meant more than the world itself for me so i don't see a reason to continue anymore, i've not enjoyed my own life for an extremely long time which is another story in itself i could go into lack of experiences or any real hobbies or passions growing up lack of meaningful and long term relationships and so on
I struggle to form and maintain deep relationships and the lack of that really damages me emotionally
