I’m a miserable, evil person

[burninghill]

I'm such a bad person there's things I genuinely can't even admit on here or anywhere else.

I dream of being abused, abusing others, hurting others, cheating, coercion, and it's like my brain has no understanding of why these are bad. I mean, I logically understand why a lot of the things I think of are bad, but I feel no remorse for considering them, if that makes sense.

I really am just a person who's hardwired for evil. It's not the only reason that I'm suicidal, but I do know that if I live then I will hurt more people than I can even count.

I wish I had the strength right now to end this purposeless existence. My university year begins again soon and I want to die before then. At this point, I'm not sure that it matters whether I'm ready or not. I just have to do it.

I'm just tired of being this alone, I feel like nobody cares for me as a person deeper than attempts to seem like a good person. I've never had somebody who was really there for me, not in real life or online. I just want someone to talk to.

 

[coolcow1289]

If your inclination towards evil makes you want to CTB, maybe you aren't as remorseless as you think.

We are all evil. Look around you. The world is filled with rapists and murderers. Even the average person spends their life lying through their teeth. On their resumes, at their job, on their social media. To themselves. Everyone's willing to lie and steal and cheat. "Regular" people will eat each other, given the chance. Nothing is holy or sacred. Nothing is moral. Nothing has been in a long time.

You're alone and suffering. Is that not punishment enough? You should forgive yourself. You can still CTB, but do it in defiance, not out of guilt. There's more dignity that way.

Humans are inherently stupid and evil and it takes incredible strength to overcome it. That's the basis of every major religion and there's truth to it.

 

[limenlux]

I'm such a bad person there's things I genuinely can't even admit on here or anywhere else.

I dream of being abused, abusing others, hurting others, cheating, coercion, and it's like my brain has no understanding of why these are bad. I mean, I logically understand why a lot of the things I think of are bad, but I feel no remorse for considering them, if that makes sense.

I really am just a person who's hardwired for evil. It's not the only reason that I'm suicidal, but I do know that if I live then I will hurt more people than I can even count.

I wish I had the strength right now to end this purposeless existence. My university year begins again soon and I want to die before then. At this point, I'm not sure that it matters whether I'm ready or not. I just have to do it.

I'm just tired of being this alone, I feel like nobody cares for me as a person deeper than attempts to seem like a good person. I've never had somebody who was really there for me, not in real life or online. I just want someone to talk to.

Are you actually doing any of these things, or just fantasizing about them? If you were actually "hardwired" for evil, you would probably already be engaging in these behaviors and, at best, rationalizing them after the fact. As it stands, being able to intellectually discern what you should and should not do, and then act accordingly, is a clear indicator that you're not as morally bankrupt as you think you are.

Evil is something one does. It is not a series of thoughts, welcome or intrusive, and it is not something that one simply "is" independent of action.

 

[burninghill]

Are you actually doing any of these things, or just fantasizing about them? If you were actually "hardwired" for evil, you would probably already be engaging in these behaviors and, at best, rationalizing them after the fact. As it stands, being able to intellectually discern what you should and should not do, and then act accordingly, is a clear indicator that you're not as morally bankrupt as you think you are.

Evil is something one does. It is not a series of thoughts, welcome or intrusive, and it is not something that one simply "is" independent of action.

I don't think I really have the capability to act accordingly. I have done these things before. I'm quite an emotionally abusive and manipulative person and I am 100% aware of what I'm doing.

I don't think whether you're a bad person dependent on whether you act on your thoughts or not, it depends on the way you perceive your thoughts. When I think about hurting someone, logically I know that that is something that I shouldn't do (because to the perception of others, it would be a bad thing). Despite this, I don't really care and would do it anyway regardless if I could do it under no scrutiny. I have no moral compass outside of societal expectations.

I've always been this way, I don't mean this to sound edgy or heartless or whatever… it's just that my brain is so messed up and scrambled and I don't think I can fix it, nor do I have the desire to.

If your inclination towards evil makes you want to CTB, maybe you aren't as remorseless as you think.

We are all evil. Look around you. The world is filled with rapists and murderers. Even the average person spends their life lying through their teeth. On their resumes, at their job, on their social media. To themselves. Everyone's willing to lie and steal and cheat. "Regular" people will eat each other, given the chance. Nothing is holy or sacred. Nothing is moral. Nothing has been in a long time.

You're alone and suffering. Is that not punishment enough? You should forgive yourself. You can still CTB, but do it in defiance, not out of guilt. There's more dignity that way.

Humans are inherently stupid and evil and it takes incredible strength to overcome it. That's the basis of every major religion and there's truth to it.

I want to kill myself because I don't want to be punished for the things I could potentially do. It isn't as righteous as it sounds.

I don't care whether I die due to guilt or defiance, I just want to die for more reasons other than 'being inclined to evil'. I've always believed that I was born to kill myself, that God planned this for me even before I was made. I think that it serves a greater purpose, a cog in a machine. Like the butterfly affect. Maybe my death will cause something great and important.

I think that God made me this way internally intentionally so that I'd be pushed closer to death and not see myself as a person who can create value in the world.

 

[kaye]

how can i send you a message? i'm new to this forum :c

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

It's alright, mate. we're all a little evil. Thinking like that doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone's got their imperfections, the important thing is that we don't focus on them. There's no point. Focusing on them just reinforces them and that's a loop. If there's something you don't like about yourself, it's always possible to train it out. Also- there's a song you might like, "From Eden" by Hozier. It's great if you cand decode it, he basically just speaks in metaphors. Love and peace, mate

@kaye PMing people is locked behind being on the forum a certain amount of time I believe, not too long I think. def less than a month but I don't know the exact amount of time. And welcome to the forum! you'll find a great community here. Love and peace

 

[burninghill]

how can i send you a message? i'm new to this forum :c

You need someone to send a message to you as you need a certain amount of posts, I'm sorry! Id love to talk to you.

 

[sometimelater]

to love someone is to share your soul with them or so i hear. it's this right here that reminds me that that sentiment is completely blocked off for me. if even 1 second of my lowest moments were ever shared to someone it would immediately fuck whatever kind of perception they had of me. i'd have to fake the 'inner layer' of person you're supposed to share with a so. even if i didnt want to and really liked the person. this whole twisted scenario is fucked man i actually need to ctb lol

 

[zhaim]

if even 1 second of my lowest moments were ever shared to someone it would immediately fuck whatever kind of perception they had of me. i'd have to fake the 'inner layer' of person you're supposed to share with a so.

Honestly, you couldn't have worded this any better. This is exactly how I feel. I feel like such a terrible person for the things I do and the things I've done in the past, and I've recently found out that my most recent ex and a past ex have been talking about me and labelling me as evil and terrible. And I can't even blame them. But the things they say only make me feel disgusted about myself. After my most recent ex broke up with me, I've truly been trying to improve myself and work on my habits, but finding out about their conversations has their words and thoughts about just not existing gnawing at me. I don't even know if I want to ctb or just be a completely different person. I feel scared ever opening up to or trying to get with anyone again. I can change as much as I want, but it would be hard to hide my entire past if I were ever to commit to a relationship.

 

[MephiticShadow]

to love someone is to share your soul with them or so i hear. it's this right here that reminds me that that sentiment is completely blocked off for me. if even 1 second of my lowest moments were ever shared to someone it would immediately fuck whatever kind of perception they had of me. i'd have to fake the 'inner layer' of person you're supposed to share with a so. even if i didnt want to and really liked the person. this whole twisted scenario is fucked man i actually need to ctb lol

I read a different definition of love in a book recently that I really liked and made sense to me. It said loving someone is simply when their health and well being is essential to your own. I think we have a natural inclination to want to share ourselves with someone we love. But I don't think that in itself is the definition. Just thoughts. Coming from someone who also can't share themselves without destroying the perception of myself in others eyes. Guess that's why I like this definition better