Hello, my name is Reimu.
I've written three suicide notes so far, zero attempts made so far. I'm confident that's going to change soon, unfortunately--but in every suicide note I write, "It's not because I'm trans." "Being trans is who I am." "Transitioning is the best decision I've ever made."
I dedicate my first forum post to defending that. I am proud of being trans. I was born trans; I am a woman. Society doesn't see me as one, but I will see myself as one to the grave and beyond. Being in my community, attending Pride, and meeting other trans people makes me feel not as alone. When I experience trans joy the dissociative fog I live in is lifted and I feel alive for a short, brief time. Then I--sadly--plunge back into that despair a day later.
I am not a guy. Let me be clear... I am NOT a guy. I have never been a guy. I will never BE a guy. I hate my male voice, I despise my male parts. I am terrified of my attempt going wrong because I don't want my father to make medical decisions for me. I don't want to work up 20 years later in a male's body because of falling into a coma. I am a woman. I don't want the abusive nurses to take away my hormones or refuse to give them to me and fill me with meds that will never work for me:
"Forcibly hospitalized trans people report a lack of access to gender-affirming care, medication, and resources. Denying trans-affirming healthcare to trans patients often leads to psychological harm, including suicidality."
"A history of involuntary psychiatric hospitalization can be used to deny trans people the ability to give informed consent for trans-affirming surgery or hormones in the future."
If society was more accepting and educated about me, maybe I would still be alive in a year or two. Of course, I can write "society" like I'm Ted Kaczynski all I want, but that's not the only reason I'm going to try and CTB this year. Seriously, though, one hospital I went to the male nurse said within earshot, "So anybody can identify as a woman now, huh?" You can only imagine how that made me feel. "He. He. Sir. Sir. Young man." Someone shoot me. I've seriously thought about doing a DIY orchiectomy these past few years.
God, I get it. IWNBAW. The sad thing is I have a lot more in common with the people that hate me than I'd like to admit. I'm an awful person. I've hurt a lot of people. I'm just as capable of being a bigot as they are. That realization I made recently eats me alive. I cannot live with my past actions. Don't idolize me because I'm trans... maybe just... how about we all treat me like a person? Do I really need a gay man at the hospital (nice guy but I felt tokenized) to comfort me because a bunch of cis people are incapable of empathizing with me? I can't blame them. It's so hypocritical. I've failed to empathize with countless people.
The issue isn't that I'm not on antidepressants. The issue is that I live in a society where modern technology has kept me socially isolated and away from others. I seriously struggle with human connection. I am lonely. I have been lonely for a long time. The few trusted relationships I did have I've fucked over the other person or the other person fucked over me. I feel guilty for all the homeless people I've purposefully looked down upon on the street knowing damn well I am just as capable as ending up in that situation as any of them. How can I claim to detest modern society's lack of humanity, compassion, support, connection, and forgiveness when I am just as capable as withholding it from others as the cis white guy from the Texas suburbs that draws me looking like a troonjak after I die?
I can't keep up in society anymore. I can no longer function. Everything overwhelms me in this day and age--even simple tasks. Getting out of bed has become a challenge in the morning. The deepest, most vile, scariest parts of myself came out several times in public these last few months. Everyone knows who I really am deep down. I hate that. I'm going to end up as that one offensive caricature of a trans woman dangling from a rope this year (you know the one). I will never forgive myself. I don't deserve it. Which is ironic because I pray for the day that others can forgive me for all the horrible shit that I've done. I pray for others to forgive me for when I inevitably CTB. I'm trans; but even so, that doesn't prevent me from being a selfish, pitiful asshole.
Anyways, nice to meet you all.
P.S - Need to add that my bloodwork shows my levels consistently in cis female range so that's a non-issue too.
