Transgender Support Megathread

[Myforevercharlie]

This is a Megathread where members who are or suspect they are transgender can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

 

[bloberta]

vent time. it makes me sad to think about how i will most likely kill myself before i actually transition. im on hrt but only im out to some people online. to everyone else im just a weird guy and that hurts me more and more every day. im hiding myself from everyone but im too scared to be myself to the point that i want to end my own life. its pathetic and i hate myself for that. but even if i was out to everyone, i still dont look like a woman. not even close. i would just be a freak. i wish i realised i was trans earlier. i always hated being a boy and wanted to be a girl but i was too dumb to consider that i might be trans. i hated myself so much as i was masculising through puberty. i just wish i had a safe place to explore myself back then. i wish being trans wasnt seen as being weird and gross by the majority of people and was more accepted so maybe i could have considered being trans earlier. i wish my parents didnt treat me like shit throughout my teen years so i wasn't too depressed and dissociated to think about why i hated myself so much. i hate this existence so much and i dont know what to do. it's unbearable. i could have been happy. i could have been a person but instead im just broken.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

vent time. it makes me sad to think about how i will most likely kill myself before i actually transition. im on hrt but only im out to some people online. to everyone else im just a weird guy and that hurts me more and more every day. im hiding myself from everyone but im too scared to be myself to the point that i want to end my own life. its pathetic and i hate myself for that. but even if i was out to everyone, i still dont look like a woman. not even close. i would just be a freak. i wish i realised i was trans earlier. i always hated being a boy and wanted to be a girl but i was too dumb to consider that i might be trans. i hated myself so much as i was masculising through puberty. i just wish i had a safe place to explore myself back then. i wish being trans wasnt seen as being weird and gross by the majority of people and was more accepted so maybe i could have considered being trans earlier. i wish my parents didnt treat me like shit throughout my teen years so i wasn't too depressed and dissociated to think about why i hated myself so much. i hate this existence so much and i dont know what to do. it's unbearable. i could have been happy. i could have been a person but instead im just broken.

I don't think it's pathetic to be incredibly scared of openly being yourself. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do. You can lose friends and family, and get discriminated against and harassed for being openly trans. It's horrendous so many people see us as freaks just for wanting to be ourselves, and that pain is immense and never truly goes away.

As a trans person who has been out and transitioned for years now, I can say my experience has been a mixed bag. I've had some people be incredibly kind and accepting right off the bat and make me feel loved for who I was, and I've lost many people I thought would be with me for a long time and faced a lot of people's bullshit. Co-workers, family, and friends have been on either side of that. I don't regret transitioning or coming out one bit, but it has been hard. It's taken forever, but I can finally look at myself in the mirror and think I'm cute, something teenaged me would've never have thought possible.

Being openly trans demands a lot of strength from a person, who is already hurting and scared, and it's incredibly unfair. I still remember being a little kid just dreaming of becoming a princess and wanting to wear dresses and be seen as a sister and a daughter, and so so much pain has come from such an innocent wish.

I hope you are able to summon the strength to be yourself even if it's only right before your death.

So from one suicidal trans woman to another, best of luck.

 

[Unending]

I've kind of just going about life as if I'm not even trans for quite some time, sort of trying to blend in as a cis person but it really sucks and is very depressing/upsetting. I started hrt before I turned 20 and got a minor surgery last year but still feel like a man. I mean, I guess it's probably because I still get called sir and him every time someone in public addresses me so obviously strangers don't think I look like a woman. I really would prefer if I pass because I already have an anxiety disorder/ptsd which makes being around people hard initially and this issue of not passing makes me feel unsafe or like an easy target in public.

Even though I've been transitioning for years, I still get the idea that I don't register to others as a trans woman or a cis woman, but some weird, awkward, feminine, scarred-armed gay guy.

I fucking hate it like you wouldn't believe how people just trivialize the suffering of it as well. I know it's hard for people to conceptualize why it is so painful and depressing to feel like you're stuck in the wrong body but there's no need to talk like I'm some "snow-flake" or whatever stupid term like that. The same people who go around calling others snowflakes for wanting to be treated normally and not like a freak, will generally get super offended over things that are way easier to trivialize in my opinion. Anyway, whatever. Fuck it all..

 

[leloyon]

It feels terrible, knowing it never began. Knowing that any of this is just a cope. Why transition at this point? I've already lived most of my life, and every other phase of life, as a male. Why bother transitioning when I can't undo the past? I never got to live life as an average girl, and no amount of hormones or surgery will change that.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I hate going through life seeing average/attractive people of the sex i wish i was touting and demonstrating body positivity knowing they never were in a bad body.

 

[axxxu]

I've just accepted the fact that I'll never live as myself.
Please don't try to give me advice or alternatives, I've already thought of everything and researched as much as I could, with how my life is now I'll never be able to transition, socially or physically. Though at the same time I'm afraid of transition because I know I'll never pass, everytime I look in the mirror I realize no matter how much I try I'll just end up looking half done. What can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have to come to terms with the fact I'll die like this. I have no friends, my parents hate queer people, I have nowhere to run to. This world hates people like me, if people found out what would they do?

between all of these things I guess it's just best to realize the fact that I'll die like this. Nobody will remember me as who I am, nobody will know me, nobody would even bother to find out more.

right now I'm neglecting my physical and mental health so much I don't want to care for a body that gives me so much pain, what's the point? But in doing that people just think I'm a freak.

I don't have any more words left. This is my life now.

 

[KrowaKovsky]

I wish I could express myself in trans "safe spaces," but then I get ridiculed for being trans masc or hell, not being fully male presenting. I get why people hate men, but what did I do? Why is it my fault for wanting to be myself? Why can't I use any pronouns or be slightly feminine in any way without being invalidated because I'm not 100% masculine?

It's so lonely not really feeling like I can talk to anyone without getting invalidated or bullied out of what is supposed to be a safe place.

 

[Octavia]

I feel like failing to prevent my first puberty is something that I would never forgive myself for. I can pass okay thanks to almost 2 years of HRT and my asian genes, yet I cannot help but wonder how things could have been if I had managed to be myself just 5 years earlier and prevented the worst damages from testosterone, or if I had loving parents. Maybe that I wouldn't have been so socially withdrawn and depressed, I envy people who lead a joyful life but I always have the feeling that it is something that is not intended for me. I just cannot picture myself being truly happy unless that I got a lobotomy, and even then whether I am actually happy or not would be debatable.

Although I know that I'll be dying soon, I am glad that I somehow survived my first retirement attempt (pre-HRT) and made it this far. I'm still going to be dead, but at least I can die as myself and look presentable while doing so. I do have to admit that I feel somewhat guilty about wanting to die given that my situation, while not ideal, is much better than what the majority of other trans people have to deal with. To think that the miracle solution to nearly all my problems was contained within a tiny green pill just a prescription away…

 

[FinalBossu]

I'm not transgender so I apologize if my advice is completely useless. Whenever I'm having issues with body image, I kinda just pretend that I'm some sort of interdimensional, shapeshifting, cosmic being that's temporarily trapped in the form of a human. I even made an OC as a way of representing myself. I know that might sound really lame and cringey, but I feel like it helped me learn to love myself.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

I do have to admit that I feel somewhat guilty about wanting to die given that my situation, while not ideal, is much better than what the majority of other trans people have to deal with.

i definitely feel this. im at a point where i pass pretty ok, but im still suicidal for other reasons. and i feel guilty because of it. i feel kind of obliged to stay alive because of how far ive come in my transition.

I'm not transgender so I apologize if my advice is completely useless. Whenever I'm having issues with body image, I kinda just pretend that I'm some sort of interdimensional, shapeshifting, cosmic being that's temporarily trapped in the form of a human. I even made an OC as a way of representing myself. I know that might sound really lame and cringey, but I feel like it helped me learn to love myself.

i dont think that's lame or cringey. any coping mechanism is a valid one. ive always yearned to just be an amorphous blob or an orb of light instead of having a physical human form. ive never been able to picture it and use it as a distraction tho, im always reminded of my body somehow and it drags me back to reality.

 

[WaitingToGo]

i definitely feel this. im at a point where i pass pretty ok, but im still suicidal for other reasons. and i feel guilty because of it. i feel kind of obliged to stay alive because of how far ive come in my transition.

i dont think that's lame or cringey. any coping mechanism is a valid one. ive always yearned to just be an amorphous blob or an orb of light instead of having a physical human form. ive never been able to picture it and use it as a distraction tho, im always reminded of my body somehow and it drags me back to reality.

Yes I'm the same, I pass 100% and have done for over 30 years, but yet I can't face the future since my partner died and now to add to my depression my new job is literally killing me with stress. I'm going to have to quit or I'll have a stroke or heart attack. (Save me using my Fentanyl I suppose). I barely sleep and dread going to bed. I'm grateful I don't have transition issues as well.

 

[shutupanddrive]

im trans ftm but i present fem because i've given up on caring what people think a man should look like and even if i get misgendered it doesnt rlly bother me anymore at least im happy. i was at my lowest when i used to buy masc clothes and they didnt look how i wanted them to and still got called she/her pronouns. it didnt help that my parents werent supportive at all and that made me rlly angry and sad and i wanted to die. i still want to die even now but not as much as back then. i cant help but imagine how much easier it would be to just be born a guy i dont wanna be a trans guy if that makes sense because people hate me for no reason and i have bad dysphoria but im glad i have a supportive bf who makes sure to validate me even when i dont ask. it still sucks that my parents dont support me.but they still tell me to go to them if i have any problems. hell they r the last people i will ever go to if i have a problem. they have given me lectures about why i cant be trans, wanted me to wear a dress to prom instead of a suit so i ended up not going and it just fucking sucks. why cant i be who i want to be? i strongly believe that if ur not gonna support ur child for who they become in the future u should not have children at all. no matter of ur culture, religion and all that bc ur child is not a puppet u cannot control who they are u will just make their life hell. my mum cried when she saw my scars and other times when i tried to harm myself but it just disturbs me that she only cares when she sees the impact of her words. im still severely mentally ill but its definetely got better. just a note for u beautiful ppl out there ur not any less of a guy/girl/non-binary person or whatever gender u are if u choose not to get surgery or present a certain way. just do what makes u happy

 

[sannoji]

god i just wish that my body felt like my own. the amount of dissociation i have helps some days and makes it worse on other days. sometimes i feel like even hrt and surgeries and things won't fix it because i need to have been born amab because i truly feel that's how i was supposed to be. and i don't know, getting top surgery would definitely help. going on T would definitely help too. but i'm just always struck by the fact that i can never have the life of a cis man. i will never have lived my childhood that way even if i can live my adulthood the way i want. it just sucks so much and i truly do just get so mad that i'm trans because it's only compounded on the trauma i've suffered over the years. there are good parts which i try not to forget but i just feel like my life would be easier, even just a little bit, if i was just born a cis man. i feel like it wouldnt suck so bad.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

Trans healthcare in my country sucks. I've been waiting YEARS for HRT, I just want my tiddie skittles god damn it. I'll CTB before I even get it, life saving medication - yet I'm going to die before I ever get it or it'll get fucking banned and transgender people will just get the same BS with suicide prevention, we already have life-saving treatment but everyone cares about politics and religion over trans lives.

This life I'm living was fucking doomed from the start, I'm happy how this bloodline will probably die with me at the very least I can save another kid from living a life as a mentally ill trans person, it's fucking hell out here. Everyone is so ignorant of my condition, maybe it'll change when I die but I'll be honest - I'll have my deadname on my grave. Fuck this world.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Jealousy still consumes me. Sex talk, sexuality talk and body positivity from the sex I wish I was just fucking depresses me. I hate being a guy so much. I'd rather just chug my sn than live with the fact that I was born male.

 

[howl pendragon]

I'll have my deadname on my grave.

 

[lessthanperfect]

Hello. I was invited here by the kind soul who posted two before me (@BornTheWrongSex).

I'm closeted and it's extremely hard waking up every day happy and then opening my eyes to existential dread. It's hard enough being autistic and having ADHD but being trans is just so, so much worse. Not only do I hate my mind and the fact that I don't fit in socially, I hate my body and how I look and wish more than anything that I was born AMAB.

It's really painful that I know I would be killing life if I was AMAB because I would be sporty as fuck, have joined the military straight out of high school, been easily supported for being neurodivergent in the elementary/middle/high/etc. school system and in life (because institutional/systemic sexism is so wonderful), would probably think gay jokes were funny and be transphobic as hell from growing up in Texas, and would love myself so much more because I wouldn't have disgusting weights of filth hanging from my chest and fucking long hair that gets in the way of everything and sexism in everything I do that isn't even against me in the right way because I'm not even a woman but because I was born AFAB I've wanted to die since elementary school.

Nothing against trans women for not experiencing the thing I would've loved in a negative way; everything against transphobes and sexists for making all of our lives miserable.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Hello. I was invited here by the kind soul who posted two before me (@BornTheWrongSex).

I'm closeted and it's extremely hard waking up every day happy and then opening my eyes to existential dread. It's hard enough being autistic and having ADHD but being trans is just so, so much worse. Not only do I hate my mind and the fact that I don't fit in socially, I hate my body and how I look and wish more than anything that I was born AMAB.

It's really painful that I know I would be killing life if I was AMAB because I would be sporty as fuck, have joined the military straight out of high school, been easily supported for being neurodivergent in the elementary/middle/high/etc. school system and in life (because institutional/systemic sexism is so wonderful), would probably think gay jokes were funny and be transphobic as hell from growing up in Texas, and would love myself so much more because I wouldn't have disgusting weights of filth hanging from my chest and fucking long hair that gets in the way of everything and sexism in everything I do that isn't even against me in the right way because I'm not even a woman but because I was born AFAB I've wanted to die since elementary school.

Nothing against trans women for not experiencing the thing I would've loved in a negative way; everything against transphobes and sexists for making all of our lives miserable.

I am sorry. For what it is worth, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat so we'd both be happy.

 

[AppleTreeDog]

Started T four weeks ago but it gives me menstrual-like painful cramps. Sometimes super painful, sometimes mild/medium pain but almost constant. Dysphoric as FUCK. And of course my doctor says "uh I dunno never heard of that, it's probably unrelated" yeah sure clearly I have no idea about what's going on in my own body, of course the painful cramps I've not experienced in a literal decade (since getting an IUD) that suddenly came back within 1 hour of my T shot, are unrelated to the shot. You know best cis male doctor man

 

[Linda]

It feels terrible, knowing it never began. Knowing that any of this is just a cope. Why transition at this point? I've already lived most of my life, and every other phase of life, as a male. Why bother transitioning when I can't undo the past? I never got to live life as an average girl, and no amount of hormones or surgery will change that.

Don't give up. I know a trans woman who transitioned at age 62 (after making a few small steps beginning about 15 years earlier than that). So far as I can tell she made a success of it and is happy. I have read of even older people transitioning (though I have never met any of them).

 

[cgrtt.brns]

Started T four weeks ago but it gives me menstrual-like painful cramps. Sometimes super painful, sometimes mild/medium pain but almost constant. Dysphoric as FUCK. And of course my doctor says "uh I dunno never heard of that, it's probably unrelated" yeah sure clearly I have no idea about what's going on in my own body, of course the painful cramps I've not experienced in a literal decade (since getting an IUD) that suddenly came back within 1 hour of my T shot, are unrelated to the shot. You know best cis male doctor man

ur doctors a cunt >:( i hope u can find someone competent. if your doctor isnt specialised in treating trans patients, i would recommend finding one who is if its available to you. apologies if you've already searched online for causes, but i quickly google searched "painful cramps after starting testosterone ftm" and it seems reasonably common. unfortunately i dont have any advice as i havent experienced cramps since starting t, but i really hope you can get some answers, or at least find ways to handle the pain <3 i also feel u about the dysphoria, the first few months can be rough but also exciting in ways. congrats on starting t anyway! if you have any other questions about t ive been on it for over 3 years and id be more than happy to help u :)

 

[kunikuzushi]

Does anyone have something similar to this? I feel double trans (that's the only way I can describe it). I was assigned female at birth, but feel like I was born a boy with the wrong body, but my whole life has been spent trying so desperately to pass as a woman. I feel too masculine, personality and physical appearance. When I wear feminine clothes that I love, I feel miserable because I feel like it emphasizes that I'm a cis man. But I'm not. But simultaneously I feel extreme body dysphoria and want to kill myself because of my genitalia. I'm so miserable that I have this body, but I also don't feel like a man. I just identify as nonbinary/agender because I'm so fucked

 

[borderline-feline]

I'm getting sick of how many people (even here) try to politicize the existence of trans people. I've repeatedly been harassed on my own threads and told that I should be posting in the political section of off-topic. I just wanna be left alone, but there are all kinds of cunts out there who just want to make people miserable for no reason.

 

[howl pendragon]

I'm sorry for this, @borderline-feline

It does seems that way. Not even in a fucking suicide forum we get to vent about our shitty messed up existence.

 

[Unending]

I'm getting sick of how many people (even here) try to politicize the existence of trans people. I've repeatedly been harassed on my own threads and told that I should be posting in the political section of off-topic. I just wanna be left alone, but there are all kinds of cunts out there who just want to make people miserable for no reason.

Yeah, I hate how effing wrapped up in politics we are... Literally being discussed by uneducated assholes who think they know best for us despite never having met a trans person or doing proper research concerning our situation. Isn't it just splendid when the state takes away your rights and autonomy for such preposterous reasons?

Here's the worst part: Someone we've never met ends up making decisions for these anti trans bills which will in turn harm trans people psychologically causing suicidality when they can't get hormones, Then if this hypoothetical trans person decide that they want to act on these suicidal feelings since their life is such torture, legislation will do everything it can to confine them to suffering, also under the guise of caring about their well being. If they are able to succeed in a suicide attempt regardless of suicide prevention bullshit, then the people passing these laws will never have to mourn them and will not give a single fuck while their friends and family will be the ones to suffer, all because of something that is in this case preventable...

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Checking in to say yesterday was rough. I drove by a woman jogging. She is in great shape and i thought to myself "How nice it would be to have a body i could care about".

I am male and close to 400 lbs so i will never work on my body, at least not for myself. These attractive cis women don't know how nice they have it.

 

[leftdreaming]

Society will never see me the way I see me. I manage to convince myself that I am a man then someone says my name or shows me a photo of myself and I am forced to remember. I wish nobody ever had to look at me and that I never had to have mirrors. I don't fit who I am. I don't fit who I should be. I am neither trans nor cis and I'm stuck in the middle and I know I'm never leaving. I will die before I ever find happiness. I will fie having never been myself.

 

[Hantengu]

my english isnt good
im from jamaica ,18, mle, im not transgender but im gay, i like somewhat feminine guys and also transgendered people but i cant actually date anyone of that sort because people here hate it if you are a guy that dates another guy basically almost everyone is a transphobe or homophobe i wish i could meat someone and leave this country im doing my best at school to get good subjects and get a job so i can leave but im not that good with school work i really want to leave but i might ctb before then hopefully i find someone. :)

 

[gizzreid]

being trans in america is so scary (as is many other countries of course). we are literally one of the only topics in today's political climate. i hate it. my entire existence is a debate to this country, i am not a being, i am just a concept. i've been called a pedo so many fucking times and i'm not even 20 yet, i'm simply a pedo because i came out as trans at 13 (obviously that means i was groomed /s) and was actually correct about it. HRT hasn't even been working so i'm doomed to be misgendered for life, one of the top reasons i will CTB! it's just not worth it. i'm not gonna sit here and watch myself and my community be murdered. i'm out bro