NoLightRemains
I found my light again. Namu Amida Butsu
- Sep 26, 2021
- 374
Have you considered DIY hormones? Waiting for years for hrt is just tragic. Not saying hrt is magic and fixes things, but it might take the sting off a bit.
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Hey Guest,
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NoLoveNoHope
Mage
- Mar 25, 2023
- 554
I have considered it, I'm planning on CTBing soonish so I probably would never get on HRT besides I have poor motivation to research it and find sources etc.
axxxu
Member
- Apr 8, 2023
- 69
I saw a comment on a post where a trans person commented "they bullied me because I was trans" (the post was asking why bullying victims were bullied) I kid you not there were hundreds of comments saying things like "deserved", "W bullies", "I would bully you too", "it's your fault you made that choice", "god hates disgusting things like you" etc. On and on, I don't know how after reading all that I'd ever think people where 'accepting', i already knew most people weren't. I guess I shouldn't look towards the internet for these things, but when I've seen headlines on the news in my area that children get beat up for being trans or that ad of a man and his 8 year old son holding out a sign to "keep wokeness out of schools" I'm only pushed further into ctb. I don't ever want to live as myself, so many reasons I hate myself and on top of everything I had to be born this way. I didn't have to be this way, I wish I could get rid of it.
Man I'm so fucking sad. I came out to my parents today and it went like this:
Dad: "So… Are you a gay boy or a normal girl?"
Me: "I-I wanna be a boy. I also like men.."
Dad: "Well I wanna live to be a million."
Me: "hah.. *Weak laugh*"
Dad: "I wanna sing like Halsey but this doesn't mean it's gonna happen."
Me: "…"
And I was silent the rest of the ride home. I already almost drowned myself in the bath this morning and they're not making it any easier to want to live. I just wanna be a fucking boy.
cgrtt.brns
wandering ghost (he/him)
- Apr 19, 2023
- 841
im so sorry you had to go through that, how are you feeling now? sending you hugs if you need them <3
i'm still feeling like CTBing, but the support from other like minded people makes the pain easier to deal with <3
cgrtt.brns
wandering ghost (he/him)
- Apr 19, 2023
- 841
thats awesome to hear you've found something that helps, i definitely think finding others who can relate to you or that you can relate to is a great way to cope. theres always lovely people on this forum, i owe a lot to them myself :)
DeathSleep
Unstable Potato
- May 25, 2023
- 159
Mini-vent: my mom never accepted me as trans when I came out. It's been years and at this point she doesn't even know who I am. I'm sure she still talks about me with the wrong name and pronouns. If she talks about me at all. But we don't speak anymore. There's been other reasons why as well. I recently reached out and she shut me down. I guess that's closure tho. Don't have to worry about her being sad when I die anymore because we're done apparently.
girlboything
drugged up doll
- Jun 1, 2023
- 56
hey. im a nonbinary trans boy and i dont take t, i dont intend to, and i usually dress super femme. if you want to talk feel free to dm me.
Vent: Any rare moment when I feel in line with who I should be, it makes a world of difference for my quality of life. It feels like I'm actually normal for a moment and then before I know it, I'm back to feeling like my body is a prison. Maybe it will be seeing myself from a pleasant angle in the mirror while my hair is done a certain way or maybe it will be an outfit that I wear, but it is always something that accentuates my appearance rather than my appearance itself.
It is so utterly crushing to feel like the only difference between being in a prison body or a normal one is whether or not I am wearing the exact perfect fitting outfit or have my hair done just perfectly. I just wish that hormones would have worked for me and allowed me to transition over smoothly but that isn't the case. I can't wait till I'm free of this burden, however long that may be. There is nothing to be said that hasn't lost its meaning at this point. I can say that life is cruel but it seriously means nothing in the face of the psychological devastation that I will face for years to come.
The one word that hasn't lost its meaning yet is torture, but even that word will lose its meaning at some point. This really is torture.
It is so utterly crushing to feel like the only difference between being in a prison body or a normal one is whether or not I am wearing the exact perfect fitting outfit or have my hair done just perfectly. I just wish that hormones would have worked for me and allowed me to transition over smoothly but that isn't the case. I can't wait till I'm free of this burden, however long that may be. There is nothing to be said that hasn't lost its meaning at this point. I can say that life is cruel but it seriously means nothing in the face of the psychological devastation that I will face for years to come.
The one word that hasn't lost its meaning yet is torture, but even that word will lose its meaning at some point. This really is torture.
LifeHasNoMeaning
just looking for a way out (xe/they)
- Jun 11, 2023
- 16
welp. im gonna vent a bit, so feel free not to read.
life sucks ass. its obvious it does, but it sucks even more ass when youre trans. every single time i feel euphoric, i do something to make me feel dysphoric. i hate it. it doesnt help that my dysphoria gets really bad when i do experience it.
plus, there are rumors of trans genocide. as if our lives werent shitty enough, transphobes are deciding they want to kill us.
i genuinely hate this world. hoping to ctb soon, but since im an utter failure, its probably not gonna work. you know youre useless when even death itself doesnt want you.
life sucks ass. its obvious it does, but it sucks even more ass when youre trans. every single time i feel euphoric, i do something to make me feel dysphoric. i hate it. it doesnt help that my dysphoria gets really bad when i do experience it.
plus, there are rumors of trans genocide. as if our lives werent shitty enough, transphobes are deciding they want to kill us.
i genuinely hate this world. hoping to ctb soon, but since im an utter failure, its probably not gonna work. you know youre useless when even death itself doesnt want you.
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irie
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- Mar 10, 2023
- 98
i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do in my situation. i live in a heavily red state, where every single member of my family that i know is openly christian/conservative/transphobic spare one. i desperately want to start my transition (not being able to is one of the reasons i want to ctb atm) but have no idea how. i'm looking at trying diy but i really don't want to get outed/out myself until i can move out as the consequences of that would be pretty dire. i feel trapped in this situation and i want out, and it feels like i'm going to end up ctb before anything can change
cgrtt.brns
wandering ghost (he/him)
- Apr 19, 2023
- 841
im so sorry youre in that situation. do you know when youll be able to move out/is there any way you can move out sooner? i really hope you manage to escape to a safer place. in the meantime the only thing i can think to do would be to let urself be who u are in private, and maybe finding some other trans ppl near u or online that u can confide in. its awful being surrounded by people who wont let u be who u are, im so sorry.
irie
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- Mar 10, 2023
- 98
i'm lucky enough to have a partner that lives near me so with the both of us trying i'll probably get out eventually. the biggest challenge is ascertaining a stable source of income (i am severely depressed and barely functional so it's very difficult to hold a job) but when i'm able to do anything about that things should get a lot easier. thank you for replying :) luckily i can safely come out to my friends and they're all accepting of it
cgrtt.brns
wandering ghost (he/him)
- Apr 19, 2023
- 841
having accepting friends is so important, thats great to hear you have some. i can definitely relate to the difficulty of getting a job while depressed. i wish you all the best, i hope things get better for u soon and that u can hold on until then.
My friends keep telling me to wear a bikini to go swimming. It's so dysphoria inducing because it makes me think that they've never seen me as a man to begin with. I'll be two weeks on T on Tuesday. I had to wait 1,5 years to start because of gatekeeping. I'm tired.
I really want to ctb. Currently in trans group therapy. So I'd risk not getting my indication for surgery because of that if I were to fail. I can't continue on yet I can't risk catching the bus because if I fail my life will be even more hellish. A fellow trans men who I'm in therapy with asked me in what direction I'm transitioning. We've had two meetings already. So that means I don't even look like a man. I'm doing all I can tho. I really hate this. I want to ctb so bad. Currently trying not to cry. So sorry for the long ass rant. I don't deserve y'alls attention anyways. I'm so exhausted.
I really want to ctb. Currently in trans group therapy. So I'd risk not getting my indication for surgery because of that if I were to fail. I can't continue on yet I can't risk catching the bus because if I fail my life will be even more hellish. A fellow trans men who I'm in therapy with asked me in what direction I'm transitioning. We've had two meetings already. So that means I don't even look like a man. I'm doing all I can tho. I really hate this. I want to ctb so bad. Currently trying not to cry. So sorry for the long ass rant. I don't deserve y'alls attention anyways. I'm so exhausted.
I hate facial hair, I hate how I still have it and have to shave it every 2 days, it's a sensory nightmare hell I hate it, it's one of the things driving me to suicide
I'm also so lonely, everyone leaves me except for one person, and it's so so so so shitty, even though I don't completely hate my body I'm not doing anything with it, I should be working out, I should be fucking people and being useful but I'm just girlrotting in my girlroom being a neet and dealing with internalized ableism about my autism and adhd and depression.
I broke today, I smoked I drank I did poppers, I went full electrochemistry and I feel bad.
I'm also so lonely, everyone leaves me except for one person, and it's so so so so shitty, even though I don't completely hate my body I'm not doing anything with it, I should be working out, I should be fucking people and being useful but I'm just girlrotting in my girlroom being a neet and dealing with internalized ableism about my autism and adhd and depression.
I broke today, I smoked I drank I did poppers, I went full electrochemistry and I feel bad.
Eudaimonic
I want to fade away.
- Aug 11, 2023
- 308
front of me
Experienced
- Aug 3, 2023
- 289
I really wanted to be a female, but estrogen is banned in my country
Im a trans woman, living in the UK. I transitioned few years ago and Im mostly finished, but I ran out of money. Living on TERF island and the transphobia is the main reason I feel death is my best option.
DeathSleep
Unstable Potato
- May 25, 2023
- 159
I wish the world was kinder towards trans people.
lucyna
barely active / recovering
- Aug 22, 2023
- 53
i feel so fucking used by a guy i hung out with, he was extremely affective towards me but after i got the flu from him and couldn't control my voice and had some hair on my thighs due to not shaving for a day he didn't show me any affection at all for 2 days. now he barely talks to me and i'm waiting for a text of him saying that he doesn't want anything to do with me. at first he held my hand, tickled my thighs and kissed me in public with his friends nearby and then just nothing. i got so dysphoric because i was couching a lot and couldn't control my pitch and told him that i hate it and feel so dysphoric but he just ignored me, it was an extremely vulnerable and horrible day for me and the fact that he didn't do anything to comfort me made me feel like shit. i got to feel like a normal girl for 3 days and then i was seen as just a freak again. i feel fucking dumb for giving him multiple blowjobs just to get ignored in the end, i guess he got what he wanted and decided that he doesn't need me anymore. i will always be a fucking freak, i'm pretty confident that i will never find love in this world. i feel like i lost all hope, this situation kills me inside, not that there's much life left. i hate how normal i felt for a while because now being in the same situation i was in before feels so much worse. i truly believed that i wasn't a freak in his eyes.
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wiinterfrost
it only gets worse..
- Oct 8, 2023
- 116
ugh i am so sorry. i know you wrote this a while ago but i just came to this thread to check it out for me. that guy really sucks and you deserve to feel like the girl you are.
new post, talking about myself here, not related to the reply i was giving! (still getting the hang of this forum and its format):
i thought medically transitioning might make my life better, but all it did was make me 10,000euros poorer with very ugly lopsided results. i lost my singing voice (i was a musician!) and i got even hairier, which used to be a huge insecurity of mine. like, i no longer have dysphoria! i just hate the way i look, but not in a *gender* way anymore. i DO feel better in a way. no longer having dysphoria is great. it's one less weight upon my shoulders, i no longer have the agonising pressure of being in a fundamentally wrong body. but sometimes i really resented myself for being trans because i cannot deal with changes to my body and i became "objectively" "uglier" and like my therapist, family and a few friends were quite transphobic. not that i have any friends anymore... idk where i am going with this. sorry for the mess :/
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Seered Doom
A nihilist going through an unrelinquished Hell
- Sep 9, 2023
- 824
I'm a trans guy (FtM) and stuck in pre-transition due to mental health and parents not seeing me as a guy at all. I feel so wrong in a girl's body and everyone constantly calling me she and my deadname because that's all they care to do. They don't give a shit about my personhood or what I want so why do I even bother trying anymore? I feel like I should just suffer
cgrtt.brns
wandering ghost (he/him)
- Apr 19, 2023
- 841
i completely understand what you mean. im glad i transitioned, im way better off than how i was mentally, but i still hate the way i look just because its me and im just not good looking. i never expected transitioning to suddenly make me attractive, but i definitely wasn't prepared for still hating the way i look despite the fact that i look much more like how i feel inside if that makes sense. i think its just general body dysphoria/dysmorphia rather than gender dysphoria at this point.
i too sometimes resent the fact im trans, like i had to go through so much shit to get to where i am and im still not happy, sure its not as bad as it was but its just so much effort i wish i never had to go through it. i feel so guilty about it, like i feel like i should be happy bc not everyone has the chance to transition. i guess i just need to remind myself that transitioning did help with what it was supposed to help with, and my other problems with my appearance are separate and need to be treated differently. idk if any of that made sense sry lol
im sorry to hear you lost your singing voice, i cant imagine how hard that must have been to loose the ability to do smthn you loved. i was never good at singing but especially after starting hormones i cant even get a couple words out without my voice squeaking and breaking horrendously lol. maybe that will get better with time. have you ever thought about trying vocal training to get used to singing with your new voice?
also im so sorry about the people around you being transphobic, its so hard to carry on and stand up for yourself to do the right thing for yourself while everyone around you is telling you you're wrong. sending hugs if thats okay.
wiinterfrost
it only gets worse..
- Oct 8, 2023
- 116
wow thank you for sharing that. i know the feeling of guilt! and it makes sense what you wrote. honestly i did consider vocal training but my anxiety is so bad now that i can't leave the house at all. even brief interactions with the delivery people that deliver my groceries give me near-panic attacks every time. (but i also wouldn't have the money for that now.)
thanks for the words. i actually thought what i wrote must be so embarrassing that i should delete it but i'm glad someone can relate and responded something nice. and thanks for the hugs! sending some back.
ugh i am so sorry. some people just go out of their way to make you feel bad when it comes to being trans. i have had my fair share of that. i hope you get to remove yourself from this situation.
lucyna
barely active / recovering
- Aug 22, 2023
- 53
my dysphoria is killing me and i can't sleep. why was i born like this. i swear this will become the death of me.
SorryForThePain
Afraid to leave her
- Oct 21, 2023
- 3
I spent 20 years of my life moving day in and out aimlessly. Days faded in and out and nothing I did or accomplished filled me with any feeling or emotion. I never had a good concrete identity. But I eventually figured out who I truly was and when I came out as a woman I thought the whole world looked so much brighter. I wanted nothing more than to finally live but then I stopped feeling that way. I realized that even knowing who I truly was and being able to be open about it was amazing. But still didn't fill me with what seemed to always be missing but then I met the love of my life. And things started to look up. But then that started to fade. I mean even when I'm sitting there smiling with her. I can't get the thought out of my head I wasn't meant for this world. I mean she manages to make me want to be a better person in every way and brings out a whole new side of me. And yet that still doesn't help wipe the feeling from my mind that leaving this earth is my one true goal. But before it would have been easy to try and take my life. But now idk I cant hurt her like that. I know the pain she's been through but I feel conflicted between caring for the one person who sees me for who I am and makes me happy and not wanting to leave her and finally seeing what lies beyond life. It doesn't help I feel dysphoric constantly and hate my body to no end. Im more torn than ever now because she makes me feel something towards life. But it also seems to be fighting a battle with the other part of me that tells me my life is destined to end sooner rather than later. Idk I hate feeling like that cause she truly sees me as the real me and cares for me
cgrtt.brns
wandering ghost (he/him)
- Apr 19, 2023
- 841
im sorry you still struggle with si despite things, i can definitely relate to that in some ways. i feel guilty for feeling suicidal despite how well my transition has gone for example, and i feel torn between living as my true self as much as i can or just giving in to my thoughts that i shouldnt be alive. its wonderful to hear you found someone who sees you as you, having someone like that is so important.
feel free to ignore this next bit but i thought id share a mentality thats kind of helped me with this decision, realising and reminding myself that no matter what happens i am going to die one day anyway, whether it be by my own hands or something else, kind of takes that pressure off a little bit and helps me be able to appreciate what i have in life and kind of live for those i love while i still can if that makes sense. sometimes it doesnt work like the times where i just want it all to end right now, but most of the time i just long for my death bc i feel like im not fit for life, and remembering that i will get my death eventually just reassures me in a way. i hope that made sense, and i hope you can eventually find a way to enjoy the good things in your life without that looming desire to ctb. i wish you all the best.
SorryForThePain
Afraid to leave her
- Oct 21, 2023
- 3
I'm not sure where to even begin. Things have improved so much in my life and despite that I'm now the worst I've ever been. Im planning on ctb sometime in the near future and hoping my fiancee doesn't catch on till then. Im finally in a place of my own, making good money at a job where they call me my non dead name and I have my fiancee by my side and yet all we do is fight and all i do is hate my body and life. Like Idk why but I feel so unloved with her despite how much she says she loves me. She just idk. We fight every day sometimes for a minute and sometimes for most of the day. I love her with everything I have but I don't know if we're compatible. I mean we started our estrogen injections recently and we got a good computer for us both but despite that we both feel like shit and today just set me off. All I wanted her to do was hold me while I did nsfw thing and she wanted to scroll twitter. Like I wanted to hold her hand and she pushed me aside. Idk anymore. I think I got my hopes up thinking I could be happy and I realize that now. So I figure now while the snow covers the ground is a better time than now to ctb. I feel bad I'm leaving her but I don't think we were meant to be together. I hope she can move on after me and not take her own life like shes told me she would. I hate the fact I finally got my hopes up. I guess fuck me and this life.
