Transgender Support Megathread

[mango-meridian]

Sorry this is a pretty long post processing/breaking down my current situation.

So a little about me: I'm early in my transition. I only recently started coming out to people close to me in real life, including roommates, friends, potential partners, and my therapist, but no family yet.

I've also started presenting femme more out in public whereas I used to only do it at home.

But recently (the past couple of weeks), I've lost steam with the whole ordeal.

It started with an incident with an epilator. I epilated all my facial hair and beard hair so I wouldn't have beard shadow. I was proud of myself because it was one of the hardest and most painful things I've ever done. Then I read online that you're not supposed to epilate facial/beard hair. It causes subdermal scarring, which in turn makes hair grow more sporadically (making laser/electrolysis less effective down the road) and also creates uneven texture as you age. This sent me into a spiral. I felt so defeated because I thought I'd finally found a decent solution to at least one small part of my transition, only to find out it was a terrible idea entirely and might have permanently damaged my body.

Then, I started thinking down the road. I've never really wanted bottom surgery because I don't have bad bottom dysphoria, and because I dislike and don't trust the medical system, and because the surgery can have so many complications.

As for HRT, I am feeling like I don't want to do it because I hate the idea of being dependent on pharmaceutical companies for something so personal to my wellbeing. And I don't like the complications that can come with it. I wish there were some natural supplement, or some meditation, or some breathing exercise that I could do that would do the same thing as HRT. (It's just a shift in hormones, right?) Yeah I know that's annoying and super granola but it's how I feel.

Then there's hair removal. I'll probably need to do electrolysis or laser if I want it to last. This is the only transition-related permanent body change that I can stomach, but I can't afford it right now and it takes a lot of sessions.

I just wish there was a way to do all of the transition-related things that was natural. But there isn't to my knowledge. If it's out there it's being hidden in a cave somewhere.

Then, after all the thoughts about what I could do naturally/unnaturally, I realized I actually have a lot of days and times where I feel perfectly fine being masculine. Sometimes, my body feels fine the way it is. Or, I think about the way I act (because I'm not doing a lot of feminine mannerisms yet), and it feels fine. Or I hear my voice, and it feels fine, even though I haven't done voice training.

I've been through cycles of this before - cycles of being really committed to transitioning only to then back out and be unsure again. But this time, I've told some people in my life I'm trans. This is definitely the furthest I've gone ever. I have a lot of women's clothes, makeup, accessories, jewelry etc. and don't want to purge it all again.

People are asking for my pronouns. They seem to care about them more than me lol. I have tried telling people any pronouns are fine but they don't seem satisfied. They want a concrete answer!!! (Honestly, I even feel a little bad calling myself a trans woman here on SaSu when I don't have it completely figured out yet. It just feels like the closest thing, so that's what I've gone with so far.)

So I don't feel like I even want to do a lot of the transition-related things, mostly because of lack of trust in the medical system and the side effects/ramifications. And I also feel fine being masculine a lot of the time. And people are pressuring me to have it figured out. So now I'm thinking I should just say to hell with it all and try to just live as a feminine guy.

I feel like as a feminine guy I could still have a nice style, people would still find me attractive, and I'm also proud of my femininity and feel like it's a positive for everyone around me. I like being gentle, sweet, soft, empathetic, etc. I'm super glad that I will never be a toxic masculine macho person.

Maybe in an ideal world I'd be fine just doing social transition type things. But then that'd put me in some kind of in-between category that I don't want to be put into, especially with huge beard shadow, broad shoulders and a round face. People have suggested I could be non-binary or gender fluid, but I don't want to do either of those either. As much as I want to support people identifying with those categories, for selfish reasons, I feel like the social costs of being in them are too great. I just couldn't handle it.

The path of least resistance appears to be the feminine guy route. And I'm sure future me will get upset at me over this and wonder why I couldn't just stick to the path I was on of being a trans woman. Sigh.

Advice, tips, insights, similar experiences, etc. appreciated.

 

[wren-briar]

Sorry this is a pretty long post processing/breaking down my current situation.

So a little about me: I'm early in my transition. I only recently started coming out to people close to me in real life, including roommates, friends, potential partners, and my therapist, but no family yet.

I've also started presenting femme more out in public whereas I used to only do it at home.

But recently (the past couple of weeks), I've lost steam with the whole ordeal.

It started with an incident with an epilator. I epilated all my facial hair and beard hair so I wouldn't have beard shadow. I was proud of myself because it was one of the hardest and most painful things I've ever done. Then I read online that you're not supposed to epilate facial/beard hair. It causes subdermal scarring, which in turn makes hair grow more sporadically (making laser/electrolysis less effective down the road) and also creates uneven texture as you age. This sent me into a spiral. I felt so defeated because I thought I'd finally found a decent solution to at least one small part of my transition, only to find out it was a terrible idea entirely and might have permanently damaged my body.

Then, I started thinking down the road. I've never really wanted bottom surgery because I don't have bad bottom dysphoria, and because I dislike and don't trust the medical system, and because the surgery can have so many complications.

As for HRT, I am feeling like I don't want to do it because I hate the idea of being dependent on pharmaceutical companies for something so personal to my wellbeing. And I don't like the complications that can come with it. I wish there were some natural supplement, or some meditation, or some breathing exercise that I could do that would do the same thing as HRT. (It's just a shift in hormones, right?) Yeah I know that's annoying and super granola but it's how I feel.

Then there's hair removal. I'll probably need to do electrolysis or laser if I want it to last. This is the only transition-related permanent body change that I can stomach, but I can't afford it right now and it takes a lot of sessions.

I just wish there was a way to do all of the transition-related things that was natural. But there isn't to my knowledge. If it's out there it's being hidden in a cave somewhere.

Then, after all the thoughts about what I could do naturally/unnaturally, I realized I actually have a lot of days and times where I feel perfectly fine being masculine. Sometimes, my body feels fine the way it is. Or, I think about the way I act (because I'm not doing a lot of feminine mannerisms yet), and it feels fine. Or I hear my voice, and it feels fine, even though I haven't done voice training.

I've been through cycles of this before - cycles of being really committed to transitioning only to then back out and be unsure again. But this time, I've told some people in my life I'm trans. This is definitely the furthest I've gone ever. I have a lot of women's clothes, makeup, accessories, jewelry etc. and don't want to purge it all again.

People are asking for my pronouns. They seem to care about them more than me lol. I have tried telling people any pronouns are fine but they don't seem satisfied. They want a concrete answer!!! (Honestly, I even feel a little bad calling myself a trans woman here on SaSu when I don't have it completely figured out yet. It just feels like the closest thing, so that's what I've gone with so far.)

So I don't feel like I even want to do a lot of the transition-related things, mostly because of lack of trust in the medical system and the side effects/ramifications. And I also feel fine being masculine a lot of the time. And people are pressuring me to have it figured out. So now I'm thinking I should just say to hell with it all and try to just live as a feminine guy.

I feel like as a feminine guy I could still have a nice style, people would still find me attractive, and I'm also proud of my femininity and feel like it's a positive for everyone around me. I like being gentle, sweet, soft, empathetic, etc. I'm super glad that I will never be a toxic masculine macho person.

Maybe in an ideal world I'd be fine just doing social transition type things. But then that'd put me in some kind of in-between category that I don't want to be put into, especially with huge beard shadow, broad shoulders and a round face. People have suggested I could be non-binary or gender fluid, but I don't want to do either of those either. As much as I want to support people identifying with those categories, for selfish reasons, I feel like the social costs of being in them are too great. I just couldn't handle it.

The path of least resistance appears to be the feminine guy route. And I'm sure future me will get upset at me over this and wonder why I couldn't just stick to the path I was on of being a trans woman. Sigh.

Advice, tips, insights, similar experiences, etc. appreciated.

I recently met someone and your self-description sounds so much like a "baby" version of this person.

I'm initially going to use they/them/gender nonspecific terms to refer to this person.

I'm old enough to predate all the current discussion about "transgenders". Heck, it was several years after I transitioned that I first heard the phrases AMAB & AFAB, and several years after that when I first heard the phrases trans-feminine and trans-masculine. I was also in high school when AIDS initially hit.

I mention that because the single best word to describe this person is dated (as is other words I'll use) but I don't know of a better word than "flamboyant" for this person.

Almost every time I saw this person, they were wearing cut-off jeans that weren't quite (by maybe a couple inches) "daisy dukes", along with pink, female-styled t-shirts (often with gltter words and phrases), was always clean shaven, had a masculine voice (albeit, not super deep), and very feminine mannerisms.

They use their birth name, which is an indisputably biblically masculine name and everyone else used male pronouns for them.

To me, this person read as either a strangely closeted but proud gay man (they didn't bring up pronouns, nor mention gender of partners, etc.) or a pre-transition trans-women.

Some part of me read them more as the later, and rather unconsciously I started using female pronouns. (Interestingly, despite everyone else using male pronouns, not a single person reacted --in any way at all-- to my use of female pronouns for this person, i.e. it was honestly as if this person completely transcended pronouns.)

I finally made a point of directly asking (when no one else was around) what pronouns they preferred, and before they answered, I also confessed to having used female pronouns despite never hearing a single other person using them. OMG, she f'ing lit up with joy!

Long story short, she was born intersex, so she'd been dealing with gender incongruence her whole life. She said, at this point, she was actually really comfortable with her body, and while she much preferred female pronouns, she understood that she fits more neatly into society's idea of a flamboyant gay man, and so she had long ago made peace with male pronouns.

Despite all her gender ambiguities, she completely and confidently embodies the "I'm just me and I'll still be me regardless of what box you think I fit in" identity.

 

[mango-meridian]

I recently met someone and your self-description sounds so much like a "baby" version of this person.

I'm initially going to use they/them/gender nonspecific terms to refer to this person.

I'm old enough to predate all the current discussion about "transgenders". Heck, it was several years after I transitioned that I first heard the phrases AMAB & AFAB, and several years after that when I first heard the phrases trans-feminine and trans-masculine. I was also in high school when AIDS initially hit.

I mention that because the single best word to describe this person is dated (as is other words I'll use) but I don't know of a better word than "flamboyant" for this person.

Almost every time I saw this person, they were wearing cut-off jeans that weren't quite (by maybe a couple inches) "daisy dukes", along with pink, female-styled t-shirts (often with gltter words and phrases), was always clean shaven, had a masculine voice (albeit, not super deep), and very feminine mannerisms.

They use their birth name, which is an indisputably biblically masculine name and everyone else used male pronouns for them.

To me, this person read as either a strangely closeted but proud gay man (they didn't bring up pronouns, nor mention gender of partners, etc.) or a pre-transition trans-women.

Some part of me read them more as the later, and rather unconsciously I started using female pronouns. (Interestingly, despite everyone else using male pronouns, not a single person reacted --in any way at all-- to my use of female pronouns for this person, i.e. it was honestly as if this person completely transcended pronouns.)

I finally made a point of directly asking (when no one else was around) what pronouns they preferred, and before they answered, I also confessed to having used female pronouns despite never hearing a single other person using them. OMG, she f'ing lit up with joy!

Long story short, she was born intersex, so she'd been dealing with gender incongruence her whole life. She said, at this point, she was actually really comfortable with her body, and while she much preferred female pronouns, she understood that she fits more neatly into society's idea of a flamboyant gay man, and so she had long ago made peace with male pronouns.

Despite all her gender ambiguities, she completely and confidently embodies the "I'm just me and I'll still be me regardless of what box you think I fit in" identity.

Wow, thanks! Appreciate the story.

This person sounds pretty awesome haha. I can't say I've ever known someone like this. It probably doesn't help that I've spent my whole life in a conservative state.

It helps to hear the perspective. Did you have the impression that her gender expression didn't hinder her socially? In other words, were a significant number of people turned off by it enough that they didn't want to be around her or spend time with her? And also, may I ask if she lived in a more liberal (i.e. more accepting) area or a more conservative area?

I've heard a zillion times how I should just be "who I am" and not care about what anyone else thinks. Nor should I worry about what groups, circles, and spaces identifying that way will bar me from. In many ways I love that idea of full and complete embodiment. But I am painfully aware that we "live in a society".

I hate having people worry about my pronouns. (I see them as a necessary annoyance.) I hate people being afraid to interact with me because they're scared of offending me. I hate people not knowing how to introduce me. I hate expending social capital to inform or educate people about my identity. I hate being asked about my genitals or my medical plans for the future. I just wish I had a clean easy way to present myself and tell people what I am. It feels like "feminine guy" and "trans woman" (one that is at least close to passing) are the only options for me in this regard. Everything else has too many question marks for other people for me to want to do it. I'm not in a place mentally to be a champion for a lesser known or ambiguous identity. I have enough complications in my life as it is.

Maybe it'd be different if I weren't autistic and I were a flourishing social butterfly with no mental health issues. But I need every advantage I can get, to be honest.

 

[wren-briar]

t probably doesn't help that I've spent my whole life in a conservative state.

And also, may I ask if she lived in a more liberal (i.e. more accepting) area or a more conservative area?

She's lived her entire life in an extremely conservative state. She was also raised by a very religious family, in a religion, that basically says any non-cis-normative person will be denied entry to heaven, and that trans people in particular, are worse than murderers.

Did you have the impression that her gender expression didn't hinder her socially? In other words, were a significant number of people turned off by it enough that they didn't want to be around her or spend time with her?

Honestly, her gender expression was a complete non-issue socially.

That said, she was (as you so perfectly phrased it) a "flourishing social butterfly".

In my 50+ years of life, she easily rates as one of the top 5 extroverts that I've ever known! We went to an outdoor event with lots of booths, we literally couldn't walk past booths because she was stopping or stopped by so many people who know and obviously enjoy her presence. (As a massive introvert, this was simultaneously frustrating, anxiety inducing, and yet, amazing to watch.)

Everything else has too many question marks for other people for me to want to do it.

I transitioned back in '08 and I can say with complete and absolute honesty, so very much has changed for the better in that timeframe, to include a lot of your question marks! Yes, here in the States, the last few years have seen a whole lot of legislative regression, but on the whole, including legislatively (I'll provide a wonderful contrast momentarily), but particularly socially, we've made huge strides!

When I went to my first trans support group I was advised to only present as a hyper-macho ftm because otherwise, even other transgender people would question me. Since then, I've seen transmen who I can honestly only summarize as absurdly girly —and no one has a problem with that. I've known more than a few people who flip flop binary identities on a daily basis (fwiw, that's a pronoun nightmare for the rest of us), and the whole idea of the binary has been in the process of being dismantled —to the point that we now have agendered people. Heck, to have my sex marker changed on my birth certificate, I had to have a letter from the surgeon who sterilized me (this fact will continue to horrify me until I finally CTB) and now people can get an "X" as their sex marker! When I started transitioning, most people had no idea that there were ftm individuals, and now, I can refer to myself as a transdude, and often times the only questions I get are related to doubts that I'm being honest, because I so completely appear to be a cisgender guy —I haven't had to explain what ftm, transmasculine, transman, or transdude mean in at least a decade!

So, yes, the person I described, and it sounds like you, still don't have neat "boxes" to fit into but (a) more and more "boxes" are being actively created by the community and society and (b) gender-related boxes themselves are actively becoming more and more antiquated!

It feels like "feminine guy" and "trans woman" (one that is at least close to passing) are the only options for me in this regard.

Honestly, for people who haven't clearly fit into existing boxes but are able to get past that limitation, or who are in social groups that have a problem with trans terminology, I've seen them either (a) actively help to create a new box(es) that they do fit into or (b) basically, say "fuck boxes" and tell people just to refer to them by their name, i.e. don't use pronouns or other gendered labels.

One of my first "big sisters" took this later strategy. She clearly identified as a female, but she didn't feel "trans" and, more importantly, her family and a lot of her community had hangups about referring to her in the feminine, so she basically told them, "Fine, I understand where you're coming from. I'm Bea (actual name changed for obvious reasons), so just refer to me only as Bea and don't use any pronouns or gendered words when referring to me." Which was an amazingly effective tactic! I'm sure that some of the more bigoted people in her life still used offensive language and said nasty things behind her back (again, we were in a state that is very conservative with a single, very prominent religion) but at least when she was present or they were interacting with people who actually respected her, those bigots would still respect that simple request of hers.

I'm not in a place mentally to be a champion for a lesser known or ambiguous identity. I have enough complications in my life as it is.

I feel this to my core!

 

[mango-meridian]

She's lived her entire life in an extremely conservative state. She was also raised by a very religious family, in a religion, that basically says any non-cis-normative person will be denied entry to heaven, and that trans people in particular, are worse than murderers.



Honestly, her gender expression was a complete non-issue socially.

That said, she was (as you so perfectly phrased it) a "flourishing social butterfly".

In my 50+ years of life, she easily rates as one of the top 5 extroverts that I've ever known! We went to an outdoor event with lots of booths, we literally couldn't walk past booths because she was stopping or stopped by so many people who know and obviously enjoy her presence. (As a massive introvert, this was simultaneously frustrating, anxiety inducing, and yet, amazing to watch.)



I transitioned back in '08 and I can say with complete and absolute honesty, so very much has changed for the better in that timeframe, to include a lot of your question marks! Yes, here in the States, the last few years have seen a whole lot of legislative regression, but on the whole, including legislatively (I'll provide a wonderful contrast momentarily), but particularly socially, we've made huge strides!

When I went to my first trans support group I was advised to only present as a hyper-macho ftm because otherwise, even other transgender people would question me. Since then, I've seen transmen who I can honestly only summarize as absurdly girly —and no one has a problem with that. I've known more than a few people who flip flop binary identities on a daily basis (fwiw, that's a pronoun nightmare for the rest of us), and the whole idea of the binary has been in the process of being dismantled —to the point that we now have agendered people. Heck, to have my sex marker changed on my birth certificate, I had to have a letter from the surgeon who sterilized me (this fact will continue to horrify me until I finally CTB) and now people can get an "X" as their sex marker! When I started transitioning, most people had no idea that there were ftm individuals, and now, I can refer to myself as a transdude, and often times the only questions I get are related to doubts that I'm being honest, because I so completely appear to be a cisgender guy —I haven't had to explain what ftm, transmasculine, transman, or transdude mean in at least a decade!

So, yes, the person I described, and it sounds like you, still don't have neat "boxes" to fit into but (a) more and more "boxes" are being actively created by the community and society and (b) gender-related boxes themselves are actively becoming more and more antiquated!



Honestly, for people who haven't clearly fit into existing boxes but are able to get past that limitation, or who are in social groups that have a problem with trans terminology, I've seen them either (a) actively help to create a new box(es) that they do fit into or (b) basically, say "fuck boxes" and tell people just to refer to them by their name, i.e. don't use pronouns or other gendered labels.

One of my first "big sisters" took this later strategy. She clearly identified as a female, but she didn't feel "trans" and, more importantly, her family and a lot of her community had hangups about referring to her in the feminine, so she basically told them, "Fine, I understand where you're coming from. I'm Bea (actual name changed for obvious reasons), so just refer to me only as Bea and don't use any pronouns or gendered words when referring to me." Which was an amazingly effective tactic! I'm sure that some of the more bigoted people in her life still used offensive language and said nasty things behind her back (again, we were in a state that is very conservative with a single, very prominent religion) but at least when she was present or they were interacting with people who actually respected her, those bigots would still respect that simple request of hers.




I feel this to my core!

Aw, thank you so much for the thoughtful response!

Haha, some people can just flourish in any setting, I swear. Maybe in my life I will slowly work toward that but maybe I will be stuck this way forever.

I think I agree that the rigid gender boxes/labels are both expanding and becoming less relevant. I still run into a fair number of situations though where it feels like nothing has changed and things are still like the 1950's. Maybe I need to try and find a way to avoid or work around those kinds of situations more.

Btw, what do you mean by "big sister"? Just someone that's not your biological sister that guided you/helped you? I actually refer to some people in my life in a similar way haha.

 

[wren-briar]

Aw, thank you so much for the thoughtful response!

Glad to help!

Haha, some people can just flourish in any setting, I swear. Maybe in my life I will slowly work toward that but maybe I will be stuck this way forever.

IKR?

I've had phases in my life when I was better at adapting to a wide range of settings, but I've also had phases where I just wanted to never interact face-to-face with any other humans. I've relocated, changed schools, and changed jobs a lot over the last 5+ decades, and I definitely learned new ways of adapting from all those experiences, but I've also become much more rigid and unyielding in other ways.

I think I agree that the rigid gender boxes/labels are both expanding and becoming less relevant. I still run into a fair number of situations though where it feels like nothing has changed and things are still like the 1950's. Maybe I need to try and find a way to avoid or work around those kinds of situations more.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're running into situations similar to the '50s!

I'm not sure if I'm just not running into such situations or if I've just become oblivious to them.

Undoubtedly, some of the reasons why I'm not experiencing such situations, at least to the degree that you currently are, are that:

• as an actual trans "man", I still personally fit into one of the old-school, binary boxes (just not the one that I was born into)
• for the most part trans-men who have been on T for more than a few years (myself included) tend to very easily pass as cis-men
• because I transitioned so long ago, everyone around me has had time to really get to know me as the man that I am and to change long term habits (the last real "holdout" was my mother; while she was actually very supportive, she had the hardest time switching to masculine pronouns for me), likewise, a whole lot of administrative stuff (e.g. name and gender markers for a whole lot of documents and systems) was updated in the late 00's

More relevant to you and your situation, I also think that I've naturally navigated to groups that tend to be supportive and, on occasion, I've very explicitly navigated away from toxic groups. For example, at one of my last jobs, there were several coworkers who where simply toxic bigots. The worst of them happened to be the guy whom I had to work with the most. He and I worked together almost every minute of every single workday (frequently our shoulders were physically touching because we genuinely worked together that closely). He was openly, unabashedly, and extremely transphobic, as well as homophobic, racist, misogynistic, etc.. For my subsequent two (and, given the fact that I'm so close to CTB, final two) employers, I made an explicit point of verifying that, as organizations, they were genuinely supportive of LGBT and other minority employees, to include already having supportive policies in place, before I even had a first interview with them. Needless to say, my last two workplaces were so, so much better —orders of magnitude better— than the workplace with the unabashed bigots!

Btw, what do you mean by "big sister"? Just someone that's not your biological sister that guided you/helped you? I actually refer to some people in my life in a similar way haha.

Exactly!

I'll refer to people (trans or otherwise) who have mentored me, or whom I've mentored, as my big sisters, big brothers, baby sisters, baby brothers, etc. (I also just realized that I haven't actually had any explicitly non-binary honorary siblings; although I'm proud to have several honorary niblings and, over the years I've also had honorary siblings that would probably now consider themselves non-binary.)

Based on context, I'll also use phrases like "trans-sisters", "trans-brothers", "trans-siblings", "trans-family" in reference to either:

• multiple specific people whom I have, or will be, explicitly interacting with in some way or another
  (e.g. "My trans-sisters completely derailed the trans support meeting to discuss make-up and fashion.", "My trans-siblings and I are going out together for dinner next week.", etc.)
• more generally, to reference all trans-women, all trans-men other than myself, all trans-people other than myself, or some clearly delineated (at least, I mean for it to have been clearly delineated), but still large and encompassing set of "family", most of whom I've never actually met or interacted with (e.g. "most of my trans-brothers who have been on T for more than a few years easily pass as cis-men", "our trans-siblings who are attending K-12 schools are bearing the brunt of the current political vitriol against the trans community", etc.)

 

[cantThinkOfName]

Hi, I just wanted to let everyone know that I care for you all. I hope you all have chances to be happy and live the lives you all deserve.

I've made plans to kill myself and its just a matter for getting everything in order and to reach the planned date.

Even if I don't know any of you, thank you. Its been nice knowing there are people out there who understand how I feel.

 

[ForestGhost]

I'm not exactly fully trans, but I feel a lot of dysphoria when it comes to relationships. I am a gay guy but my attraction to men is extremely feminine. I feel like I love men the way that straight women do, and I desperately want that love to be reciprocated accordingly. But it's just impossible for that to ever happen for me as a male, especially as I age more and more.

Outside that specific context, however, I have no problem being perceived as a man. Transitioning would absolutely wreck most other aspects of my life, too. So I'm really quite stuck in this awkward genderfucked limbo.

 

[leloyon]

I'm finally on HRT now. DIY, as to be honest I've never considered the official medical route as an option to begin with. 4mg Estradiol Enanthate, injected subcutaneously once a week. Started mid-September, haven't seen much results thus far. I never had much hope but hopefully this'll at least start to have more effects soon, each day just feels like simultaneously I'll age more and more and become more male-looking, and dread that I'll end up regretting taking HRT instead of repping. At least if I see results it might alleviate those things, make me feel better and show that there is nothing to regret. I prefer that it's once a week, makes me feel like I'm doing something, the lack of effects made me feel at first like nothing was happening, so administering it on such a frequent basis at least reassures me that I'm doing it, that something is indeed happening even if I'm not seeing the effects immediately. Also keeps me from becoming afraid of needles. I don't struggle with needles, moreso just the anticipation that it's going to hurt, which only develops due to the times I'd had needles stuck in me prior to starting HRT (had a couple blood tests throughout my life, mostly unrelated to HRT but I did get one before I started to check my baseline hormone levels) being a large amount of time apart, so I'd get it done, realise "oh, it wasn't that bad", and then go about my life. Then, months later, when it's time to have a needle stuck in me again, the memory of the last time would be far away by now and I'd get it into my head that it'll hurt worse than it ends up doing. Rinse and repeat. With me injecting once a week, there's no more of that. Not enough time between them, I remember that last week barely felt like anything. The first time I did it my hands were shaking, almost chickened out but I got it done, hands still shaking all the way. The week afterwards my hands were perfectly steady, I was calm as can be. It's routine at this point, pure muscle memory, I have zero worries about it.

I don't have much hope with transitioning, I doubt I'll pass worth a fuck unless I buy a bunch of makeup I don't know how to use nor do I have the energy to learn or apply on a consistent basis. But I suppose this is a step in the right direction, would rather disrupt any further testosterone production at the very least, and maybe I will improve a little, even just a little. The two things I'm waiting for in particular are softer skin (have some pimples on my face that have really been fucking with me, blind pimples too so I can't pop the fuckers, so I was hoping HRT would help with acne) and emotional changes. I haven't been able to cry in years despite trying to and getting close sometimes, and I've heard HRT helps in this regard.

 

[lok_sat]

stupid rant but bring trans sucks ass especially where i live, i could never medically transition or nor would i ever be seen as a real man even among other queer people or allies. already doesnt help when my existence in this country is both considered a crime and a disgrace on the main religion in it.

i noticed lately how some (cis male) friends been treating me and it had me realise that in their eyes i will always be a woman. my voice gives me away and so does my body/face, it just sucks ass to exist as a man when you look like a 12y ear old boy about to hit puberty when you're a grown adult trying to fit in with other men

 

[afternoontea]

This is probably weird but I feel like I don't even deserve to be trans anymore.

I want to get on T and I really want top surgery, but several months ago I was on T for about 4 months (I really liked the changes, I even passed as a teenage boy despite being 22 at the time, oh well) but then i started going down another depressive spiral and I just....stopped. I guess taking 30 fucking seconds to slather gel on my arm every day was too much effort. And dealing with the sorta iffy doctor I saw was too much effort too (he needed to make sure I didn't have depression or anxiety before giving me the gel - lmao sure buddy whatever you say). I could feel and see my body reverting some of the changes and it sucked. But by that point I was barely leaving the house anyways and though dysphoria when you're alone sucks it's being around ppl that's the real kicker for me so whatever. I'll just bedrot.

But yeah, this cycle has been happened a few times. I get T, I take it for a couple weeks or so, and then my job/school goes to shit one way or another and I just get fed up with having to take the medication or see a doctor altogether.

I feel like everyone else around me thinks I'm probably a "faker" who's wasting precious resources when they see me get up to this sort of shit. And I keep telling myself that next time I go on T I need to be working out/eating healthy at the same time, which is like triple the effort but it's all shit I should be doing anyways so whatever.

I guess if I've just committed myself to laying in bed for the rest of my life being trans or taking T doesn't even matter

 

[Loona KLD]

That feeling when you know you'll never pass as a cis girl, that alone is enough for me to CTB, it's not like I can afford the journey, I don't have friends and my mum is very not supportive, plus I live in a country that hates people like me, so all I have left is to hope that after death I'll receive my right body, I believe that when we die we receive the live we truly wanted.