Transgender Support Megathread

[SorryForThePain]

I think I'm in such a bad place right now that I honestly sometimes wish my attempt to leave this world had not failed so miserably. I love my partner/wife with everything I have but I don't think I can stand myself or the fighting any longer. I know she has an account here and is probably going to see this but honestly I don't know how I feel anymore about me and her. We have let the room become a mess, we stopped taking estrogen and I started cutting again. I constantly snap at her and constantly direct my anger towards her when I shouldn't. I know I'm a subpar girlfriend and I hate it. Id hoped that would change with time but it hasn't changed more than an inch. Idk anymore. I just want to be happy. I want to feel like real me and I want to stop feeling so empty but no matter what I do or say it all fails. I just want to be happy but I don't think I can achieve it anymore I think I'm just a void now

 

[dogbreath]

Im wishy washy between being a trans man and being nonbinary...wish I could transition but I'm so scared too,,,I'm scared of getting disgusted glances from strangers and peers....I once bought a binder....was extremely happy....but it didn't remove my curves and I felt defeated... it just feels like I should give up and do my best to accept being seen as a girl. Everyday I have to pretend that I'm someone else. I have to roleplay as a girl.... even If I do transition, I don't think I can ever be who I really want to be. I want people to look at me and think "I can't tell what that is. Don't know the right pronouns" but no I'm stuck as being a girl

 

[fwompie]

I thought thzt i was trans and dug myself into a biiiig hole.

i haven't "transitioned" as much as surgery but, even just the social aspect, amd my name and stuff.
my family and what not

I feel like I made a mistake- however I'm not taking away from, the real trans people, I just thought I'd tell you my take since you asked.

New to this forum, hi.

It's actually not uncommon at all for people struggling with mental health to think that they are trans. Perhaps the thought "if I was just someone else" belongs to that, I'm not sure. If you were ftm also know it's not uncommon for young girls to get body dysphoria when they start growing curves, some grow out of it, some think they're trans and some do change their bodies to make themselves comfortable.
I can imagine it'll be just as hard to come out as it is to tell them you were wrong, but imo it would be good. Just like if you're trans but in the closet, you can't live a lie, it's exhausting and depressing. Wishing you the best

Im wishy washy between being a trans man and being nonbinary...wish I could transition but I'm so scared too,,,I'm scared of getting disgusted glances from strangers and peers....I once bought a binder....was extremely happy....but it didn't remove my curves and I felt defeated... it just feels like I should give up and do my best to accept being seen as a girl. Everyday I have to pretend that I'm someone else. I have to roleplay as a girl.... even If I do transition, I don't think I can ever be who I really want to be. I want people to look at me and think "I can't tell what that is. Don't know the right pronouns" but no I'm stuck as being a girl

Being trans and out is definitely a struggle, but hiding who you really are is even harder. I'd say, don't knock it till you try it, you'd be surprised how quickly people get confused, especially once you're able to get your hands on testosterone. I'm personally on a giant waiting list for any treatment but when I tell people I'm a guy they usually just assume I look a little feminine and have an oddly high voice. People will often take your word for it. The coming out with it is hard, you'll always have to defend yourself and it's exhausting. Definitely worth a try though.

 

[bitofftoomuch]

Internalized phobia is going to be my cause of death. Not because it's made me hate myself, but because it's made me blow up relationships with the other trans people who showed me love.

I had a friend who made life worth living. I pushed her away -- I made a million excuses but I know deep down it was about believing she wasn't pretty enough and girly enough and that I needed to distance myself from her so I could fit in with cis women. Because I'm horrible.

I deserve the crippling loneliness that I've experienced as a result of this. I had my chance to fix things with her and blew it. There's nothing left in this world for me now besides stressors and regret; I just want to leave so I can stop thinking about all of it.

It's funny too, I'm actually pretty happy with my body's results. Goes to show everyone needs people to thrive.

 

[DysphoriaDrug]

im preoccupied with thinking about my own death lately. im a closeted trans woman. i feel deeply uncomfortable in my life, particularly in social situations. I feel like people are constantly projecting this man onto me and I feel helpless to escape it. I have taken hrt for 7 years but didnt really have any luck with that. I always held out hope growing up that i would figure out what was wrong with me and my life could get better. When I finally came to terms with being trans in my early 20's, it was the first time i'd had hope in my life since I was a little kid.

It was only years into transition that it started to sink in that yes, I may have finally figured out what the problem was, but it turns out that the solution was impossible.

i wake up every morning and for a brief moment i don't remember who i am or what my life is, and it feels like anything is possible.

Then it all comes flooding back. There's something wrong. I'm uncomfortable. I think about how i can make the discomfort go away. No, I already tried all of that. I get dressed and go to work. I try to keep my mind occupied with voices in my headphones but sometimes i have to go to the bathroom and squat against the wall and sometimes i cry and sometimes i can't.

When i get home, i stare at the tv or my phone and just hope the time passes quickly until it's time to go to bed. Lying in bed: with no distractions the thoughts creep back in. I used to soothe myself to sleep by imagining a life where things are different, where life feels good. I can no longer imagine things being different, so now most of the time i just cry myself to sleep.

I really don't want to die. I want to live. Sometimes it makes me feel a little better to know that I never had a chance anyway.

 

[freakshow]

im preoccupied with thinking about my own death lately. im a closeted trans woman. i feel deeply uncomfortable in my life, particularly in social situations. I feel like people are constantly projecting this man onto me and I feel helpless to escape it. I have taken hrt for 7 years but didnt really have any luck with that. I always held out hope growing up that i would figure out what was wrong with me and my life could get better. When I finally came to terms with being trans in my early 20's, it was the first time i'd had hope in my life since I was a little kid.

It was only years into transition that it started to sink in that yes, I may have finally figured out what the problem was, but it turns out that the solution was impossible.

i wake up every morning and for a brief moment i don't remember who i am or what my life is, and it feels like anything is possible.

Then it all comes flooding back. There's something wrong. I'm uncomfortable. I think about how i can make the discomfort go away. No, I already tried all of that. I get dressed and go to work. I try to keep my mind occupied with voices in my headphones but sometimes i have to go to the bathroom and squat against the wall and sometimes i cry and sometimes i can't.

When i get home, i stare at the tv or my phone and just hope the time passes quickly until it's time to go to bed. Lying in bed: with no distractions the thoughts creep back in. I used to soothe myself to sleep by imagining a life where things are different, where life feels good. I can no longer imagine things being different, so now most of the time i just cry myself to sleep.

I really don't want to die. I want to live. Sometimes it makes me feel a little better to know that I never had a chance anyway.

iktf idk if its your case but I am unpassable and really ugly, im 21 rn started hrt 6 months ago, and i specially feel that part where you say "finally figured out what the problem was", like i really like the effects of hrt i like having boobs specially. but i just look like a man, its hard to convince people that im a woman, i also dont want to die, i want to experience life as a woman, i want to have a bf and just have a normal life but im a freak. i cant deal with it the dysphoria anymore, im so envious of pretty passing tarns girls that can experience life as a woman, ik 6 months is not much time on hrt and theres a lot to change but ill still be ugly no matter what. i discovered i was trans when i was 13 to 14 but i was too scared to do anything about it, at first I tried using she/her pronouns online, then i told close friends of mine to use she/her with me, and i really liked it, but i didnt have enough time, puberty hit me like a truck and when i finally came to terms with my transness i was already 180cm with linebacker shoulders and a man face and so i repressed for many year. now theres nothing i can do about it, its just over, nothing good will happen to me because of bad luck and genetics. ths life simply isnt worth living. i wish to be reborn

 

[Minsu]

Sending you so much support guys

 

[5nicotine]

Pointless rant below:

I've been on HRT since I was a teen, now in my late twenties, and apparently pass. Everybody keeps trying to emphasise that to me when I question it.

However I can't get rid of the body dysmorphia. When I look in the mirror I still see all of the little masculine features and begin to doubt everything about my looks. Everyday I go out feeling like a disgusting monster faking it and I feel everyone can see through it. Nothing ever happens and I don't get any looks, but in my internal view of the world I'm being scrutinised.

You kind of get used to just being a disgusting freak over the years. I even had a while when my coping that it's okay to be ugly went so far that I stopped wearing makeup (for feminist and corona reasons). I could kind of just be chill and not care. Apparently did not affect my passability at all.

Then the body dysmorphia flared up again and I was obsessively looking in mirrors for hours at a time, thinking about plastic surgery and suicide. My eating disorder came back in full force and I betrayed my principles by starting to wear makeup again. It helped very minimally and now my mental state is just worse than before.

How am I just supposed to live with this feeling of looking like a monster for the rest of my life? No amount of "being passable" or getting validation seems to fix it. Am I just doomed to go through waves of extreme misery because of body dysmorphia?

I can't even get a boyfriend because I feel too disgusted with my body. My libido is also completely shot so how am I supposed to have a normal relationship with a normal person of normal libido?

I was also in a conversation with (sad) people my age talking about how getting kids gives meaning to your life. There I am listening to the conversation with no meaning in my life and not capable of apparently the one simple trick people do to give their lives meaning.

Being trans is absolute hopeless misery no matter how well you succeed in your transition.

 

[username12345]

This is a Megathread where members who are or suspect they are transgender can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

The fact that there's a thread about transgender people on a suicide website is so depressing. People seriously do not take transphobia seriously and then they're like idk why they are killing themselves though lol. Probably cause we're just crazy tr****** right?

 

[5nicotine]

The fact that there's a thread about transgender people on a suicide website is so depressing. People seriously do not take transphobia seriously and then they're like idk why they are killing themselves though lol. Probably cause we're just crazy tr****** right?

I'm a crazy tr**** and want to kill myself because of it. It isn't about transphobia or people not liking people who look gender non-conforming. The condition itself (and the accompanying body dysmorphia) just is not compatible with normal life in this sexually divided het society. You cannot fit yourself into the mold as a crazy tr**** so why live.

Sorry about disagreeing with your rant. I just don't think the suicide stats are (completely) because of transphobia.

 

[username12345]

I'm a crazy tr**** and want to kill myself because of it. It isn't about transphobia or people not liking people who look gender non-conforming. The condition itself (and the accompanying body dysmorphia) just is not compatible with normal life in this sexually divided het society. You cannot fit yourself into the mold as a crazy tr**** so why live.

Sorry about disagreeing with your rant. I just don't think the suicide stats are (completely) because of transphobia.

Being trans isn't a condition? Being trans not easily fitting into the world is literally describing transphobia. If they weren't transphobic we would be more accepted into communities. Thinking that being trans is a condition and that it's inherently something to ostracize is internalized transphobia.

 

[Lily_bun]

I hate the fact I'm trans it's already fucked enough that I was put into this world without a say but I'm also a fucked up freak on top of it makes life feel like one long shitty joke. I feel like I'm just an observer in my own life, I'm constantly reminded I'm stuck in the body of someone who doesn't exist that I'll never be seen for who I really am but instead this vessel I'm trapped in and it brings a type of loneliness that is indescribable and painful. Even when I'm with the people I love the most they will never truly know me even if they know everything about me because I don't physically exist all they see is a stranger mimicking my thoughts and when I try explain how much pain I am because of this they don't understand at all or just down play how unbearable this is which makes feel detached from the only people in my life that don't treat me like shit. I've given up on ever being the person I am on the inside the only hope I have now is destroy this body that has don't nothing but cause me pain.

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

MTF transwoman here. I started HRT in my late 20s. It was a wonderful time in my life. In the early years of my transition, estrogen made me feel like a teenager again. When strangers started calling me "ma'am" and "young lady," and guys became hilariously confused when they saw me using the male public restroom, I decided to go full-time.

Being 5'4" and 115 lbs, a head full of long, thick, wavy hair, with smooth long legs, and a petite body, it wasn't difficult to pass. I blossomed. Getting the attention of cisgendered males and going out on a date with them was a lot of fun.

But all that for naught when I lost my baby girl. I no longer care for any and all of that. I just want to be with her in the afterlife.

 

[Gone soon]

Hey to all. I'm also trans from Germany. I know that I live in the wrong body since I was 12, 13 years old. At that time also my parents found out about it, so did classmates, and my trouble began. Neither of them accepted a freak like me. I was bullied so much that at age 15 I decided to take my life for the first time. If my father hadn't come in my room a little bit too early, I would have hanged myself. I spent almost half a year in psychic ward, where they rather tried to turn me around from being gay / trans instead of helping with my depression. Ever since I've probably tried 20 times or more to ctb but couldn't make it. I live in a very conservative area, where I and my way of living will never find acceptance. I've decided to give death another chance, because I definitely can't go on living like that. It feels good to have found such a great community here

 

[banger12]

Hey to all. I'm also trans from Germany. I know that I live in the wrong body since I was 12, 13 years old. At that time also my parents found out about it, so did classmates, and my trouble began. Neither of them accepted a freak like me. I was bullied so much that at age 15 I decided to take my life for the first time. If my father hadn't come in my room a little bit too early, I would have hanged myself. I spent almost half a year in psychic ward, where they rather tried to turn me around from being gay / trans instead of helping with my depression. Ever since I've probably tried 20 times or more to ctb but couldn't make it. I live in a very conservative area, where I and my way of living will never find acceptance. I've decided to give death another chance, because I definitely can't go on living like that. It feels good to have found such a great community here

I'm sorry that you have been subject to so much mistreatment in your life and that it had driven you to such dark places so often. It all sounds very traumatic too. This is probably a dumb/obvious question but, if you were to be able to escape your community into a new one, do you think in the long term it may be enough to ease the stressors that make life so unbearable?

MTF transwoman here. I started HRT in my late 20s. It was a wonderful time in my life. In the early years of my transition, estrogen made me feel like a teenager again. When strangers started calling me "ma'am" and "young lady," and guys became hilariously confused when they saw me using the male public restroom, I decided to go full-time.

Being 5'4" and 115 lbs, a head full of long, thick, wavy hair, with smooth long legs, and a petite body, it wasn't difficult to pass. I blossomed. Getting the attention of cisgendered males and going out on a date with them was a lot of fun.

But all that for naught when I lost my baby girl. I no longer care for any and all of that. I just want to be with her in the afterlife.

I am so very sorry for your loss. You have my condolences.

 

[Gone soon]

I'm sorry that you have been subject to so much mistreatment in your life and that it had driven you to such dark places so often. It all sounds very traumatic too. This is probably a dumb/obvious question but, if you were to be able to escape your community into a new one, do you think in the long term it may be enough to ease the stressors that make life so unbearable?

I don't know. I feel so broken down, that I think death will be a relieve for me. I fear that any more fails trying to start a new life will just make everything worse

 

[banger12]

I don't know. I feel so broken down, that I think death will be a relieve for me. I fear that any more fails trying to start a new life will just make everything worse

I understand completely and I'm so sorry.

 

[banger12]

Was debating about posting about this and I'll probably delete it later but I saw this thread the other day and I've been thinking that it may be better to just get it off my chest.

It never used to be much of a thought for me but over the past few years I've gone through various on and off phases of wondering if I'm trans. Any satisfactory explanation of what that's like for me evades me because presently my brain is kinda fucked. Rough day. But suffice it to say I've never really known if it was legitimate or if I was playing tricks on myself. Either way I've been in a position for a while now where any serious attempt to grapple with the question would be to my detriment, and that I'm out of time regardless, so best to push it out of mind.

I wish I could give a better account of this that would satisfy me and allow me to feel as if I've gotten it all out.

Idk.

 

[DeathSleep]

Just venting.

I'm trans FTM. I'm sick of having to take hormones. Yes, I like them for all that they do for me. I just don't want to have to take them. I hate being reliant on a doctor and insurance to get hormones because my body just can't do it itself. Because if I go off them for a little bit (like if I can't get a refill of my T) then my period comes back. Yes, I could have surgery to stop this from happening. But I hate that I need to have surgery. I've had top surgery and I'm so glad I did. I just don't like that I have to have surgery to feel comfortable with myself.

I know that I should be thankful that I at least live in a place where getting HRT and surgeries for being trans are allowed and not uncommon. I am thankful for that. I think I'm just sick of being trans.

For so long now I act like it doesn't really bother me and I don't really talk about how it affects me. Maybe if the world were more accepting it would bother me a little less. Or if I wasn't reminded every fucking time I go to pee.

I've just been very dysphoric because I know my period is coming up because I was off my T for a little while. Now my insurance may be changing too so I'm worried I may not be able to see my doctor again anytime soon. I'm ready to go.

Oh, and I hate talking on the phone because I quite often get misgendered because of my voice. Also, I pass for the most part but I get she/her sometimes at work from my coworkers. They're not haters or trying to offend me so I don't get mad. Just sad. I think they just kind of sense a feminine energy or something since I don't exactly exude masculinity. They're just not mindful sometimes about what they say. I laugh it off but it hurts.

Being trans is one of my top reasons for wanting to CTB. The dysphoria and everything else that comes with it. It's hard and I don't think a lot of cis gendered people understand that.

Sorry this was kind of long. I feel like I have a lot more to say but I'll leave it for now. I hope it made some sense.

 

[LunarLight]

26yo MtF here. Lost all my hair at 16/17. I'm bald. I wanna fucking die.
Nobody takes me seriously except my wife.
I'm misgendered all the time. My voice is so masculine. Tried to feminize it but it didn't work. I'm sick of it.

 

[illandlonely]

Trans woman here. Getting disgusted looks everyday anywhere I go is fucking with my head. The only way I get by everyday is thinking those looks are just looks of attraction but I know they aren't, I know I make people disgusted and mad.

Before I visibly transitioned I always thought only old ppl will treat you like dirt, only strangers will. But sadly no, it's anywhere any age group anyone.

I know for a lot of people I'm their first interaction with someone who's visibily trans, they'll tell me this and ask a bunch of intrusive questions. I feel like I gotta answer them just to make them content with me being alive, just so id feel safe.

 

[assistedsuicidelove]

Any trans in San Diego near carlsbad. I'm a girl and the straight guys and girls are weird. I'd rather talk to someone who I know isn't a weirdo and isn't interested in me sexually.

 

[trappedinthislife]

26yo MtF here. Lost all my hair at 16/17. I'm bald. I wanna fucking die.
Nobody takes me seriously except my wife.
I'm misgendered all the time. My voice is so masculine. Tried to feminize it but it didn't work. I'm sick of it.

Sending you love sis. I hate male pattern baldness - like seriously our bodies are so fragile and "buggy" it's insane to think about. Im glad it haven't happened to me yet and I do hope it won't.

I think about this a lot too - like parents who have bad genes why do they even have children. Like yes im talking about parents who have like, chronic pain genes and stuff but also parents who just have moderately bad genes in general, like early baldness. Like why tf do you decide to have a kid then?

Like future parents please go get a DNA examination before you have a kid. If your DNA is shit don't have them.
21 MtF here. Where do I even start...

I hate this. I hate this life, I hate the world for hating on people like us just trying to be happy and comfortable, I hate corrupt politicians trying to police us, I hate corrupt government who worries more about how they can squeeze more out of their citizen than their well-being.

Im from Vietnam, transphobia is rampant there, nobody takes me seriously, I have to hide myself from my parents, my (super transphobic) dad passed away but I don't think my mom'll be happy. Healthcare is not an option.

Im currently studying in the US and... seeing my friends transitioning left and right hurts man. Its like a railgun shell straight to my heart. Don't get me wrong I am happy that my friends are all getting to live the life they deserve but... not me.

I'll never find love. Never will succeed. I'll just get deported back to my shithole of a country (that loves to act like they're not shitty and that they're the greatest nation in the world) and never find my happiness.

like two of my friends went on HRT lately, one's been on it for 5 months, one started today, and as much as I want to congrats them... I can't help but feel bad. I want to fucking die man.

FUCK MY HOME COUNTRY AND ITS CORRUPT GOVERNMENT. FUCK THE PEOPLE SUCKING THE GOV TOO.

Yall go live your life. I can't do this anymore man. I have a last ditch plan to try and get access to healthcare - basically I'll just try my best and get a green card, or at least be somewhere where being trans is accepted. If I can't do that I'm going. Fuck this shit.

Fuck how hateful people are. Fuck how little empathy humans show for one another. Fuck it all.

I could go on, refuse to become a statistic. But then... for what? It'll all still fall in the end.

Oh, and while im at it... fuck anyone who use the 41% bullshit to make fun of us. You claim to be prolife yet you're so heartless it's insane.

No love, no motivation. No one will ever love me when I look like ass. And that's ok, no one owes me love anyways.

"i just got on HRT today" as much as I wish I could tell her "man I wish I can do that too" that'll just ruin the mood.

Im an outcast. Born one die one. Death is where I belong. No discomfort, no dysphoria, just peace.

I want to maybe come out to my brother whom I trust but he isn't a good secret keeper. And what if he doesn't take me seriously?

In the end nothing matters. So why stick around? This is painful as hell. Either let me live my life to the fullest or get me the fuck outta this shithole. Humanity are so bad and this community is sometimes the only tree I can grab onto in the midst of the flood.

 

[render]

i wish i had the security of familial support and i think i wouldnt be here if i did. i guess some jackoff church and social normalcy come before family. i wouldnt hate myself as bad if i was born a man

 

[Michael_the_ratman]

I hate how people see you when you're trans.

In love: You think you have a crush on a cisgender guy, but in reality you just want to be him. You actually fall in love with a cis guy, but he's gay and he doesn't want to date trans guys. You fall in love with a cis straight guy, but you'd need to pretend you're a girl and he just thinks you're a weird freak.

School: Most students see you as the weird, cringe, satanist LGBTQABCDQ12345690220 kid. They always misgender you on purpose. They talk in your back, and you're basically a joke. Making friends is super hard cuz most of the students think you're just a weirdo.

Religious communities: You aren't welcomed, people will just tell you ''You'll be in hel!!'' and that you're possesed by shaytan. You're too queer to be religious, yet too religious for most queer people.

Politics: People will argue over your rights and your existence. You will be illegal in certain contries. You will constantly worry if there's gonna be laws against you.

There's so much more too it. But when you're trans there's simply no winning, no matter where you go you'll never fit in and there's always someone who will hate on you.

 

[cantThinkOfName]

I just want help. I want to transition, the technology is there, the science is there, the knowledge is there, im even lucky enough to be born in a country with free healthcare. But yet I was left completely in the dark as a child and by the time I realised it was too late for puberty blockers, and now I'm just slowly getting older and the world does not want to help me and is just letting me suffer. I literally just want to feel normal. It's not my fault I'm like this, I juts wanted help. It's affecting everything, my ability to make friends, to work, to go to university, to have hobbies, and there's nothing I can do. I'm funking trying and all I have is funking reddit and this. I just want to be able to be fuckinf normal burt I can't. If my life is considered licky compared to other partss of the world, then I'm terrified of things getting worse.

 

[SorryForThePain]

I fucking hate myself. I dont know what to do anymore. Last time i tried to take my life i changed my archive of our own account to read something along the lines of if you see this i have taken my life. At the time i thought it was over. And then i got this comment. "hey i saw on your profile you said you took your own life? is this true??? are you still here? i really like your stories. i just feel like you understand this pain. i hope youre okay or at least not suffering anymore. your fanfiction has made me feel better knowing someone out there got me even if you never knew i existed". I think about this comment alot. i often compare myself to Per Yngve "Pelle" Ohlin aka dead lead singer of mayham. the way he thought about life and death. that being on this earth just feels wrong. like i only ever felt happy thinking about blowing my brains out or slitting my wrists and slowly fading away. i fucking hate this all. i hate this earth and every thing on it. i just wanna kill myself so fucking badly. i hate not fitting in. i hate feeling like this. that the reason im in pain is because im alive. it fucking sucks. all i want is for death to sweep me off my feet and take me away. that scene in the mayham movie where dead slits his wrists and blows his brains out are the exact way i wanna go out. i think often and alwasy about how much better my life would be doing what he did. im tired of feeling like a ghost drifting throught life. i really have always felt ever sience i was a kid that death was where i was supposed to be. That me being born was the wrong path for me. i have never thought anything else for my life except that death is what awaits me. even being with my wife dosent make me happy. idk i just wish i had the courage to do it finally.

 

[RCan]

Hey… cis woman here… looking at your stories has felt kind of like a bit of a wake up call in terms of understanding how bad the world is making trans folks feel right now. Don't know if it's useful to hear or not but in case it helps to hear… like the problem has never been and will never be you… it really is just our really fucked up society and the way it punishes people who don't live within the narrow confines of prescribed gender norms. It's really sad and a real sign of human selfishness how people often refuse to look at how their actions/beliefs/attitudes deeply impact on others. I hope more than anything that y'all will find a way to be a ok x

 

[mango-meridian]

I didn't know we had this thread! This is great.

Just venting.

I'm trans FTM. I'm sick of having to take hormones. Yes, I like them for all that they do for me. I just don't want to have to take them. I hate being reliant on a doctor and insurance to get hormones because my body just can't do it itself. Because if I go off them for a little bit (like if I can't get a refill of my T) then my period comes back. Yes, I could have surgery to stop this from happening. But I hate that I need to have surgery. I've had top surgery and I'm so glad I did. I just don't like that I have to have surgery to feel comfortable with myself.

I know that I should be thankful that I at least live in a place where getting HRT and surgeries for being trans are allowed and not uncommon. I am thankful for that. I think I'm just sick of being trans.

For so long now I act like it doesn't really bother me and I don't really talk about how it affects me. Maybe if the world were more accepting it would bother me a little less. Or if I wasn't reminded every fucking time I go to pee.

I've just been very dysphoric because I know my period is coming up because I was off my T for a little while. Now my insurance may be changing too so I'm worried I may not be able to see my doctor again anytime soon. I'm ready to go.

Oh, and I hate talking on the phone because I quite often get misgendered because of my voice. Also, I pass for the most part but I get she/her sometimes at work from my coworkers. They're not haters or trying to offend me so I don't get mad. Just sad. I think they just kind of sense a feminine energy or something since I don't exactly exude masculinity. They're just not mindful sometimes about what they say. I laugh it off but it hurts.

Being trans is one of my top reasons for wanting to CTB. The dysphoria and everything else that comes with it. It's hard and I don't think a lot of cis gendered people understand that.

Sorry this was kind of long. I feel like I have a lot more to say but I'll leave it for now. I hope it made some sense.

I relate so much! I hate having to be reliant on the modern medical system for my transition. Therapists, hormones, hair removal, surgeries, all of it. I wish I could just tell my body to change in a certain way and it would do it. Why can't it be like that? This has been a big stumbling block for me lately.

 

[We Are Angels]

For as long as I can remember, I have never recongnized my own reflection. At around 5 years old, I refered to myself as "ugly", not because I thought that word was particularly accurate, but because it was the best word I could use to describe the sense of discord I felt with a limited vocabulary of a small child. Being raised in a conservative christian family, anything LGBT was out of the question.

Years later, almost 7 years post-hrt, I still think I am "ugly", or rather, that my looks are off, I don't pass to myself. I have no idea if I pass as female anymore. One day, a doctor will keep asking me about when I got my last period, even after I tell them I don't have periods. Then the next day, a guy on the bus calls me a dude.

I can never have any sense of confidence, or security, in the social sense. Transsexualism is a confidence killer, one of the most humiliating things a human can experience. I can not cope with it.

Even now, although I am far less disturbed by my appearance than I was pre-transition, I don't ever put my face in profile pics, because the pictures never look right. I'll also never be able to post pictures of myself in general, for fear of scrutiny of the cisgender gaze. "Linebacker shoulders", "adam's apple", "man hands", "huge feet", "square jaw". The increasing publicity has made it easy for the average joe to spot and identify us from the crowd, and it is isolating.

I can never feel comfortable in groups or social settings, when I dont know if the people I am interacting with are gossiping and judging behind my back. Transsexuals have no power in social dynamics, if you are outed, you are now treated as a freak. Misogyny? Misandry? You will deal with both! Being trans is the worst of both worlds.

I realized I'm never going to pass 100%, and 90-99% isn't good enough for me. Even at 100%, it still sucks. Our existence is a sick joke.