Those that have been here for a long time, why are you still here?

[Anonymoussn]

I've noticed that there are a lot of members who have been here for a long time. That is a great thing by the way. I really like the fact that we have members who have done their research and know what they are talking about, and to some level getting to know people in part on here as well. It's also refreshing to know that some people might have found the strength to go on and improve their lives, partly down to the experiences and interactions they have had here.

Im just curious though. Did you change your mind? Are you still here because you've failed attempts? Or maybe because you aren't yet committed entirely to the thought of CTBing? Or perhaps there is something you are waiting for in your life before it is the right time? Or perhaps you are still doing research?

It's just been something I have been curious about. As presumably everyone here joined the forum because they had, to at least some level, thoughts about CTB, so I am just curious as to why there are so many longstanding members here.

 

[alexit]

Failed attempts

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I've noticed that there are a lot of members who have been here for a long time. That is a great thing by the way. I really like the fact that we have members who have done their research and know what they are talking about, and to some level getting to know people in part on here as well. It's also refreshing to know that some people might have found the strength to go on and improve their lives, partly down to the experiences and interactions they have had here.

Im just curious though. Did you change your mind? Are you still here because you've failed attempts? Or maybe because you aren't yet committed entirely to the thought of CTBing? Or perhaps there is something you are waiting for in your life before it is the right time? Or perhaps you are still doing research?

It's just been something I have been curious about. As presumably everyone here joined the forum because they had, to at least some level, thoughts about CTB, so I am just curious as to why there are so many longstanding members here.

Mostly fear of failing and remaining alive but with brain damage so that i can't commit suicide then as well as i can now with my full mental capabilities.

Also indecision and focus . I need to work on deciding on a method to see which one i can get to be more reliable and then work on it until it is ready to go and then get my mind mentally ready to go through with it.

Also i only started thinking seriously about suicide last year in 2019 and was lucky to find this site when researching ctb methods.

In addition there are many other reasons for me huge ones, No one knows somone else's story and reasons. imo it takes years just to get over si for example. You can only begin to know what someone else is going through ,reasons for ctb, and reasons for not ctb ing yet, only after walking 100 miles in their shoes.

 

[Racon]

Personally I'd feel embarrassed to still be posting here in a year or two. No offense to anyone.

 

[Secrets1]

At 1st it was informative. Then backup plan. Now ready to take the next steps. I've got N on my mind

 

[Mm80]

Its a good question. Ive almost felt like a fraud at times for still being here.
I know thats irrational but the feeling does come.
I always put it off hoping things will get better but i have the stuff for 2 methods. This website has kept me going at times and im fond of a lot of members. I can honestly say that if or when i ctb, saying goodbye to people on here will be more difficult than leaving some of the people ive known for many years irl

 

[alexit]

Personally I'd feel embarrassed to still be posting here in a year or two. No offense to anyone.

that made me chuckle, honestly. True, very true but I guess embarrassment is least of problems

 

[Zyntkalla]

I am just finishing up some things in my life, and also I don't want to fail and when I find a method that works for me then I will go,and I am still getting things ready over here when I do decide to go.

 

[theguineapigking]

Does 9 months count in your eyes? Or do you mean years?

My family has held me back. My mom, dad, and younger siblings have made it hard to actually hang myself back then, or use sn(my method as of now). There are things in life that I enjoy, but I'd rather die than enjoy them and have to suffer too. If I could let go of my love for my family for just a day, I think I'd be gone by now, actually.

What about you op? Do you plan to go soon? Or do you plan to stay awhile?

 

[Mm80]

Personally I'd feel embarrassed to still be posting here in a year or two. No offense to anyone.

I dont get embaressed but i do sometimes feel like a fraud as i watch so many people come and go and feel like abit of a hypocrite at times. On the other hand its the ultimate decision and you need to be 100 % sure, and i suppose the time to get to that place varies from person to person.

 

[Checkmate3]

This website has kept me going at times and im fond of a lot of members. I can honestly say that if or when i ctb, saying goodbye to people on here will be more difficult than leaving some of the people ive known for many years irl

At one point, I thought life had singled me out as its punching bag, but seeing that I wasn't really alone gave me some strength.
Ironically this very site keeps some people from CTB.

 

[checkouttime]

I think some people look like they may have been here a while because it says 2019 on their picture.which isn't long ago at all really. I mean how long is actually a long time? I haven't seen anyone 2018 even i don't think.....watch someone pop up now!!!!

EDIT i tell a lie i have seen a 2018!!!!

 

[Anonymoussn]

Does 9 months count in your eyes? Or do you mean years?

My family has held me back. My mom, dad, and younger siblings have made it hard to actually hang myself back then, or use sn(my method as of now). There are things in life that I enjoy, but I'd rather die than enjoy them and have to suffer too. If I could let go of my love for my family for just a day, I think I'd be gone by now, actually.

What about you op? Do you plan to go soon? Or do you plan to stay awhile?

Thats commendable that you care so much for your family. Sounds like they're lucky to have you!

Yeah I would say 9 months is long (not that there is anything wrong with that). I mean, I received my SN a few months ago now, and I've been hanging around, so I guess I think of myself as having been here for a while, although on and off.

I'm having some medical issues I've had for a couple of years, and have been waiting for about six or seven weeks to see a specialist, in the hope that they can help me. They said to expect to wait 'at least 3 months'. What I really need I think is surgery, but I don't know if that will be an option. So I'm trying to stick it out and wait for that so I can either try and be happy (if it works) or die in the knowledge that I tried.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Since I've been a member, I've attempted several times with partial and once with the ReBreather. I've had SN for months but know I will have breathing issues, so it's a matter of things being bad enough to go through it. If I could access N, I'd be gone. I'm currently trying to figure out how I can take SN and go unconscious before the symptoms start.

I'm on here every day, I'm sure people wonder about that. I'm very extroverted, love conversation, and have been isolated for a long time, so this gives me a chance to have conversations. I also love writing, thinking deeply about things, problem solving, and being supportive to others and receiving support, which fills me up.

 

[Mm80]

I think some people look like they may have been here a while because it says 2019 on their picture.which isn't long ago at all really. I mean how long is actually a long time? I haven't seen anyone 2018.....watch someone pop up now!!!!

Yeah its a difficult one to judge but i think the turnaround is pretty rapid. The longest active member on here joined in 1993

 

[ladolcemorte]

All of the above for me. Last summer I failed at an attempt that really should have worked. It was not a half hearted attempt. I was unequivocal about dying and I had done my research. But then...for awhile afterwards there were a few indications that maybe there was a scintilla of hope left after all....then all of a sudden it was the holidays and I figured I should at least stay alive through those to appease family....

Then it was a matter of going back and forth between methods...worrying about failure of methods...then covid hit and everything went crazy and that was a distraction for awhile....then I was hospitalized for two months...then there was a brief period of something resembling hope....then that faded and I was back to weighing pros and cons of methods.

In these last few weeks, I have been spending time alone, really reflecting not only on methods, but also on making sure I am completely at peace with dying, and whether I am ready to accept the risk of failure (since no method is 100%).

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Even though I have only been here since February, I feel like I can still give a response. I'm mostly still here because of fear. I am afraid of hurting the few people that I care enough about to not CTB, but also I am afraid of failing, either because I screwed something up or because someone intervened and "saved" me.

The only other reason is that I like interacting with people here and offering support whenever I can, even though I don't always know what to say, but I'm not so sure that would be enough if the first two reasons were not an issue. I often think about the things I would say if I was to write my goodbye thread and how it would feel to have the supportive people in this community hoping that my bus ride goes smoothly. I think it would be an amazing thing to experience, especially if I could overcome the SI and get it over with, but... I'm just not ready yet.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I wish I had a solid answer to this. I've seen so many people come and go but from my opinion there are 3 types of people who come here. Those who recover, those who ctb and simply those who don't. Those who ctb tend to do it quite quickly after joining I've noticed. Of course thats not always the case but I've noticed it happen in quite a few cases.
I'm here after several failed attempts still largely unsure what to do. There never seems to be a clear answer for me. I want to live/I want to die. I live in limbo. This website, at times, has kept me going when I felt like giving up and throwing in the towel.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I plan to be here for at least the next three years if I can help it. For now I just enjoy how refreshing it is to finally be united with a group of people about something, even if our reasons are different. It's also just fun to pass the time browsing this site and reading up on methods.

 

[Anonymoussn]

Since I've been a member, I've attempted several times with partial and once with the ReBreather. I've had SN for months but know I will have breathing issues, so it's a matter of things being bad enough to go through it. If I could access N, I'd be gone. I'm currently trying to figure out how I can take SN and go unconscious before the symptoms start.

I'm on here every day, I'm sure people wonder about that. I'm very extroverted, love conversation, and have been isolated for a long time, so this gives me a chance to have conversations. I also love writing, thinking deeply about things, problem solving, and being supportive to others and receiving support, which fills me up.

We love your support as well! It's great having someone who puts such efforts and thoughts into their posts.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I could see why people stay. Even if the urges to ctb fade, depression in its purest sense doesn't usually completely go away and there's no stigma in that here. I could see the supports here becoming a permanent part of life even if I didn't want to die.

Unfortunately, if I found a new lease on life I wouldn't be strong enough to stick around (I'd be too easily triggered). But how others have is no great mystery and frankly it provides a little stability and continuity.

 

[checkouttime]

If I could access N, I'd be gone

me too, when i get the money(if i wait for that) i will be ordering straight away and drinking soon after....or thats the plan!

 

[Anonymoussn]

Yeah its a difficult one to judge but i think the turnaround is pretty rapid. The longest active member on here joined in 1993

Wait what, 1993? I thought the site was newer than that!? I joined LIFE in 1993!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

We love your support as well! It's great having someone who puts such efforts and thoughts into their posts.

You're a quality poster, too, and I appreciate you being here.

 

[fat feet]

Since I've been a member, I've attempted several times with partial and once with the ReBreather. I've had SN for months but know I will have breathing issues, so it's a matter of things being bad enough to go through it. If I could access N, I'd be gone. I'm currently trying to figure out how I can take SN and go unconscious before the symptoms start.

I'm on here every day, I'm sure people wonder about that. I'm very extroverted, love conversation, and have been isolated for a long time, so this gives me a chance to have conversations. I also love writing, thinking deeply about things, problem solving, and being supportive to others and receiving support, which fills me up.

I don't wonder about that and feel very much like you. I have found out the information I was seeking and the conversation helps me stop thinking about being so sad. I am happy for you.

 

[Mm80]

Wait what, 1993? I thought the site was newer than that!? I joined LIFE in 1993!

Lol no just being silly.
I think its that intense and emotional here that we have our own time bubble. 4 months is not a long time normally but on here it is.

 

[Anonymoussn]

I've attempted several times with partial

Also on this I've never understood how people have success with this one. I've tried for several hours on two separate occasions and it seems impossible! My theory is that maybe there are some sort of anatomical traits which make it easy for some and difficult for others, as I cant find the sweet spot even just with my hand.

 

[Mm80]

At one point, I thought life had singled me out as its punching bag, but seeing that I wasn't really alone gave me some strength.
Ironically this very site keeps some people from CTB.

So true.

 

[Anonymoussn]

Lol no just being silly.
I think its that intense and emotional here that we have our own time bubble. 4 months is not a long time normally but on here it is.

Ahhh should have got that you were having me on. In my defence its 2 a.m here, so I'm going to blame my oversight on tiredness!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Also on this I've never understood how people have success with this one. I've tried for several hours on two separate occasions and it seems impossible! My theory is that maybe there are some sort of anatomical traits which make it easy for some and difficult for others, as I cant find the sweet spot even just with my hand.

I think it's anatomical, and some people's cartoids are deeper while some are more shallow.

I joke that mine think I'm a narcissist and went no contact. But maybe I should change that self-talk.

I'm just really deep.