Those that have been here for a long time, why are you still here?

[Dead beat dad]

I think I've been here a while although my appearances have been sporadic.
I have had suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager and have made several attempts, some serious some pretty half-assed to honest with you.

I found this site in search of better methods and I honestly found the people here and the safety to be who I am with these feelings unlike anything I'd found in therapy.

I have parental responsibility which prevents me from carrying out the physical act of CTB, but carry those dark thoughts with me everywhere, daily - not a great place to be.
I find being here can actually alleviate those feelings and the people help me with sanity and compassion, and for that I will be grateful to whatever bitter end we may come to (or not, but I am a cynic).

I am frightened. I am frightened of the terrible place that is the world and how dark the future looks. I am frightened for innocence and humanity. I am frightened by my selfishness against the awesome infinity of time and space. I am frightened to get it wrong and the consequences and also frightened to get it right (again, not currently an option). I'd like to get better but I don't know what that looks like.

So I guess in a nutshell I'm f***ed, as I often repeat:
Tired of living, scared of dying.

Love and respect to you all my brothers and sisters, and I mean that with every fibre of my being, honestly and sincerely, from the bottom of a very sad but well meaning soul.

DBD

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have seen this question a couple of times.
Someone here said: "Personally I'd feel embarrassed to still be posting here in a year or two. No offense to anyone. "

Makes me wonder if there are people who feel some kind of peer pressure to make an attempt in the shortest time possible after becoming a member.

I'm not troubled by the question posed in the title, I'm usually troubled by the titles like, "Why haven't you done it yet?" or "What's keeping you from doing it?" I feel pressured by those titles and usually put them on ignore.

I know this site is pro-choice, not pro-suicide, but there is such a high turnover of members, I think it's natural to wonder why someone is here more than a few months. There have been so many threads exactly like this one. That said, I can understand how the title would be troubling to others, and likewise, that others are not troubled by the same things I am.

I do get self-conscious sometimes, and what you've brought up likely relates. I've been here 9 months; on any other forum, that would not be a big deal. I get self-conscious about how many posts I have. When I joined the forum, there were factions and power plays, and folks who posted a lot were looked at differently. I'm so grateful that's been over with for several months, but from the start I've been very conscious of being above-board, honest and ethical so that I never get accused of trying to jockey for position and power. I don't even do PMs, not only for emotional self-protection, but so that I can never be accused of doing things behind the scenes. I speak strongly and I post a lot, and while I've chilled out about all this since things have settled down, I often used to make a point of saying that just because I've reached a certain number of posts and "reached" that color, I'm no authority, I'm the same person as the day I joined, and every member is equal whether they're new or have posted a lot or been here a long time. Fortunately, people don't seem to care that much anymore about that kind of stuff -- and many never did, but it was a thing for quite a while -- but I'm still getting over the drama, I was deeply impacted by it. For a brief period, there were comments about "prolific posters," so I went through that drama, too, but the folks who made a big deal out of it are no longer active.

I guess that's why I was glad to see this thread and why I commented as I first did in this thread. It was a relief to confront what's still been bothering me in a proactive way, without feeling like I was being pointed at and without feeling defensive.

 

[icanhasnick]

When I joined the forum, there were factions and power plays, and folks who posted a lot were looked at differently. I'm so grateful that's been over with for several months

I'm tempted to ask if it resolved through one of the factions committing mass-suicide, and whether that would make them the winning or the losing side.

 

[Wayfaerer]

milking my school out of loan money + other benefits. Just been on a YOLO (if you can even call it that) spree since I decided on CTB over a year ago. It'll all be coming to an end before the year ends.

 

[Anonymoussn]

This thread is disturbing. However you swing it, it is not OK to imply people should've been dead by now. SS is not even only a 'suicide forum'.

Somebody mentioned that people either recover, are quick to off themselves or stay here. That is meaningless, at any given point, what else can you see in the picture anyway?

As for me, I have said over and over again that I don't want to die but am forced to die. It's never got much sympathy, unlike wanting to die because of global warming or your cat getting sick. Whatever.

Not sure if this was directed at me in any way for creating the initial thread, but just wanted to say I'm sorry if it came across this way. I hadn't tried to imply that at all and was curious as to what makes people stay for a while - I myself have been here for a fair bit and plan to be a while longer, and would never intentionally imply that members should not do the same

 

[ladolcemorte]

Makes me wonder if there are people who feel some kind of peer pressure to make an attempt in the shortest time possible after becoming a member.

Given that "what has kept you here so far" is one of the first questions asked by clinicians, and "oh but you don't REALLY want to die, you are crying for help" is usually one of the first statements, I feel this pressure no matter what. It is always in the back of my mind... If I don't actually CTB, then doesn't that mean they were right? That I WAS crying wolf the whole time?

It is a strange place to be...feeling suicidal but also worrying that you are not suicidal enough...

 

[icanhasnick]

Them "clinicians" are masters of sneakery.

 

[Anonymoussn]

Given that "what has kept you here so far" is one of the first questions asked by clinicians, and "oh but you don't REALLY want to die, you are crying for help" is usually one of the first statements, I feel this pressure no matter what. It is always in the back of my mind... If I don't actually CTB, then doesn't that mean they were right? That I WAS crying wolf the whole time?

It is a strange place to be...feeling suicidal but also worrying that you are not suicidal enough...

I've never been to a clinician, and did not intend to cause that effect with this thread, so I'm genuinely really sorry if that's what feelings this thread brought up for you or anyone else.

I think that, whilst it isn't possible for everyone, not being 'suicidal enough' is a good thing, the fact you haven't completely given up is not in any way a failure.

An unsuccessful attempt, or just not attempting in the first place does not make you a failure. There is no higher ground gained by being buried under it!

 

[ladolcemorte]

I've never been to a clinician, and did not intend to cause that effect with this thread, so I'm genuinely really sorry if that's what feelings this thread brought up for you or anyone else.

I think that, whilst it isn't possible for everyone, not being 'suicidal enough' is a good thing, the fact you haven't completely given up is not in any way a failure.

An unsuccessful attempt, or just not attempting in the first place does not make you a failure. There is no higher ground gained by being buried under it!

No worries, I meant for my point to be that your post didn't plant that seed in my mind...it's a question that lurks in my mind constantly...I was once accused by a psychiatrist of deliberately acting like a "ticking time bomb" to scare my friends...and now I worry that what if that is true, and what if I am this horrible, manipulative person who is wasting people's time and precious tax payer funded resources??? I don't think that is actually true, but it is a fear that haunts me.

I agree you are right, and that the fear of being "not suicidal enough" is wholly irrational.

 

[Circles]

My mom.

Edit: yes my mother who's the only person I even care about. What if someone made fun of your mom?

 

[icanhasnick]

ur mom

 

[Circles]

ur mom

Is this intended towards me? Cause like wtf?

 

[woxihuanni]

Not sure if this was directed at me in any way for creating the initial thread, but just wanted to say I'm sorry if it came across this way. I hadn't tried to imply that at all and was curious as to what makes people stay for a while - I myself have been here for a fair bit and plan to be a while longer, and would never intentionally imply that members should not do the same

It was, so thank you for clarifying. It hit home because there is literally someone bored and annoyed that I am still alive irl.

 

[icanhasnick]

Your post started saying "my mom", and i assented ur mom. I hoped to bring a smile or something. Sorry that it's deeply unfunny. Was all i could come up with.

 

[Circles]

Your post started saying "my mom", and i assented ur mom. I hoped to bring a smile or something. Sorry that it's deeply unfunny. Was all i could come up with.

Dude just WTF ????? Not fucking funny one goddamn fucking bit.

 

[Final Escape]

I can't go through with it for some reason. Eventually I probably will.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

Mom. Waiting for the right moment. Trying to recover / exhausting other options before doing anything final.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Stuck in limbo and I try to stay alive for family. I don't want to live, I don't want to die...I'm just stuck.

 

[mathieu]

I've failed attempts since I joined. I can't seem to do it right. Maybe I just don't have the guts to do it properly.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I'm tempted to ask if it resolved through one of the factions committing mass-suicide, and whether that would make them the winning or the losing side.

One member got banned and the faction dissolved. Just leave it at that.

 

[feast or famine]

I think someone else mentioned this, but this site helps a lot of people either recover fully, or at least put their plans on hold, believe it or not.

I was lucky enough to have met someone through this site that I became really close with. He helped me find some of my strength again and I'm forever grateful to him. He unfortunately ctb a couple weeks ago.

My ctb plans are on hold as of now, even though I have my SN right by me if I choose to go. I think a lot of people come here with the intention to ctb quickly, but then they find this site to be an outlet and find help in other members. That's not the case for everyone, but at least it has been for me.

 

[Aolelife]

I had been taking care of my elderly mother and planning for when she passes away. She passed away in May, and I am planning on ctb in January.

 

[262653]

I've noticed that there are a lot of members who have been here for a long time. That is a great thing by the way. I really like the fact that we have members who have done their research and know what they are talking about, and to some level getting to know people in part on here as well. It's also refreshing to know that some people might have found the strength to go on and improve their lives, partly down to the experiences and interactions they have had here.

Im just curious though. Did you change your mind? Are you still here because you've failed attempts? Or maybe because you aren't yet committed entirely to the thought of CTBing? Or perhaps there is something you are waiting for in your life before it is the right time? Or perhaps you are still doing research?

It's just been something I have been curious about. As presumably everyone here joined the forum because they had, to at least some level, thoughts about CTB, so I am just curious as to why there are so many longstanding members here.

I've been here for a while, but I still don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just a sheep following a herd.

I'm still here because my primitive side (and unfortunately, more influential) made it clear I'm not allowed to leave just yet, even though I have good reasons to do so.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Ermmm so your not suicidal,but your on a suicide forum. WELL your clearly a clever person ,as you just gave your game right away

See their post history. They've attempted. They are paralyzed. If I understand correctly, suicide is a rational choice for them rather than "being" suicidal.

@attribute-level-kale is that correct?

Edit: The statement is, however, confusing that you haven't done it because you're not suicidal. According to your post history, you've attempted.

 

[checkouttime]

See their post history. They've attempted. They are paralyzed. If I understand correctly, suicide is a rational choice for them rather than "being" suicidal.

@attribute-level-kale is that correct?

yes i just checked,

I apologise @attribute-level-kale, I read it all wrong totally my bad.post deleted im sorry :(

 

[Life sucks]

1) Pain, suffering and suicide isn't a competition, everyone has the right to decide the time or delay it as much as they want. Everyone is different with unique circumstances, what seems to be the perfect chance to someone might not be perfect for others.

2) Most suicidals don't even join the forum (or reddit or any other site), some of them do it quickly while some stay passive for very long time.


3) Not all members who quit the forum did ctb, some of them recovered while many actually are still suicidals but left for many reasons like toxic experiences, losing the friends and people they know here, or because of this gatekeeping mentality "you should ctb asap and never stay long in the forum".

4) Life is a loop, if someone try to take their time or do a temporary plan b, it can be a distraction although they always want to ctb. (No time, resrouces, etc)

5) Some people want to do something before they leave and it might take long time.

6) No true scientific method research and not everyone is comfortable with the available methods and the best method is hard to obtain.

7) N (see above)

--
--
--
Personally I'm staying because life is a loop and I can't get N right now. I'm trying to have fun now, I always want to ctb though, its not necessarily sad, I can be extremely happy and say "fuck life" and "I want to ctb". If my body reached its expiry date I'll leave immediately.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Because there is a recovery forum and because I have friends on here I don't wish to abandon.

 

[SnowWhite]

Had a failed attempt while on here. Just been keeping under my family's radar. I'm ready to go in October

 

[2Min2Midnight]

The only thing that stays my hand is the small bit of hope I have held onto that things might get better in the future, Covid-19 and the ensuing economic ruin as well as being stuck in a third world marxist hell hole have slowly been evaporating any sense of hope I might have had.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I for sure would be disappointed in myself if I have not been able to move on from a suicide forum in the next 2+ years. At some point, I will need to take action; ctb or fix my problems. I can't be stuck in limbo forever. that is just sad.