_Broken_alice
She/Her
- Nov 19, 2023
- 226
It is so frustrating that the more peaceful, safe for other's options are taken from us.
First N, now SN is becoming aggravatingly frustrating to find.
Oh, but the chemicals needed to generate vast quantities of H2S or CO gas that would certainly end our suffering quickly but at great risk to others? Quite easily accessible and nearly impossible to fully change that due to their other common uses.
Why is it that the substances that would let us safely end our misery and suffering are kept from us, and yet things like firearms are very easily accessible?
Why is it that methods that are less traumatizing to whoever discovers us are so limited, yet some of the most dangerous methods remain?
Hanging isn't for us, and is a rather horrific sight for whoever is burdened with discovering us.
Death by self inflicted high speed lead poisoning isn't for us either. The aftermath of that even traumatizes people that deal with death regularly such as first responders.
And failures even with such a drastic method do happen, even with proper technique, often leaving the tortured soul in a vegetative state.
Jumping does not seem certain enough, and likewise is very traumatizing to whoever we have to notify to find our body, or any witnesses to the event.
Is it too much to ask to simply go into a peaceful sleep and never wake up via a wonderful and denied substance such as N?
Sure we could try to use a medicinal cocktail to try to achieve the same results, but so many are prone to failure and can cause so much damage if failure is the outcome.
And for us personally, opiates are not even an option due to a genetic defect. They just don't really work for us, so a antiemetic, anxiolytic, opioid cocktail isn't even an option.
The most sickening part is, for us personally, we don't really want to die. We want to have a real chance at a fulfilling life, but circumstances beyond our control keep that from being attainable and we would rather die on our own terms than end as yet another homeless trans-women spat on by so much of society for the crime of existing. Fucking hell. With the medical care we have needed for so long now, and the ability to recover some without worry of homelessness or being forced into a very dangerous shelter, we could maybe be a productive member of society. Happy? No. Something is broken within us and has been for a very long time. At the least we could pursue a career helping others so we could feel our life had some purpose. We could be content with that and it would ease some of the suffering to be able to help others. It would be enough of a reason to go on despite the agony of existing. But no. We had the misfortune of being born in the only so-called developed nation with inaccessible healthcare if you cannot work and are denied disability. So many states won't even give you the free coverage if you cannot work at all.. We tried.. Apparently zero income for the year did not fall into their range of "needs assistance". And to earn just enough to qualify for that assistance would not be enough to stay housed, clothed, and fed. And would immediately disqualify any chance of disability. And the disability process for someone our age is essentially "go die out of our sight" because they think we can work. We can't even keep up with day to day stuff between the pain and all-consuming psychotic depression that embraces us so dearly. We gave up on driving years ago after almost going off the road because of a pain induced blackout. We can't do any of the things we WANT to do. We can't function is a society that absolutely destroys anyone with the cursed gift of autism. And yet some people that have never once met us get to decide our fate for us based on less than 5 minutes of observed instructed movements with no resistance or weight involved. They never got to see the days of agony afterward and they don't care. They don't care that we lost the love of our life and our precious kitty who was a daughter to us due to our conditions. They don't care that our pain floor is around a 5 every moment of every day, some days never going below a 7. They don't see or care that our depression is so bad we lose the will to so much as eat until we have absolutely no fat left on our already underweight body. They don't care that we are so miserable and broken we aren't even certain anything is real anymore. They don't care that we cry ourselves to sleep every nearly every night. They don't care that with a few years of the care we need, we could try do some good in the world. We are but a number to them. A case to reject so they can deny us any help so they don't have to pay for it with money that isn't even theirs.
We have no friends that can help. No family that can and will. Most of our ex-family made it very clear they disagree with our existence since deciding to transition instead of deciding to CTB a year ago including our fairly well-off bio-father who wouldn't even put in the effort to use the correct pronouns to refer to us after our sudden divorce. The person that said they would always be there for us and yet never really has been. Our bio-mother never wanted anything to do with us because "she wanted a daughter." The family that would help can't. The family that could help us won't.
And then in the end, we don't even have access to safe, reliable, and peaceful options of ending this torture.
We hate it so much. To be denied the opportunity at a fulfilled life, while simultaneously being denied a safe and peaceful death.
Oh how far we have fallen from being begged to join MENSA and easily excelling in math classes years ahead of the rest of our class and acing science classes with absolute ease, and being told our younger brother looks up to us as a role model, to rotting away, already dead inside but denied the peace of eternal slumber.
In the end, we hate knowing how much we are going to end up hurting our chosen mom, our sisters, our partners we are too much for, and the only friend we still have.
We hate knowing that our death would be entirely preventable if decision weren't made with only consideration for the fucking almighty dollar. Instead we just sit here bleeding, typing this, and wishing for a peaceful end.
First N, now SN is becoming aggravatingly frustrating to find.
Oh, but the chemicals needed to generate vast quantities of H2S or CO gas that would certainly end our suffering quickly but at great risk to others? Quite easily accessible and nearly impossible to fully change that due to their other common uses.
Why is it that the substances that would let us safely end our misery and suffering are kept from us, and yet things like firearms are very easily accessible?
Why is it that methods that are less traumatizing to whoever discovers us are so limited, yet some of the most dangerous methods remain?
Hanging isn't for us, and is a rather horrific sight for whoever is burdened with discovering us.
Death by self inflicted high speed lead poisoning isn't for us either. The aftermath of that even traumatizes people that deal with death regularly such as first responders.
And failures even with such a drastic method do happen, even with proper technique, often leaving the tortured soul in a vegetative state.
Jumping does not seem certain enough, and likewise is very traumatizing to whoever we have to notify to find our body, or any witnesses to the event.
Is it too much to ask to simply go into a peaceful sleep and never wake up via a wonderful and denied substance such as N?
Sure we could try to use a medicinal cocktail to try to achieve the same results, but so many are prone to failure and can cause so much damage if failure is the outcome.
And for us personally, opiates are not even an option due to a genetic defect. They just don't really work for us, so a antiemetic, anxiolytic, opioid cocktail isn't even an option.
The most sickening part is, for us personally, we don't really want to die. We want to have a real chance at a fulfilling life, but circumstances beyond our control keep that from being attainable and we would rather die on our own terms than end as yet another homeless trans-women spat on by so much of society for the crime of existing. Fucking hell. With the medical care we have needed for so long now, and the ability to recover some without worry of homelessness or being forced into a very dangerous shelter, we could maybe be a productive member of society. Happy? No. Something is broken within us and has been for a very long time. At the least we could pursue a career helping others so we could feel our life had some purpose. We could be content with that and it would ease some of the suffering to be able to help others. It would be enough of a reason to go on despite the agony of existing. But no. We had the misfortune of being born in the only so-called developed nation with inaccessible healthcare if you cannot work and are denied disability. So many states won't even give you the free coverage if you cannot work at all.. We tried.. Apparently zero income for the year did not fall into their range of "needs assistance". And to earn just enough to qualify for that assistance would not be enough to stay housed, clothed, and fed. And would immediately disqualify any chance of disability. And the disability process for someone our age is essentially "go die out of our sight" because they think we can work. We can't even keep up with day to day stuff between the pain and all-consuming psychotic depression that embraces us so dearly. We gave up on driving years ago after almost going off the road because of a pain induced blackout. We can't do any of the things we WANT to do. We can't function is a society that absolutely destroys anyone with the cursed gift of autism. And yet some people that have never once met us get to decide our fate for us based on less than 5 minutes of observed instructed movements with no resistance or weight involved. They never got to see the days of agony afterward and they don't care. They don't care that we lost the love of our life and our precious kitty who was a daughter to us due to our conditions. They don't care that our pain floor is around a 5 every moment of every day, some days never going below a 7. They don't see or care that our depression is so bad we lose the will to so much as eat until we have absolutely no fat left on our already underweight body. They don't care that we are so miserable and broken we aren't even certain anything is real anymore. They don't care that we cry ourselves to sleep every nearly every night. They don't care that with a few years of the care we need, we could try do some good in the world. We are but a number to them. A case to reject so they can deny us any help so they don't have to pay for it with money that isn't even theirs.
We have no friends that can help. No family that can and will. Most of our ex-family made it very clear they disagree with our existence since deciding to transition instead of deciding to CTB a year ago including our fairly well-off bio-father who wouldn't even put in the effort to use the correct pronouns to refer to us after our sudden divorce. The person that said they would always be there for us and yet never really has been. Our bio-mother never wanted anything to do with us because "she wanted a daughter." The family that would help can't. The family that could help us won't.
And then in the end, we don't even have access to safe, reliable, and peaceful options of ending this torture.
We hate it so much. To be denied the opportunity at a fulfilled life, while simultaneously being denied a safe and peaceful death.
Oh how far we have fallen from being begged to join MENSA and easily excelling in math classes years ahead of the rest of our class and acing science classes with absolute ease, and being told our younger brother looks up to us as a role model, to rotting away, already dead inside but denied the peace of eternal slumber.
In the end, we hate knowing how much we are going to end up hurting our chosen mom, our sisters, our partners we are too much for, and the only friend we still have.
We hate knowing that our death would be entirely preventable if decision weren't made with only consideration for the fucking almighty dollar. Instead we just sit here bleeding, typing this, and wishing for a peaceful end.
