the weird but welcomed response from therapist on suicide

[cactusflower]

It's weird. I opened up for the first time that my suicidality is more serious than I made it out to be in the past. I talked about past attempts, self harm, etc. Was not judged harshly like I expected, and nothing happened after with reporting. She reassured me that actually that was something she would not do.

I guess I am still skeptical. This is my first experience with therapy in general and there's still so much I've not discussed. I e been doing it for a few months now, weekly, and I've always felt we only grazed the very surface level of my feelings. This last session is kind of cracked open the shell a bit, and I'm hoping it will lead to a better understanding down the line.

Ultimately, I'm not sure what the near future holds for me. I'm in a weird place in my life where the future seems so murky I'm unsure if I want to even try to form it to my liking at all, when suicide has always been a more preferable option for me. I don't know why, but there is something deep within me telling me to go on.

I know if my dad were here, suicide would be the last thing he'd want on my mind. He struggled with his own dark thoughts, it's not what ultimately lead to his death, but it was something I actually didn't know he struggled so much with until after his passing. It breaks my heart at the possibility that maybe sometimes when I was with him, he had these thoughts that I'm having actively right now. I will forever love and cherish my time with him, and I guess this is the part of me that wants to keep going.

Ultimately I don't know at the end what I'll decide. Everything is just so uncertain. I feel like everything is really up to me now. I think I just need to reevaluate where I am in life and where I want to go. I guess it'll take time. I just hope on the meantime my thoughts don't become darker and darker and darker.

 

[snowcloud9]

It's weird. I opened up for the first time that my suicidality is more serious than I made it out to be in the past. I talked about past attempts, self harm, etc. Was not judged harshly like I expected, and nothing happened after with reporting. She reassured me that actually that was something she would not do.

I guess I am still skeptical. This is my first experience with therapy in general and there's still so much I've not discussed. I e been doing it for a few months now, weekly, and I've always felt we only grazed the very surface level of my feelings. This last session is kind of cracked open the shell a bit, and I'm hoping it will lead to a better understanding down the line.

I'm glad you found a good therapist! It has really been a trial-and-error for me to find a helpful one, but once I have I enjoyed attempting all our sessions. Remember that unless you are in immediate danger, like disclosing that you are going to kill yourself soon, your therapist will not be able to report. Honestly it's normal to have not discussed everything. Your therapist only sees you for one or two hours every two weeks presumably, while your life spans over a decade.

Ultimately, I'm not sure what the near future holds for me. I'm in a weird place in my life where the future seems so murky I'm unsure if I want to even try to form it to my liking at all, when suicide has always been a more preferable option for me. I don't know why, but there is something deep within me telling me to go on.

Happy life > death > sad life. If you ever decide to ctb, wouldn't you want to do it knowing that you've already tried for a happy life and weren't able to obtain it? Instead of dying without ever knowing if you ever had potential or not. I think of it as proof of struggle, putting up a fight instead of surrendering right away.

I know if my dad were here, suicide would be the last thing he'd want on my mind. He struggled with his own dark thoughts, it's not what ultimately lead to his death, but it was something I actually didn't know he struggled so much with until after his passing. It breaks my heart at the possibility that maybe sometimes when I was with him, he had these thoughts that I'm having actively right now. I will forever love and cherish my time with him, and I guess this is the part of me that wants to keep going.

Sorry that happened to you with your dad, it must be hard to go through such similar experiences. I think that's a good goal. Like putting into practice what your father wanted for himself and for you. Best of luck no matter what you decide in the end.

 

[Tulip<3]

Hey, I'm glad you have a good therapist who you were able to be truly honest with. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. It sounds like you are really doing your best, and that is all you can do.

I can relate to what you said about your dad. I lost my dad too and he had a really severe depressive episode at one point. Recently I've been wishing very much I could talk to him, he would know what to say. I'm glad you cherish your time with him, I do too. Those memories are so precious.

 

[pinemarten]

I'd imagine your dad would be proud of you for trying with therapy.

You say that there's much you've not discussed with your therapist. At least that still leaves somewhere to go. No harm in being sceptical but if there are still paths untrodden then at least you've still got places to go in therapy and see how you get on. Better than feeling like you've said everything there is to say and got nowhere. And now that they've reacted maturely to the topic of suicidality it might feel easier to talk to them about other things, who knows. Best of luck to you.