does anyone have phases where they're weirdly fine?

[blue-moon-miki]

Right now I feel perfectly fine, and not suicidal at all. Sometimes this happens, where I suddenly feel better and I end up feeling really silly or stupid for ever wanting to die. I always think this is going to last for some reason, but it never does. Right now I'm waiting for the crash back down, but in my heart I'm still hoping again that it lasts. Sometimes if I'm really lucky my depressive episode actually does leave and I can breathe for a few weeks or months before it comes back to suffocate me again. It just sucks because I know that no matter what happens, if this happiness stays or not, it will always be shattered at some point in the future. One time I went a whole year without suicidal thoughts, and I thought I was cured. But I was stupid to think that. It will never be cured. I just wish my depression wasn't chronic. I wish someone could tell me that one day it really will get better, and that this temporary happiness won't be just temporary. At least right now, I guess I'm ok.

 

[ilovecats1]

yes i have these all the time. it happened for a day this week but i knew i would come back. until like beginning of this year i was fine also for like the previous two years which was my longest period of time being "fine" since i was 15.

 

[blue-moon-miki]

yes i have these all the time. it happened for a day this week but i knew i would come back. until like beginning of this year i was fine also for like the previous two years which was my longest period of time being "fine" since i was 15.

I'm glad you were able to have that while you could, but I'm sorry.. it really does suck when it catches back up.

 

[Ganymede]

I feel like this is quite common. A lot of people are depressed because they feel hopeless with their reality. We can make our lives a bit better or distract ourselves with pleasures, but the root of the problem is still there. It's just the way our minds are wired.

 

[Spite]

Sometimes. I'm kind of feeling that at the moment and I'm really not sure why. It's certainly confusing.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Yes, for me its in constant flux though. Like I can be in tears one moment and then I almost feel an actual wall go up behind my eyes and I've forgotten and moved on and all is grand again. I'm physically strong/fit (I discovered pulling faces of mental confusion fit in naturally with facial expressions of people working out in the gym!!) and can hold down a job and get confused if I'm genuinely sociable or if its masking or if the anti social is masking.

Its so inconsistent and hasn't matched things like period tracking - and life in general is super inconsistent, so I guess I just kinda ignore and have to gaslight myself I'm fine. I must be. Surely. Am I?! And I can't allow my brain to think/analyse at all because it just spirals into tears and back to square 1. I do get 'better' weeks or days too, but more often than not it seems to fluctuate within a day, proper rollercoaster.

 

[blue-moon-miki]

Yes, for me its in constant flux though. Like I can be in tears one moment and then I almost feel an actual wall go up behind my eyes and I've forgotten and moved on and all is grand again. I'm physically strong/fit (I discovered pulling faces of mental confusion fit in naturally with facial expressions of people working out in the gym!!) and can hold down a job and get confused if I'm genuinely sociable or if its masking or if the anti social is masking.

Its so inconsistent and hasn't matched things like period tracking - and life in general is super inconsistent, so I guess I just kinda ignore and have to gaslight myself I'm fine. I must be. Surely. Am I?! And I can't allow my brain to think/analyse at all because it just spirals into tears and back to square 1. I do get 'better' weeks or days too, but more often than not it seems to fluctuate within a day, proper rollercoaster.

I completely understand-- on the outside, I am a normal functioning person who socializes all the time and is consistently putting myself out there. It makes me feel weird that on the inside I'm dealing with all this. Like am I imagining it or something? I have a good life, I'm fairly well-liked, I've been meeting a lot of my goals... it just doesn't add up. I don't know what's wrong with me

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I've been meeting a lot of my goals

Exercise has been one of my coping strategies. To the point of possibly being a bit disordered, but is that a bad thing when exercise is healthy compared to a LOT of other coping strategies out there. But its felt stressful fighting myself to force keeping going, almost wanting to get injured or crash out or something (even though I push through most stuff, more expecting some kind of burn out). But over years I've just kept going and going and getting stronger and fitter. To the point I'm now fitter than I was playing elite sport in my late 20s a decade ago. And people see me as some kind of fitness machine. I'm like no. Both the past 2 days I've been full crying in front of the weights and kicked the plates. Obviously I was alone in the weights room otherwise I would have probably have been all smiley and polite to anyone else passing through. But in the end both sessions were very successful and ended up still being at/near my PB level. Like who sobs and then lifts PB. I make no sense. And I can't explain it. It just feels like I'm some sort of toxic motivator influencer to myself. I couldn't tell you the number of people that have tried to tell me to rest, but that is NOT a good idea. Sorry gone off on a tangent.

Its just so fucking confusing. Am I gaslighting myself, or others? Am I toxic or just motivational? Is upset me or happy me the 'unmasked' truth coming through. In ways they both feel like me, but they're so polar opposites and can be so inconsistent and interchangeable. I wish things made sense.

 

[limenlux]

Moments in which the fog of depression briefly dissipates often feel the most dangerous to me, because it sparks just enough initiative to start working through the logistics of an exit strategy.

 

[miles-away]

Yes and this is why I feel like a "fake" depressed person. It's probably just my ADHD and how feelings constantly ebb and flow with it. But some days I can be happy, even motivated. Something inevitably knocks me from my perch.

 

[gattara]

this is how i feel when i get my period. my pms symptoms make my mental health 10x worse.

 

[Musiclover338]

I was feeling great a few days ago now i feel like crap, im not even sure what changed to make me feel this way... either way i look foward to the good days

 

[post_card]

I completely understand-- on the outside, I am a normal functioning person who socializes all the time and is consistently putting myself out there. It makes me feel weird that on the inside I'm dealing with all this. Like am I imagining it or something? I have a good life, I'm fairly well-liked, I've been meeting a lot of my goals... it just doesn't add up. I don't know what's wrong with me

You are not alone in this.
Those episodes also happen to me. When they are present, they feel really real. But once they dissapear, they feel like a fever dream or something absolutely fake.
Last week has been pretty tough. Did not go through a day without thinking of ctb and just being empty and unable to focus on anything i like doing.
But today - i feel really fine. Also, i think this is pretty stupid and embarassing, but i tried to make myself feel bad on purpose today, but i just couldn't get it done (that s good i guess) . Drank some alcohol, smoked a cig (both were disgusting - ended up throwing away the 9 or 10 leftover cigs in the package into the furnace for them to burn). Today i didn t even do a lot - almost did nothing productive and I also had to wake up early for a doctors appointment, so I had like 5 hours of sleep today, which way over too little for me but even that didn't bring my mood down.
I don t exactly feel happy or anything, no. But the bad thoughts are gone for now. It is so weird how one day i can just wake up and be normal.
Also now my mouth smells of smoke....what a waste of money and health.....