Help nobody will love me because of who i am

[meowpuppy]

okay fine, i'll try this again. it's a bit hard for me to explain exactly what i feel and think because ultimately, nobody really cares, because my thoughts aren't formulated that well anyway, and whatever i try to say, i'll always be misinterpreted. i think that's just my fate, i don't want to try to make my thoughts more understandable to the average person on here because i feel like that's always going to be a lossy process. i'm just so tired of having to lose relationships because nobody i know will actively persist in caring about me, because i'm so weird, and all i do is just hurt people, even if not intentionally. in my view, the only way somebody like me can find fulfilling love is finding somebody that actually shares so many traits with me that it'd be a miracle if they met me. like, i don't know why somebody would love me when they're so different from me, and i so different from them.

i'm only going to end up hurt if i even try, i think, but it's not like i can just live without love, not even of the romantic type, even though that's obviously desirable, but just, regular platonic love, i'll never get any amount of it that feels complete and whole to me, i used to have that amount, back when i was less weird, but i left everybody and/or everybody left me, so i'm just stuck here, without the slightest scrap of affection. maybe i need more practice, or whatever, but i feel like that only goes so far because what i am is just anathema to any relationship with anybody who is like the average person, even here, i thought i would be mostly happy here but the problem is that i have to temper my feelings so that they're comprehendable, something that i've always had to do. why, oh why, is the fucking suicide forum another place where i have to suppress most of the things i say because of the knowledge that nobody cares, and worse, it will actively alienate me?