I am still depressed but not enough to try anything. I almost want to be more depressed so I could go through with it because it has always been a thought at the back of my mind. Instead right now im in a moderately depressed state and I feel like I have to press on because of it. I wish I were severely depressed so that I could take the easy way. Living is really tough and I know that if I continue to choose to live, its going to be a tremendous amount of work. Im willing to do it if would be worth it, but I am so worried that its not. I have gone through periods of my life where ive done a tremendous amount of self reflection and personal transformation and I guess I can be proud for trying and healing a few things, but It hasnt taken away the deep hatred I have for myself or my inability to connect deeply with others. I really hoped things would get better by now but I just turned 38 and its kind of hard to hold onto hope at this point. Im going to keep trying but im not excited about it.
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