Spite
I wish I never existed.
- Aug 20, 2025
- 644
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have many regrets. A lot of my problems are self-inflicted as a consequence of the bad decisions I have made. I've definitely had my fair share of worst moments that I am not proud of at all. Some of my regrets are so bad I've wanted to kill myself because of it.
And I've been thinking about all of this a lot lately. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trudging through feelings of guilt, shame and regret. I also... don't want to give up. Deep down, in my heart, I do not want to resort to committing suicide. I want to try and get better before I commit to ending my life, and hopefully it never comes to that.
I have my inner demons that I have to fight, every single day. It's very difficult, and I struggle a lot. I wish nothing more than to go back in time and fix everything; to make the right decisions, make the right choices, and truly appreciate the things that I once had.
How can I let go of all the hate that I have in my heart? How do I put an end to my self-hatred? How do I absolve myself of my evil thoughts? How can I stop crying when I ruminate over the times where I've messed up in the past? How can I redeem myself? How do I take the right steps towards finding my inner peace, forgiving myself, and striving toward being a better person?
I don't want to admit defeat. I want to change.
Our time in this life is finite. For all we know, this is our one and only life. Nobody truly knows if there is any continued existence after this life. No matter what happens, I'd rather spend my life knowing I tried to do good, and that I made a conscious effort in striving to be better, than wallow in my own self-hatred and humiliation... even if it all means nothing in the end.
I am truly sorry to everyone I have ever hurt and/or disappointed.
And I've been thinking about all of this a lot lately. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trudging through feelings of guilt, shame and regret. I also... don't want to give up. Deep down, in my heart, I do not want to resort to committing suicide. I want to try and get better before I commit to ending my life, and hopefully it never comes to that.
I have my inner demons that I have to fight, every single day. It's very difficult, and I struggle a lot. I wish nothing more than to go back in time and fix everything; to make the right decisions, make the right choices, and truly appreciate the things that I once had.
How can I let go of all the hate that I have in my heart? How do I put an end to my self-hatred? How do I absolve myself of my evil thoughts? How can I stop crying when I ruminate over the times where I've messed up in the past? How can I redeem myself? How do I take the right steps towards finding my inner peace, forgiving myself, and striving toward being a better person?
I don't want to admit defeat. I want to change.
Our time in this life is finite. For all we know, this is our one and only life. Nobody truly knows if there is any continued existence after this life. No matter what happens, I'd rather spend my life knowing I tried to do good, and that I made a conscious effort in striving to be better, than wallow in my own self-hatred and humiliation... even if it all means nothing in the end.
I am truly sorry to everyone I have ever hurt and/or disappointed.
