I don't know if I want advice or comfort or what. Just need to vent about this. Sorry about how I describe it or whatever, this is very difficult for me to write, hope you can understand.
My older brother sexually assaulted me when I was a teenager. I was around 15 and he's 5 years older than me. I have a really hard time seeing it as SA, because as I remember it, I initiated it. We never did anything so explicit as actually 'having sex', but we did sexual things together, and this went on for several months if I recall correctly. I feel pretty much entirely responsible for it to be honest. I know that if somebody else told me this, I would say "a 20 year old should never do something sexual with a 15 year old", but I feel so much that this happened because I initiated it. I thought that I wanted it and now I regret it so badly. I feel guilty for blaming my brother, but at the same time, I'm so angry at him for letting it happen. I cannot imagine as a 20-year-old thinking that it was okay to behave that way with my 15-year-old younger sibling. He should have known better, no? But at the same time, I "consented" to it. I told him that it was okay, and that I wanted to do it.
I'm just so angry and frustrated at both him and myself. I have no idea how to talk about this because I am so impossibly disgusted by what I did. I am so mad at myself, and wish my brother had stopped me. Somewhat selfishly, I'm asking for reassurance over whether this was truly my fault or not? I know that we always say that children cannot consent to sex, but I can't shake the feeling that it's my fault. And I feel horrible blaming my brother for it. But please, an objective opinion would be so helpful. He was 20 and I was 15. Am I responsible for this? Even just a little bit? I don't know what to do. I feel so disgusted with myself. I wish this never fucking happened.
This next part I have no fucking clue how to even approach. I have carried this weight for years. About a year or two prior to this stuff happening, my brother confided in me that he experienced attraction to children. As far as I know I am the only person in the world who knows about this. He has always expressed that he would NEVER act on those feelings and that he feels immense shame about it. I know I wasn't exactly a child when he did these things to me, but this just makes it ickier.
My brother and I are still very close and we get along really great. We just act as if these things never happened and we have never talked about them. I have no fucking clue what to do, because my brother is such a lovely and kind person. I don't know if I should bring these things up, if I should continue ignoring them, or something else. I don't even know what kind of response I want from this post, I'm just so confused and angry and frustrated.
My older brother sexually assaulted me when I was a teenager. I was around 15 and he's 5 years older than me. I have a really hard time seeing it as SA, because as I remember it, I initiated it. We never did anything so explicit as actually 'having sex', but we did sexual things together, and this went on for several months if I recall correctly. I feel pretty much entirely responsible for it to be honest. I know that if somebody else told me this, I would say "a 20 year old should never do something sexual with a 15 year old", but I feel so much that this happened because I initiated it. I thought that I wanted it and now I regret it so badly. I feel guilty for blaming my brother, but at the same time, I'm so angry at him for letting it happen. I cannot imagine as a 20-year-old thinking that it was okay to behave that way with my 15-year-old younger sibling. He should have known better, no? But at the same time, I "consented" to it. I told him that it was okay, and that I wanted to do it.
I'm just so angry and frustrated at both him and myself. I have no idea how to talk about this because I am so impossibly disgusted by what I did. I am so mad at myself, and wish my brother had stopped me. Somewhat selfishly, I'm asking for reassurance over whether this was truly my fault or not? I know that we always say that children cannot consent to sex, but I can't shake the feeling that it's my fault. And I feel horrible blaming my brother for it. But please, an objective opinion would be so helpful. He was 20 and I was 15. Am I responsible for this? Even just a little bit? I don't know what to do. I feel so disgusted with myself. I wish this never fucking happened.
This next part I have no fucking clue how to even approach. I have carried this weight for years. About a year or two prior to this stuff happening, my brother confided in me that he experienced attraction to children. As far as I know I am the only person in the world who knows about this. He has always expressed that he would NEVER act on those feelings and that he feels immense shame about it. I know I wasn't exactly a child when he did these things to me, but this just makes it ickier.
My brother and I are still very close and we get along really great. We just act as if these things never happened and we have never talked about them. I have no fucking clue what to do, because my brother is such a lovely and kind person. I don't know if I should bring these things up, if I should continue ignoring them, or something else. I don't even know what kind of response I want from this post, I'm just so confused and angry and frustrated.
