Venting The love of my life

[l1ablemistakes]

It's going to destroy him. Idk what to do. We've been together nearly 6 years, high school sweethearts. He's dealt with his own mental health issues and been suicidal a few times too. Sometimes he tells me I saved him.

Unprompted, he tells me how proud of me he is. He doesn't know about this. I've gotten so good at hiding it. I've gotten so used to feeling depressed it's my normal state. Outwardly this is probably the best I've been doing in years. Inwardly I'm nearing the edge because it should be the best I've felt in years but nothing seems to be making me feel better.

He's the best person I've ever met. He deserves better. He's always there for me but idk how to talk to him about this without hurting him.

I don't know what to do. I think if I die the chances of him following are pretty high. His love should be enough reason for me to stay. I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been writing notes and I seriously don't know how to do his. I just don't want him to die but I know that's hypocritical. I love him so much.

 

[yotaka]

Why are you hiding it from him?

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Why are you hiding it from him?

I don't want to hurt him. I know it will. And if I do succeed eventually I don't want him to think he could have stopped me. At least now I can sincerely say I hid the signs on purpose. I lied and it's my fault, not his.

 

[yotaka]

I don't want to hurt him. I know it will. And if I do succeed eventually I don't want him to think he could have stopped me. At least now I can sincerely say I hid the signs on purpose. I lied and it's my fault, not his.

I see where you're coming from on this. You know your situation much better than I do, of course, so please take this for what it's worth: If you're concerned about hurting him, I wonder if talking with him about it may be best. With as close as the two of you sound, it may be even more painful for him to realize this was going on without him knowing. Just something to consider.