Venting hating myself makes it hard to love

[1nocares]

just got into my very first relationship ever. safe to say i never thought i would make it to this point. however i find myself in a cycle. a cycle of bad thoughts that i have been in for years. i guess i just hid it. how can i love him if i hate me? how can i trust in his love if i see nothing to love about me? he's the only one i like calling me pretty. but i still have a hard time believing it. i rarely get compliments, they all feel superficial. it's all how we present ourselves on the outside, or is that only my negative way of thinking? i looked different before and people treated me like shit. i was shy and couldn't speak, people treated me like shit. i guess i grew out of it, hate to say it, masked it. I can talk now, mostly. i find it easier than before, and my throat won't close up. i wanted him to like me for a while, he says he did. that's what he tells me. Maybe he did, i can never know for sure and i have to be comfortable with that. i have to be comfortable not knowing people's minds. i keep telling myself. i want to know what's in your head, then again if i did im sure it would hurt. we all think things we don't necessarily mean or want to. I guess i'm rambling. and not getting to the point at hand.
how can i love someone without loving me
how can i love with all this hate? I feel so suffocated. i feel like i compare myself to everyone i meet to an unhealthy degree.
when he's out having fun and im stuck at home i jsut feel like shit. fomo, whatever you want to call it. i feel like shit and i hate feeling that way. i want to truly be happy for people when they are away from me but i find that hard. i am bearing my heart out to all no matter how selfish or entitled i may sound. i know i haven't lived yet, i didnt want to. i didn't let myself? i don't know. i have never tried
i don't read, i don't enjoy many things. don't have hobbies, i lose interest quickly. i give up fast, i don't think i have many good qualities. maybe a nice face if i smother it with makeup, thats it. i hate myself. i hate everything about me, my attitude, my zero sense of worth. how to try at a relationship i already have no hope in. one month in he loves
me already. is this normal? i don't know what is and what isn't. Normal is different for everyone.
i just don't see the point in trying when all i am going to do is let him down. but maybe that's where im wrong, and this attitude is what will bring me there, nothing else. i overthink yet also think too little. i am a little incomprehensible and i can barely put my thoughts into words. i don't know anymore