Venting The love of my life

[l1ablemistakes]

It's going to destroy him. Idk what to do. We've been together nearly 6 years, high school sweethearts. He's dealt with his own mental health issues and been suicidal a few times too. Sometimes he tells me I saved him.

Unprompted, he tells me how proud of me he is. He doesn't know about this. I've gotten so good at hiding it. I've gotten so used to feeling depressed it's my normal state. Outwardly this is probably the best I've been doing in years. Inwardly I'm nearing the edge because it should be the best I've felt in years but nothing seems to be making me feel better.

He's the best person I've ever met. He deserves better. He's always there for me but idk how to talk to him about this without hurting him.

I don't know what to do. I think if I die the chances of him following are pretty high. His love should be enough reason for me to stay. I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been writing notes and I seriously don't know how to do his. I just don't want him to die but I know that's hypocritical. I love him so much.

 

[yotaka]

Why are you hiding it from him?

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Why are you hiding it from him?

I don't want to hurt him. I know it will. And if I do succeed eventually I don't want him to think he could have stopped me. At least now I can sincerely say I hid the signs on purpose. I lied and it's my fault, not his.

 

[yotaka]

I don't want to hurt him. I know it will. And if I do succeed eventually I don't want him to think he could have stopped me. At least now I can sincerely say I hid the signs on purpose. I lied and it's my fault, not his.

I see where you're coming from on this. You know your situation much better than I do, of course, so please take this for what it's worth: If you're concerned about hurting him, I wonder if talking with him about it may be best. With as close as the two of you sound, it may be even more painful for him to realize this was going on without him knowing. Just something to consider.

 

[wine is fine but]

He's the best person I've ever met. He deserves better. He's always there for me but idk how to talk to him about this without hurting him

you cannot talk to him about it without hurting him. what you are doing is probably the correct way. he will be at his wits end worrying about you if he knows

and if you have been with each other for 6 years as high school sweat hearts, and you have saved his life, then he doesn't deserve anyone better. like yourself, he deserves a better situation in life, but perhaps he deserves you as much as you deserve him

 

[l1ablemistakes]

you cannot talk to him about it without hurting him. what you are doing is probably the correct way. he will be at his wits end worrying about you if he knows

and if you have been with each other for 6 years as high school sweat hearts, and you have saved his life, then he doesn't deserve anyone better. like yourself, he deserves a better situation in life, but perhaps he deserves you as much as you deserve him

Thank you. He tells me the same. It just makes it that much harder to end it.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

you cannot talk to him about it without hurting him. what you are doing is probably the correct way. he will be at his wits end worrying about you if he knows

and if you have been with each other for 6 years as high school sweat hearts, and you have saved his life, then he doesn't deserve anyone better. like yourself, he deserves a better situation in life, but perhaps he deserves you as much as you deserve him

Update. I spoke to him about it. I had to, he had to meet me at the hospital after my psychologist sent me. He was an absolute saint like always. He's worried but not in a gross way that makes me feel yucky- he still treats me the same. I think it's because he thinks I'm not going to do it.

I feel terrible. I don't want to hurt him when I die.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Please don't hide it from him. He's your partner. You have to tell him.

 

[Melancholys]

I'm so sorry. I understand what you're going through, it's similar for me too. I honestly think the best thing to do is to tell him. To at least, tell him if you do it, that it isn't his fault. If you do it suddenly without telling him, he's probably going to start blaming himself and thinking it's his fault, that he could have done something to change it, that he failed you. At least from the way you describe him, I think he deserves to have that closure at least that you appreciate how he cares and how much he's helped you.

I know it's something that will completely devastate him to hear however and I completely understand too why you haven't told him yet, it was hard for me to tell my own partner lately. It really shows that you're a good caring person that you don't want him to suffer or devastate him, I can tell you really are a good person. But I think in this situation leaving him in the dark isn't the right option, I think he should know.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I'm so sorry. I understand what you're going through, it's similar for me too. I honestly think the best thing to do is to tell him. To at least, tell him if you do it, that it isn't his fault. If you do it suddenly without telling him, he's probably going to start blaming himself and thinking it's his fault, that he could have done something to change it, that he failed you. At least from the way you describe him, I think he deserves to have that closure at least that you appreciate how he cares and how much he's helped you.

I know it's something that will completely devastate him to hear however and I completely understand too why you haven't told him yet, it was hard for me to tell my own partner lately. It really shows that you're a good caring person that you don't want him to suffer or devastate him, I can tell you really are a good person. But I think in this situation leaving him in the dark isn't the right option, I think he should know.

You're right. Thank you. I'm just worried he's going to try to stop me. I think I've been avoiding telling him because I don't want to see his face when I break his heart.

 

[Melancholys]

You're right. Thank you. I'm just worried he's going to try to stop me. I think I've been avoiding telling him because I don't want to see his face when I break his heart.

I understand. I think it would be good to try to have a conversation with him and see if he understands what you're going through too. From what you said he also has had mental health issues, I'm sure he'd understand the struggles you deal with, the pain in your mind, I'm sure he'd sympathize with you wanting to be free from it. You could try maybe some treatment if he suggests it, if you feel up to it, to try to keep going, but I'd say to try to be gentle with the topic and don't make any drastic statements, try to come to an understanding with him. With how caring he seems to be, I'm sure he'd understand your mental state, and I'm sure he'd want to make sure if you do go that you'll be loved and remembered.

And I understand, it always hits hard seeing the painful reaction, I know you don't want to see him devastated. Just think of it like this, he'll be more devastated not having this talk after the fact, than having it. I know it's going to hurt seeing him devastated, but I'm sure he'll be there for you too and do his best to comfort you too, and you'll be able to be there to comfort him too, and you can be there for each other.

 

[Gal1ctic]

Dang. My recommendation would be to record a video letting him know how much you love him, and how much it's not his fault. Even if you never show him, it just eases your mind knowing you have an explanation left for a loved one

 

[l1ablemistakes]

You could try maybe some treatment if he suggests it, if you feel up to it, to try to keep going

Unfortunately I've been in treatment for 6 years, seen 3 psychiatrists, 5 psychologists, and been on 6 different psychiatric medications. I feel terminal. The only thing stopping me is him

 

[wine is fine but]

I feel terrible. I don't want to hurt him when I die.

that is not possible. one of the worst of many things that suck in this world is that if you do not lose everyone you care about, they will lose you. the pain of losing someone will be with either you or him at some point in the future. hopefully, there is some form of miracle and that is a long, long way into the future



as for telling him, if you do go ahead with your desires, if he does not know you are serious, then he will be blissfully unaware until that time. if you tell him, he will worry about you and possibly try to stop you by calling authorities. the pain once it is all said and done will be the same, but he cannot be blissfully unaware of your plans if you inform him of them

what if the tables were reversed? if he told you he was planning to take his own life. would you be worried? would you be fretting to the point of feeling sick? would it change the way you communicate and lead to issues in the near future between you both. would you end the relationship simply because you are going into self preservation mode to save your own heart (even though yours and his would be broken at that time regardless)

if you act on your desires, there is only one way that he can be happy until such time as that happens. whatever you choose, be it whether to tell him or not, or to act on your desires, or anything else, hopefully everything works out as good as possible for you

 

[lysergamide]

I'm sad for you.
I got my own, we want to move in together next year, or in a few months. I'd have to spare a hefty amount of money to do so. I'm not a sparer, especially not in my state. Where I constantly wish I was dead. And I'm sad for her because she also has her own struggles and I know she loves me so, but living, it's too painful you know.