Staying in bad marriages could have saved us...

[TBONTB]

I wanted to post this here, I guess cause it's my safe space. It's not advice, but it's a point of view

About 15 years ago my current husband and I split up with our ex-partners. We both had bad relationships, mine was verbally abusive. We fell in love with each other and started new lives, buying a minimal house. We've enjoyed it ever since, a year ago I would have said the best decision I ever made

But now we are facing new things. Our house is a money pit, one which is going to destroy our economic security. We don't know what's ahead, especially with the lack of safety net in the US. And, our exes have health problems, my husbands ex is alone and needs a lot of help. My ex has a paid for house he got in the divorce, and is comfortably retired.

And I think, what if we both would have stayed. Today, we would both be securely housed, and living with people who are hard on us. My husbands ex would have his help in her health challenges. We wouldn't be brilliantly happy, but there would be less suffering. We wouldn't have missed 10 glorious years, but we might also miss the next 20 miserable ones. Would "settling" have been the better way?

I know, you can't look back and everyone's circumstances are different. But for those of you who did/will choose between staying and going, what thoughts have you had?

I will say my husband would absolutely say no matter what he and I go through together is better than staying in the bad relationships, so that's a different perspective.

 

[StupidCat]

Prioritize financial security over 'love'.

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

This comes from a small view of my own but ... as a woman, stuck in a godawful marriage that keeps me suicidal daily - I would rather live in a rinkydink trailer with a man that loved and respected me than in a mansion well secured with a man that cheats on me and abuses me daily. Different perspectives comes from different priorities. Id rather have real love than money - but real love doesn't seem to exist so, for arguments sake sure- in todays world might as well settle for financial security.

 

[Higurashi415]

I often wonder about this, especially from the perspective of the kids (if there are any). Divorce is a wound kids may never fully heal from. Complicated matter, for sure.

 

[TBONTB]

This comes from a small view of my own but ... as a woman, stuck in a godawful marriage that keeps me suicidal daily - I would rather live in a rinkydink trailer with a man that loved and respected me than in a mansion well secured with a man that cheats on me and abuses me daily. Different perspectives comes from different priorities. Id rather have real love than money - but real love doesn't seem to exist so, for arguments sake sure- in todays world might as well settle for financial security.

Take care of yourself. And thanks for the reminder.

I often wonder about this, especially from the perspective of the kids (if there are any). Divorce is a wound kids may never fully heal from. Complicated matter, for sure.

Kids is a good topic. I stayed until they were 18. This was almost the worst, because they got the damage of a volatile marriage while they were young. And then in college they lost all their structure. The oldest is doing okay in life, and probably doesn't care. The youngest has a personality disorder and I would say both the abusive home life and the subsequent break up were permanently damaging for her. Impossible to say. But she would have had a roof over her head now, even if we were all living miserably together. (What a great picture I paint!!) I guess the real goal is to find a way to be safe economically and emotionally.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I find it kind of weird how you claim that "staying in bad marriages could have saved us", yet your reasoning for if you had stayed in your bad marriage seems to revolve more around you and your well-being (being securely housed), while your reasoning for why your husband should have stayed with his ex seems to focus more on the ex and what she is going through, rather than on your husbands well-being...

If your husband's ex was awful towards him, then she deserves to have to cope with her health challenges alone. If she needs help then it's on her to get it, not on him. I don't get why you feel sympathy towards someone who treated your husband horribly.

 

[TBONTB]

I often wonder about this, especially from the perspective of the kids (if there are any). Divorce is a wound kids may never fully heal from. Complicated matter, for sure.

Kids is a good topic. I stayed until they were 18. This was almost the worst, because they got the damage of a volatile marriage while they were young. And then in college they lost all their structure. The oldest is doing okay in life, and probably doesn't care. The youngest has a personality disorder and I would say both the abusive home life and the subsequent break up were permanently damaging for her. Impossible to say. But she would have had a roof over her head now, even if we were all living miserably together. (What a great picture I paint!!) I guess the real goal is to find a way to be safe economically and emotionally.

I find it kind of weird how you claim that "staying in bad marriages could have saved us", yet your reasoning for if you had stayed in your bad marriage seems to revolve more around you and your well-being (being securely housed), while your reasoning for why your husband should have stayed with his ex seems to focus more on the ex and what she is going through, rather than on your husbands well-being...

If your husband's ex was awful towards him, then she deserves to have to cope with her health challenges alone. If she needs help then it's on her to get it, not on him. I don't get why you feel sympathy towards someone who treated your husband horribly.

yes, that's fair that I had a different point of view for me than for him. I think it was just what is top of mind, but in addition she was not horrific to him, they just weren't a good match. I guess I have guilt that she is alone. But your points are very fair.

Prioritize financial security over 'love'.

I would definitely be more secure now if I had done that

 

[Higurashi415]

Kids is a good topic. I stayed until they were 18. This was almost the worst, because they got the damage of a volatile marriage while they were young. And then in college they lost all their structure. The oldest is doing okay in life, and probably doesn't care. The youngest has a personality disorder and I would say both the abusive home life and the subsequent break up were permanently damaging for her. Impossible to say. But she would have had a roof over her head now, even if we were all living miserably together. (What a great picture I paint!!) I guess the real goal is to find a way to be safe economically and emotionally.

That's pretty much where I'm at, from the receiving end. My parents split when I was younger, but we were living a floor apart pretty much. Eventually my mom moved when I was 18. My brother, who is a bit older than I am is doing fine and I'm here. Being older definitely helps, I didn't have a brain that could properly understand what was going on.
There is evidence that having low levels of serotonin before adulthood and especially during infancy causes permanent damage that will likely result in a mental disorder later on. You know, people tend to think that a bad relationship should end as soon as possible even when kids are involved, I'm not entirely sure that's right as a general rule.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. This is precisely what I cannot stand about living. For some of us, we can do everything "right" and everything still ends up wrong.

 

[TBONTB]

That's pretty much where I'm at, from the receiving end. My parents split when I was younger, but we were living a floor apart pretty much. Eventually my mom moved when I was 18. My brother, who is a bit older than I am is doing fine and I'm here. Being older definitely helps, I didn't have a brain that could properly understand what was going on.
There is evidence that having low levels of serotonin before adulthood and especially during infancy causes permanent damage that will likely result in a mental disorder later on. You know, people tend to think that a bad relationship should end as soon as possible even when kids are involved, I'm not entirely sure that's right as a general rule.

I'm so sorry. I am so sorry for the damage I caused my family, and for the damage your family caused you. I hope you can experience healing.

 

[Higurashi415]

I'm so sorry. I am so sorry for the damage I caused my family, and for the damage your family caused you. I hope you can experience healing.

It's not completely established (although in all honesty it likely will in the following years) and you for sure couldn't have known that 15 years ago. You have made your choice with whatever information was available to you, you can't blame yourself for that.
I really appreciate your kind words, no one ever said that to me. You seem like a sweet, genuine human being.
Wish you well on your journey.