Should I Send A Message to This Person or No?

[parasytes_]

So I've been planning to ctb around 2-3 weeks from now since I need to tie up some loose ends, but there's just something I've been conflicted about doing before I ctb. Long story short, there's a person who used to bully me a lot back in high school 5-6 years ago. He wasn't the only one to do it to me, but he stands out from the others since he consistently did it for 2 years. I never had the courage to stand up for myself, I just endured it all until I could graduate and finally be away from those people. But since I'm ctb'ing soon, I thought about sending this person a message on FB expressing my confusion and hurt on why he treated me like that. It's more of like a final note I wanted to send before I die, but I can't really make out what my true intentions are, or if the message will even do anything.

I won't lie, If I do send the message, I would want him to feel bad and guilty for what he did, but considering how long it's been and whether or not he's changed, there's always the chance he just won't care or some other negative thing. That and I'm not sure how soon he'd even see the message since he doesn't seem that active on FB. I understand letting bygones be bygones, but a part of me feels like I should do it as sort way to get this off my chest before I go. I don't know, but what do you guys think?

 

[FlyMe2TheMoon]

I think, in your case, it's best to leave the past in the past.
He's probably changed in the 5-6 years you've been apart, he may not even remember you, honestly. I'm still in highschool, but if I think back 5-6 years for me, I can't really even remember who my friends were. Though, I'm sure the fact I'm younger than you affects my ability to remember as clearly.
If your intention is truly only to make him feel bad about himself, you're better off not contacting him at all. I understand you might be angry, but you could very well end up making him feel like your blood is on his hands.

 

[checkouttime]

even if he had changed. doesn't make it right what he did to you.

my suspicion is that he either directly or indirectly led to you wanting to CTB. still a piece of shit wether they have 'changed' or not

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

It could perhaps provide you some closure, insight, maybe even the chance to forgive. I think you should message them, but not out of malice or as an act of revenge. Message and see...

Peace and love friend, I'm sorry you had to endure such bullying for such a long time <3

 

[Onomotopoeia]

Just let it be. You cannot do something and want the other person to feel something. They may just ignore you and you would never know, if they have changed, what good will guilt do them or you?

If they have not changed, you are just inviting hurt.

If you want to do something to stand up for yourself, it has to be now, standing up for something that happened to you years ago is a lot like doing nothing, do nothing instead, it's less likely to hurt

 

[LastFlowers]

even if he had changed. doesn't make it right what he did to you.

my suspicion is that he either directly or indirectly led to you wanting to CTB. still a piece of shit wether they have 'changed' or not

I agree that obviously this person had a huge negative impact on OP and likely does not deserve to get off scot free. But I wonder if it will pan out negatively...sometimes bullies bully because they were bullied themselves and in that case they may feel the guilt and may have curbed their behavior over the years. On the other hand, some bullies are just nasty to the core and they really don't give a fuck about someone they made feel bad 6 years ago even if that pain never left the person. They may ignore your message or they may respond in a "why so sensitive" or "what are you talking about??..weirdo" type of manner. You have to weigh the risks here OP.

I've been bullied and insulted by many people for things outside of my control..even this site is not safe from it, but as for the HS ones, I would never contact them. I'm not going to make my death about them, it might be linked to the reason they bullied me but not the bullying itself on its own. And they weren't the only people to do it, my own family is guilty of it in their own ways. Unfortunately the reasons I was bullied only got worse even when I tried to fix them. That whole thing about HS bullies and mean girls ending up on the shit side of life while their victims flourish later on is a crock of shit. It might happen once in awhile but I say it's best not to even look these people up because it can be even more damaging than what they've done to you..to see them thrive while you've been utterly destroyed. Though I do understand the quest to know the truth, even if it hurts.

This is really a decision we can't make for you, I just personally don't think it's a good idea and they are not worth your words...your message's privacy may not even be respected once it's sent. Keep that in mind as well, you are sending something to someone who you have no bond of trust with, they are a wild card.

 

[checkouttime]

I agree that obviously this person had a huge negative impact on OP and likely does not deserve to get off scot free. But I wonder if it will pan out negatively...sometimes bullies bully because they were bullied themselves and in that case they may feel the guilt and may have curbed their behavior over the years. On the other hand, some bullies are just nasty to the core and they really don't give a fuck about someone they made feel bad 6 years ago even if that pain never left the person. They may ignore your message or they may respond in a "why so sensitive" or "what are you talking about??..weirdo" type of manner. You have to weigh the risks here OP.

I've been bullied and insulted by many people for things outside of my control..even this site is not safe from it, but as for the HS ones, I would never contact them. I'm not going to make my death about them, it might be linked to the reason they bullied me but not the bullying itself on its own. And they weren't the only people to do it, my own family is guilty of it in their own ways. Unfortunately the reasons I was bullied only got worse even when I tried to fix them. That whole thing about HS bullies and mean girls ending up on the shit side of life while their victims flourish later on is a crock of shit. It might happen once in awhile but I say it's best not to even look these people up because it can be even more damaging than what they've done to you..to see them thrive while you've been utterly destroyed. Though I do understand the quest to know the truth, even if it hurts.

This is really a decision we can't make for you, I just personally don't think it's a good idea and they are not worth you words...your message's privacy may not even be respected once it's sent. Keep that in mind as well, you are sending something to someone who you have no bond of trust with, they are a wild card.

I agree the person might just not care if they did receive a message,as they are that much of an arse! I don't know how much the bullying affected the OP, so i don't feel able to judge what they should or shouldn't do.

Now i've never been bullied, it just would not happen. so i don't know what it feels like. i do know i dislike people that do it though. I'm also not a person that believes in let bygones be bygones or two wrongs don't make a right. but thats just me personally, i don't take crap, probably why i have never been bullied(people may have tried when i was younger i think) thats why i haven't given my opinion on what they should or shouldn't do.

I merely wanted to point out that just because a person has so called 'changed ' it doesn't make it any less of a bad thing what they did. it sometimes sounds like they have a little sympathy for them when people say oh he's changed. I'm also not a fan of the whole well he might of been bullied themselves, doesn't make it right whatsoever. especially if you have been treated like that yourself!

but thats just my opinion and as i said i haven't said the OP should do anything whatsoever either way. thats not my choice to make

 

[CrazyMary]

From my point of view, I would let bygones by bygones. I understand how you would feel happy by making them suffer specially when they can´t make ammends with you anymore as you will be gone. But I don´t know maybe in time it would affect them that someone toook their life because of their previous actions, and sometimes we don´t really know how much we are hurting someone else. Also if you do believe in Karma sending that message could bring you bad karma in the next life, if you do believe in that. Those are my 2 cents.

 

[parasytes_]

Thank you guys for your insights, they help me think about this from another perspective. I do see what you mean about letting this be, and it isn't really right for me to try and guilt-trip him since I can't force him to feel a type of way. And even though my past experiences with bullying did affect my mental health pretty badly, I don't think it would be right for me to pin the blame of my CTB solely on this person. That and like LastFlowers explained this could backfire on me. In the end, I think I won't send him a message, and even though I haven't entirely come to terms with what happened, I'll just try and believe that he's changed for the better.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

If you want to do something to stand up for yourself, it has to be now, standing up for something that happened to you years ago is a lot like doing nothing, do nothing instead, it's less likely to hurt

Huh? So they should find someone who is bullying them conveniently NOW and stand up for themselves now? What is the problem with confronting the past? The #MeToo movement has shown that it's never too late to unearth harassment and bullying at any point in time.

Thank you guys for your insights, they help me think about this from another perspective. I do see what you mean about letting this be, and it isn't really right for me to try and guilt-trip him since I can't force him to feel a type of way. And even though my past experiences with bullying did affect my mental health pretty badly, I don't think it would be right for me to pin the blame of my CTB solely on this person. That and like LastFlowers explained this could backfire on me. In the end, I think I won't send him a message, and even though I haven't entirely come to terms with what happened, I'll just try and believe that he's changed for the better.

There are so many ways in which this could go wrong. I'm talking here from my own experience, I confronted an ex (who mistreated me 8 years ago) and the answer was "I don't know," "I don't remember," "I have no clue." Now assuming that you get a similar message, I think it will just be soul-breaking. I doubt people change much. And I doubt that they would be so affected by the message or you ctbing that they would completely change and carry the guilt and maybe do something rash themselves (bullies and selfish people do not ctb). For me confronting my past was cathartic by thinking why should I suffer and not them. If you think this might be something that might help you OP, if you are not entirely determined to CTB, you might try and see what reaction it stirs in you. But if you know that a negative response will only make you more suicidal, then better let bygones be bygones... Sorry for the wall text.

 

[Life_is_comedy]

So I've been planning to ctb around 2-3 weeks from now since I need to tie up some loose ends, but there's just something I've been conflicted about doing before I ctb. Long story short, there's a person who used to bully me a lot back in high school 5-6 years ago. He wasn't the only one to do it to me, but he stands out from the others since he consistently did it for 2 years. I never had the courage to stand up for myself, I just endured it all until I could graduate and finally be away from those people. But since I'm ctb'ing soon, I thought about sending this person a message on FB expressing my confusion and hurt on why he treated me like that. It's more of like a final note I wanted to send before I die, but I can't really make out what my true intentions are, or if the message will even do anything.

I won't lie, If I do send the message, I would want him to feel bad and guilty for what he did, but considering how long it's been and whether or not he's changed, there's always the chance he just won't care or some other negative thing. That and I'm not sure how soon he'd even see the message since he doesn't seem that active on FB. I understand letting bygones be bygones, but a part of me feels like I should do it as sort way to get this off my chest before I go. I don't know, but what do you guys think?

Bullies are not gonna care. What makes you think he will if you send him that message? He had no qualms about feeling bad when he was actively destroying your life back then, I'd doubt he'd feel bad if you messaged him now. People are defensive and in his mind, it would just cement that what he did had an effect on you and he will be "victorious" in his mindset because what he did had an effect on you. If you really want to get back at him and hurt him, kill him yourself or his loved ones so he knows pain then go either the suicide by cop route or ctb on self. Not saying you should do it like this but that's how I would get back on abusers who made my life a living hell to the point of suicide. But that's just me.

Huh? So they should find someone who is bullying them conveniently NOW and stand up for themselves now? What is the problem with confronting the past? The #MeToo movement has shown that it's never too late to unearth harassment and bullying at any point in time.

This could work as well too, though social media is hit and miss. He needs to have clout, influence and a social media following if he plans on humiliating him and destroying him through the internet instead. That will depend though in his current state and if he has indeed any social status among his peers. If not, then all that will be in vain and you will just appear as someone who couldn't let go of the past.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

If you really want to get back at him and hurt him, kill him yourself or his loved ones so he knows pain then go either the suicide by cop route or ctb on self.

Okay... this is the first time that I see someone talking about murder...

This could work as well too, though social media is hit and miss. He needs to have clout, influence and a social media following if he plans on humiliating him and destroying him through the internet instead. That will depend though in his current state and if he has indeed any social status among his peers. If not, then all that will be in vain and you will just appear as someone who couldn't let go of the past.

This is not what the post I quoting was saying. The post was saying to only confront bullies who bully one in the present, not 5 years ago. MeToo was just an example. They can still confront even if it happened 5 years ago and it doesn't need to happen publicly on social media.

 

[ghostspace]

I was bullied as a kid. I also bullied someone else and didn't even realize what I was doing until it sank in how cruel I was being just because I felt hurt.

That's why I can understand why you want to hurt someone who hurt you, it's a valid feeling.

I would let it go. If you do reach out, my advice would be to do so without expectations or judgements. While your experiences were real and your feelings are valid, this person is not the memories and idea of him that you have in your head, but a complex human being who can't be reduced to 'good' or 'bad'.

If it will bring you closure, you could message him and ask him if you guys could talk. It might help to confront the things that happened and say something like (this is what I would say to someone who bullied me), "I wanted some closure as this has been weighing on me a long time. It wasn't okay how you treated me back when we knew each other; if you don't remember, this is what you did and this is how I felt as a result of that. I'm not expecting an apology or anything from you but it was important that I communicated how this has effected me, as I wasn't strong enough to in the past. I hope you've grown past the person I remember."

Vindictive or manipulative (guilt-tripping) words may bring you temporary satisfaction, but not as much satisfaction as true closure will.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I was bullied as a kid. I also bullied someone else and didn't even realize what I was doing until it sank in how cruel I was being just because I felt hurt.

That's why I can understand why you want to hurt someone who hurt you, it's a valid feeling.

I would let it go. If you do reach out, my advice would be to do so without expectations or judgements. While your experiences were real and your feelings are valid, this person is not the memories and idea of him that you have in your head, but a complex human being who can't be reduced to 'good' or 'bad'.

If it will bring you closure, you could message him and ask him if you guys could talk. It might help to confront the things that happened and say something like (this is what I would say to someone who bullied me), "I wanted some closure as this has been weighing on me a long time. It wasn't okay how you treated me back when we knew each other; if you don't remember, this is what you did and this is how I felt as a result of that. I'm not expecting an apology or anything from you but it was important that I communicated how this has effected me, as I wasn't strong enough to in the past. I hope you've grown past the person I remember."

Vindictive or manipulative (guilt-tripping) words may bring you temporary satisfaction, but not as much satisfaction as true closure will.

While I appreciate this post and point of view, it is a bit too mature and too formal for the situation OP has described.
If bullying occurred 5-6 years ago in high school, then they'd be what, 21-22 now? Guys mature very late, imo he's still a bully.

 

[Ren Elsie Jewelria]

And that's why bullies spread like viruses, they feel unpunishable now and later on too. "Let it go", "leave it in the past", "maybe he has changed"...
In my opinion this kind of advice is a fuel for present and future generations of bullies.

 

[Life_is_comedy]

Okay... this is the first time that I see someone talking about murder...

Bullies and those who destroy lives deserve death. There's no point "messaging" a bully and/or psychopath to make them "feel bad" to get back at them since they will never have remorse or have problems destroying people.

Not saying OP should do this but if HE really wanted to hurt a bully/psychopath and get back at him then best go after him or his loved ones so the bully finally knows what pain is. Let's be real, a bully or psychopath won't feel bad if you send him a suicide note, he's just gonna laugh it off and claim victory.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I think, in your case, it's best to leave the past in the past.
He's probably changed in the 5-6 years you've been apart, he may not even remember you, honestly. I'm still in highschool, but if I think back 5-6 years for me, I can't really even remember who my friends were. Though, I'm sure the fact I'm younger than you affects my ability to remember as clearly.
If your intention is truly only to make him feel bad about himself, you're better off not contacting him at all. I understand you might be angry, but you could very well end up making him feel like your blood is on his hands.

That's the unfair part, that he probably doesn't even remember the OP and they are still hurt by his actions.

I would say send the message, for your own sense of closure, it doesn't matter how he'll react to it.

 

[Infinite Conscious]

After a LOT of research (2 decades), I believe that each one of us, after we die, go through a retrospective of our lives.
In particular, we are forced to FEEL exactly the same feelings we made other people feel by our actions.

So this bully will eventually have to remember you, will feel your own feelings and will pay and suffer the consequences, whatever those may be.
But if you really want to fuck him up for the rest of his life, then by all means do send him a letter/message... say that he's one of the reasons you are dying prematurely, and say that - if there is any form of afterlife or any kind of prolonged existence - you will make sure an adequate punishment would be awaiting him - whenever he comes.
People are afraid of the unfamiliar, of the unknown, in addition to being afraid of death.
He will be shitting his pants for the rest of his days, he will never sleep peacefully... even if he's an atheist, there will always be a shadow of the doubt haunting him.
Do not say you're confused and can't understand... there is nothing to understand, he hurt others because of his own insecurities and eventually will have to pay for his actions.

And even if there is nothing after death, your message would punish him enough, because he won't be able to know what awaits for him until he dies.
Your choice of words will be very important.
But you can definitely fuck him up... if revenge is what you seek.
But also know that you yourself will pass through the same "court"... and you will feel as you made others feel.
Do you really want that?
If revenge is what you seek, the ball is now on your side of the fence. :)

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

After a LOT of research (2 decades), I believe that each one of us, after we die, go through a retrospective of our lives.
In particular, we are forced to FEEL exactly the same feelings we made other people feel by our actions.

So this bully will eventually have to remember you, will feel your own feelings and will pay and suffer the consequences, whatever those may be.
But if you really want to fuck him up for the rest of his life, then by all means do send him a letter/message... say that he's one of the reasons you are dying prematurely, and say that - if there is any form of afterlife or any kind of prolonged existence - you will make sure an adequate punishment would be awaiting for him - whenever he comes.
People are afraid of the unfamiliar, of the unknown, in addition to being afraid of death.
He will be shitting his pants for the rest of his days... even if he's an atheist, there will always be a shadow of the doubt haunting him.
Do not say you're confused and can't understand... there is nothing to understand, he hurt others because of his own insecurities and eventually will have to pay for his actions.

And even if there is nothing after death, your message would punish him enough, because he won't be able to know what awaits for him until he dies.
Your choice of words will be very important.
But you can definitely fuck him up... if revenge is what you seek.
But also know that you yourself will pass through the same "court"... and you will feel as you made others feel.
Do you really want that?
If revenge is what you seek, the ball is now on your side of the fence. :)

He could also be a complete sociopath and feel an ego boost because his actions have driven somebody to suicide.

 

[Infinite Conscious]

He could also be a complete sociopath and feel an ego boost because his actions have driven somebody to suicide.

Well, I guess that's possible, but it would demand an unparalleled lack of intelligence and emotional "fuckedupness".
I can't imagine anybody can feel good about causing another person to commit suicide.
And the older and more mature he gets, the worse he will feel.
That's at least from my perspective.

But of course, if LetzteAusfahrt is correct, then I am totally wrong.
But I was also an atheist 20 years ago, in his shoes, while he never took DMT, ayahuasca or psilocybin (if he had, he wouldn't be an atheist).

 

[TheQ22]

I'm not sure a bully will care.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

And that's why bullies spread like viruses, they feel unpunishable now and later on too. "Let it go", "leave it in the past", "maybe he has changed"...
In my opinion this kind of advice is a fuel for present and future generations of bullies.

Yeah but what can we do, go after them with baseball bats? I personally don't mind apart from the whole prison part

So I've been planning to ctb around 2-3 weeks from now since I need to tie up some loose ends, but there's just something I've been conflicted about doing before I ctb. Long story short, there's a person who used to bully me a lot back in high school 5-6 years ago. He wasn't the only one to do it to me, but he stands out from the others since he consistently did it for 2 years. I never had the courage to stand up for myself, I just endured it all until I could graduate and finally be away from those people. But since I'm ctb'ing soon, I thought about sending this person a message on FB expressing my confusion and hurt on why he treated me like that. It's more of like a final note I wanted to send before I die, but I can't really make out what my true intentions are, or if the message will even do anything.

I won't lie, If I do send the message, I would want him to feel bad and guilty for what he did, but considering how long it's been and whether or not he's changed, there's always the chance he just won't care or some other negative thing. That and I'm not sure how soon he'd even see the message since he doesn't seem that active on FB. I understand letting bygones be bygones, but a part of me feels like I should do it as sort way to get this off my chest before I go. I don't know, but what do you guys think?

OP, is your main reason to ctb this bully or having been bullied? Or how that made you develop socially?

 

[Life_is_comedy]

Yeah but what can we do, go after them with baseball bats? I personally don't mind apart from the whole prison part

This is definitely the problem nowadays. Men are jailed/punished for being men and acting like men. You can't even defend yourself or have retribution in this day and age or you will be charged with assault. In the olden times, if you talked shit, you got hit quite a lot. Even family feuds started over this.

It's amazing how the state and the governments have taken away society or communities to self-regulate. People could duke it out in the past or engage in duels as a release valve and nobody would go to prison for it.

 

[parasytes_]

Yeah but what can we do, go after them with baseball bats? I personally don't mind apart from the whole prison part

OP, is your main reason to ctb this bully or having been bullied? Or how that made you develop socially?

My experiences with the bullying is somewhat why I want to CTB, mostly because of how I developed socially after that. I think my depression and social anxiety stem from those experiences, both of which have gotten worse over the years. I can't help but feel like I'm a negative, emotionally volatile person, and I can't really form close connections like I want to because of my many insecurities and flaws. There are other reasons why I want to ctb, like the BPD I suspect I have, as well as health and family issues I'll leave out for now.

 

[MariV]

imo one gives to the world what one has. thats why when the buddha got attacked and insulted, he replied with kindness and a smile.
hate is his nature, the stage where he is. not yours. just my point of view

 

[noaccount]

Theres nothing wrong with making people deal with or hear about the consequences of their actions. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I'm not sure what thoughts or feelings you're describing as bpd here, but I've realized that any way of thinking/acting that doctors can call bpd, they can also label the exact opposite way of thinking/feeling as the same disorder! They often also just use it to describe patients who they dislike, based on their own sexism and other prejudices. It's more of a vague umbrella term than anything else, so whatever the specifics of your personal struggles are, I hope you can trust your own intuition and lived-experience over someone else's judgement.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

My experiences with the bullying is somewhat why I want to CTB, mostly because of how I developed socially after that. I think my depression and social anxiety stem from those experiences, both of which have gotten worse over the years. I can't help but feel like I'm a negative, emotionally volatile person, and I can't really form close connections like I want to because of my many insecurities and flaws. There are other reasons why I want to ctb, like the BPD I suspect I have, as well as health and family issues I'll leave out for now.

That's heartbreaking OP... have you tried some therapy or if not the conventional therapy, then maybe some other methods to help you deal with that trauma? If you haven't processed this, of course you are likely to blame yourself and attribute it to a potential personality disorder...

I'm not sure what thoughts or feelings you're describing as bpd here, but I've realized that any way of thinking/acting that doctors can call bpd, they can also label the exact opposite way of thinking/feeling as the same disorder! They often also just use it to describe patients who they dislike, based on their own sexism and other prejudices.

Spot on description, thank you. It's like a "we don't like you for no clear reason, so we think you have this"

 

[parasytes_]

That's heartbreaking OP... have you tried some therapy or if not the conventional therapy, then maybe some other methods to help you deal with that trauma? If you haven't processed this, of course you are likely to blame yourself and attribute it to a potential personality disorder...

Spot on description, thank you. It's like a "we don't like you for no clear reason, so we think you have this"

I have gone to a few therapy sessions in the past, but since I was a broke college student at the time, I couldn't afford to go as often as I wanted and I was pretty busy with my studies. The sessions did offer good advice, but I wasn't always proactive in putting in the work and it was pretty hard to change ways of thinking and habits I'm so used to. That and as of now, I honestly feel that I'm in too far deep with my issues and I don't see things getting better for me. Honestly I'm just tired of everything.