Venting setback/pain

[vibri]

I am anxious today. Something really stressful this morning happened, and I don't think I can handle stuff like that right now, because my body is seemingly revolting.

Yesterday, I felt so normal, and even had fun. Today, the pain from the tight muscles, especially around my back and chest, and the waves of fear are crippling again. I feel like I'm burning inside...

I hate that this is happening again after so much progress(8 days off the medication that gave me these severe physical anxiety symptoms). I'm really discouraged. When I'm in so much physical pain, I turn inward and want to destroy myself. It even feels selfish to feel that way since I'm the one who caused the triggering situation. But I dunno. I can handle today, I'll survive it, and I know for a fact tomorrow will be better because I've been getting better every day. I'm really hoping my nerves will chill out enough to get some things done today.

 

[vibri]

This morning I didn't feel anxious, but I felt extremely sad and low energy and didn't want to get out of bed for hours... I had set some goals for myself for the day, but found myself crying a few times...

After a while, once the sadness calmed down, I forced myself into the shower, and after that, I wasn't really sad anymore. I felt determined to accomplish the few things I had, one of the things being a shower.

I think the only way I can survive is to believe more in myself, that I *can* do still things I want to do, amd get things done.

After finishing (most of) my goals, I felt tired. I think this is a combination of me living pretty sedentarily for the past few months, and the familiar pain from my crohns disease, the inflammation in my body.

So, I smoked until I was high, came inside, and played a video game while my boyfriend watched. Not a terrible day, but I worry about my illness... the weed helps the pain, but...? Could I be getting worse?

Tomorrow I'll reschedule the appointment to be looked at. I wanted to wait until I'd be able to mentally handle it, and I think I can now. I wonder what they'll find? I'm scared it's gonna be bad. But I know negativity and stress is bad for a patient trying to heal. I don't want to be sick anymore

 

[GWAI]

I hope you heal

 

[vibri]

Mornings have been anxious for me, evenings have been better. However, my stomach is killing me. Why? Why is my disease active? We're planning on going on vacation but what if I'm too sick to go? I hate this. I guess I'll try to sleep?

The pain is distracting and exhausting. I'm so tired... Yesterday, I felt okay. Today, my stomach is angry. I'm so frustrated.