Seriously. How do you get through the day?

[Sleeper System]

This latest phase of depression feels like the end all be all where I never recover or go back to ever finding mental peace again.

I am in my early 30s. I work a low paying job with no higher education, savings, or future. I wake up and get dressed and just go to work like a zombie. I spend the day thinking non-stop about all the problems with not only my life but my families life and the way the world is going. I have no hope.

Everything is getting more expensive. Food. Rent. Gas. But wages stay the same. Literally,, if you are an average person you will never own a home and will continue to work until you are on your death bed because you can't save money, have debt, and your 401k or Pension is not enough to live off of like the previous generations.

I don't know what kind if blinds covered my eyes for this long that I just now am beginning to notice how absolutely fucked and futile this all Is. I look at the old people around me and they look miserable. Still working. Still struggling. Like how can they bare it? I don' want to be apart of this world anymore.

If I wasn't such a fucking coward I would take sn and leave it all behind.
I worry about my mom and it breaks my heart that she will outlive me and that I won't be there to have her back. and my younger brother. More of a man than I could ever be... he will have to deal with my weakness.

I try to tell myself that when the time comes I can not think about anything. I just have to do it. Because the minute I care is the minute I lose my resolve. And whatever I decide to do... I absolutely can not fail.

Even more sad is that suicide runs in my family when things get hard. My grandpa killed himself. One of my aunts after losing her job tried to jump off a building. She lived but has religion and that helped her cope. Smh.


I just need to vent a little because this is truly really getting hard to deal with on my own. I have never done drugs or used alcohol because addiction runs in my family. Now I see why. I am afraid to go the hospital and get diagnosed because that might be really sealing the deal on this. Idk. I'm just lost.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Honestly....I don't.

I feel as dejected and numb as ever. Today was probably one of my numbest days. I went to the card store to play, but I wasn't very productive there. Instead of actually competing, I just sat and browsed discord. I had no interest in anything, and I regret leaving the house.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I sleep as much as possible

 

[Sleeper System]

I sleep as much as possible

Yes. Sometimes it's hard to sleep but when I can it's a nice peaceful feeling. Waking up and having to repeat the day is the shorty part.

 

[TheBroken]

Sleep, alcohol, combined with more sleep - and the fact that my method is ready so once everyone is out of town in June I'll be relieved of this hellish life.

 

[Sleeper System]

Sleep, alcohol, combined with more sleep - and the fact that my method is ready so once everyone is out of town in June I'll be relieved of this hellish life.

I have been reading alot on the forums about N and Sn. I am not sure I can get my hands on either but I would like to have some just incase. I am a coward and can't Hms or Sms.

 

[Lullaby]

All super relatable.

I mostly cry throughout the day. Even when I try to occupy my head with other stuff and get busy, it doesn't last long and I'm right back to ruminating. I go outside and have to fight the urge not to completely break down. At night, I find myself crying again, but now I'm just unable to sleep. So I'm up all night; completely mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I fall asleep at 5am and wake up at 9, then everything just repeats itself.

It's a special kind of nightmare, sometimes this doesn't feel real. There's been plenty of times I've woken up crying because I know what my day and thoughts are going to be like, and I just don't want to deal with it.

 

[Sleeper System]

That is exactly what my days are currently like. How much more of living like that can anyone expect us to take before we snap for real? Fuck. I am here laying in bed right now, Bill Burr special playing in the background, and I can't sleep. It's 11:54pm and I don't have to go to work tomorrow until 3pm. I just want to die. If I had some sn I would take it now and lay back and just go.

 

[freedompass]

That sounds so hard OP I don't even know what to say. There is no suicide in my family or even fucking mental illness that I know of. So I'm some sort of black sheep I guess. I don't know if it's better or worse. Sorry for making it about me haha. They say that having close people ctb makes it more likely that you will. It's not a trend I really want to set. How I get through the day. Hmm I attempt to distract myself from morning till night from the terrifying thought that the only way out is essentially violence to my own body. And it will likely be lonely, painful and undignified. With thoughts like that it's best not to think. SS helps too. Sometimes I feel like apologising for my relentless negativity here but then I remember it's ok. I still wish it were otherwise.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I abuse my psych meds so I can sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. I get high or drunk or binge eat when I'm not asleep.

 

[Sleeper System]

I abuse my psych meds so I can sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. I get high or drunk or binge eat when I'm not asleep.

If I didn't have to work to survive and be a fake functioning adult I would give this serious thought.

 

[Slimetae]

Sleep eat and think if it wasn't for the lack of peaceful options I'd be already gone but I'm starting to consider painful ones plus family

 

[Darkover]

I dread waking up just wish i'd fall asleep and never wake up again

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

If I didn't have to work to survive and be a fake functioning adult I would give this serious thought.

Being on disability has its perks, in a twisted way. Don't have to work or go to school and I can just lay in bed high all day if I want.

 

[Ta555]

Tbh, I don't know. Each day seems like an inescapable nightmare from my own brain. I'm surprised I'm still here. I was sure I would be gone by the end of Jan. Since Void has left I feel closer and more at peace with CTB. I don't at all mean that I want to CTB because of him but losing him made me face my own hesitations and fears about dying and I find I'm slowly making peace with them. I feel like I could really go soon. I don't know why I'm hanging on. Probably leaving all my family behind and hurting them. I'm not old so it's going to be very hard on them even though they know I'm suicidal because of these so far untreatable neurological issues.

 

[downndone2]

On the days I dont work, I lay around in my room with blackout curtains, like I'm in a dusty dungeon. I work from home and ny schedule is flexible. I struggle to get out of bed most days to work but I push myself. Literally walk from my bed to home office then back to bed.
I am sorry youre in this position and I do wish you well.
I killed my perfect life several years ago and I dont think theres any recovery for me at all.p

 

[dredd1981]

I sleep as much as possible

Good call. But the worst part of sleeping for me is sometimes I will wake up and for a few seconds forget how shit my life has become….then reality hits me like a ton of shit and my heart just sinks

 

[Bigpink]

I've no idea how or why

 

[Cathy Ames]

I really relate to you (OP) and so many others who have replied. It doesn't make me feel better except it is good to know I'm not alone. I hope your 401k will do better than what you are thinking.

 

[outrider567]

I don't know, I zombie thru the day and night, watch a lot of YouTube on the big 65 inch screen, go to the supermarket--that's it--nothing gets better, into the 4th month now

 

[Niko66]

It's a constant balance between desperation and self indulgence for me, I don't want to put efforts but I am still here and so I know if I didn't work I'd be even in worse conditions and more miserable and thus I choose the lesser misery (that's not to say this is always feasible, I choose things that will hurt me short and long term all the time despite being aware because I wasn't able to stop myself). Other than that vague hopes of improvement and having some simple routines that keep me grounded like writing on a journal and grabbing a glass of water in the morning gives me a sense of control and like I achieved something, however minimal I've noticed it stops me from spiraling down sometimes. Or for instance a lot of my chronic pain is back and joint related so even doing 1-2 mins of stretches a day helps a tiny bit both physically and in that it makes me feel like I "did something good".

Other times it's drugs, videogames or other media distractions, browsing here or other rabbit holes, some times you "just gotta accept" the misery because there's simply no escape from it and the best we can hope for is that the next day is ever so slightly more bearable.

 

[.............]

How to get through the day? You cry, hate yourself and/or feel awful about everything all day while "distracting yourself". Then you fall asleep! Hope this helps!

 

[jimmy7754]

I feel like I'm getting crushed inside a sardine box everyday.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have no choice but to suffer as ctb is so difficult for me, I feel trapped in this world, I just try and pass the time until I fall asleep and it is the same everyday. I look forward to the day where I can finally be in the nothingness where I belong and leave this life behind. Being alive always feels so pointless. The fact that life is a thing in the first place will always be horrifying.

 

[MatthewV3]

Sleeping as much as possible, drinking alcohol, watching TV shows and movies, lurking on SS.

 

[alexlondon365]

trying to sleep as much as possible, hoping every night i won't wake up again and dreading the day ahead when i do wake up, eating, lounging around the house surfing social media and forums, dreaming of the better life i had before everything turned to shit, reading up about ctb methods, going to bed again hoping i won't wake up in the morning....

 

[outrider567]

Black mood this morning so did two more Nitrogen/Bag tests---Both times still worked ok, Oxygen dropped from 98 to 54 again after a few breaths, second time got dizzy--Looked in the mirror this time and my face was white as a ghost

 

[FailureGirl]

Breakfast then end up going back to bed even if have something to do or am wide awake, stay there for most the day then drag myself out of bed in the afternoon then pass time till after midnight when I can finally go back to bed. I occasionally go out to the shops if I need to but that's it.

 

[meetapple]

I get up in the morning with doubts in my head about how I will cope with my problems. Then I have a meal. I try to get some tasks that I have put on my to do list done. I try not to sleep but I end up doing so anyway. I wake up again, do my posture exercises, regular exercises, and eat dinner. Finally, I do some crossword puzzles and sleep again.

 

[butterfly🦋]

How to get through the day? You cry, hate yourself and/or feel awful about everything all day while "distracting yourself". Then you fall asleep! Hope this helps!

I hate myself and feel awful anytime I'm not distracted and especially at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I just want to end it all but I'm to cowardly to do so as of yet.