Self-Sabotaged and now I'm having second thoughts

[Puffinz]

I self-sabotaged for almost the entire last year because I planned to kill myself at the end. I failed all my college classes and have basically no money left and have wasted a bunch of my parents hard earned income. I haven't told anyone about this, my parents still believe I'm taking classes and living happily. Now after I've bought my gun for ctb I'm feeling like maybe I want to live. The last few days I've thought that that I might be able to live happily teaching English in another country and maybe find some purpose in my life. To do this though you need a college degree and I totally screwed that up now because of my suicide plans. I think I'm probably going to be kicked out of my university and after that happens I won't have any option but to kill myself. I owe it to myself and my parents to give life one more try but I destroyed everything during this last year so I don't think I'll be given another chance. This feeling is horrible.

 

[Tired_Tired]

If you are physically healthy and no economic burden. You should try to change your environment. Education maybe important, but not whole part of your life. Possible you can be a master chef. Traveling all over the world as backpacker. Post your experience as Youtuber. Alone maybe not a bad thing because it's hard to find a life partner.

 

[Fizz]

Can you get a doctor's note to explain everything that went on this year and ask the university to allow you to resit classes next year? The staff will work with you if you tell them what's going on; rebuilding takes work but it's easier when you have all the support that you can.

 

[Weary Soul]

Life is not easy.

IME - the mistakes I have made are stepping stones to learning and maturing, even when those mistakes have been so painful that they brought me to my knees.

I admire the way you are taking into consideration many different scenarios and your thoughts on giving life, despite how hard it is, another try.

From what you have posted, I get the impression that you are very wise.

CTB is, IMO, the penultimate and most difficult decision anyone will every make (at least for me it is). I think that to truly make this decision, it must be done with a lot of deep introspection and thought - just as you have shown here. (This is just IMO).

Please do not mentally beat yourself up for mistakes made in the past. IMO, better to learn from them and use them as a springboard to a better future - if possible.

Hugs and much respect to you.

 

[HenryHobkins]

I self-sabotaged for almost the entire last year because I planned to kill myself at the end. I failed all my college classes and have basically no money left and have wasted a bunch of my parents hard earned income. I haven't told anyone about this, my parents still believe I'm taking classes and living happily. Now after I've bought my gun for ctb I'm feeling like maybe I want to live. The last few days I've thought that that I might be able to live happily teaching English in another country and maybe find some purpose in my life. To do this though you need a college degree and I totally screwed that up now because of my suicide plans. I think I'm probably going to be kicked out of my university and after that happens I won't have any option but to kill myself. I owe it to myself and my parents to give life one more try but I destroyed everything during this last year so I don't think I'll be given another chance. This feeling is horrible.

I also failed college this year, but my uni is being pretty forgiving to students who fail and withdraw classes due to covid. Have you discussed with your advisor possible options?

 

[Puffinz]

Can you get a doctor's note to explain everything that went on this year and ask the university to allow you to resit classes next year? The staff will work with you if you tell them what's going on; rebuilding takes work but it's easier when you have all the support that you can.

I doubt it. I didn't tell anyone or show any signs because I didn't want anyone to know. If I tried to get a doctors note it would seem like I'm lying.

I also failed college this year, but my uni is being pretty forgiving to students who fail and withdraw classes due to covid. Have you discussed with your advisor possible options?

I have an appointment with an advisor soon but from what I've read online on my college website it seems like I'm screwed. I hope they are forgiving and give me one more chance though.

 

[HenryHobkins]

I have an appointment with an advisor soon but from what I've read online on my college website it seems like I'm screwed. I hope they are forgiving and give me one more chance though.

They have to be, because dude you arn't alone, so many students got screwed over and so many are in your position. Colleges have to make changes or else they are going to lose enrollment because so many normal fucking people cant handle this.
Next semester will most likely be just as bad if not worse than our last one. Hoping things get better in the spring, but plenty of people are taking this semester off

 

[stygal]

There's something in my country where you can write a letter to the college explaining (or lying) in detail why you failed your current semester. It helps to have an doctors note as well but it's not absolutely necessary. I heard from two people in my class who did that and were allowed to retake those classes.

 

[moonchild]

I was in a very similar situation this spring. Failed everything because well, I was going to kill myself anyway. But then I didn't, so instead I had no money and didn't know if I could go back to university this fall. It's not a nice situation to be in, but for me at least, there were ways to fix it that I couldn't even see at first because everything was so overwhelming. Things turned out alright, but it took a gruelling four months to put everything (somewhat) in order.

I would encourage you to try getting something like a doctor's note after all. It's not uncommon to wait a long time before seeking help, so I doubt they'd assume you're lying. And I hope your appointment with the advisor goes well! As already stated, you're far from the only student in a situation like this.

 

[Zenpurrz]

You don't have to ctb just b/c you failed you classes and ran out of money. It is always hard to reveal a big lie, but telling the truth may very well turn out much better than you think. Trust me when I say that your parents would rather have you alive than dead. Many years ago, I went from a really conservative college prep high school where attendance was mandatory to a big university where most professors didn't even bother to take role. Needless to say, I cut a lot of classes and partied too much. I eventually ended up on academic suspension due to my grades and didn't know how I was going to tell my parents. Having to tell them the truth was one of the hardest things I had done in my life (though I was only 19 at the time) My dad was very upset and disappointed in me, but he was surprisingly more understanding than I thought he'd be. You owe it to both yourself and your parents to come clean and try for a fresh start. It may not be easy, as you will have to earn their trust again and you will also have to work hard to reach your goals. You might also have to work to earn some money to help pay for your education this time. It may seem like a lot to overcome, but if you are willing to really try you can do it! Also, there are countries that will allow one to teach English without a 4 year degree. I know it may seem hopeless, but it really isn't as bleak as you might think. I believe in you!

 

[Deleted member 25174]

You should go to the drs and explain it all. How you deliberately sabotaged yourself to make more reasons to commit suicide and now you don't feel the same way but a life with no education is keeping in the cycle of suicide. The dr will be happy you're not in such a dark place any more and should be happy to help you. The best you can do is try.....don't just write it off. Sometimes our attempts at sabotage aren't as bad as we think when we start trying to unravel the mess xxx

 

[Nymph]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, honestly that's probably how'd end up if I also sabotaged myself that way..I'm still putting all my energy into turning it that homework at least..uh. It's tough. Have you told your parents about your issues? Maybe they could understand you?

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I totally did that but reapplied for loans (and used the fact I have mental illness) to get back into another uni two years down the line and got a degree there.

 

[issyishere]

You need to come up with a plan to get rid of the things that are making you anxious. It won't be easy and there will be pain involved but it will be temporary. Obviously we need to eventually break the ice with your parents. I told my parents I had been suicidal the past year and they understood. They were disappointed that I hid it but I made it clear that I want to take control of my life back and they were 100% supportive. You need to emphasize that if you decide to disclose that, that you are not suicidal at all anymore and that you are trying your best to recover. Any supportive and loving parent will attempt to help you. Once you get that out of the way I imagine that will take a huge load off your shoulders and you can begin planning the next steps on retaking control of your life. (: Hope this helps

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I watched many YouTubers' videos a couple of years ago of Americans who were teaching English in foreign countries. These were mostly in South East Asian countries. I think I watched a couple in South and Central America too.

My perception was that none of these were college graduates. If in fact any of these countries were seeking only those with degrees, then my perception is that these YouTubers might have easily fabricated their credentials. Perhaps, at best, those individuals purchased a degree from some bogus online diploma mill.

I can't recall if it was something these YouTubers said directly on the topic or was it merely something that I concluded regarding lack of a degree, as I was only watching the videos to see what it's like to retire abroad.

If you want to teach English abroad and are flexible geographically, then you can find somewhere to teach with or without a diploma, I believe. Many countries struggle to find ample instructors to teach English, and thus, stringent requirements aren't often enforced, I would think. Plus, some of these countries oftentimes work on bribes.

Do your research. Read from others teaching English within the country/ies that you would be open to for relocation. Lots of great stuff on YouTube.

 

[kitch]

I doubt it. I didn't tell anyone or show any signs because I didn't want anyone to know. If I tried to get a doctors note it would seem like I'm lying.

A counsellor may be able to understand that .
It is possible.

Don't create reality/ 'the future' the way you assume it to be before you have tested it.

I failed out of Uni in '82 and never went to a counsellor because I was too 'ashamed'
( I had a raft of mental illness afflictions ... depression / panic attacks .... I just DID NOT KNOW . )

I deeply regret not seeing one .