It's 2 AM, I'm avoiding sleep because tomorrow I have piano class at 12 and I didn't do shit. I didn't go last week because of the same reason, I wouldn't be able to look at my teacher in the face... Last year I told him I was having problems with studying and my mental health, I was going to fail the year because I couldn't get shit done. He gave me a second chance and gave me a 4 (the minimum) so I could go on with the other subjects that required I pass that year. Now I'm on the same spot again. I don't get shit done. It's all my fault. I seriously, I swear to God I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I need to study some melodies for my exam on August, it's the last chance to pass the year and move on. But I just...don't have hope in myself. I don't even like going there. I don't like anything. I'm so tired of living. My life is broken. I'm broken and have been for years.
Last year I tried therapy again, the seventh time I've tried in five years. I tried pills too, zoloft. Nothing changed at all... My therapist didn't know what to do with me, she told me the bullshit of ''I don't know what's happening with you, you don't open up'' ''I don't know how to help you really, you need to do the work, therapy is just a guide'' well thank you...it's really expensive also, I could barely afford it, plus the pills that didn't do much. My psychiatrist wanted to give me quetiapine but I just didn't want to continue drugging myself. Now I'm coming off the zoloft and ended therapy. I don't have anybody, and I really mean it, ANYBODY. I'm in a broken boat in the middle of the ocean. I'm paralized. No help, no place to belong wherever I look. I hate my house, I hate being here, but I don't have anywhere else... I'm hurting so fucking much, I'm so lost and scared, I'm living my life wondering if I should just kill myself and end this suffering, because I don't see any more option...
I only can cry...
Last year I tried therapy again, the seventh time I've tried in five years. I tried pills too, zoloft. Nothing changed at all... My therapist didn't know what to do with me, she told me the bullshit of ''I don't know what's happening with you, you don't open up'' ''I don't know how to help you really, you need to do the work, therapy is just a guide'' well thank you...it's really expensive also, I could barely afford it, plus the pills that didn't do much. My psychiatrist wanted to give me quetiapine but I just didn't want to continue drugging myself. Now I'm coming off the zoloft and ended therapy. I don't have anybody, and I really mean it, ANYBODY. I'm in a broken boat in the middle of the ocean. I'm paralized. No help, no place to belong wherever I look. I hate my house, I hate being here, but I don't have anywhere else... I'm hurting so fucking much, I'm so lost and scared, I'm living my life wondering if I should just kill myself and end this suffering, because I don't see any more option...
I only can cry...
