Discussion death qualifiers? (skinny, finished xyz, etc)

[godbody]

Feel crazy for my Conditions To Die like maybe they're just an excuse but… I can't kill myself until I'm a certain weight. I've had an eating disorder that swings from BED/bulimia to anorexia over the years (14 years w it now) but now I'm feeling life it's time to start working towards being Allowed To Die. I have this thought that I'm not 'allowed' to die if I'm not under 42kg so it's only a few kg to go but I just have this horrible feeling of self sabotage & like I'm just trying to prolong dying cuz every time I get to 42kg & make plans, I either enter a binge stage so drastic it lasts months, numbs all my emotions to everything but food & I gain 5-6kg, or I decide to lower the goal for death. Originally it was 45 but it was so easy to lose when I wanted to die soooo bad. The it got lower & lower. It was crazy. I have never lost that amount of weight due to my ED but with the thought that at the end I get to kill myself it melted off. I'm currently at a higher weight probably 47-48, & want to kms at 41. I was recently at 42. The end goal? Skinny corpse. It would be too embarrassing to have an eating disorder for over a decade & to not end up with a severely malnourished corpse.

Obviously starvation isn't going to be my method, I tried hanging last time but couldn't go through with it (housemates came home unexpectedly as I was sitting w noose round my neck in shed, ready for partial suspension)

Idk the point in posting this. To keep acccpuntable to myself? To see if any other anorexics or ED sufferers are here instead of edsf? What makes the suicidal voices louder? Why do the voices work together like this?

Anyone else have something that HAS to happen before you can allow yourself to die?