3FailedAttemptss
trans girl (｀・ω・´)
- Jan 22, 2025
- 220
I'm trying to make sense of something and I feel like I've hit a logical dead end. I'm hoping someone else on the spectrum might have some insight.
I've recently been diagnosed with Schizotypal Disorder after months of months treatments for depression. The new diagnosis and the new antipsychotic medication have given me this tiny, glimmer of hope that maybe things can change. The hope is that the meds can treat the "crazy shit"—the paranoia, the hallucinations, the loss of control, the "backseat driver" feeling etc. etc. (I wish it could change the anhedonia as well >w<).
But here's the problem I'm stuck on. I've already lived the "best-case scenario" of my life. Last year, I was living in Japan, just started HRT, with a great group of friends, living my dream. I didn't have any of the frightening hallucinations or particularly intense paranoia then. And even in that state, at my absolute "happiest," I still concluded that a life without joy isn't worth living, and I attempted suicide. Twice…
So my fear is this: even if a perfect antipsychotic gets rid of all the chaos, I'll just be back in my "Japan" state—a calm, rational, non-hallucinating person who still, logically, believes suicide makes sense because of the profound, lifelong anhedonia.The treatment might fix the "schizo," but it won't fix the "empty." It doesn't solve the core problem.
My suicidal nature isn't just about the chaos. It's a philosophical conclusion. So I guess my question is, what do you do then? For those who have gotten the positive schizo and disorganized symptoms under control, what happens next? Is a life of quiet control, with moments of simple enjoyment but no real "happiness," enough to make you want to stay? Or am I right to think that I'm just fundamentally unfixable, and it's only a matter of time?
I've recently been diagnosed with Schizotypal Disorder after months of months treatments for depression. The new diagnosis and the new antipsychotic medication have given me this tiny, glimmer of hope that maybe things can change. The hope is that the meds can treat the "crazy shit"—the paranoia, the hallucinations, the loss of control, the "backseat driver" feeling etc. etc. (I wish it could change the anhedonia as well >w<).
But here's the problem I'm stuck on. I've already lived the "best-case scenario" of my life. Last year, I was living in Japan, just started HRT, with a great group of friends, living my dream. I didn't have any of the frightening hallucinations or particularly intense paranoia then. And even in that state, at my absolute "happiest," I still concluded that a life without joy isn't worth living, and I attempted suicide. Twice…
So my fear is this: even if a perfect antipsychotic gets rid of all the chaos, I'll just be back in my "Japan" state—a calm, rational, non-hallucinating person who still, logically, believes suicide makes sense because of the profound, lifelong anhedonia.The treatment might fix the "schizo," but it won't fix the "empty." It doesn't solve the core problem.
My suicidal nature isn't just about the chaos. It's a philosophical conclusion. So I guess my question is, what do you do then? For those who have gotten the positive schizo and disorganized symptoms under control, what happens next? Is a life of quiet control, with moments of simple enjoyment but no real "happiness," enough to make you want to stay? Or am I right to think that I'm just fundamentally unfixable, and it's only a matter of time?
