Help Feeling nervous/having second thoughts

[frogbpd]

So I've got 300mg diazepam (I wanted clonazepam or xanax but I could only get my hands on diaz) and 280mg oxycodone (no tolerance to oxy but i do have a bit of a tolerance to benzos). I bought both with the plan of taking them all aswell as drinking alcohol and hopefully achieving fatal respiratory depression. I'm starting to feel really nervous about it though and I'm not sure I can do it. I've taken numerous overdoses before including a combo of benzos with a bottle of morphine and I didn't feel nervous at all, but this time around I do. So I don't know whether I'm going to do it or not but I really want to but at the same time I can't shake the part of me that's saying no, so I'm basically torturing myself everyday about it and I feel incredibly fustrated and trapped in life.
There's really nothing I want to live for and the thing that's kept me 'safe' in the past has been thinking about people that care about me and how I would make them feel, such as my family. It also doesn't help that I moved back in with my parents a few months ago and I wouldn't want them to find me dead or find me on the way to being dead and then having to go to hospital. I've put them through a lot with me being in a psych ward a few months ago and numerous attempts.
I have eupd and I'm on the spectrum and although I'm getting support it's just unbearable.
When I research about the fatality of this mix I can't really find much info on amounts that would be lethal but I kmow oxy is pretty strong and with no tolerance, paired with benzos, it probably wouldn't take that much right?
I'm just rambling really I don't know what to do it would be easier if I could get out the house for a day / night and do it but I broke my foot from jumping out a window and I can't put any weight on it.
I've spoken to my cco/cpn about my plan but I've been careful not to tell her I now actually have everything I need because I know my parents would get told (im not a child im 26) and I can't deal with that. Last month I overdosed on clonazepam snd then the next day broke my foot and I got assessed and I was going to go informally to a psych ward just for a bit for my safety but I was on the bed list for almost 4 weeks and in the end I just got them to take me off it because I didn't see the point.
I really don't know what I'm doing anymore

 

[momento.mori]

It's natural for suicidal people to have second thoughts, don't be too hard on yourself. I would suggest taking a nap and see if you feel the same way once you wake up. Pills have always been my method and obviously it's never worked. I only ended up grossly sick and miserable. If it makes you feel better, I counted all medication and planned to take them and chickened out.

 

[Rubypie41]

Please don't do this, especially with that method!

Almost impossible to OD on Benzos and 280mg of Oxy is nothing.

All you will likely achieve is a very long sleep and possibly vomiting, especially due to the Oxy's, but you absolutely will not achieve CBT with this method.

What are the worst aspect of your life? Is there anything you can do to make your situation better?

 

[Ash]

Overdoses, especially of medicines, are notoriously unreliable.

Have a look at the resource compilation thread but remember it's perfectly valid and acceptable to have second thoughts, doubts and changes of heart.It's much better to delay than push through if you're not sure. CTB is something you can't take back so I firmly believe you have to be completely certain. There's no shame either way. Xx

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[AllMyDreams]

I can't speak to methods but if you aren't 100% sure then don't CTB. The option will always be there later.