Sometimes it feels like everything I do ends up having the opposite effect on what I tried to do. No matter how much positivity I try to give to this despicable world I only am given hate. All my close friends (that I was barely able to get earlier this year) are slowly leaving and ignoring me, with some telling others how depressed and miserable I am. Regardless of whether I were the richest or poorest man in the world, I'd rather be dead. I don't just hate my life, I hate life itself. I have living and experiencing terrible things, just to be told there's worse out there that's not happening to me. They say be grateful but I don't even experience joy. I wish I got a terminal illness to apply for medically assisted death because I'm too much of a coward to take this into my own hands. I keep cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting. My only true friend who's stuck beside me for years is my pillow. Sometimes I talk to myself and to my pillow, but that's also crept into my workplace (first job) where I mumble to myself. I can't do anything but cut myself I feel so stressed all the time I just want to die but I want to go out in peace instead of going out while stressed 24/7. Anyways idk what to do to calm myself down and continue existing in this world but cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut and ITS NOT EVEN AN ADDICTION BECAUSE I STOPPED FOR 5 MONTHS
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