Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[T90-Alpha]

Seven

i can't deal with this shit much longer

 

[may13]

Solid 10 for quite a while now. I remember a therapist once saying that "you know shit is getting real when you have a plan".

That plan has been in place for quite a long time now. All the necessary supplies are here. SN has been tested. I even established why I'll be unavailable by phone for a few days with all my friends and family a month ago. Backcountry camping trip…

Changed the locks on my front and back doors today (a few of my friends and my girlfriend have the now obsolete keys to my house).

Starting Meto regiment Wednesday morning. I've been eating basically nothing but raw almonds and Ensure for a week.

PTSD is a motherfucker.


User name checks out.

 

[StarryStarry]

10 - I absolutely hate myself for being such a fool and now I'm in so much emotional pain I can't stand it.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

9.8. Getting very close to making the final steps.

 

[Squiddy]

6. A little bit lower today. I started my new position at my new job overnight and so far, it isn't bad. Hopefully I can sleep in the morning

 

[MsMaudlin]

9 I'm nearly ready. Just need to test my SN but I'm sure it's the good stuff.

❤

 

[ImsooDone1N]

9.5 I'm really done and ready to go.

 

[JustDie]

9.5
want to try SN today

 

[alexlondon365]

mine are 8-9 today, the hopelessness of my future life is weighing heavily again

 

[Hans Voralberg]

0 Ladies and gentelmens i have done it i am free

 

[noname223]

5. Less suicidal but more manic. I only slept 5 hours and studied way too much. Gonna take this evening a half benzo and a half Z-medication. The next 2 days will be very stressful. Maybe the whole week. Maybe I should reduce the courses but then college will take extreme long. It is all only a charade but my therapist seriously thought this would work. Lmao.

I have surrendered a long time ago. But I just keep pushing me. I think this is partly pathological. At least I got rid of the medication with the worst side effects. It is 2 months ago I stopped taken it but II still have side effects of it. Though they are (way) less. I am glad for that. This is probably the best thing that happened to me during the last few months.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

Currently at an 8 and and skyrocketing. Surprising, this weekend has actually been much better than expected. However, while I am now a 'mostly WFH' employee, I do have to go to the office on Tue for a large planning meeting -- pretty much everyone in this office is being asked to come in for it. I have not had to interact with my coworkers in person in a bit over 2 years. I am not a social person in an way and I suck at small talk. Back when most of us worked the majority of the time in the office, I avoided all non-work related conversations with people. Add to that the fact that I have gained quite a bit of weight over these last couple of years and I really don't want anyone to even see me. I was overweight before, but now I see myself as more of a beached whale. So now I am almost in a state of panic at the thought of having to go back and interact with folks in person.

 

[Squiddy]

7, a number up from the last time I posted. Adjusting to the sleep schedule of the night shift has me a little more depressed than usual. Hopefully I can adjust. I've slept most of the day away and I have to start getting ready in an hour. My eyes are red and swollen as hell. My mom thought I was high, but luckily didn't drug test me even though I wasn't, but still have weed in me from a few days ago.

If I can't adjust to the schedule, idk what I'll do because this is the only job I feel like I can do with my cognitive issues. Ctb is still very much an option on the table for me

 

[WorthlessTrash]

9.5. No point in anything. My triggers make me feel demoralized. I really want to just stab myself.

 

[Squiddy]

Still a 7. I ended up fucking up at my new job yet again. I reorganized the shelves wrong again for the 3rd time and I ended up saying oh when my supervisor said I did it wrong and she said oh my God under her breath. I'm also apparently slow stocking the shelves. I really hope I don't get fired because this is the only job I feel like I can do. If I do and can't find another job fast, then I think I'll be done because I've had enough of constantly failing at life. The things that were keeping me here are mostly gone besides my SI and a few friends

 

[y0dha]

8.5
I have been getting ready for a month and half, I still have some tiny part of me that has still a bit of hope but this hope is not rational. Rationally I know i'm fucked so I just need to muster the courage soon.

 

[not_ready]

8 :(

 

[Lullaby]

9.

Pushed myself to get up and outside…a few minutes later, some kid on a school bus leans out the window, calls me an ugly bitch and spits at me.

Yeah, I'm over this.

 

[FreedAtLast]

7.5

I just don't care about working hard to become happy and get whatever I want in life cause it's a neverending cycle. I have almost ctb a month ago but the man who was supposed to deliver the SN to me was making it hard for me to receive it so I just let it send back w/o a refund. I'm very impulsive and have no doubt that I would wanna use it as soon as I felt a bit depressive. But things won't get better (and even if they do for me the world will still be a fucked up place forever) so idk why I still wait and wait.

 

[outrider567]

9 this morning while in the car--maybe an 8 now

 

[WorthlessTrash]

9.5. Wtf am i doing still alive?

 

[Nyktalgia]

8/10. Thinking about sipping some salty water soon.

 

[BrokenLine]

9 i cant take this anymore, there too much I just cant deal with it.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

While I am still slightly in a panic about going to the office tomorrow, I have reverted to a fairly numb state, which actually decreases my desire to die - so I'm probably down to a 1 or 2 at the moment.

 

[Squiddy]

7.5. If I had to apply for a job again, I probably would've done part time as this full time is a little too much for me and my sleep schedule is once again fucked up from night shift. I'm trying to get used to it and hopefully I do. I'm so tired (mentally and physically). My mom also almost called the cops on me last night because I forgot to call her when I got to my job and she wants me to call when I get there (she's really overprotective)

 

[allesistgut]

10

 

[noname223]

5. Again manic but I could sleep well yesterday. Though only because of the addictive sleep medication. Today I try it without it. I am scared. This week will be so exhaustive and triggering. I am really desperate. I am fighting like an idiot but it is obvious I can't win. I am glad I have this forum. I am so tired and my life is so cynical. At least I can cry here about my painful emotions.

I gained weight which fucks me up a lot. Maybe due to the increase of the new medication. I hope it is only coincidence. I enjoyed not being hungry 24/7. I just eat carrots to decrease my hunger. Maybe even this is too much.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

5 … treading water

 

[αmber]

8/10 at this moment I'd say

 

[WorthlessTrash]

9.5. I see no future abd i feel like a broken record.