lostmylove
Specialist
- Apr 1, 2022
- 304
SelflessBurden
New Member
- May 11, 2022
- 4
9, I fell behind my classmates. I was a star student and one of the pride of my family, but when pandemic hit I became a burden to everyone, especially my family, that I knew. I want to end myself not only for my pain to end but for theirs too.
Out of scale. Have not read all the threads though, guess not the only one. Utterly overwhelmed by guilt and shame, feeling like I am living in added time since I should have departed long time ago.
5. Feeling still quite manic. Today is my day without addictive medication. Quite scared about the night. I am sleeping very bad without it. I wake up myriads of times.
Moreover I am scared about the appointment with my therapist. I just don't have the energy for this drama.
Moreover I am scared about the appointment with my therapist. I just don't have the energy for this drama.
1 at the moment. Family, job so everything is ok. Not sure how many more 10's I can take, came close before. Thc edibles changed my life for the better. No meds.
natali4
Student
- May 24, 2021
- 147
Niko66
Specialist
- Dec 6, 2021
- 352
6,5. My life is so insane. I am ashamed about that...but the notion my current therapist talked with my former therapist was only delusional. I am quite often delusional recently. And it scares the shit out of me. I really have huge problems currently. I am also quite manic.
Next week I will have an extremely stressful event. I will take 1 mg lorazepam but the last time it did not really work. Manic and benzos seem to increase my performance a lot. Depressive mixed with manic symptoms and benzos is still only a cluster fuck. I am scared about this event a lot. I am really anxious it could trigger a manic episode. I will ruminate so much. I think I will fail even with benzos. My main problem is anxiety and a paralyzing self-consciousness. I won't go into details I am scared about doxxing. But this event normally triggers me a lot.
The only good thing. I could sleep last night without addictive medication. Today I will take them again. Maybe I am already in a manic episode. This would probably be the death sentence for me. Mania often feels like an extreme inner heat. Though the weather is really hot recently. So it is pretty difficult to differentiate.
This all so scary. I will probably kill me after my next manic episode. I am so anxious about the psychosomatic pain. Nothing is more cruel than that.
Next week I will have an extremely stressful event. I will take 1 mg lorazepam but the last time it did not really work. Manic and benzos seem to increase my performance a lot. Depressive mixed with manic symptoms and benzos is still only a cluster fuck. I am scared about this event a lot. I am really anxious it could trigger a manic episode. I will ruminate so much. I think I will fail even with benzos. My main problem is anxiety and a paralyzing self-consciousness. I won't go into details I am scared about doxxing. But this event normally triggers me a lot.
The only good thing. I could sleep last night without addictive medication. Today I will take them again. Maybe I am already in a manic episode. This would probably be the death sentence for me. Mania often feels like an extreme inner heat. Though the weather is really hot recently. So it is pretty difficult to differentiate.
This all so scary. I will probably kill me after my next manic episode. I am so anxious about the psychosomatic pain. Nothing is more cruel than that.
Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 650
9.
I would really rather just die than continue to deal with anymore of the bs that keeps being thrown my way. I wish I had the courage to do it.
I would really rather just die than continue to deal with anymore of the bs that keeps being thrown my way. I wish I had the courage to do it.
FreedAtLast
Member
- Apr 12, 2022
- 6
8. Caught covid for the first time in two years. Should add this to my ironic "Things I'm Glad I Stayed Alive For" list so I can laugh when I finally ctb that I kept postponing it expecting things in my life or the world to get good.
W3akCr3atur3
Empty and hollow
- Aug 3, 2020
- 357
Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 650
10. Finally pushing myself to plan things out.
10--Awful day today, dreading it for months--Went to the Dentist for a checkup today, all is fine teeth-wise, but Patti(a dental hygenist herself before retiring)and I always used to go together, this Dentist was a close friend of hers, all at the office expressed their condolences, and I just lost it after the appointment was finished as I was in the car and saw the school yard where she used to go to school as a kid.....couldn't stop crying on the Interstate....if I had a gun in the car, I woulda blown my brains out
Hirokami
Out of order
- Feb 21, 2021
- 607
7. I don't have plans, though the feelings are pretty intense. I feel like I don't deserve to live anymore. If I had N, it probably would've been a 10.
9. Notes are done and things are all ready. I'm mostly getting high on whatever I can find to deal with this until the day comes. I'm terrified of what comes next but I am so ready to rest.
Squiddy
Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
- Sep 4, 2019
- 5,903
7. Feeling slightly better than the last time I worked a few days ago, but kind of sad. I just have a bad feeling things are going to go downhill for me even more. I kind of want to go cry currently
☆AwaitingEntropy☆
Snuffing the Light Out
- Nov 6, 2021
- 208
7, rough day, but I'm in the process of planning things out, which is soothing
Unpleasant surprise today--Went to the door and a package was there, addressed to Patti despite her passing away 4 months ago--It was just some shampoo for her thinning hair, but I broke down pretty quick and hit a 10 on the CTB scale
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
9, partially because I don't see a point in going forward.
Squiddy
Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
- Sep 4, 2019
- 5,903
7.5, up a little bit from a few hours ago. My other supervisor is saying my stocking is still pretty slow :( idk if I'll ever get faster and it hurts because I feel this is the only job I can do with my cognitive issues. I feel like a failure and am pathetic. I keep forgetting what aisle I'm in when stocking and I keep going down the wrong aisle sometimes wasting more time. I want to cry right now, but I'm around co workers so I have to wait a few hours. This life is hell. My family member told me that I should thank my parents for creating me, but I really want to curse them out for creating me. I'm a mistake and should have been aborted 
Salvation_
"Please, finish my story."
- Nov 25, 2020
- 234
FractalTears
Member
- Feb 4, 2022
- 51
Doormat
Life is never so bad that it can't get any worse
- May 22, 2020
- 86
I live at 6 but it shoots up with every little challenge. I use avoidance to control it. Fed up with it.
7. Would like this pain to end sooner rather than later…
Squiddy
Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
- Sep 4, 2019
- 5,903
8. Stocking slow again tonight and I'll probably be told off by my supervisor. I'll probably be fired in a few weeks or so and when that happens, I might ctb. I'm tired of suffering in this horrible hell
T90-Alpha
Hopeless
- Apr 21, 2022
- 139
9: i don't have anybody to fucking talk to anymore, and it is driving me insane. i just wan't someone to listen to my fustrations in life. i have nobody, and it is all my fault. i don't have much time left. im planning to ctb in august after summer. i can't live like this, alone in my room all day, doing absolutely fucking nothing all day long. why can't i find anybody to talk to. :(
View attachment yt5s.com-gondola box-(480p).mp4
View attachment yt5s.com-gondola box-(480p).mp4
the_phoenix_project
Member
- Aug 9, 2020
- 13
5, I guess?
It's my 30th birthday and I feel like my life is slowly improving for the better, but it's still pretty miserable compared to people my age. I don't have any social life and the few friends I know are not that close to me. On top of that I probably have undiagnosed autism or some kind of personality disorder, or maybe both.
It's my 30th birthday and I feel like my life is slowly improving for the better, but it's still pretty miserable compared to people my age. I don't have any social life and the few friends I know are not that close to me. On top of that I probably have undiagnosed autism or some kind of personality disorder, or maybe both.
6,5. Really not feeling good right now. I am really triggered but I don't want to talk openly about it due to the fear of getting doxxed. There are different things that trigger me. I took half a benzo I hope it helps.
I am feeling so fucking anxious right now. It is really hard to bear. I try to relax and enjoy the music. I am self-loathing me right now on a very high level. But typing these words help me to reflect on it. It gives me a certain distance to it. Maybe not all of my fear are rational. I hope I can make it through the next days. My life is so fucking insane. But not in the good manner.
The pressure I am doing to myself is very inhuman. I can barely cope with it.
I am feeling so fucking anxious right now. It is really hard to bear. I try to relax and enjoy the music. I am self-loathing me right now on a very high level. But typing these words help me to reflect on it. It gives me a certain distance to it. Maybe not all of my fear are rational. I hope I can make it through the next days. My life is so fucking insane. But not in the good manner.
The pressure I am doing to myself is very inhuman. I can barely cope with it.
