VoidDesirer22
A dream inside a locked room
- Sep 6, 2021
- 673
9.
And 10 is on the horizon when I ctb very soon.
And 10 is on the horizon when I ctb very soon.
Went past a store today while in the car, a store we used to go in together, so then just lost it again, put me at 9.5 on the suicide meter for awhile
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
5,5. The disaster of yesterday showed me that my situation is hopeless. I am so fucking fragile. And nothing helps. No medication increased my stability in a sufficient way. FUCK MY LIFE. I am so angry about my parents who abused me. I described the hopeless situation yesterday in off-topic. One of my somatic issues seem to be solved though. However another one emerged. I develop a scar and nothing helps. I won't go into details but I went 3 times to an expert to fix the problem (like today) and I think he just made it worse. I am fucked up. This is all so cynical.
The only positive is: today was a chillling day. I think the benzo which I took yesterday still had an influence on me. It felt great that it decreased my anxiety and mania. But they are extremely dangerous. I am very careful not to become an addict. An addiction on benzos might kill me.
The only positive is: today was a chillling day. I think the benzo which I took yesterday still had an influence on me. It felt great that it decreased my anxiety and mania. But they are extremely dangerous. I am very careful not to become an addict. An addiction on benzos might kill me.
Bedrock48
Dreadful damage, dreadful destiny
- Feb 1, 2021
- 540
Definitely a 10 but I think I'm going to reach for help. As I said in a previous thread one of the questions I've been asking myself is "will this person cope?". I thought the answer was yes but it might actually be a no.
If I don't get help or the help is shit then I know what could happen. Trying not to think of that.
If I don't get help or the help is shit then I know what could happen. Trying not to think of that.
Catloaf
disabled • slowly withering away 🍂
- Aug 14, 2021
- 504
Catloaf
disabled • slowly withering away 🍂
- Aug 14, 2021
- 504
6. I am feeling very sad and empty. I am feeling very fragile. I am very scared what will happen next week. I have the feeling I can't cope with it. Very desperate.
7 I dont have any joy or motivation. The death of my mom I cannot accept. I am seeing the end, but not There now
loststar
Just looking for the way
- Apr 18, 2022
- 56
9. Its nearly always thoughts of dieing but ocasionaly a random distraction will pop into my head
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
8. I'm sure death is best but not ready to commit to it.
6. Growing sense of fatigue and inability to carry on.
Squiddy
Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
- Sep 4, 2019
- 5,903
7. I feel pathetic. My auditory memory and listening skills are so bad, my life is a joke. I fucked up at my job trying to listen to customers and my ADHD med isn't working. I hope I die in my sleep tonight
OnlyTheWind
Serena / Meatball head
- Aug 29, 2020
- 962
Each morning I wake up, I instantly become a 9
DunnoWhyButYeah
~*-*~
- Apr 3, 2020
- 374
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
7.5. Today is not the day, but if someone threatened to shoot and kill me, I'd let them.
Bad day today--Dermatologist appt, same one I always brought her to--We always went together, rough as hell going alone, the memories--9.5 today
6,5 Really crazy-ass rollercoaster today. I repeated for hours "I gonna kill myself" in order not to get too excited and manic about life. Women can make me go insane. Just fuck my mind. This is all so cynical. I hope my mania decreases soon. I will take more medication. I need a break.
Squiddy
Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
- Sep 4, 2019
- 5,903
6.5. I ended up switching departments at my job to a less customer interaction position. It's kind of boring as all I'm doing is reorganizing and putting stuff back where they belong, but at least I don't have to really talk to anyone and use my brain since my cognition issues are pretty bad.
VoidDesirer22
A dream inside a locked room
- Sep 6, 2021
- 673
8. Even though I'm dying in a few days, the thoughts have actually decreased since all preparation is complete.
A bowl dropped this morning and I heard a scream inside of the clattering sound. Probably the sound my mother will make.
I do feel guilty, but it is not possible to live for other people. That is a hostage situation.
A bowl dropped this morning and I heard a scream inside of the clattering sound. Probably the sound my mother will make.
I do feel guilty, but it is not possible to live for other people. That is a hostage situation.
5. Damn I am so mentally fucked. I am not fully sane. I had to evaluate for my therapist how I am feeling/also my sanity. Normally I really dislike to lie about that. But I think positive feedback is important for him to get rewarded. So I Iied. I don't blame him. I am not proud of that and I would not recommend it to anyone. It just did not do any difference in this instance.
My thoughts are just insane. It is just so insane. Suicide this...suicide that...etc. etc. What the fuck? I am a wreck. And yes I am taking my medication...
My thoughts are just insane. It is just so insane. Suicide this...suicide that...etc. etc. What the fuck? I am a wreck. And yes I am taking my medication...
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
4. Not much suicidality but very vulnerable. I go way beyond my limit. My mom gives me a guilty conscience instead of comforting me. I am very sensitive to pressure she just makes it worse.
Tomorrow will be a very very stressful day. I take emergency medication tonight. (a half benzo and a half Z-medication). I more or less seriously consider to take more emergency medication maybe it would help me to ease the anxiety/paranoia concerning the girl I have met.
I don't think I am on the edge of addiction. I never was addicted except to the internet. But on the other hand I could increase my Seroquel. It would not make an addict but it has nasty side effects (and for me it is not that big of a help.)
I try to relax. The best trick for me to prevent mania is reminding me of my major depression. No joke I always tell to myself "I am going to kill myself". This is the only thing that helps in order not to get into the manic thinking pattern. I did not say that that concretely to my therapist. But I have told him I don't feel like I am fully sane. I only paraphrased it. I feel ashamed my brain is so ill.
Tomorrow will be a very very stressful day. I take emergency medication tonight. (a half benzo and a half Z-medication). I more or less seriously consider to take more emergency medication maybe it would help me to ease the anxiety/paranoia concerning the girl I have met.
I don't think I am on the edge of addiction. I never was addicted except to the internet. But on the other hand I could increase my Seroquel. It would not make an addict but it has nasty side effects (and for me it is not that big of a help.)
I try to relax. The best trick for me to prevent mania is reminding me of my major depression. No joke I always tell to myself "I am going to kill myself". This is the only thing that helps in order not to get into the manic thinking pattern. I did not say that that concretely to my therapist. But I have told him I don't feel like I am fully sane. I only paraphrased it. I feel ashamed my brain is so ill.
Al Cappella
Are we there yet?
- Feb 2, 2022
- 888
2 it's a decent day out, and I'm going running in a bit…
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
9. Hopeless and just generally dysphoric. I don't see a scenario in which things improve. I am about ready to CTB.
swinging from 6.5 to 3.5
exams are over, so i should have no stress. but i have a little bit still. but it's in god's hands with all the dua in this holy month (i have studied my ass off and tried as best as i could to answer all questions. just down to chance)
what i look forward to.. simply just maintaining my social circle/contacts now, assuming they are genuine and stay with me as school is ended and there is 'nothing i can be used for' because they cannot study WITH or OFF of me. it will turn to a 8 if i get lonely again, but it could turn to a 2.5 if they are real. inshallah
exams are over, so i should have no stress. but i have a little bit still. but it's in god's hands with all the dua in this holy month (i have studied my ass off and tried as best as i could to answer all questions. just down to chance)
what i look forward to.. simply just maintaining my social circle/contacts now, assuming they are genuine and stay with me as school is ended and there is 'nothing i can be used for' because they cannot study WITH or OFF of me. it will turn to a 8 if i get lonely again, but it could turn to a 2.5 if they are real. inshallah
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Solid 10. I wanna end my life right now. I can't stand one more second.
Honestly between 3-4 despite how bad my existential dread has been lately.
