Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[noname223]

3 not much suicidality but.... I am really surprised but I seem to become manic again...at least if I don't intervene with sleeping medication now. I stopped a medication that reduced my depression a lot. But instead of turning severely depressed I seemingly turn manic. This can happen if you stop taking mood stabilizers.
I pressure myself way too much. My sleeping rhythm is really dangerous and really weird. The last 2 days were extremely stressful for me. Maybe because I am turning manic. It is like a stress spiral.

My therapists would now pressure me to take the mood stabilizer again...but I hate the side effects with it I can barely eat anything without gaining weight. I hope it is not too late to intervene. I feeling quite manic...this is really dangerous. I show some mania symptoms. I am really scared now. I will try to relax tomorrow and take emergency medication tonight. I wanted to organize something tomorrow and work like 10 hours. But this is my mania speaking I am pretty sure about that. I should have realized it earlier. As I said the "rate your suicidal thoughts" thread is like a mood diary for me.

 

[allesistgut]

6

 

[Enigmatic Sailor]

1. I think Spring is giving me serotonin/dopamine chemicals in my brain. The air smells sweet and I love the rain and warm sunshine on my face. Noice

 

[BrokenLine]

10, SI is a bitch. Hope tonight its not as much of a one.

 

[allesistgut]

9

 

[Treeline589]

10

 

[_Seeking]

8

 

[Lullaby]

At an 8/9 tonight. Just enough to be at the edge, but not enough for me to go over.

That shred of hope is a frustrating thing to deal with. I feel like it's only led me to more disappointment by sticking around. No matter how hard I try, I just get kicked down again. After so many years, I'm exhausted and just wish I could go, especially without hurting my parents.

I'll cry tonight to get this all out, and fight again tomorrow.

 

[Sadness20]

9

 

[ImsooDone1N]

like an 8. I'm struggling rn & no one cares or wil help me

 

[MatthewV3]

10

 

[Niirvana]

10

 

[SpaceCadet]

10
I see no other way, and i won't fail.

 

[allesistgut]

7

 

[ikadasui]

10 daily. Not a day goes by when I don't seriously consider just grabbing my firearm and going through with it. I don't even keep it in my safe anymore it's just behind a sliding closet stashed inside an old pc I'm not using for easy access now

 

[deathbydragon]

I'm stopping myself from going with a 10 because it feels pretty extreme, I probably average 7ish. On a good day, maybe 5 for a few hours. Something goes wrong? 8-9 for the rest of the day.

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

5. I actually had a decent week with minimal thoughts but then the boredom settles in and I'm back to dreaming of my demise. :/

 

[S like suicide]

10 i need to die,i need it

 

[allesistgut]

i don't know why my emotions are always all over the place, it's exhausting. right now i'm at about a 9.

 

[Sea Turtle]

10. Honestly tomorrow may be the day. I have the time opening and SN is ready. I would even be able to have a last midnight meal before fasting. But I've also dedicated some effort towards future planning of my CTB and that'll go to waste. But I also don't know how much longer I can take this. I guess only time will tell.

 

[noname223]

3,5. My suicidality is low. But there are clearly signs that I become manic. Today will be my third day of emergency medication in a row. I don't allow myself more than 4 days in a row with them because they are highly addicitive. I am quite desperate. If I told my therapists the truth they would urge me to take my old medication again. But I really hate the side effects. I had so many. And it was kind of the only one that helped. Fuck this. This is so cynical. I don't want to be hungry for 24/7 for the rest of my life. This medication made me gain weight even if I only ate a little bit too much. There were also other horrible side effects. Gaining weight is ABSOLUTELY no option for me. The mere thought of gaining weight makes me pretty suicidal. Yeah I had a lot of horrible experiences with bullying due to obesity. Yeah my mind is a cage. I hope so much my brain calms down a little. In the last days it feels like a chemical experiment.

 

[Arrow]

7 the pain is pretty bad

 

[noname223]

3,5. As I said not much depressed rather on the edge of mania. I relaxed the whole day because of that and it worked. Feeling also less manic. But I need to organize some stuff soon/work and I can't only relax 24/7. Today I try to sleep without emergency medication when that does not work I might be forced to take the old medication. But I really really don't want that...

 

[Hurt]

10
No point in living

 

[Circles]

7-9. It's fluctuating badly due to the pain, loneliness, and how pathetic I am.

 

[Squiddy]

8. A lot has happened these past few days. I got employed to drive, but I was uncomfortable with backing up without a rear mirror so I quit. I feel like I'll never find a good job. My parents also discouraged me from moving out because of how high housing is and I feel like I'm trapped. If I can't move out by the end of this year, I don't see a point in living for much longer and hope I can ctb then if I can get the balls to. I'm sick of being in mental pain and want it to end. I'm losing hope by the day

 

[noname223]

4. Not much manic and not that depressed. Pretty hopeless about my situation but as always escapism is what lets carry me the weight. My hope is no naive...I don't tell that to my therapist. We would have a huge argument about that. To be honest there is probably no reason to fight on but I will try it. I am fragile as always maybe even more because I quit one of my old medication but the life quality without it is so much better. This also improved my mood over the last days. But the chances are high that this will backfire a lot. I am early in the morning wide awake. (sign for mania)
Even the emergency medication is barely working against it...I hope so much my brain will adapt soon to it...I can't relax like today always...There will come days with more stress like tomorrow. I am very scared what will happen then...

 

[BrokenLine]

10, I've found the right spot a few times for doing partial hanging, now i can't get it right. So practicing to find that spot again when i do I'm not going to assume I'll find it again.
OK 10+

 

[allesistgut]

8

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

8-9.