Random thoughts

[Desperate_Soul]

I wish someone would smash and kill me like I just did to that tiny fly that was nagging at me.

 

[Blacktarheroine]

My fascination with death transitioned into a desire almost instantly and has been so popping in and out of my head as long as I can remember. The last ten years as an addict and even in recovery I can't even say I ever stopped thinking about wanting to die long enough to feel as if it was entering my mind post hiatus again; the pain is so intense. Around age 5 I started having very vivid dreams of gore and death . In my consciousness I didn't think I was exposed to media that triggered the ideas and images subconsciously but the dreams made
Me sort of understand a deeper feeling associated with pain and injury leading to death. Dreaming about children and babies dying and being shot made me think about me dying as a child and if that was "okay" or not since death was associated with going somewhere else and with being old as I thought. Reality and my thoughts in comparison to other people's thoughts and perspective became a very surreal thing I started thinking about. Like it really bothered me that I was always going to be stuck in my
Personal first person perspective. I was into very dark things as I got older which was a package deal with self harm. I never was a textbook "cutter" but a year after my "nightmares" started my mom put me in sleep therapy , a basic psych evaluation immediately prior to this inquired much about suicidal thoughts and death which ironically got me to start thinking out of the blue, I would be playing or reading or something and wondering what dying would feel like, every time I would close my eyes to sleep, that blackness I "saw" in my eyelids fascinated me- would it be like that? I started to staple and papercut myself to see blood and associate with pain- wondering if it was supposed to go hand in hand with death . When I learned about drugs , poisoning, etc mainly from media, and that death was not just pain relief but could be painless , and as I thought about dying in ones sleep not necessarily due to old age, desire to self harm subsided and I had my eyes on the prize more so if you will...

 

[lost illusions]

Sleeping in my pickup again bottle in hand, casting a drink to all on here. I solute yall, may your futures be greater than mine

 

[throwaway123]

I'm counting my last days. If everything goes according to plan I'll be gone soon. I've seen so many people here leave already. Now my time has come.

 

[Miss clefable]

I'm counting my last days. If everything goes according to plan I'll be gone soon. I've seen so many people here leave already. Now my time has come.

I hope my time comes as well

 

[Midnight]

This sounds so dumb reading it over, but I feel the need to share it because of my stupid monkey brain I guess.

Today was a bit interesting for me. I wasn't told that there was going to be someone coming over to help with the roof. I feel anxious enough around my immediate family members, with someone else, well, I was panicking a little. I was the one to help this person up on the roof, and I don't mind doing that, I'm not particularly fond of heights, but I can deal with that. What made me super nervous was having to be social, and worrying about not fucking everything up, and having to answer the inevitable uncomfortable questions regarding my NEEThood.

The work went smoothly enough I suppose. It took most of the day, but everything that needed to get done got done. I kind of just dissociated for most of the time. The rest of the time I couldn't think of anything other than my desire to kill myself. I can't say I wasn't tempted to just jump off the side of the roof, though I know it wasn't high enough to do the job, or at least not cleanly.

I don't know why I can't do basic human things without feeling like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I don't know why I have to be such a fucking disappointment to literally everyone who knows me. I really, really have to end my life soon.

Fwiw i'm glad for you that the day went "ok" considering.

 

[Tiburcio]

When there exist a thread about showing care by other users but you don't feel anything for almost no one except few gone members...

 

[satou]

Everything will be OK...

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Spoiler: TMI

My period just started... and now I need to shower, a new pair of panties, and a pad. I hope I bleed to death.

Found my shower song:

Time to go shower!

 

[lostinthedream]

Oddly speechless at the moment lol..

 

[user90872]

Going off my meds without psychiatrist knowing. They didn't work anyway. Paradoxically, I feel surprisingly good. Though, I still need to take 37,5 mg of Venlafaxine every two days. Your body gets addicted to it really badly, even though "professionals" claim it doesn't. Seriously, Venlafaxine is the worst shit. Its withdrawal symptoms are unbearable. You gotta be a butcher to prescribe someone this crap. On the other hand, I went cold turkey on Mirtazapine and Sodium valproate and I'm perfectly fine. On a side note, the only medication I've ever liked is Hydroxyzine.

 

[blueming]

Still awake at 5am. Insomnia sucks :(

Spoiler

 

[mattwitt]

If you Google or Bing "cougar pics" make sure safe search is set to at least "moderate" !

 

[Wantingpeace]

This thread made me smile

 

[lv-gras]

.

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

I miss Ben.. I can't sleep.

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

think am probably evil and a coward

Why ivgras?
Hugs

 

[Miss clefable]

think am probably evil and a coward

No way hugs

 

[throwaway123]

FUCK THIS!

I've been postponing for far too long. It's time to let go of my stupid excuses and die!!!!!!

 

[RM5998]

My parents are trying to set up an internship/research project to boost my academic credentials, scheduled in December. All I can think of is how much of November I'm going to stay alive for.

 

[RM5998]

So I'm supposed to work on an art installation for our cultural fest, and since the theme is 'counter culture' (wtf, really?) we're using some of this for inspiration (some dude thought portraying mental illness was a good idea).

And one of the people I'm supposed to be working with said, "And let's put pillows at the center of the structure, to show that the best solution to all these problems is a good night's sleep." He backtracked immediately, saying that that was a 'normie' idea, but that didn't remove my desire to punch him in the face.

 

[blueming]

Not everyone 'gets better'.

 

[throwaway123]

As each day passes the more I begin to accept the fact that death is the best thing that could happen to me. It is the only thing that gives me comfort.

 

[Emilia]

It's strange that there is a setting on your toaster to completely burn the bread.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

I'm so paranoid that if I fail to kill myself, my brain will be semi damaged and I'll forget all the important stuff... so I don't know whether or not I should leave secret codes around that only I will understand... aka write a note word for word telling me life sucks and to keep trying to kill myself and to not trust the people around me. Hmmm. What to do, what to do.

 

[Life sucks]

I don't interaction with others at all. Most humans are toxic black boxes

 

[Negative-Nancy]

Wrong is spelled wrong in the dictionary.

 

[BBAABFD]

Why is "W" called double "U" Shouldn't it be double "V"

 

[Morning Angel]

A friend of mine really turned my issues against me and hinted that I was to blame for my poor judgment. Some implication that I'm an inconsistent hypocrite and I brought my problems upon me. Okay. I just let it go and said nothing. Sucks when you know you can't be real with someone anymore and explaining will only add to their track record on you.

I seriously can't win anymore. I will fuck everything up.

 

[Morning Angel]

A friend of mine really turned my issues against me and hinted that I was to blame for my poor judgment. Some implication that I'm an inconsistent hypocrite and I brought my problems upon me. Okay. Without full knowledge or context of what's happening, I just let it go and said nothing. Sucks when you know you can't be real with someone anymore and explaining will only add to their track record on you.

I seriously can't win anymore. I will fuck everything up. If I try to seek a connection, I am manipulative because others open up to me. If I get fucked over by someone else, it must be my poor boundaries and lack of judgment. If I'm careful, I'm paranoid. If I leave others alone, I'm being needlessly isolated. I can't win and I am fundamentally broken now. It's clear I don't belong here anymore.