Random thoughts

[GrumpyFrog]

I have a job, food on my table, roof over my head and even a computer with Internet. I am not truly poor. And yet I have little to no choices and opportunities. No options but slaving my life away and putting everything strictly into survival. What kind of life is this? How many people around the world live it? What is the point of living like this, surviving to survive?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Spoiler: Godzilla vs Kong

I just saw Godzilla vs Kong (thanks HBO Max). I gotta say, it was pretty good and it definitely delivered in the fight scenes between the two but idk, something about it felt...off. I think I still prefer King of the Monsters. Maybe it's because I like both Ghidorah and Mothra in that movie. I also thought this movie focused a little too much on Kong as if this was his movie but I guess this must be how Iron Man fans felt about Civil War being mostly a Captain America movie or Batman vs Superman being mostly a Superman movie. I wonder if there are even any dual "versus" crossovers that actually balance the leading combatants well enough? I kinda feel like Alien vs Predator might be close though I can see how that movie could just be like an Alien movie but with Predators while the second one...I don't even know what to feel about the second one (Requiem) except that the Predalien is cool but that movie was practically all in the dark which was super lame.

Back to GvK though, I guess I also thought the human scenes weren't as strong as they were in the last movie. Yeah there's less of them but most scenes about the humans felt so pointless (though the ones that follow Kong were a pretty unique spin on the trope of how King Kong usually softens up to young females). I guess I would have liked more depth into the lore about the Godzilla species versus Kong's species. It's barely talked about at all which I guess is what most people would prefer because they just want to see the fighting but I feel like adding more exposition really could have felt make the fights even more epic knowing the stakes involved. The fights themselves, while good, well-lit, and are paced pretty well, were mostly predictable and a lot of scenes were spoiled by trailers. Idk maybe I'm just salty they made Godzilla into sort of a villain (for the most part). Even though it's justified I really prefer when Godzilla is straight up the hero more than when he's humanity's enemy or some man vs nature metaphor which I know is the original point of him but still...

 

[signifying nothing]

The beautiful people

 

[WornOutLife]

Charging my cellphone everyday is annoying. I wish it just had an everlasting battery!

 

[Lucien]

If I had just acted "on impulse" at 17 I would have saved myself 8 very long years.

 

[Rue89]

I might have only about a month left. I keep going back and forth between wanting time to slow down and wanting it to hurry up. I really hope I'll still get time alone that weekend.

 

[angelfeather]

I hate how other peoples words and actions make me feel and then they wonder and question why I have no self worth and why I attempted to end my life. AND it's even worse when they say they are trying to help me but are actually manipulative and controlling.

 

[Echo]

People are hypocrites

 

[Lmd]

I think this site is the closest thing to an imaginary friend I've ever had. I've made only a friend (well, more, but they are dead) and I don't interact with him through the forum so I come, I drop my 4 stupid things that no one cares about and then I leave. In fact, when I find something interesting in the forum and I pass it to a friend and they ask me where I got it from it feels like you are imaginary friends because I can't tell them that it's from a forum about suicide.

 

[Mentalmick]

I'm sitting on a bench in front of the river Nith in Dumfries. Was seriously thinking about killing myself for about 10 seconds by stabbing myself in the stomach. Never considered that method before.

 

[Lucien]

I'm much deeper into 'just fuck it' territory after some consistent reflecting over this past week.

 

[angelfeather]

I'm a lot more content and safe when I'm severely suicidal. I'm lost when I'm not...

 

[http-410]

For days I've been thinking about the recent conversations with the crisis line people. The last one I spoke to was really friendly and empathetic, but what's the point. The person before that, on the other hand, was totally incompetent.

I'm going around in circles. I feel like I'm procrastinating. Theoretically, I could do it tonight in the woods, but I won't. I wonder if I would really be ready once the Covid restrictions are lifted. I cannot and will not grow old like this.

I wish I was strong enough to terminate therapy. Apparently, I am still attached to this perversity called life. Objectively, there are 0 reasons to live (for me). To go on living is absolutely irrational, but I'm so stupid I do it anyway. Is life an addiction? Why is it so hard to get rid of it.

 

[throwaway123]

Lately I've really been thinking of ctb. Kinda hard to believe it's been that many years living like this.

 

[purple꿈]

i always wonder if i should attempt today or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.. it's tiring when you wanna die but you're too scared

 

[http-410]

I don't know what I'm doing.

 

[Mentalmick]

Size 5 puma trainers.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

How am I supposed to apply for a job when just the thought of doing anything meaningful and productive makes me want to vomit? I thought I was supposed to be a millennial, why can't the world just get handed to me already?

 

[http-410]

It looks like I won't be able to sleep without pills for the next few days. It makes me angry because I still need them for my departure and it will be difficult to impossible to get new ones. Looks like I will have to cancel the appointment, because I'm a wreck, I wonder if I will have to pay for it. Everything is too much.

How am I supposed to "recover" or at least "relax" from this crap to some degree, just for the moment, when in the next it will all be undone?

I'm sick of myself, I'm broken, and it sucks. I'm a malfunctioning piece of junk, a useless piece of shit. A time waster, a financial parasite.

I have to do something or I'll go insane, if I'm not already. Or I just numb myself with sleeping pills. One is not allowed to go out here at this hour. I'll have to think of something else. I have to suffer.

 

[WornOutLife]

I had to go to a pharmacy and while I was in the line an old man yelled at me: "KEEP YOUR DISTANCE BOY"

I was 1 meter away, just like it could be read on a sign.

My thoughts and conclusion:

This lockdown and pandemic are making people go crazier than usual.

 

[Celerity]

It looks like I won't be able to sleep without pills for the next few days. It makes me angry because I still need them for my departure and it will be difficult to impossible to get new ones. Looks like I will have to cancel the appointment, because I'm a wreck, I wonder if I will have to pay for it. Everything is too much.

How am I supposed to "recover" or at least "relax" from this crap to some degree, just for the moment, when in the next it will all be undone?

I'm sick of myself, I'm broken, and it sucks. I'm a malfunctioning piece of junk, a useless piece of shit. A time waster, a financial parasite.

I have to do something or I'll go insane, if I'm not already. Or I just numb myself with sleeping pills. One is not allowed to go out here at this hour. I'll have to think of something else. I have to suffer.

I remember those days. I took Ambien and quickly became dependent on it. I didn't just use it when I needed to sleep but also when I just wanted to escape life. It worked - for a time.

 

[Lmd]

I'm stupid and weak. Someone told me today how much they like me and why they do it and I was just there listening everything totally embarrassed because I can't believe that someone can be interested in me. A few days ago happened the same and there's another girl that looks interested too and I'm here thinking that maaayyybee I'm a bit needy too and all off this stuff makes me more depressed because now I want to do dumb things with someone or just chilling and hold hands looking at the stars or whatever but I cannot correspond anyone because I'm interested in people that are totally inaccessible o they barely exist. Why I have to be this dumb I want to punch my brain and go to sleep until this stupid season is over.

 

[http-410]

I had nightmares and woke up early drenched in sweat, couldn't get back to sleep even though I took a dose prior that always made me sleep through. I didn't eat anything all day, just drank a few glasses of oat milk and water. I'm neither hungry nor thirsty, I'm just cold all the time (which is normal when I'm low on fuel) and have goose bumps. When I look in the mirror, it looks like I've aged 20 years.

I wish I could have still talked to my therapist earlier.

Maybe I should put on a jacket.

Edit: They called me back after posting this... that's strange.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I "purged" my youtube history and specifically tried to watch channels that do not discuss politics because I'm really really done with it...and now I think youtube thinks I'm 13 because after some cute animal tiktoks my recommendations were flooded with random tiktok compilation recommendations. I watched some of them and it's such an odd experience. I feel so, so old. I keep looking at people that look fully grown and occassionally bring up uncomfortably adult things in their videos, and I keep reminding myself everyone in those videos is literally half my age. I don't get the format, I don't get their music, I don't get their fashion, their memes and I especially don't get how they don't get sick of hearing the same 30 second song snippet over and over again.
But they are...you know...the beautiful people. The cool kids. Every girl in those snippets looks like she spent more time on her makeup before filming it that the combined time I spent on my makeup since, like, 2017. Every time relationships come up they sound like all of those kids have more experience than I do at almost 30. Expensive fancy clothes, fancy hair, cool gadgets, complicated setups for the videos... Talking about true friendship, talking about parties and crushes. Maybe that's an illusion, but they look like they look so carefree. I don't know how to explain it, but they make me really miss the beautiful youth I never had.
I want to be young, beautiful, cool and carefree like a teenager. I want to be this kind of young. Because I never was.

 

[Fehler]

Pretty random, but now I realized why I was more sensitive to heat with the index finger of my right hand. When I am before the ember of a barbecue, it reached the point that the pain I felt was not normal compared to the rest of my hand. A few days ago with another of my "rage attacks", I punched the wall a couple of times and again wounded my hand, respectively at the same points as always. Basically that area of the hand will have healed about twenty times

 

[Odwin]

If you hit someone from thailand does this make you a Thai boxer?

 

[throwaway123]

Today it occured to me that we're not depressed because we are mentally fucked. It's because the world we live in is so fucked up. For me it's mostly the people that make my life a living hell. Fuck this. There is no reason for this unnecessary suffering. I'm going to end this crap.

 

[WornOutLife]

Mondays are the worst!

 

[Odwin]

Today is Monday?

 

[http-410]

Even walking is a struggle.