GoBack
Paragon
- Apr 25, 2020
- 997
-
Hey Guest,
If you would still like to donate, you still can. We have more than enough funds to cover operating expenses for quite a while, so don't worry about donating if you aren't able. If you want to donate something other than what is listed, you can contact RainAndSadness.
Bitcoin Address (BTC): 39deg9i6Zp1GdrwyKkqZU6rAbsEspvLBJt
Ethereum (ETH): 0xd799aF8E2e5cEd14cdb344e6D6A9f18011B79BE9
Monero (XMR): 49tuJbzxwVPUhhDjzz6H222Kh8baKe6rDEsXgE617DVS
DD8UKNaXvKNU8dEVRTAFH9Av8gKkn4jDzVGF25snJgNfUfKKNC8
It is very difficult to feel threatened when the one trying to threaten you is named Cutie.
Brick In The Wall
2M Or Not 2B.
- Oct 30, 2019
- 25,159
It's good to see you old friend, I've been wondering about you. I'm sorry to hear that you're still having a rough time of it.
The best thing I ever did is never having any kid.
Lorntroubles
Photography by Haris Nukem.
- Jan 19, 2020
- 3,095
You even been so disgusted with a human being, you ever been so fucked up over what has happened in your life?
I had some really good days, and then things changed an I'm back at the start. But at least I'm still here.
GoBack
Paragon
- Apr 25, 2020
- 997
The words mental health give me a headache
Tenor saxophone sounds amazing
Lorntroubles
Photography by Haris Nukem.
- Jan 19, 2020
- 3,095
My fucking heart!!!! Everywhere reminds me of things in life I can't obtain. I spent years picking myself back up but now I am looking forward to my ctb date and it's not ideal, but I'm okay with it. :)
TheSoulless
I'd like to fly but my wings have been so denied
- Jan 7, 2020
- 1,051
TheSoulless
I'd like to fly but my wings have been so denied
- Jan 7, 2020
- 1,051
waived
I am a sunrise
- Jan 5, 2019
- 974
I'm laying with my eyes closed and transporting myself back to a bedroom in an old house that I used to live in so long ago as a kid. I can get up walk across the room and open the dresser drawers and actually see what was in them. I can see things that I otherwise would never have remembered having. I remembered hiding a journal under the dresser, and I found it and remember what it looked like.
Blue jeeeeeans and bloody teeeeears!
Observation: a human fed selected human knowledge to a neural network and the first thing it did was develop light depression and a toxic relationship.
An oddly human thing.
Observation 2: it's an absolute BANGER!
No, seriously, get this out of my head!
Observation: a human fed selected human knowledge to a neural network and the first thing it did was develop light depression and a toxic relationship.
An oddly human thing.
Observation 2: it's an absolute BANGER!
No, seriously, get this out of my head!
slowlystarve
abomination
- Dec 10, 2018
- 43
i thought i was finally getting better last year. i thought wrong.
waived
I am a sunrise
- Jan 5, 2019
- 974
It wasn't a particularly used journal but I'm going to have to find out what was in it. I haven't read much about this memory strategy it's just what happened. I'm going to try taking the journal and other objects with me through the house to see if the objects and being present in a particular spot works. I'm going to try entering into rooms at different paces slow/fast calm/rushed to try and jog some automatic behaviors that would have happened. It'll start with finding the light switches.
I remember being a young person and looking back on the short amount of time I'd been alive and being tripped out but that doesn't even come close to having actual distance between yourself and a period of time you are suddenly remembering. No less than a period of time with continuous emotional catastrophe. I had my own world.
I remember being a young person and looking back on the short amount of time I'd been alive and being tripped out but that doesn't even come close to having actual distance between yourself and a period of time you are suddenly remembering. No less than a period of time with continuous emotional catastrophe. I had my own world.
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TheSoulless
I'd like to fly but my wings have been so denied
- Jan 7, 2020
- 1,051
Drunk right now, feels quite good. I still feel somewhat anxious, though.
Lorntroubles
Photography by Haris Nukem.
- Jan 19, 2020
- 3,095
I'd love to have company like a friend to turn to but nahhh, they all flaky.
I am an evil person.
I joked with the IT guy at work about installing pycharm on my work station. The main problem is that it would either bring my productivity index down to zero, or spike it into astronomical values by faking productivity.
He said "just don't make something that would run through the whole domain kekeke. "
Oh...
Oh no...
Obviously, the first thing I thought of was not a nice, although not a very damaging thing either.
I joked with the IT guy at work about installing pycharm on my work station. The main problem is that it would either bring my productivity index down to zero, or spike it into astronomical values by faking productivity.
He said "just don't make something that would run through the whole domain kekeke. "
Oh...
Oh no...
Obviously, the first thing I thought of was not a nice, although not a very damaging thing either.
Lorntroubles
Photography by Haris Nukem.
- Jan 19, 2020
- 3,095
Really had a false sense of hope that 2020 I would make a strong comeback with my life. Nope, not even. 2020 is not my year but maybe it is. I will ctb this year so depends on your perspective.
This is turning gigantic, so I decided to hide it in a spoiler.
Tldr: the bitching and moaning of a manchild. Read at your own risk. SCP levels of cringe.
Tldr: the bitching and moaning of a manchild. Read at your own risk. SCP levels of cringe.
I had a nightmare today.
I woke up at my normal hour, but it's a Friday, so I don't go to work, normally. There's a feeling in my gut saying today is a day off Friday.
I take a shower to chill myself, sit behind my desk to roll my cigarettes, and light one to smoke.
My kitchen knives are dull as fuck, and yet after that cigarette I get up, grab a knife and look at my arms.
I've been blessed with a nigh tutorial level of being visibility. Your think my veins are some tattoos.
And so, I attempt to get into a vein.
It feels like sliding a serrated knife against wood. Not a cutting board, but against a tree trunk. It kinda bounces up and down against my arm, leaving scratches not unlike those on a screen of a phone, especially if you scratch the fuck out of it with something like a nail.
I try a few times more.
It feels somewhat like girl's nail just gently gliding against my skin, and yet with the feeling of knife against wood. It's a warm, yet "hard" feeling.
I grab the knife upside down (?) and stab my arm. The knife enters my flesh without pain, and so I begin sawing along with my vein. It feels kind of like cutting a somewhat out of date steak: it's though, rubbery, but the upper skin layer is still "wooden". I note that it feels like those ice creams with thick chocolate skin and soft inner core.
I realize it's a dream at this point because:
a) I'm too much of a coward to slit my wrists.
And b) no blood comes out.
I try again on my other arm, but the results are the same. My arms now open and close like a jacket on a particular windy day. It also feels warm and... meaty...
I stare at my arm cavities a little, just admiring the holes in my meat and then wake up.
I cannot recall if I did, but my sense of humor is fucked up enough to amuse myself by opening and closing my arm holes and murmuring "mmmmm! Meeeeaaat!"
I then wake up for real this time.
There's a feeling in my gut saying today is a Friday where I do go to work.
I take a shower, smoke two cigarettes as per morning ritual requirements, and browse through my Bitcoin faucets as I do so.
And so, the cycle that happens every month or two behind.
A particular thought enters my mind: I have never been, and will never be cool.
A question then arises: why does a 30 year old grownass man bother himself with "being cool"?
Primarily the media, being a manchild, and being severely affected by epilepsy.
Once that leaves, the next thought enters: since I am not cool, being a neurocripple manchild, what, or who is cool?
If I want to be cool, I need an example of who or what is cool to follow and perhaps outdo. I take a few seconds to fetch examples of who is cool and why.
Most country singers - family oriented men (so far I've heard of maybe five women who sing country style music that isn't shitty love songs) who are able to provide far above average comfort for their families, travel for their job, are famous for their craft. They take life slow, easy, and comfortably.
A small chunk of Anon - hackers who are renowned for their craft, breaking things in particular.
"Idols" - young, very good looking guys and girls with impressive dancing and singing skills.
Alina gingertail from YouTube specifically - a specific "idol" that plays MANY instruments. She was also not produced in a sort of "idol factory".
I sit and review today's choices - most are musicians or artists, except for "a small chunk of Anon", although there too may be a small chunk of artists.
I look at myself and ask what prevents me from becoming a musician. The answer is always the same: epilepsy.
I've tried to study the guitar many times and it always ended with the same scenario: a grand mal seizure followed by a trip to ER.
Interesting observation: I've picked up an app that teaches my Python. No seizures so far.
As I go outside and begin the march to work, these thoughts transform into another thing: I'm a fucking pedophile. I am not attracted to women, I'm attracted to 20-ish year old girls. Despite being older, I still understand teenage woes. Mentally, I'm a teenager in a broken body. I'm also hairier than a teenager. I'm also a virgin. The whole "MUST... LOSE... VIRGINITY!!!" trope you see in movies is unpleasantly close.
I reach a place I call "checkpoint A" and light a cigarette. The thought of "I'm a fucking pedophile" is now screaming in my head. A young mother is walking by. She looks about 25-27. I ask myself if she looks good to me. I see wrinkles on her cheeks, under her eyes, the metric fuckton of makeup on her face, her horse-like face, her ears, which look like Danish pastry, and her absurdly veiny feet. Today she's wearing flip-flops, but normally she wears 5"-6" heels. Possibly a size too small.
I know I should want to fuck her, but I don't.
I reach checkpoint B. The thought of being a pedophile is no longer screaming in my head, not as hard as it did about an hour ago. As I light another cigarette, I begin to fantasize about writing a virus that would target prolifers. A WannaCry 2 of sorts, except instead of demanding 300$ in Bitcoin, it would simply destroy the system. I would unleash it on the general prolifer public. Alternatively, gather a botnet and use that to take prolifer sites or religious, anti-abortion sites.
By checkpoint C my mind is empty and all I care for is the hobo that lives there. He's a violent man who clearly enjoys some unconventional drug. I make sure to pass him and then light a cigarette.
I reach work, make some tea and kill time by reading on Programming Hero's "forum". Then it's finally time for pills, and an hour later they finally kick in and my mind turns completely blank and the cycle ends.
I woke up at my normal hour, but it's a Friday, so I don't go to work, normally. There's a feeling in my gut saying today is a day off Friday.
I take a shower to chill myself, sit behind my desk to roll my cigarettes, and light one to smoke.
My kitchen knives are dull as fuck, and yet after that cigarette I get up, grab a knife and look at my arms.
I've been blessed with a nigh tutorial level of being visibility. Your think my veins are some tattoos.
And so, I attempt to get into a vein.
It feels like sliding a serrated knife against wood. Not a cutting board, but against a tree trunk. It kinda bounces up and down against my arm, leaving scratches not unlike those on a screen of a phone, especially if you scratch the fuck out of it with something like a nail.
I try a few times more.
It feels somewhat like girl's nail just gently gliding against my skin, and yet with the feeling of knife against wood. It's a warm, yet "hard" feeling.
I grab the knife upside down (?) and stab my arm. The knife enters my flesh without pain, and so I begin sawing along with my vein. It feels kind of like cutting a somewhat out of date steak: it's though, rubbery, but the upper skin layer is still "wooden". I note that it feels like those ice creams with thick chocolate skin and soft inner core.
I realize it's a dream at this point because:
a) I'm too much of a coward to slit my wrists.
And b) no blood comes out.
I try again on my other arm, but the results are the same. My arms now open and close like a jacket on a particular windy day. It also feels warm and... meaty...
I stare at my arm cavities a little, just admiring the holes in my meat and then wake up.
I cannot recall if I did, but my sense of humor is fucked up enough to amuse myself by opening and closing my arm holes and murmuring "mmmmm! Meeeeaaat!"
I then wake up for real this time.
There's a feeling in my gut saying today is a Friday where I do go to work.
I take a shower, smoke two cigarettes as per morning ritual requirements, and browse through my Bitcoin faucets as I do so.
And so, the cycle that happens every month or two behind.
A particular thought enters my mind: I have never been, and will never be cool.
A question then arises: why does a 30 year old grownass man bother himself with "being cool"?
Primarily the media, being a manchild, and being severely affected by epilepsy.
Once that leaves, the next thought enters: since I am not cool, being a neurocripple manchild, what, or who is cool?
If I want to be cool, I need an example of who or what is cool to follow and perhaps outdo. I take a few seconds to fetch examples of who is cool and why.
Most country singers - family oriented men (so far I've heard of maybe five women who sing country style music that isn't shitty love songs) who are able to provide far above average comfort for their families, travel for their job, are famous for their craft. They take life slow, easy, and comfortably.
A small chunk of Anon - hackers who are renowned for their craft, breaking things in particular.
"Idols" - young, very good looking guys and girls with impressive dancing and singing skills.
Alina gingertail from YouTube specifically - a specific "idol" that plays MANY instruments. She was also not produced in a sort of "idol factory".
I sit and review today's choices - most are musicians or artists, except for "a small chunk of Anon", although there too may be a small chunk of artists.
I look at myself and ask what prevents me from becoming a musician. The answer is always the same: epilepsy.
I've tried to study the guitar many times and it always ended with the same scenario: a grand mal seizure followed by a trip to ER.
Interesting observation: I've picked up an app that teaches my Python. No seizures so far.
As I go outside and begin the march to work, these thoughts transform into another thing: I'm a fucking pedophile. I am not attracted to women, I'm attracted to 20-ish year old girls. Despite being older, I still understand teenage woes. Mentally, I'm a teenager in a broken body. I'm also hairier than a teenager. I'm also a virgin. The whole "MUST... LOSE... VIRGINITY!!!" trope you see in movies is unpleasantly close.
I reach a place I call "checkpoint A" and light a cigarette. The thought of "I'm a fucking pedophile" is now screaming in my head. A young mother is walking by. She looks about 25-27. I ask myself if she looks good to me. I see wrinkles on her cheeks, under her eyes, the metric fuckton of makeup on her face, her horse-like face, her ears, which look like Danish pastry, and her absurdly veiny feet. Today she's wearing flip-flops, but normally she wears 5"-6" heels. Possibly a size too small.
I know I should want to fuck her, but I don't.
I reach checkpoint B. The thought of being a pedophile is no longer screaming in my head, not as hard as it did about an hour ago. As I light another cigarette, I begin to fantasize about writing a virus that would target prolifers. A WannaCry 2 of sorts, except instead of demanding 300$ in Bitcoin, it would simply destroy the system. I would unleash it on the general prolifer public. Alternatively, gather a botnet and use that to take prolifer sites or religious, anti-abortion sites.
By checkpoint C my mind is empty and all I care for is the hobo that lives there. He's a violent man who clearly enjoys some unconventional drug. I make sure to pass him and then light a cigarette.
I reach work, make some tea and kill time by reading on Programming Hero's "forum". Then it's finally time for pills, and an hour later they finally kick in and my mind turns completely blank and the cycle ends.
Bct
Disqualified from Being Human
- Apr 20, 2020
- 419
Haven't got paid since the April wage, so I need to borrow some money to paid my place (still have to pay full rate).
Went to hometown because lack of money so I could spend less during this holiday season. Father fixed my motorbike to mechanic despite having no jobs since October.
I plan to CTB this June after my friend come to take her motorbike, but due to debt, I need to postpone my CTB. Don't want to die with leaving debts.
Went to hometown because lack of money so I could spend less during this holiday season. Father fixed my motorbike to mechanic despite having no jobs since October.
I plan to CTB this June after my friend come to take her motorbike, but due to debt, I need to postpone my CTB. Don't want to die with leaving debts.
262653
Cluesome
- Apr 5, 2018
- 1,733
I really don't like "think about your loved ones" line of argument.
"I don't really give a shit about whether or not you want to say in a relationship. All I care about is that I don't want you to leave because I think I grew attached to you and I can't imagine a live without this attachment." This disregard to another person's wants and needs annoys me infinitely more that selfishness.
Another thought. I hear a lot of this: "It's easy to do/say/blame/whatever." As if easy route is something to be shunned from, or at least in relation to more difficult routes. Without this implication the sentence just doesn't make sense to me. If I have an option to cross 100 meters with either walking on two legs or jumping on only one, why shouldn't I choose the easy method? Hell, the word "easy" made it sound to me like something disgraceful. So much for cultural programming.
So what's the hidden meaning here? What is it that we say without saying?
"I don't really give a shit about whether or not you want to say in a relationship. All I care about is that I don't want you to leave because I think I grew attached to you and I can't imagine a live without this attachment." This disregard to another person's wants and needs annoys me infinitely more that selfishness.
Another thought. I hear a lot of this: "It's easy to do/say/blame/whatever." As if easy route is something to be shunned from, or at least in relation to more difficult routes. Without this implication the sentence just doesn't make sense to me. If I have an option to cross 100 meters with either walking on two legs or jumping on only one, why shouldn't I choose the easy method? Hell, the word "easy" made it sound to me like something disgraceful. So much for cultural programming.
So what's the hidden meaning here? What is it that we say without saying?
throwaway123
Hell0
- Aug 5, 2018
- 1,446
My internet friends are not friends after all
nerve
fat cringey shut-in
- Jun 19, 2019
- 1,012
Triggered by disgusting state of my body, took a Klonopin, God please let me sleep
RileyTanaka
ill / failure
- Mar 20, 2020
- 264
Managed to be a functioning human somehow today - bathed, cooked, cleaned, submitted a couple job applications, and even did 400 words of writing. The stars have aligned for once. Small victories but I know tomorrow will be another struggle.
Oyoy
Spatula
- Feb 2, 2020
- 741
SS stands for Smoking Section on the net.
WOODESITY
Experienced
- Mar 15, 2019
- 217
Thinking about going outside gives me anxiety and panic attacks, just thinking about it, Will I get doored again? Maybe someone is texting on the phone and Hits me with car, paranoia? Suspiciousness? Fucking unnecessary wasted feelings. I hate human design, need machine that I'm and unimaginable strong will to keep surviving, no matter circumstances, I guess I've very high pain threshold
